useful information

This just in!!!

The Dow is way up!

Wait – now it is way down.

Now it’s up again!!!

Hey, News, how about you make up your mind.  You are starting to sound like a girl at a movie theater.

“It’s so COLD in here, I wish I had brought a jacket!  Do you think it’s cold?  I think it’s cold.”

5 minutes later…

“Gaaawd it is like 100 degrees in here!  Ugh, I feel so gross.  Am I sweating?  I feel like I am sweating…”

5 minutes later…

“Are you cold?”

WE GET IT.  The stock market sucks.  It goes up and down like my pants during an Eva Mendes movie.  How about when it does something consistent for 15 minutes – THEN you tell me about it.

Maybe it’s me.  I am guessing the fact that I am an idiot doesn’t help things.  Telling me the Dow is down 700 points is like telling a 6 yr old about how you are out of flour – I don’t know what that means and I just want to know what is going on with the cupcakes.

Why can’t the news focus on how the fall and rise of the stock market impacts my life?

“Dow rises 700 points – Stocks now stable enough to spend $40 on booze tonight.”

That’s news I can use!

“Stock market closes with worst day ever – stick with PBR.”

Got it, thanks CNN.  You are so helpful. 

But what’s the status on those cupcakes?


Filed under Uncategorized

29 responses to “useful information

  1. Huh? I just came over here because I heard there were cupcakes and beer.

  2. THANK YOU! I thought the news had a special language they used that I was not allowed to know what the hell they were talking about. I think we need dumb people like us to do the news.

    “this just in, We’re screwed, gas prices will be raping you up the ass, get a bike!”

  3. That girl sounds like she’s going through menopause. Maybe the stock market is too?

  4. You’re giving away cupcakes? I want IN on that action 😉

  5. Oh thank god, I thought I was the only one that did not understand all this fancy news stuff.

  6. I don’t understand economics at all either.

    I just try not to spend any money.

    Unless I’m shopping at Target.

    Then it’s just like, you know. Forget it.

  7. “Dow rises 700 points – Stocks now stable enough to spend $40 on booze tonight.”

    mentioning booze? thats economics i can understand.

  8. I am lost in the woods when it comes to economics as well. Yesterday, I read about some guy who invested in Ford and lost close to $7 million in 4 months. WTF?!

  9. Women are much easier to understand than the stock market.

    “It’s so COLD in here, I wish I had brought a jacket! Do you think it’s cold? I think it’s cold.”

    is code for “Make a move, Slick.”

    “Gaaawd it is like 100 degrees in here! Ugh, I feel so gross. Am I sweating? I feel like I am sweating…”

    is code for “What was I thinking?! Get the hell off of me!”

  10. It means no cupcakes for the baby, yo. No love.

  11. Matt

    People start getting assassinated when I cant spend $40 on booze.

  12. I want cupcakes and beer!

    And, yes. Economics makes me want to consume sugar and drink too.

  13. $40 on booze? thats all? holy smokes your a cheap date.

  14. i like what you did with this here buddy.

    i also liked how you included cupcakes in the post, if you didn’t have a beard i would have thought this was written by a girl.

    i kid i kid

  15. nic

    So true about chicks in movie theaters. And offices and cars and planes and supermarkets and…..

    We can’t help it, but it’s true!

  16. deutlich

    wait. wait. our economy is in trouble?!?

    Omg, SINCE WHEN?!

  17. When my stepson asks about what it means when the Dow drops 800 points in a day, we just tell him it’s means that, since our 401k is worthless, he’ll have to be the one eventually wiping our asses instead of the fine folks at Shady Acres.

  18. did you or did you not make cupcakes?

  19. I propose we move to an entirely booze- and cupcake-based economic system.

    People who don’t drink will, unfortunately, be the ones giving away blowjobs on the side of the road, for food and shelter. (And they won’t even have the benefit of booze to, ahem, make it go down easier!)

    Diabetics are just fucked.

  20. The cupcake analogy is one of the most succinct and delicious analogies I’ve ever heard.

  21. Note to self: Don’t watch an Eva Mendes movie with you. Could get awkward.

  22. bahahah – don’t tease girls. it sucks being colddddddd all the time.

  23. and that is why I don’t watch the news.

    …oh, and, it’s ALWAYS cold in the movie theater. a girl who doesn’t bring a sweater is just dumb.

  24. Nice. You’ve done a great job filling in. And tying it to your own blog too? So topical. I love it.

  25. My economic advice? NEVER stick to PBR.

  26. kez

    I hear ya! Although the finance news is funnier (in a tragic way) now – I never watched it before, but all the little arrows pointing down together is kind of a novelty…

  27. teality

    Ha, ha. Nice analogies. What happened to “room temperature?”

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