the incredible shrinking blogger

Well, it’s official. I’m getting dumber.

I’ve thought this for awhile, specifically because I can vividly recall that in the cartoon G.I. Joe, Snake Eyes’ pet wolf was named Timber, yet I can’t seem to do simple division.

But now that there has been a study released stating that drinking shrinks your brain, I have all the proof I need.

With this study out, I now have a solid scientific reason for all the “one card short of a deck” moments of my life that I couldn’t explain before – my brain keeps getting smaller!

Like when I was in high school and I was leaving a court-ordered counseling session for my little weed problem, and I drove over the median in the parking lot on my way out.  The counselor saw.  He just shook his head.

I do believe this also explains why when it came time to pick a college, I chose the one that my best friend was going to and never even visited it.  And even when he told me he changed his mind and was going somewhere else, I still went anyway, figuring it must be a decent enough place.

And maybe this study reveals the real reason I drank so much on my first night at that college that I passed out on the sidewalk in front of my dorm building.

This study definitely explains why I’d rather point out all the boners on statues than appreciate the deeper meaning behind art when I visit museums.

Of course this trend is only going to get worse, because there is no way I’ll ever stop drinking.  It’s just too much fun, and besides, what fun have you ever had when you’re sober?  Maybe you laughed at this post, but I guarantee that if you had just drank a pint of Jack Daniels, you would’ve laughed a lot more.

As the years go by, I suppose this blog will just get worse and worse, until one day when I’m just typing absolute nonsense and your comments go from witty reactions to my writing to carefully posed questions concerning my mental health.

But until then, drink up my friends, you really don’t need all that brain anyway.


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53 responses to “the incredible shrinking blogger

  1. deutlich

    makes me glad I don’t really drink

  2. j

    yeah… this explains why i forgot my debit card pin# at the grocery store. i got it wrong until the check out chick told me i could run it as credit instead of trying over and over. i’ve had the same card and pin for over a year. if i drink enough i’ll be too stupid to know i’m stupid.

  3. So I suppose this dumbing down can be termed whiskey thought, a phenomenon similar to whiskey dick.

  4. jay grochalski

    hey i’m getting to the point where i have to record spongebob because i didn’t get it the first time around. there’s a great movie we all should see. it’s about the future. it’s called Idiocracy. check it out if you haven’t because if booze is making our brains smaller and us dumber, it isn’t the only thing.

  5. My brother shoplifted Storm Shadow for my Christmas present when he was 9. I haven’t even robbed a liquor store for him. I’m a bad brother.

  6. I’ll drink to that!

  7. Snake Eyes was a bad ass. Remember when The Fridge got his own action figure? And his ridiculous weapon was a cinder block on a pole. If not, now you know – and knowing is half the battle.

  8. Matt

    I will be getting dumber with you. Drinking is the biggest tag in my tag cloud.

    So dont worry, I will still think its funny in 20 years.

  9. I find that stupid people are way happier, so this post has inspired me to drink more. thank you.

  10. I agree with Matt. Don’t worry, there’ll always be a place for you around our garbage can fire…

  11. ok, your college decision making is fabulous.

    and i did laugh at this post, but i’m also hammered.

    cheers to you and your drinks!

  12. I was so relieved to hear about that study. It explains why I consistently leave the cereal in the fridge and the milk in the closet.

    Also, I wouldn’t worry about your blog getting worse over time because we’ve all got alcohol addled brains too and probably won’t even notice.

  13. This explains so much about why I am the way I am.

  14. I stare at the boners on the statues and giggle. And actually I don’t even need alcohol to do that.

    Your blog get worse? HA! Never will happen.

  15. as far as I see it as you get older you can only remember so many things, love so many people at a time – everything else, everyone else is just there to distract you

  16. Ben

    Just wait until senility is added into the mix!!

  17. Oh my! How big was your weed problem? Court ordered counseling…??? Wow! No judgement. I think I would puke if I drank a pint of JD.

  18. boners are art what are you talking about???

    It is an art I quite enjoy as a matter of fact and I don’t think I’m alone on that one.

    When you get the “raised eye brows” or “funny looks”

    just say “Its art bitches….. appreciate”

    though a word of warning that it doesn’t go down all that well to start off a big boardroom meeting.

    gawd there are too many puns in here for me to count. I need a stiff one… *ahem* drink that is…. oh eff its only 9:33 am…. pass the baileys.

    this probably means I can’t count past my one hand….. oh gawd I did it again, that is it I am going back to bed.

    *tromps off into distance*

  19. explains a lot.


  20. Last night my friend and I drank 3 bottles of wine. I think 1.5 bottles of wine per person is acceptable. Hey, I managed 3 hours of sleep and still got to work (mostly) on time. So how can I be getting dumber when I can still manage to swing that?! Clearly the study is flawed and alcohol actually HELPS YOUR BRAIN. And besides, I was drinking with a fabulously cute doctor, so I thinks I gots smarts by osmosis.

  21. deutlich – You mean sad, right?

    j – That’s the point!

    foxy – Nice!

    jay – I’ll check it out. On the subject – you should see Religulous. It’s funny as hell.

    justin – You are the worst brother ever. Damn, that is an awesome bro you had. Storm Shadow was always cooler than Snake Eyes.

    stacy – Yes!

    narm – Hahaha – I did know that. G.I. Joe!!!!!

    dutchess – You’ll have plenty of company.

    matt – Sweet, thanks man.

    amy – Good, you are welcome.

    aine – Awww – you are too nice.

    alexa – You are? Man, I’m jealous.

    kristen – That’s a very good point.

    maxie – I know!

    marie – I did too, it’s good fun. And thanks!

    owen – Wow, that was deep. I think you need a drink.

    ben – That’s when you start leaning on your family to take care of your dumb old ass.

    hbee – Big enough that I used to smoke everyday before school, during school and then after school. Doesn’t everybody do that?

    milly – Hahaha – I am going to display my art proudly!

    kindredly – I am here to help.

    perv – I bet you did. Keep it up!

  22. As someone’s already mentioned whiskey dick, I feel like that’s a perfect proof of how dumb drinking makes me. If I’m out at a bar and a woman seems interested, it’s probably time to call it quits after 6 or so shots of Jameson, right? And yet I never figure that out.

    Still, if she didn’t want disappointment, why sleep with an Irishman?

  23. I have a friend who actually asked if the Boston Marathon and the New York Marathon are the same distance.

    You’re fine.

  24. nancypearlwannabe

    Wow. Timber. That nugget of information might have remained forever out of my brain until right now. I wonder what I lost to make room for it?

  25. It doesnt even sound like your brain is shrinking. It sounds like you’re just a 20 something.

  26. I don’t know. Not a big drinker myself, though, wasn’t Albert Einstien a drunk? Just check out his picture. It’s as good as any hollywood stars after a good night out and got caught with drink in hand…

    Besides, he had to be either a drunk or a druggie to come up with the math equations he did.

  27. I thought my getting stupider was because of my environment and all the lead paint in the house and stuff. I think it made me happier to think that, than to know I’m doing it to myself with the cocktails.

    The good news is, I’m going to forget you told me this in like 10 minutes.

  28. I recall reading about this a few weeks ago. And then I thought, “eh” and shrugged.

  29. longredcape

    I’d rather be fun and stupid than boring and smart. Just sayin’.

  30. Excellent.

    This should be the beginning of a new art movement.
    I was thinking of a tent installment at MoMA however they declined my application as well as my pitch to sell the show (omg I have a serious case of the puns today)

    I was thinking of “Bonerific” or “Bonetastic” or just plain “Erection” or maybe “Johnsonville” but I think there is a copyright infringement on that… either way heads will turn. Oh yes.

    This is in fact a most marvelous idea.

    Can you imagine people wandering the halls of the galleries talking about my recent erections?!

    HA hilarious.

    I am a genius. Thats right. Madame Geniuspants over here.

  31. If I had just drank a pint of JD, I probably wouldn’t be reading anything.

    And I’m glad I’m not the only one who goes right to the genitalia when at a museum.

  32. And how does this make you feeeeeeeeeeeeel?

  33. This is very bad news indeed. I’m already stupid enough I don’t need booze making it worse. Yet, like you I’ll keep drinking. Is this why people have called me a boozaholic before?

  34. Beer make me think good, no know what you mean

  35. So this blog isn’t nonsense now? I think we have problems.

  36. pistols – At least us Irish can drink.

    yourgirlfriend – Time for a new friend.

    nancypearl – The name of your first love.

    toughgirl – As long as that works when I’m 30 in a month than I am fine.

    duhn – I’m sure he was.

    megan – Exactly!

    hollywood – Good for you, that’s the Hollywood I know and love.

    longred – You and me both.

    milly – I like Bonerific. Nice and classy.

    noelle – There are support groups for us.

    melissa – I’m fine with it.

    megkathleen – Yes.

    inreallife – U smirt.

    rs – We definitely do.

  37. I doesn’t inderstand.

  38. Pants

    Yesterday I found out that I have crap luck in dating and life because I haven’t accepted the truthfulness of the gospel and all of God’s blessings that come along with it. Maybe that’s your problem, too?

  39. I’m also installing bonerific terms into every day use, it should make great cooler talk whilst at the office.

    Yes it is definately a movement.

  40. Cheers to that my friend!

  41. Well, I’m fucked.

    On the plus side, maybe the alcohol is only killing off the dumber, weaker brain cells?

    Wishful thinking?

  42. who needs those brain cells anyways?

  43. Court ordered counseling? YOU ARE AWESOME!!

  44. Oh damn, drinking makes me dumber? It sure makes some guys look more attractive, that I know for sure.

  45. i’ve been thinking about how i feel really dumb at work sometimes and how i was definitely much smarter when i was in college.

    i was blaming it on booze but had nothing to back it up.

    and yeah, i’m going to keep on drinking. who cares if you’re smart as long as you are an awesome drunk?

  46. I couldn’t have even told you G.I. Joe was a cartoon. Maybe it’s time to step away from the highball.

  47. I may or may not be drinking wine as I type this.
    I also am proud to say that today I realized that my brain still has the space for numerous Phil Collins lyrics. Score!!

  48. To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don’t. As Ben
    Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in
    water there is bacteria.

    In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
    that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we
    would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) –
    bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of

    However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila,
    rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a
    purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
    Remember: Water = Poop,
    Wine = Health ,
    Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink
    water and be full of shit .

    There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I’m doing it
    as a public service.

  49. Sorry to disagree on the drinking and having fun bit. I gave up drinking a week before my 18th birthday which means I have never had a legal drink (I did enough before that) . I find that I can get high on the atmosphere, enjoy a great night with the added advantages :

    – I can drive myself home
    – I can remember what happened and blog about it with clarity, rather then saying “It must have been a great night, I can’t remember what happened”
    – The following day I don’t have a head like a the inside of a washing machine on a spin cycle containing 4 house bricks and a tramps freshly soiled underwear…. .

    I agree some people are boring when they don’t drink*, but as a general rule adding alcohol to those very same people only magnifies their powers to bore people. Don’t take this as a I don’t think anyone should drink rant, more of a lets eradicate boring people rant…

    * While I don’t count myself in this group, other people may have different opinion. Fortunately they probably won’t remember the next morning, providing me the perfect opportunity to start boring them all over again.

  50. sorry to go against the grain… but… I never get drunk (well… almost never) and I have much more fun sober than drunk!
    Did u ever try that possibility??? 😉

  51. It’s not the booze, it’s the penis.

    Just sayin’.

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