brain trust

There are currently hundreds of top scientists from around the world trying to build an elevator that would take stuff into space.



From places as far away and weird as Japan.  And Nebraska.

I’m kind of confused by this plan, because I always thought that scientists are supposed to be working on Things That Matter, not building a box that goes really high and maybe lets people touch stars or something.

If I was Chief Science Person, then I’d probably be directing our world’s brightest minds to tasks that really need tending to.

How about a liquor that doesn’t make you yell “I’m fucking awesome!” at random dudes with biceps the size of your head?

Or what about milk that disappears when it expires, instead of tempting you to play the Milk Roulette game and ask yourself, “Is the risk of puking worth having a bowl of Count Chocula?”

And while the scientists are at it, maybe they could invent Socially Acceptable Flannel, just so all the rednecks could have one thing to tell people they know more about than anyone else.

These are just a couple things that I think are more worthy than building a damn elevator to Uranus.

I can’t end on that joke, can I?

I mean, that’s not bad.  It’s not good, but c’mon, think about an elevator to your butt.

Unless you have already, and if that’s the case, maybe you should call the scientists and give them some pointers.


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50 responses to “brain trust

  1. Flannel is not OK. Not matter what universe you’re in.

  2. nancypearlwannabe

    They should try building a Wonkavator. That thing goes sideways, and brings you to rivers of chocolate which is way cooler than space.

  3. Sara Palin drew over 5,000 enthusiastic supporters at a rally in Omaha, Nebraska yesterday. That place scares me, too.

  4. deutlich

    There’s a whole lotta stuff about science that doesn’t make much sense to me..

  5. I think all the ‘real scientists’ have been busy building a black hole generator underneath Lac Leman.

  6. Ben

    When in reality, I think these scientists have just outdone themselves on the research project designed to determine the scenarios with the most possibilities for disaster – eclipsing their past work including day camps operated entire by underfed, hormonal gorillas.

  7. I would never ever get on an elevator to space. that is just ridiculous.

    I would, however, wear flannel.

    Don’t hate me.

  8. I have an elevator to my butt – check it out –

  9. Well, what’s fun about a liquor that doesn’t make you believe that you are, in fact, fucking awesome?

  10. Red

    Let’s cure some diseases, people! The whole “elevator to heaven” thing reminds me of the Tower of Babel. No good can come of this.

  11. can scientists please create a hangover cure pill?!? PLEASE?!?

  12. when I first learned that scientists were actually doing this, I thought it was a joke. I still cannot believe it’s not.

  13. What other stops are on that elevator? Or is it like one of those fancy movie elevators that just goes to the penthouse?

    Could I bungee jump off, like, the 90th floor? Because selling tickets to that would pay for this whole thing.

    Also, will Lance Bass be allowed to finally go into space on this elevator? I live for his dreams.

  14. But milk roulette is the best KIND of roulette…

    I used to work with a girl who, when prompted, would talk about “the rocket ship” that was going to “take us to our new planet”. She was also the only person I’ve ever met who claimed to be morally opposed to funding AIDS relief to developing nations. And she wore bad Chanel knock-off sunglasses. I’m not sure if she, personally, expected to have a seat on “the rocket ship”, but I do know that it has soured aeronautics for me considerably.

    But I’m judgemental.

  15. Matt

    Instead of building elevators to space and mattresses that dont bounce when bowling balls are thrown onto your bed, they could give that money to me.

    I will put it to good use.

  16. Why not just smell the milk to see if it’s still good?

    I should be elected Chief Science Person.

  17. … What happens when the elevator gets stuck? With milk, you can just chuck it. Flannel, send it to the salvation army. Liquor, you can simply pass out.

  18. Great. Now I want Count Chocula.

  19. Maybe they need to invent a way to force rent and food prices down. *Sigh*

  20. Oh, my, goodness. Flannel has to be okay, I tell my hubby so everytime he wears it!

    An elevator to your butt. Do you get on at the foot, ride up through varicous viens and deep knee pits, forests of ingrown hairs, pass by a few sweet spots and enter the world of guess what I ate for supper last night and wonder “What’s that smell?”
    Yeah, I pictured it. Huge imagination. Sorry. 😉

  21. ending with uranus would’ve been cool….wait, are we supposed to be calling it ur-an-us now instead of ur-anus. oh well, i’m still waiting for a cure for cancer or aids, but i guess an escalator to the moon is just as good as, you know, stopping people from suffering.

  22. yourgirlfreind – I totally agree.

    nancypearl – Oh man, I would be down for that.

    unbearable – The hair on the back of my neck just stood up.

    deutlich – Please elaborate.

    katrocket – What’s that???

    ben – Exactly.

    maxie – I’m like your parents, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

    narm – I will NOT go to that site.

    stealth – That’s a good point.

    red – I agree.

    alexa – I know!

    maegan – I was equally shocked. The world is fucking odd.

    pistols – Hahaha – dear god I hope he does.

    aine – She sounds like a good person.

    matt – First step: Buy an NFL franchise. The Denver Matt’s.

    kristen – I won’t let you. I’ll use smear tactics against your campaign. Of course, you’ll just use your boobs and win easily.

    foxy – I guess you die. Sad and dumb for getting in a space elevator.

    megan – Get some. Then send me some.

    marie – That would work too.

    duhn – Hahaha – well done.

    jay – Yeah, you’d think we’d be focused on that.

  23. I would like someone to explain to me how television works because I am afeared of it’s dark magicks.

  24. You mention of Count Chocula reminded me Boo Berry will be hitting shelves very soon. You unintentionally made my day.

  25. teality

    that’s hilarious!

  26. i would like an invention to make all the shitty food in my refrigerator disappear.

    please don’t stop at milk, chief science person. i have like a whole produce section and a graveyard of takeout.

  27. tia

    i always forget that nebraska exists.

    i’m smart like that.

  28. I totally had no idea people were really trying to make this happen!

  29. I wish they would spend their time building something good. Like a glass elevator that flies. Or a way to send my co-worker to Mars.

  30. I would’ve laughed if you had left it at “Uranus”. But I have the maturity level of a 3 year old, so maybe it was good you added a little more.

  31. pj

    Can I just get a landspeeder first, wtf…

  32. I seriously thought this was a joke when I heard about it. Who is funding all of this??

  33. I thought we can’t touch stars because they’re made of gas.

    haha. gas.

  34. Karen

    this post actually made me go ha ha (lower case). the elevator idea kinda reminded me of the jetsons, they had an elevator that went up and up and..up

  35. You can never go wrong wrapping things up on Uranus.

  36. I think we should have that elevator. And I think that instead of muzak, it should play Space Truckin’ by Deep Purple. I’d pay a lot of money for that ride.

  37. kiala – I will email you.

    lemmonex – Sweet! Boo Berry is entirely awesome.

    teality – Yes it is.

    gina – I’m not going near your old meatloaf.

    tia – It does too.

    alleged – I’m sorry I had to be the bearer of bad news.

    noelle – You could just kill her?

    mindy – But 3 year olds are my best audience!

    pj – Yes! Now that is a good idea.

    tiff – I know, right?

    rs – You can do anything you put your mind to.

    karen – The jetsons had the easiest life.

    mickey – Duly noted.

    hollywood – Hahaha – I hadn’t pegged you for a deep purple fan.

  38. They should invent a dog that can eat it’s own poop without getting sick. Until then I’ll stick to my usual disposal methods and leave it there till Dan mows the lawn. Every time he calls me a “lazy mother f*cker” I take a drink….

  39. You are a scientist.

    I second the Wonkavator.

  40. I don’t care about the yelling, “I’m fucking awesome.” But how ’bout they create a liquor that doesn’t make you want to jump up on tables and dance while throwing various items of clothing at people…

    That’s not just me is it?

  41. Pants

    I happen to sort of like liquor that makes me yell, “I’m fucking awesome!” Because I am pretty awesome. Though I supposed I’d prefer a liquor that would get me an A in biology and math without exerting any sort of effort whatsoever.

  42. For the most part, I think NASA is a waste of money. We know more about the surface of the moon than the bottom of the ocean. No one’s going to live on Mars. Forget about going to Pluto. America’s money can be spent on much more worth-while endeavors.

  43. ..but don’t rednecks already know more about NASCAR than anyone else? Do they really need bragging rights to special flannel?

  44. i don’t put much stock into this black magic science stuff. i don’t understand why they can’t get all these crazy scientists and technerds together on something that matters like, i dunno, curing cancer?!? i think dorks would be great for that. they’d have this shit figured out in like 3 months flat!

  45. Well, everyone is a little bit. I just thought that song would really work.

  46. Speaking of Uranus, I hope they plan on putting a bathroom in that thing. I don’t care if it an express elevator, it’s still going to take some time to get to space.

  47. Goose

    I’m going to state for the record…though entirely unhealthy Count Chocula is the greatest cereal of all time.

  48. Uranus. Nice. You could’ve ended there. I would’ve laughed.

  49. Um…hello…Charlie and the Chocolate Factory already invented this elevator.

    Silly scientists

  50. Completely agree! Why do we pay these people?!

    What I REALLY need is an all natural toothpaste that doesn’t taste like it came from that brave little elevator.

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