getting to know you

This morning I was standing behind a middle-aged dude (hold on – am I middle-aged?  When does that start?  45 right?) waiting for the train and I noticed that he was wearing a backpack.

It was a Jansport, so of course I admired him for doing his Backpack Research because those things last forever.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I have a Jansport under my bed that was passed down from a caveman who needed it to carry some cool rocks he found.

While studying him I was slightly disappointed that he didn’t opt for the One Strap/Cool Kids Who Got Laid Look but instead had both straps over his shoulders.

And that’s okay, I mean, maybe he doesn’t like being Cool.  It’s certainly not for everyone.

The more I thought about this man and his Jansport though, the more I wanted something to spice it up.  I wanted it to be like in high school, when you could find out everything you wanted to know about a person by what patches and writing they had on their backpack.

Wouldn’t it be great if they made Adult Patches so we could put them on our bags and luggage?  If you said no, fine, please go back to reading Glamour and how to send the perfect romantic text message (Don’t you click that link!  Don’t you do it!), but if not, then here are some suggestions for patches:

“I’ve Got Three Kids And They All Disappoint Me”

“Me + Beer = Lonely”

“I ❤ Wearing Age Inappropriate Clothing”

“Still Can’t Add Without Using My fingers”

“I Make More Money Than You”

“I Regret Everything I’ve Done Since College”

“Me + Debt 4Eva”

I really think this is a good idea.  The patches could add some flavor to our bland adult lives, and in the process let everyone know a little bit about us.

Oh, but just a suggestion, if you happen to come across a guy sporting this one:

“I Wear Diapers”

Don’t stand to close.


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54 responses to “getting to know you

  1. Ben

    Patches on backpacks?

    How old ARE you??

    sorry…that was insensitive.

  2. hahahahahaahahhaha
    in middle school i used those fabric glue pens all over my backpack to write my favorite bands.
    there may have been a patch or two as well…

  3. If someone made me a patch that said “Me + Debt 4Eva” I would totally rock it on my purse.

    me and debt are BFFs.

  4. I think the standard “Mean People Suck” would still be appropriate.

  5. I’m glad I am too young for patches on backpacks but I like the idea of adult ones:

    “My kids don’t know I’m out this late”

    “If you can see this patch your contacts are OK”

  6. i put keychains on my backpack too. there was a cluster of about 6 and they would rattle all day long.

    i want to see a middle-aged person with an “OMFG!” patch.

  7. No worries…middle age (according to a college professor) occurs when your youngest child leaves for college. Maybe I should’ve passed on having kids as to avoid becoming “middle aged” (eww…typing that just gave me the shivers!)

  8. I like it. Plus I still have my Jansport backpack which is in my closet. I think it’s newer than your caveman one, so you want it?

  9. “Like, Oh My Gawd… we can sooo glitter too”

  10. HOW can you forget about writing on your backpack with white-out?!

  11. nancypearlwannabe

    Like Girl Scout badges?

  12. Matt

    Another million dollar idea…I dont understand how you’re not filthy rich yet.

  13. i’d be all for that, as long as i could keep on wearing my KISS patch. I’ve been rockin’ that shit for years.

  14. Teresa

    Sorry, but they already have “patches” for adults. They are called bumper stickers.

  15. deutlich

    My patches would all include expletives and shit that offends people.

    Just for the reaction.

  16. why someecards didn’t snatch you up when they had the chance is beyond me.

  17. My Hello, Kitty! backpack already says everything about me.

  18. I must confess. I clicked the link.

  19. Can I put them on my purse? I get embarrassed when I think about my maroon Jansport.

    I clicked the link.

  20. Uh… middle age starts WELL after 45. And if you disagree with me, I will need a “I once killed a dude for freaking me out about middle age” patch.

    Excuse me while I go into debt buying age inappropriate clothes and diapers in case I wet my pants while drinking myself into a stupor.

  21. Another patch appropriate for you:

    “Me + T-Rex = World Domination”

  22. using only one strap to carry back pack? causes super sexy scoliosis. remember getting the scoliosis test in gym where you had to take your shirt off and bend over in front of your gym teacher….oh wait, was that just me? god……

  23. No kidding, I thing you’ve got something here. This is your (latest) million dollar idea.

    And I really do regret everything I’ve done since college.

  24. Clear winner= “I ❤ Wearing Age Inappropriate Clothing”

    I think the backpack itself says enough: I don’t own enough stuff for a duffel bag and I don’t know/don’t care enough that the world has progressed 15 years since this was in style (otherwise I’d have the obligatory Timbuk2 messenger bag).

    One strap was cool but the real ballers rocked the straps extended to their maximum length. It was like a daredevil competition with winner walking awkwardly with a deeply dangling load of textbooks and the loser seeing the strap break lose and disaster ensue.

  25. My patch –

    “I blog but I swear I’m still cool.”

  26. Would it be inappropriate for AA to make some badges too? I mean, those would at least be age appropriate for the middle-aged class, yes?

  27. longredcape

    If you start making those, I want the one that says “Me + Debt 4eva”

    Or how about “I’m only on Facebook because it humiliates my kids”

  28. That was the worst link ever. I am angry with you for even posting it.

    Also, better to be by the diaper guy than by the guy whose patch says “I should wear diapers but I don’t.”

    Am I right? Huh?

  29. I was behind a van today that had a bumper sticker that read, “Happy camping makes happy families.”

    I beg to differ.

  30. Rachel

    isn’t that what people use tattoos for?

  31. My friends and I used to Sharpie on each other’s kitbags. And yes, patches were de riguer. I feel like most of ours were flowers and happy faces and shit.

    (I’m from Atlantic Canada. We call ’em kitbags.)

  32. I’ve been trying to think of what my patch would say, but I am all out of creativity this week. I guess the “I wear diapers” one is accurate enough.

  33. I think we should do this for bands, too, because why should Tool and Slipknot corner the band patch market when The Dave Clark Five could use the extra scratch?

  34. I don’t think one strap is cool any more.

    Wine Rulez!

  35. Karen

    what’s wrong wearing a backpack? i wore one when i worked in a lab and so did many of my colleagues (we’re a bunch of cool people)…anywho, i think you should start wearing a backpack with patches…you know start another “tipping point” phenomena.

  36. Yeah, one strap ISN’T cool anymore. Are shoulder problems ever cool, Christopher John?!?

    My patch would probably still say “It’s all about ME! Deal with it.”

    I have enough friends.


  37. This is why being gay is awesome, we have shirts which denote “Top” or “Bottom”

  38. I was one of those kids that wore the backpack on one shoulder. It pissed my mom off because she was convinced I’d get scoliosis.

    Then I was diagnosed with scoliosis and had to have surgery… can I sue Jansport? Or the cool kids?

  39. tia

    i always wore two straps. i guess i’m not cool.


  40. I prefer…I had sex with my wife last night….For the first time in 6 months.

    this is what married people do. I read it in Glamour

  41. I think I’m always last to comment …lol

    I still have my hunter green jansport backpack from high school….with writing and shit all over it. It now sits in the shed storing hundreds of cassette tapes I don’t know why I’m keeping.

  42. …loveMaegan is not the last to comment.


    It’s me! I’m last!

  43. Jen + Gin = A Rockin’ Rad Time…. I want that one!

  44. *waves* I was all about the patches back in the DAY.

    Im a dinosaur though…

  45. DDG

    If only I had a backpack.
    Oh wait, I do, because it’s actually a backpack and a trolley in one, making it a Backpack With Wheels.
    The rims are really shiny. “Blinging” even.

    And I kind of wish I was kidding, but I’m not.

  46. I think you might be a genius.

  47. :)

    Oh gosh. You actually made the effort to dig out that link?!


  48. Lol. that was funny. and just an fyi, i think middle aged starts at 35, but that’s just my opinion. and i am only 22, so what do i know.

  49. “Alcohol makes me happy” is a good middle aged one. Or you know, a now-aged one…

    Or how about “I Never Became A Rockstar”

  50. lol.

    Though I’ll take a few stickers that say, “I’m a wit bit off my rocker today, don’t stand close, may dump life problems in your face, by yelling at you” Oh, wait that’s a mid life CRISIS!

  51. I clicked the link. Im traumatized.

  52. I was expecting porn, so I of course clicked the link.

    I was disappointed.

    That was way worse.

  53. “My blog friends think I’m sexy”

  54. I’m breaking my rule about leaving comments on posts with more than 25 comments to say that we must be exactly the same age because I swear by JanSport, I wouldn’t be seen in public with both straps on- no matter how much junk I had in there- lest I be seen as a total geek, and I know how important those patches are.

    My grey high school JanSport bag had a Pink Floyd patch on it. You know the one, it was pink and black.

    My hunter green college one had a patch that said “War is not healthy for children and other living things”.

    Oh, and I totally didn’t need a new one for college, but I thought I should have one just in case someone was paying attention to me.

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