i am man

Chris is off gallivanting around in another country. His email didn’t specify which country which automatically leads me to believe he’s in Thailand. Yes, you have all heard the jokes. Use your imagination. Or don’t.

It seems that I was one of The Chosen because I am 1) a man and 2) funny.

Funny? How so? What movie was that where the little Italian guy that looks like a bowling ball goes off on a whiny rant because someone else mentions he’s funny? Goodfellas, right? I think I just lost a man point for not knowing that immediately.

I am a guy, and I can see his point about the state of blogland. Its 90% female. No offense ladies, but us manly men can only take so much of talking about feelings, puppies, kids, knitting, and Grey’s Anatomy. Tyler Durden said it best….we’re a generation of men raised by women.

I have come up with a list of manly things us men need to do before we die:

1- Take a bath in motor oil.

2- Chop down a tree using a hand axe. Wear flannel while doing this.

3- Participate in a demolition derby.

4- Drive a monster truck.

5- Play tackle football on concrete.

6- Grow a beard. (can be tied into #2)

7- Take over a country. Or your neighbor’s garage.

8- Bench press 300 pounds or more. On free weights.

9- Watch every Rambo movie, Die Hard movie, and Ahnold movie in chronological order with no breaks.   Last Action Hero can be skipped because it sucked. Stop watching Kindergarten Cop after the first 20 minutes. It goes from manly to mush very quickly.

10- Punch Tom Cruise in the face for the way he tricked us men with Jerry McGuire. That was no sports movie. Major League, Bull Durham, Brian’s Song. These are sports movies. Punch him again for being Tom Cruise.

11- Eat a 32 oz steak and a baked potato with all the fixings. In one sitting.

12- Drink a 24 pack of Milwaukee’s Best. A Malibu and Diet is not manly. Neither is your Cosmo.

13- Lay down asphalt.

14- Own a really, really big dog. A mean one.

15- Participate in a medieval jousting match. Or at least wear the armor. You can’t joust in a scarf or sweater vest, you girly-man.

16- Rebuild a Chevy small-block engine.

17- Start a fight at a hockey game.

18- Fix the toilet.

19- Go fishing. Clean the fish. Cook the fish over an open fire.

20- Own a garage with tools in it. Manly tools. Like a table saw. And a drill-press. And a blow-torch. Find any excuse to use them.

Any other recommendations are encouraged. Note that if you list something like dance or listen to John Mayer, you should double check to see if you’re really a man.

My name is Dan Mega. Bask in my manliness.

Discuss

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42 Comments

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42 responses to “i am man

  1. That was truly inspiring. Even though I am sadly NOT a man I still kind of want to go bathe in motor oil. I bet it would be very exfoliating. I bet I just lost any potential man points I could have had when I said “exfoliating.” Doh.

  2. Can we bathe Tom Cruise in motor oil and then light him on fire? I realize it isn’t exactly following rule #1 but I am trying to get creative.

    And your mocking of Kindergarten Cop makes us not friends.

  3. i would like to discuss how many words dan mega just wrote!

  4. I have done a surprising number of things on the man list. Perhaps, more than you. Perhaps.

    I do not like blogs about diapers, feminine health, make-up, babies, or kittens. This has nothing to do with being a man or woman. It has to do with how cool you are. Sometimes, the truth hurts.

  5. So, if you’re a chic and you’ve done the majority of those things, does that make us manly too??

    Just asking.

  6. There aren’t many things sexier than a man in a motor oil bath….

  7. yes dan, but what does a man do, where does he go, if i can get philosophical for a moment, AFTER he has done all of that? heaven?

  8. Matt

    I am checking them off now.

    All that is left is the Demo Derby and punching Tom Cruise.

  9. I’ve grown a beard and watched a demolition derby. I’m done.

  10. Nice. Very manly indeed.

  11. I’ve caught fish and cooked them over open fire, but I don’t clean them… I just jam a stick into them and eat ’em like a Popsicle. Can I still get credit for #19?

    And I WILL grow that fucking beard some day.

  12. I shall challenge you to a tree chopping race. Then we shall take our wood and cook Tom Cruise.

  13. Well, I’m wearing a flannel dress. Does that award any man points? I mean, I know it’s a dress, but it is a hard-core flannel.

  14. What if I’m bad at keeping things separated and I chop down Tom Cruise with an ax at a hockey game?

  15. How about take out the trash and wash dishes without being asked?

    Well, do that only if you’re a man who likes blow jobs.

  16. I’ve fixed a toilet. Twice. Does that make me manly? (Or awesome because my dad’s a maintenance man and taught me all of that stuff young.)

    Also, I need to say this. Last Action Hero? Did not suck! It was awesome! The kid went INTO THE MOVIE! How is that not cool?!

    (note: I may feel that way because 10 year old me had a huge crush on the boy in it.)

  17. You forgot about wrestling a bear! That’s an important manly rite of passage. My son shall wrestle a bear on the day he turns 7!

  18. #12 – The Beast???? Are you for real? That’s sick!!!

  19. You should probably spit and scratch your crotch a lot while doing all this stuff.

    And stare at boobies.

    If any women can stand to be around you “manly” men…

    😉

  20. Nicole

    This makes me want to be a man.

  21. I think this may be the best post you’ve ever written my friend.

  22. hey, i’ve can do number 18! (okay well my dad taught me how, but that’s because he’s awesome….he cleans gutters in hurricanes…seriously).

  23. Far

    oh i want in on punching tom cruise… god hes annoying!!

  24. Jousting does not seem all that manly to me, especially with the armor. Wouldn’t simply getting shot at — maybe while hunting with Dick Cheney — be a more modern, manlier alternative?

    I also think some of these should be combined. For instance, you should eat the 32-ounce steak while drinking the 24-pack of Milwaukee’s Best. Then, see whether you can avoid laying on asphalt.

    Shouldn’t demolishing something big be on the list? Breaking a bottle on your head? Jumping through a plate glass window? Escaping from prison?

    And doesn’t eating one salad negate all of this so that you have to start from the beginning again?

  25. did you have to look up how to spell Durden? I sure did. Does that make me manly or you less manly…hm.?

  26. Dan… I am disappointed. You were suppose to include the 72 oz steak challenge.

    If I ever decide to not be a vegetarian anymore, I’ll break back into the meat world with a trip to this restaurant and try the challenge. Then i’ll probably get really, really sick. http://www.bigtexan.com/72ozlive.htm

  27. Dan, I am 100% certain that I am in love you. If I made a list of things to look for in a husband, it would mirror yours exactly.

    On another note, my brother has always wanted to have a big black dog and name him Karma. Only so he can say, “Karma is a big black dog that will bite you in the ass.”

    Feel free to stalk me.

  28. If Tom Cruise didn’t push Jack Nicholson in A few Good Men we would have never gotten some sweet sayings.

    Wait that was scripted?

    Um, go men!

  29. If I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to drive in a demolition derby, would that make it less manly? Or would that make me a manly girl?

  30. I am so turned on right now…

  31. This might be my favorite post ever by you, Mega.

  32. I’m pretty sure you GAIN man points for Goodfellas. And it was Joe Pesci, so can I get extra credit? Or should I quit watching movies and go chop down a tree?

  33. According to your list, I am approximately 32% man.

    I’ll take the pay raise, but you can keep the 32% of a penis- thanks.

  34. In some places #11 entitles you to have the entire meal for free — like a steakhouse I fondly remember in Winnemucca. I think it’s so you don’t sue them for the heart attach you will have thirty minutes after the meal is over.

  35. A man blog about man blogging. It’s like looking in a mirror with a mirror behind it. Is it awesome x1000 or does it just make you dizzy.

    Seriously though, why are there so many more women bloggers?

  36. Um…I shouldn’t be thinking the things I’m thinking after reading this post.

    I love it.

    Especially number 5, 6, & 16!

  37. E.V

    you forgot “shoot a gun”…a big one…like an M4 or AK47 or WD40. 😉

  38. HA! Fun times!

    I can swing #9 and watch all those movies.

    I agree with JenBun as far as spitting and scratching your crotch while doing this stuff. 😉

  39. i am currently bathing in a tub of motor oil – aka your manliness

  40. uh… taking a bath in motor oil???
    hehehehe

  41. You need to shoot a gun and also, stand around talking about how big your penis is. Or how big your muscles are…

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