please, co-worker, tell me more about your dog

Good morning…if it even is still morning!   I know!  What was with traffic today?  It was so slow!  Can you believe that?  I mean, I thought it was supposed to be the rat race.  I am full of it today!  I don’t even need my cup of joe, because I’m already black and bitter!  Ha ha ha!  Except for the black part, of course.

You like coffee in the mornings, too?  We must be related!  I also cannot believe that they won’t buy another machine for the office!  Yes, HR often seems to overlook the basic needs of the employees – you’ve aptly stated that!  

You know, I used to have this great Garfield mug that said, “Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my first cup of coffee!”  That is such an accurate summation of the way I feel!  Aren’t I so intelligent, the way I purchase items with well-worn catchphrases? 

What’s that?  You have a dog?  Well, technically, Garfield’s a cat, but who am I to quibble over the ham-fistedness of another’s segues?  I’ll bet your dog’s confused by that big yard in your new house!  Can I have exact directions to your house, including the cross streets and at least two of the shortcuts you use to beat rush hour traffic?  Oh, and a third?  You are such a giver!  Even though I have only the faintest idea of the geographic area you’re referring to, I never would have thought you could take 29 to 167!  I must keep that in mind for all the times we’re not hanging out on the weekends! 

2 hours a day of walking your dog?  Wow, you certainly are dedicated!  Oh, sure, I can imagine that labs need that kind of care.  I mean, as if people who own beagles even deserve to call themselves pet owners with their twenty minute walks!  Might as well set up a Habitrail for your oversized gerbil, right?  Ha ha!

Seriously, I hope all people who own small dogs die.  That’s just inexcusable. 

Oh, eggs keep his coat glossy.  That information is going to be so useful to me at some unspecified point in the future.  Nope, no pets here.  I’m actually allergic to them, so I have to get my fill of pet ownership from other people telling me extensive stories about the trials and tribulations of their pets, down to the slightest nuance!

Oh, my goodness – that is too funny – I was just going to ask how your dog reacts to other dogs, and here you are telling me just that in great detail! I mean, now that I’ve got such a vivid mental picture of your dog, now that I fully understand it down to the cellular level thanks to all those descriptive adjectives and lengthy anecdotes, I would like – as an armchair scientist – to gather data on how that known quantity interacts with other similar quantities.  That would have kept me up nights guessing. 

I’ll bet he’s fussy with his food!  That sounds just like him!  Does he ever steal a long string of sausages like dogs used to in 1940s cartoons?  Do they sell sausages in long strings these days?  Whatever happened to that?


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38 responses to “please, co-worker, tell me more about your dog

  1. Ah coworkers, gotta love them, or just blog about them.

  2. nancypearlwannabe

    Holy crap. Your co-worker must be one talkative SOB.

  3. Ari

    You forgot to mention the constant updates on their kids and how little Johnny was so cute with the crayon sticking out of his nose….

  4. While I might say a comment or two about my dog once in a blue moon, a coworker feels the need to tell ALL OF US ALL THE TIME about, get this, not her dog…but her niece’s dogs.


    Argh. I hate it. People suck.

  5. I think we work in the same office.

  6. Hey Pants On Fire, You said you like it when I talk about my pussy.

  7. Ha! this just made my morning. Replace dog with baby and you’ve got every single goddamn day at my job. Oh and birthing stories. THOSE ARE THE BEST!

  8. God…I’m totally one of “those people” except I’ll admit I’m guilty of talking about my kid, since I too am allergic to pets. I’ll be ready for my public flogging!!!

  9. Don’t hate just cuz you don’t have a cool dog like mine. And therefore your life is empty and meaningless.

    Oh and my beagle and I walk 4 miles a day so you can suck it!

  10. ROTF!
    I HATE those people. Blargh.

  11. “Seriously, I hope all people who own small dogs die. That’s just inexcusable.”

    I can’t wait for Ben to kick your ass for that. lol

  12. Now let’s talk about my cat, who is so very different from every other cat in the world.

    Don’t any coworkers own monkeys?

  13. Hysterical! Thanks for the laughs.

  14. DDG

    laughing out loud and scaring the people across from me in the library. They now all think I’m “special”, therefore they will leave me alone. Thanks!

  15. We used to take bets on how long it would take one of our co-workers to bring up her “kitties” in any conversation. “Ham-fisted segues” were her stock in trade. Unfortunately, somebody always won. Every. Freakin’. Time.

  16. Sure, these dog people are annoying, but are they any worse than the kid people, or the car people, or the former porn star people?

    Or bloggers. Man, those dudes are the fucking worst.

  17. Hina

    hah. you are now my official favourite ❤

  18. You are the most hating hater in the history of hate. And couldn’t be funnier. Cheers.

  19. Works well with others.

  20. Yup, I like dogs more than cats, that’s for sure. And eggs are just the thing I use to keep my coat glossy.

  21. Dogs are man’s best friend. And smelliest. Unless you have a smelly friend.

  22. I’m hoping that conversation ended with a nice slap. Yes?

  23. this is too much…but hilarious!

  24. Duchess, I’m sure on his blog, he’s probably got an entry entitled, “Can you believe this guy gave up on my dog stories after only 40 minutes?”

    Nancypearl, I’m pretty sure I could have watched the English Patient twice in the time it took him to craft his yarns.

    Ari, this particular gentleman isn’t exactly going to be having kids anytime soon, what with his predilections for the dudes and all.

    amindinmotown, that sounds even worse, as they aren’t her dogs. When your life becomes stories about other people’s things, that’s about as sad as it gets, like being a backup dancer in your own fantasies.

    Gwen, if there’s someone constantly banging his head against his desk, that’s me.

    Kat, that’s usually only when you call me late at night with stories of how dirty it got today.

    Ashley, I tend to end birthing stories by seeming way too interested in how dilated their lady parts were. No one likes that guy.

    SS+1, we just need to find you others like you, so you can tell each other stories and save us the polite nods.

    Word Perv, my life is empty for so many reasons; I’m sure the lack of a beagle is just one of them. He said that small dog owners were lame, and I thought, “What a weird distinction to draw.”

    Double Agent Girl, would that people could hear themselves talk and realize how boring they’ve become. It’s like recovered alcoholics – they’ve typically lost the only thing I liked about them.

    Grace, much like Hitler ruined that little mustache, Paris has ruined little dogs.

    Stoogepie, I will have to keep trying new jobs until I find the monkey stories, because I would never tire of those, especially if they involved throwing poop.

    lacochran, you’re quite welcome, though it feels strange to turn my vitriol into something positive.

    DDG, as some French dude once said, “Hell is other people,” so you’re welcome for the assist in dodging Hell for the next hour or so.

    gilahi, but what did they win? If you’d sweetened the pot enough, maybe the stories would have been tolerable.

    Justin S, I agree. I’d like to start a blog to complain about bloggers, but that seems to defeat the point.

    Hina, I feel the same way about me.

    The Brooklyn Boy, if I could figure out how to power the world with my hate, we’d have no need for cold fusion.

    JenBun, I do, in that I’d rather do everyone’s job for them instead of talk to them. Everyone wins that way.

    Noelle, I prefer dogs to cats, too, mostly because the former usually doesn’t poop inside. But when it comes to stories, I’d rather hear about people, not anthropomorphized animals.

    rs27, since I know a few vegans, I’ve got those smelly friends. I keep telling them soap’s not an animal byproduct, and they keep saying, “That’s what The Man wants you to think.” Actually, they say that to everything. I need better friends.

    Suze, if by “slap,” you mean, “Me walking back to my desk, saddened by the fact that thousands of years spent developing a spoken language culminated in this conversation,” then yes.

    Bobby, anyone living through the telling of these tales would have agreed it was too much.

  25. You just reminded me of something I keep meaning to do–stab myself in the brain with a rusty knife! Thanks!

  26. gotta love the coworker stories, always.

  27. Wow, so the entire day you basically needed earplugs and something to stab your eye out with, right?

  28. For a minute there, I thought I was at my office. Turns out I was at my office, but I was reading instead of pretending to listen.

  29. LOL! Okay, so which one is you? The dog owner or the annoyed employee? 😉

  30. Stuff like this makes me want to work from home.

  31. For his next birthday, you need to get him a nightshirt with Garfield looking frazzled on it saying “I don’t do mornings”.
    And then act shocked when he says he has a dog.

  32. E.V

    SOMEONE get this man some coffee! GASH!!!

  33. I would LOVE to have a co-worker again… no matter how annoying they can be!!!
    Being a freelances sucks sometimes… 🙂

  34. Once they start telling about their dog’s poops (size, shape, smell, frequency, etc.) I think it’s actually legal to have them committed.

  35. “Seriously, I hope all people who own small dogs die. That’s just inexcusable.”

    OhmyGOD, I can’t even take it. My boss is looking at me all sorts of pissy because I keep laughing out loud and it’s all your fault.

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  38. Now i really really want to get a dog of my own.

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