better than before

Sometimes, when work seems to drag and I want to think about something other than if Dentyne’s new ads are going to resonate with their target consumer and if Stacey is going wear sneakers with her suit again, my mind drifts and I imagine better working conditions.

There’s obviously a million things that could make work better, but one thing that would really improve my moral would be if my boss hired Chewbacca.

It would make my work say so fun, I think I’d actually look forward to coming into the office.

Just look at him.

Smoke break.

Smoke break.

Tell me you wouldn’t love to have him greet you every time you step foot into work.

Chewie (of course I’d call him this because we’d be boys) would be the best at inter-office small talk too.

Me: “Damn man, did you see the game?  Parker had, what, 180 yards and three touchdowns, right?”

Chewie: “Aarrgggh!”

Me: “Fucking right man.  So what’s up this weekend, you gonna hang out with that hottie Melissa again?”

Chewie: “Aarrgggh!”

Me: “Nice!”

If Chewie was my coworker, I’d never have to change the water cooler again, because hello?  He’s like a million times stronger than me.  Even when I’m drunk.

Another benefit of having a Wookie around would be if any of my interviews started going a little stale. After a particularly bland reply to one of my questions, I could simply tell them, “Look, I’ve got Chewie here next to me. He just told me if you don’t give me some usable quotes, he’s going to come to your office, rip your arms out of your sockets and use them as utensils to eat your ham sandwich.”

Presto!  They’d start telling me some good stuff.

Really, the only down side to having Chewie as my work buddy would be the shedding, but c’mon, is that any worse than having to look at Jerry’s suspenders for eight hours a day?

I bet Chewie would even give me a piggyback ride to lunch every day.  Now that would be something to put on my resumé.


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47 responses to “better than before

  1. nancypearlwannabe

    Dude! Chewyback rides! That would make work my favorite part of the day.

  2. I wonder if he smells bad…

    cause if he doesn’t I’d definitely start every morning with a big hug.

    He looks comfy.

  3. Yeah, but know that since Chewy is the coolest he is going to get all the chicks and then even all the guys are going to want to be friends with him, and then he’ll never have enough time for you, because he is so busy hanging out with his other friends. And you’ll be all low and sad because all you want to do is chill with your super awesome friend Chewy but he can’t because he’s mackin it on Melissa. And then you’ll start hating him just because he can’t hang with you and it’ll just be bad.

  4. Matt

    I would fuck with him all day. Kind of like those messing with sasquatch commercials…

    I think it would be too hard not to, as cool as he may be, I am simply not mature enough to be friends with him.

  5. See we only see Chewy in extreme situations. For all we know, he could be boring as all hell during regular time. I see him sitting in his cubicle with about 7 pics of his Yorkies and telling you about his visit to his doctor.

    “yaaarrgggghhhh, hawwwwww, boooonnnnngggggg, wwwwaaaaaawwwwww, lllaaaaawwwwwddddd, yaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhh….”

    Seriously, 5 minutes of that and I would want to go to the Dark side too….

  6. Ben

    I’d rather Jabba the Hut ’cause then I’d be the hottie by comparison.

  7. As long as he doesn’t reminisce about his hometown and clog the toilets, hell yeah, hire his hairy ass.

  8. deutlich

    Gonna have to reiterate Maxie’s question. Maybe he conditions with Pantene, though.

  9. I’d prefer to have an Ewok. This way he can go around and mess with people without them noticing after I give him instructions on how to annoy the living crap out of them.

  10. …I thought Matt’s comment actually said “I would fuck him all day.”

    Oh man, it’s still too early in the morning for me…

  11. The best part would be if you use someone else’s arms to eat their ham sandwich you could be like, “Hey man, I’m not touching your ham sandwich – I don’t even want it! Quit putting it in my mouth, man – seriously.”

    Oh they’d be so mad.

  12. i love me some chewy…when i look at him, i get this strange longing to brush his hair.

  13. I’ve always wondered if you could use a flowbee on a wookie.

  14. Hey, nothing a good lint brush can’t handle.

  15. Since I’m one of those people who’s always cold, I think I’d spend a lot of time trying to cuddle with him. And then he might get the wrong idea. Hello awkward.

  16. I bet he’d make a good drinking buddy. If anyone tried to mess with you, chewy would take care of it while you finished your drink in peace.

  17. chrissy

    haha! i just think the groaning and shit would get old.

    maybe if you could teach him to talk legitimately.

  18. Matt

    Come on Mindy, give me more credit than that!!

  19. smoke break? i hate to be the practical one here, but wouldn’t he set himself on fire?

  20. I can think of a pretty good reason why having him as a work buddy would suck: you’d both use the same bathroom.

  21. I HATE changing the water cooler…I wish I had a Chewy at work too now!

  22. Poor Stacey. Poor, poor, Stacey.

  23. Does Chewie really smoke? ‘Cause that would kinda suck for the rest of the office… You know how bad it is when someone with long hair comes around and their shit wreaks of stale cig smoke.

    Of course, it’s not like you could ask him to put it out or anything. I’d just hope that he’d have the common courtesy.

  24. One time my co-worker, Rebecca, answered her phone “Hello, this is Rebecca.”
    Person on the other line said, “Oh hi, Chewbacca…” and proceeded on with the reason for their call.
    No lie.

  25. Sometimes I wish I was the office Chewy. Whenever someone asks me to do something unpleasant, I can just groan.

  26. Would the piggyback ride go under ‘work experience’ or ‘other skills’?

  27. Yeah that’s all good, but what’s that he always carrying across his chest? Are those grenades? I c’mon Chewy, it’s an office environment not the Death Star, leave the grenades at home!

  28. ha! wouldnt that be great if we could grunt at people and do our own thing?

  29. nancypearl – Me too.

    maxie – He washes, he washes!

    dutchess – That made me sad.

    matt – Chewy wouldn’t like that. I bet he’d shoot you with his crossbow.

    inreallife – Hahaha – well said.

    ben – But Jabba is so messy.

    foxy – I think we could work that into the hiring criteria.

    deutlich – Silky smooth!

    marie – They are pretty cute too.

    amind – I think maybe, deep down, that’s what Matt meant.

    narm – You’d have to video tape it.

    dmb5 – He’d let you too.

    ballerina – Hahaha – I’m going to say yes.

    mickey – Exactly!

    aine – He’d promise to call!

    megan – For sure. He’d be all the muscle you’d need. All your songs on the jukebox all the time!

    chrissy – But I’d understand the groans.

    mspuddin – Maybe he’d be really careful? I’m not sure about that though.

    arjewtino – Yeah, I bet he does have some rank ass.

    mindy – I could loan him to you.

    mermanda – I know!

    justin – You’d just have to hope, and encourage him to quit.

    hbee – Hahaha – Oh my god, that is fucking awesome!

    noelle – It would be much easier that way.

    sara – Hmmm… I’d say “other skills.” But I think it could work both places.

    mental – He’s gotta be prepared!

    brandi – It would be beyond great, it would be magical.

  30. He would get ALL the tail.

    Wookie nookie.


  31. Matt

    HAHAHA, dick!

  32. Seriously, could you imagine all the hair he would leave behind? You’d be spending every break with a lint brush.

  33. tia

    maybe you could braid his hair and giggle late into the night talking about boys.

    uh, i mean, girls.

    ps. how’s john chris?

  34. I am 100% for having Chewy as a co-worker. We’d be best friends off the bat. We’d have lunch together, me with my peanut butter and jelly sandwich and him with his plate of human body parts.

    Ahh, the good times.

  35. I love Chewbacca so much. I still giggle every time I hear him roar. His roar pretty much even kicks a lion’s roars ass.

  36. if he is hired I am totally commandeering him to my office. I have to work with 50 doodes, 2 chicks, only 12 people here speak english and everyone has the personality of a brick.

    We’d wreak havoc and it would be glorious.

  37. At first reading this I wasn’t really on board with having Chewie at work with me. I was just thinking he would get in the way all the time. But then you brought up the whole piggy backing thing and I was SOLD.

  38. Never seen Star Wars.


  39. Karen

    i love star wars and i love cbacca, one of the most loveable characters ever created

  40. Rachel

    so are you saying you’re going as Han Solo for Halloween?

  41. jen – Best sex of your life.

    matt – It’s true. I am, hahaha.

    duhn – But he’d be great fun!

    tia – I hope so! And I didn’t see him this morning, but tomorrow is another day.

    lauren – I bet he likes a good cab with his legs.

    princess – Absolutely.

    milly – Oh yes, he’d make everyone envious of your friendship.

    megkathleen – That part is crucial.

    rs – You just blew my mind.

    karen – This isn’t the real Karen, is it?

    rachel – Do you think I could pull it off???

  42. the shedding WOULD be horrible.

    But honestly, the only thing that would make work better is if we didn’t have to go at all …or, were paid a million dollars a day.

  43. Chewey would be awesome to have at work…I work in HR and if we had chewey there it would totally get people to stop coming in and ask questions!

  44. I would love having Chewey at my office. When I got tired of people he could make wookie noises and slam the door in their faces. Then, if I wanted privacy, he could stand in front of the window of my office, kind of like a long hairy curtain. Sigh. A girl can dream.

  45. This post is completely awesome, even though everyday at work will now seem a little bleaker, knowing I’ll never get to work with Chewbacca.

  46. I often drift into thoughts of what could be. Though your idea of Chewy being an office-mate is the best idea I’ve heard yet, I still do somehow hope that they hire a shipload of attractive, straight men to work at my office rather than the middle aged, facial haired women that work here now. I think I work with a few mini-Chewy’s now. And I hear their “Arrrrrrgh” when they’re in the bathroom.

    Oh to be 24, working in a building of big hairy women. I’m living my fairy-tale =/

  47. Pingback: i’ve got a bad feeling about this « surviving myself

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