very easy

I have today off.

I know, you’re mad at me.  But don’t be mad at me, be mad at Chris Columbus, one of the most biggest idiots ever to grace the earth.

The man sailed some ships to a completely wrong destination, told everyone he was first even though he wasn’t, tortured and brutalized the natives that were already there and then became instantly famous for it.

I would love it if my job was exactly the same way.

Me: [Confidently] “Well I wrote the article, but I used facts from other stories and I interviewed someone who doesn’t have anything to do with the subject.”

Boss: “That’s great!”

Me: “Oh, and I punched Sally in the face this morning.”

Boss: [Smiling] “Even better – now let’s talk about that raise.”

Have you ever heard of a job as easy as Christopher Columbus had?

The guy was a complete moron, yet here I am, sitting at home because we recognize his “accomplishments” every single year.

Never has there been a more celebrated idiot than him.  Okay, wait, I take that back – people elected Bush twice didn’t they?

So Bush first, Columbus second.  I’m thinking Martha Stewart third.

(Since I have the day off, that’s all I got today.  I’ve got lots of other stuff to do, like rub my dog’s belly and watch Sportscenter forty times in a row.  If you want more, please go check out my guest post at Clever Girl Goes Blog, where I’m talking about a famous person I could do without.)


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42 responses to “very easy

  1. Ben

    I ate cold pizza for breakfast, am eating thanksgiving dinner for lunch and remembering how foxy Carrie Underwood was last night.

    Best day off ever.

  2. I have today off too. So far I’ve just been surfing the net and reading blogs. And watching youtube videos. Perhaps I will punch someone when I actually get out of bed.

  3. What kind of chaos math system is used to decide who gets today off? In other words –

    Why the fuck am I at work today?

  4. Oh Lord do I hate Martha. In grad school (for journalism) we had an obit writing assignment. Who did I “kill off?” Dear Martha. How? Carbon monoxide poisoning while heating chocolate cream for a peanut butter parfait.

    She’s the worst.

  5. deutlich

    Agreed wholeheartedly.

  6. Christopher Columbus was the first great marketing mind of our time.
    c’mon chris, it’s all about SPIN

  7. i’m convinced i’m the only person in the world that has to work today. as if people were out buying houses on such a holiday… which, you know, they aren’t. they are all home watching sportscenter 40 times over like the good little americans they are. whatever.

  8. Yeah but if weren’t for Columbus a Columbus Day mattress sale would make no sense. Now would it?

  9. I would challenge you with some other idiots in history….but I can’t remember anyones name.

    Damn you public schools!!!!!!

  10. Matt

    Make sure to offer Sally a blanket full of diseases when it starts getting cold outside.

  11. I’m so jealous you have today off! Fuck Columbus, though. BAH!

  12. this is the one holiday my office doesn’t get off…so weird and so annoying.

    there is a parade in chicago today, which reminds me of the episode of the sopranos where native americans are protesting the columbus day parade and all break loose once those mafia men get there.

  13. How do I work for the State and not have today off?
    Oh well, I’ll just have to take consolation in my 4-5 day weekend coming up. Oh, and- my 4 day weekend after that one.
    I’ll think of you when I’m on the couch eating slices of American cheese and watching game shows while the rest of the world slaves away at work.
    Who am I kidding? I’m not going to be thinking about you at all.

  14. Everyone lay off Martha, she totally opened up the domestic arts again. After her we all benefited from the appreciation of finely cooked food, organic items, heirloom veggies. And for us crafty people — knitting, sewing and canning.

    It’s sort of great to see your house and find things you’ve made by hand in each room. It’s a good thing.

    Okay, that last part was gay, but the rest was TRUE.

  15. longredcape

    Boo. I’m at work. But my would-be holiday for today is deferred, so I’m going to have like two weeks off at Christmas. WOOT!

    Christopher Columbus was a douchebag.

  16. I got friday and today off. Apparently we REALLY love CC around here.

  17. Don’t be hating on Martha! I agree on Bush and Columbus being doofuses though. Or is that doofi?

  18. I was about to launch into an attack on how you guys managed to vote both Bush’s back into office when you should have been pruning them back to nothing. I’m going to hold back though just in case us Brits go mad and vote in Brown, rather then burying the shit like we should…..

  19. I think I’d throw the weatherman into that mix, too.

  20. It would be fantastic if we got raises for punching people in the face at work! I think I’m going to petition for this…

  21. I think I need a jaunty hat like he had. That makes people instantly assume you did something amazing.

  22. Although I am clearly at work, not celebrating Columbus’ non-accomplishments, I kind of hate you for having the freedom to do so.

    Boo hiss.

  23. I read the title and thought this post was going to be about me. You’re lucky it’s not – we had an agreement.

  24. You are killing me! I’ve always thought that. Even in school I wondered why the teachers seemed so confident telling this stupid tale. And the poor Native Americans. To this day I don’t know why they haven’t killed us all. Instead they just take our money at casinos – good for them.
    Oh, and back to the teachers. Now that I’m an adult I get it. They didn’t know any more than the stupid text book told them. I once thought adults were smart and knew what was going on. Nope, another huge lie. And speaking of Bush… I’m frankly scared for anyone to be president now that I’m 35 and realize no body knows “nothin”. Oh the reality.

  25. Sounds like a good day off to me!

  26. We get George Bush day off? I don’t think so. Columbus is the number one idiot ever. Don’t you take that away from him!

  27. I don’t have today off dammit.

  28. Thanks for making today worse than it already is. You are no friend of mine Mister.

  29. I don’t get the day off. Canadians and Columbus supporters the continent over are celebrating today by doing nothing, and I am at working.

    But I’m not working right now, I’m reading blogs about people who are off for Columbus Day or Canadian Thanksgiving.

    Take that!

  30. Karen

    many famous writers, journalists are idots! they plagrize (sp?). remember jayson blair. so your scenario (boss / me) an’t that far off.

  31. Hilarious but true!

    On my day off I read something funny about Fergie by this guest blogger named Chris and then I stopped by his blog and read another funny post and another, and…well you get the idea.

  32. I didn’t have today off.

    So obviously Christopher Columbus wasn’t all he’s cracked up to be.

  33. But then again, I get All Saint’s Day off of school. Yes, that’s the day after Halloween.

    Ah, the perks of a Catholic university.

  34. You know, CHRIS, I must say…I’m not exactly crazy about your opinions here…that’s all.

  35. I would have LOVED today off. And I rather like Martha Stewart. So I’m thinking you third, actually…

  36. You should see if you can join a Native American tribe.

    They’re not exactly big Chris Columbus fans either.

  37. Even though I didn’t have the day off, my brain checked out around 9 a.m.

  38. I just stopped by to see all the hazing you got for being anti-Martha. Don’t tell anyone that I’m on team anti-Martha too, ok? And now team anti-Columbus… because I had to work yesterday.

  39. Jo

    It would be well good to get that much credit for discovering a load of stuff you didn’t actually discover. Chris Columbus was the first plageriser. (sp? sod it, I don’t really care how to spell it)

  40. Sneha

    LOL!! Though Bush beats the public at stupidity:P … in context to your blog at Clever Girl Goes Blog, Fergie has done worse … haven’t you even heard Clumsy?? “You’ve got me tripping, stumbling,flipping, fumbling, clumsy coz i’m falling in loveee” … really she should be sued!!! She spoils every day of mine coz our darling RJ simply loves her and blasts her music every morning!!

  41. man he really did have it easy. and i didn’t even get a day off for it. damn.

  42. Martha Stewart is the queen of evil. Make a career out of setting the women’s movement back, whydon’tcha?

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