just being honest

We continue men week here at Surviving Myself with the ultimate man. Me. That would be RS27 for the unknown.  If you would describe ultimate as handsome, tough, brown, not afraid to cry at the end of Growing Pains when the Seavers move to Washington, D.C. and brushing your teeth, then I am the ultimate man.

Men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men.

That’s my theme song. Don’t make fun. Chuck Norris is my dad.

I made that up.

My dad is my dad.

So anyways to continue about how awesome men are this week, I’ve decide to write about the topic that proves our manlihood to everyone.

Women.

I tend to have a lot of women friends. This means a few things. 1.) Women like me. 2.) I’m not having sex. 3.) I’ve heard the phrase “Lay off, I’m having my period” more than twice in life. With those 3 things I get stuck in the friend zone. Men know that zone. You dream that you could totally make out with your hot friend one night when you go over and watch “The Amazing Race” and right at the part where they reach the mat she reaches over and you guys do it right there only to be interrupted to see who got eliminated.

Eliminations > Sex.

Of course, that never happens because we live in the “real world” where “men” don’t have “relations” with “women” that they “know” “like” “that”.

The one perk of knowing women, though, is that you pick up a lot of little things. Don’t leave the toilet seat up, What color is best with your skin tone and my personal favorite, that girl is a total bitch.

Bitches.

Because I know so much about fashion now last weekend I became the fashion maven for these two girls at a party I was at.

Girl #1 – “That shirt looks great on you.”

Me- “I know, certain colors work better with my skin tone. Brown. See I’m brown”

Girl #2- “What color would look good on me?”

Me- “Brown (Damn RS, you so slick. Self High Five!), but seriously, you should go dark colors because you have paler skin. The contrast looks better for you. Light colors make you look pasty. Unless you go crisp white. That could work.”

Girl #1 – “That’s what I told her!”

Me- “As for you, you should go with beige or orange to help accentuate your red hair. You’re an autumn.”

Girl #1 – “Where did you learn all of this?”

Me- “Women”

Girl #2 – “We teach boys so…”

Me- “And Isaac Mizrahi, that guy is great.”

Girl #1- “Really? You’re fascinating. Are you gay?”

Me- “If by gay you mean liking women, then yes.”

Girl #2- “Usually only gay guys know that stuff.”

Me- “And smart dudes. (Two thumbs pointed at me)”

Girl #2 – “So you’re not gay?”

Me- “Nope”

Girl #1 -“Oh”

OH?!?! What does Oh mean? Men can’t know about fashion without being gay? What about that guy Cojo? Verasce? Those queer eye dudes? Are they gay? I think no….

They are? Damn.

So anyway I’m going to go make out with a GIRL, then watch some FOOTBALL, play some VIDEO GAMES, and then fix up 342 OLDSMOBILE ENGINES.

But, seriously, if you have light eyes wear deep, dark blue. Believe me, it works.

(This and more fashion tips at Your Beard is Good. Maybe not fashion tips)

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37 Comments

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37 responses to “just being honest

  1. Matt

    Do you think it would be the same if you had eliminations sex while watching the biggest loser?

    I’m not really an “Amazing Race,” kind of guy.

  2. Before I even read that part of the conversation, I was thinking to myself, “Dude, don’t tell girls you know anything about fashion, they’ll think you’re gay.”

  3. Arielle- ME TOO! lol

  4. Ben

    That ”Oh” means she was disappointed because she’d rather have a fagbangle tell her she’s pretty all night long and that she doesn’t have to lose a pound rather than a straight guy – then she’d have to be all attractive and shit.

  5. I agree with Arielle and SS+1. Chic’s will think your gay if you tell them you know anything about fashion or what looks good on them!!

    I’ve recently heard though, you should call yourself Metrosexual. It’s exactly what you just discribed. You’re straight, but know that crap.

    Perhaps that’s why you’re only the “Friend” and not the Boyfriend. Because secretly, you just haven’t came out yet. And who wants to be the chic whose dating you when you do. Ahhh, heart break! Shit. You’re gay? Damn, shoulda figured!

    Just sayen.

  6. The only way to prove you’re not gay is to fix a girl’s carburetor.

    Whatever the hell that is.

  7. As much as I hate to admit it, if a guy were to give me fashion advice my desire to sleep with him would start its decent down the toilet bowl of “never gonna happen.”

    Same goes for men who #1) Take more than one shower a day, without being forced. Obsessively clean people irritate me. Dirt is good! Strengthen your immune system!
    #2) Have more hair products than I do.

  8. There are benefits to these people thinking you’re gay. For instance, you might have conversations that include the phrase “do you think the left one feels bigger that the right one?”

  9. Please record your theme song so I can download it.

    Or have Clay Aiken record it.

    What?

  10. You know who also knows about fashion? Chuck Bass. And he’s the man!

    No, but seriously…what colors look good on me?

  11. are you sure you’re not gay?!?

    jk jk

    can you tell me what colors look good with my pasty complexion as well?

  12. I’m going to have to second what Ben said.

  13. yes! im wearing a blue shirt today and have blue eyes. i think you would approve.

  14. Toe

    The “oh” was disappointment that they couldn’t invite you shopping and to the pajama party so you could braid their hair. You’d probably be really good a braiding hair.

  15. I like gay-seeming straight guys.

  16. Blonde blue eyed white girl, so I can wear most light colors except, well white. It matched my skin too well. It makes me look like a wall.

    There is still hope that friends of the opposite sex can have sex. It happens. You should read my diary.

  17. I am a girl who has had sex with her guy friends.

    I am also a girl who, instead of thinking a guy is gay when he gives her fashion advice, thinks “Aww! How sweet! I bet I WOULD look sexy in that! I should sleep with him, to thank him!”

    I am ALSO also a girl who has slept with guys who later come out to be gay.

    Hmmm…

    I am a girl who should work on all of that.

    😉

  18. pj

    I hate to be the only A hole guy reading this but.. All you have to do is get the old beast with two backs on with one of those girls.. And do it right (you know, no quickies) and they will all line up for you.. Come on all the guys were thinking it..

  19. Can you start posting fashion tips on your blog because, well, no advice here for a girl with brown eyes. I’m so left out! I’m really hurt man…

  20. god, you killed it when started to talk about fashion anything……my first thought? GAY.

  21. you should have said… yes… I’m gay. lets give each other massages. it works.

  22. Want to go shopping with me?

  23. If you want to make out with your hot friend who is a girl during The Amazing Race go for it.

    She probably wants to make out with you too!

  24. You know, I DO have light eyes, and I DO look good in a deep blue. You’re so wise!

  25. so wait… you’re not gay?

    damn! looks like i owe someone $5.00

  26. Around here, that kind of knowledge doesn’t necessarily brand you as gay, but it does earn you a spot on the Metrosexual Train.

    Don’t feel bad. My husband is the conductor.

  27. Oh man, you’re too good with women to be the perfect man for me. In one way or another you’d be perfect for a lot of my friends, but me… I dont give a shit what color looks good on my skin, or any of that. I just can’t get myself to care.

    Though I probably should.

    blah, i’m defective as a female.

  28. so should i be coming to you for make up advice now?

  29. Wait, so what word of advice would have for us yellow friends?

  30. LMAO! This is a great post!

  31. You’re so precious I can’t stand it. I can totally crawl it though… because I drink too much to stand it. My name is J, and I’m a respond-to-blogs-when-I-drinkaholic.

  32. So what should you wear if you have brown eyes?

  33. kez

    HAHA hilarious as usual 🙂

  34. I’ve found another Self High Fiver YES! My friends don’t get it though, they call it a clap. Boo.

    Oh and if a guy knows more about fashion than I do, my Gaydar goes into overdrive.

  35. I’ve found that wearing pants is preferable to not wearing them, especially to the picky fashionistas at my local kindergarten.

  36. tia

    reluctant metro-sexuals are my favorite.

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