We continue men week here at Surviving Myself with the ultimate man. Me. That would be RS27 for the unknown. If you would describe ultimate as handsome, tough, brown, not afraid to cry at the end of Growing Pains when the Seavers move to Washington, D.C. and brushing your teeth, then I am the ultimate man.
Men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men.
That’s my theme song. Don’t make fun. Chuck Norris is my dad.
I made that up.
My dad is my dad.
So anyways to continue about how awesome men are this week, I’ve decide to write about the topic that proves our manlihood to everyone.
I tend to have a lot of women friends. This means a few things. 1.) Women like me. 2.) I’m not having sex. 3.) I’ve heard the phrase “Lay off, I’m having my period” more than twice in life. With those 3 things I get stuck in the friend zone. Men know that zone. You dream that you could totally make out with your hot friend one night when you go over and watch “The Amazing Race” and right at the part where they reach the mat she reaches over and you guys do it right there only to be interrupted to see who got eliminated.
Eliminations > Sex.
Of course, that never happens because we live in the “real world” where “men” don’t have “relations” with “women” that they “know” “like” “that”.
The one perk of knowing women, though, is that you pick up a lot of little things. Don’t leave the toilet seat up, What color is best with your skin tone and my personal favorite, that girl is a total bitch.
Because I know so much about fashion now last weekend I became the fashion maven for these two girls at a party I was at.
Girl #1 – “That shirt looks great on you.”
Me- “I know, certain colors work better with my skin tone. Brown. See I’m brown”
Girl #2- “What color would look good on me?”
Me- “Brown (Damn RS, you so slick. Self High Five!), but seriously, you should go dark colors because you have paler skin. The contrast looks better for you. Light colors make you look pasty. Unless you go crisp white. That could work.”
Girl #1 – “That’s what I told her!”
Me- “As for you, you should go with beige or orange to help accentuate your red hair. You’re an autumn.”
Girl #1 – “Where did you learn all of this?”
Girl #2 – “We teach boys so…”
Me- “And Isaac Mizrahi, that guy is great.”
Girl #1- “Really? You’re fascinating. Are you gay?”
Me- “If by gay you mean liking women, then yes.”
Girl #2- “Usually only gay guys know that stuff.”
Me- “And smart dudes. (Two thumbs pointed at me)”
Girl #2 – “So you’re not gay?”
Girl #1 -“Oh”
OH?!?! What does Oh mean? Men can’t know about fashion without being gay? What about that guy Cojo? Verasce? Those queer eye dudes? Are they gay? I think no….
They are? Damn.
So anyway I’m going to go make out with a GIRL, then watch some FOOTBALL, play some VIDEO GAMES, and then fix up 342 OLDSMOBILE ENGINES.
But, seriously, if you have light eyes wear deep, dark blue. Believe me, it works.
(This and more fashion tips at Your Beard is Good. Maybe not fashion tips)