Alright single dudes everywhere, today is Halloween, which means tonight there will be Halloween parties. Let me repeat that (I stole that line from Biden) – Halloween parties.

You know what Halloween parties mean, right?  It is the closest you will ever come to lots of scantily clad women getting wasted.  Unless you were one of those dudes who went to a huge college and was in a frat that had parties like “Show Your Boob Night,” and in which case let me just say – I hate you.

Tonight, single men, is your best chance at getting laid.  Even better than the time you told that girl that Beaches is your favorite movie.

Everywhere you look there will be slutty versions of everything you could possibly imagine.

Slutty nurses.

Slutty teachers.

Slutty chalk boards.

Slutty sluts.


Even slutty sluts.

All you have to do is spark a conversation with a girl at the party and hope for the best.

Single Dude: [Sliding up next to a slutty teacher] “So you know, I went to school.”

Slutty Teacher: “Oh my god!  So did I!”

Single Dude: “Yeah, I could tell. You know, what with the skirt that shows your butt cheeks and all.  My teachers wore that same outfit.  It was pretty rad.”

Slutty Teacher: “Hahaha!  You’re funny, let’s make out until we puke on each other!”

Single Dude: “Sounds good.”

It really is that easy guys.

Put on a mask, grab a six pack and get your ass to a party.  Oh and remember, if you’re going to do four keg stands and nine shots before you start trying to meet girls, your Soldier might not be ready for battle when the time comes to attack.


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64 responses to “scary

  1. deutlich

    I’m proud to say that my outfit is not at all slutty.

    It is pretty damn rockin, though.

  2. nancypearlwannabe

    I’m going as myself: slutty librarian.

  3. I’ve never been a party girl. Nor gone to any of those parties. Does that crap really work??

  4. rachel

    It’s true–you DO help people.

  5. best people watchin’ night for sure.

    slutty football players
    slutty gold diggers
    slutty brides
    even slutty harry potters.

    I’m going to be Rainbow Brite – completely covered mind you.

  6. rhodeygirltests

    My outfit is reallllly far from slutty. I’m going as a giant turkey hahahaha

  7. My costume will not be slutty, but my actions might be.

  8. This makes me wish I had a slutty costume and a party to go to.

  9. Ok seriously I was laughing like a crazy reading this…for the record I am dressing as Princess Leia, not really slutty but def. a tad sexy.

  10. Hahahaha, awesome, do we need to dress up for this “Halloween” thing then? That sounds like work.

    Can’t we just try and pick up single mothers as they come to our doors with their kids trick or treating? Then we don’t even have to leave the house and they’ll already know where to show up after their kids are asleep.

  11. The word “attack” there makes me a little uncomfortable, but I’m all for calling my guy a soldier.

    Top twenty! Shit yeah!

  12. Slutty garbage collector? That totally works, right?

  13. chrissy

    haha! i’m going as a slutty nurse.

  14. If I were single, I would totally not make out with anyone tonight – JUST TO SPITE YOU.

    Would that work? I’m not sure, but it sounds good.

  15. Ben

    But yet it’s surprisingly not okay for guys to dress as slutty anything. UNFAIR.

  16. I’m with Ben. We need to have equal opportunity slutiness. Maybe next year I’ll dress up as S&M Darth Vader.

  17. Far

    Happy Halloween! I agree we need more slutty men MmmM….. slutty cops, slutty army boys, slutty firefighters, slutty rambos, slutty vampires, slutty supermans….. im on the look out tonight lol

  18. I’ll be slutty Little Red Riding Hood … and my boyfriend is only half excited about it. Me showing my tatas to the world via massive cleavage? Not too thrilled. Him ravaging Little Red at the night’s end? Pretty damn awesome.

  19. I know what I want to be now. Slutty computer geek. I think my boyfriend will like it.

  20. i’m a slut everyday. so i figure that on halloween i should take sometime off and dress as something wholesome like a tulip.

  21. the ivy league schools have naked parties… they put show your boob parties to shame.

  22. jay grochalski

    slutty teachers? damn, i’m married. but it does remind me of Mrs. Benis in 10th grade. we all called her Mrs. Bend Ass (an obvious choice) because she wore short, knit skirts, and liked to bend over a lot in front of a room full of boys. She did it on purpose, but hell if i cared.

  23. deutlich – Just how great can it be if it’s not slutty???

    nancy – Nice!

    hillbilly – You’d be surprised.

    rachel – I deserve an award or something.

    allison – Slutty Harry Potter? Gross.

    rhodey – Yeah, that’s about as far from slutty as possible.

    kat – Hahaha – that is a great attitude.

    gwen – There’s still time left! Don’t give up!

    jossie – Oh man, that is every dude’s fantasy. Ok, maybe just mine and any other star wars dorks.

    poobomber – That is a much better idea.

    mickey – Why? It’s a war private! Man, that was a good pun, huh?

    lemmonex – I am so turned on right now.

    chrissy – Well done!

    mindy – No way you’d be able to last. Some guy would start talking about animal rights and next thing you know you’re licking his butt. Oh come on – everyone does that, right?

    ben – Totally unfair.

    justin – Isn’t darth already damn S&M?

    far – I’m going to be a slutty blogger!

    hbee – Uh, yes?

    amind – It’s all about the reward at the end.

    marie – I’m sure he will.

    alexa – It’s nice to change things up sometimes.

    jenny – Hmmm… I knew I should have accepted Yale’s scholarship!

    jay – Man, I wish I was in that class.

  24. Hahahahaha… Just for the record, I’m a slutty witch, so chances that a guy will know how to start a conversation related to my costume are… well, it’s hopeless.

  25. God I hate Halloween.

    I just had a vendor email me a picture of himself dressed as Anakin. He’s 30 and dressing up for Halloween at work. Why does no one else think this is wrong?

  26. k8

    You soldier? He needs to stay sober enough to get it up. Yes, he does.

  27. Dude. I live in New Orleans. There are a million and one excuses to dress slutty here. Halloween is just another night of drunken debauchery for this place.

    Slutty Vampire

  28. These are appropriate costumes in which to greet the neighborhood trick or treaters, right?

    I mean, I’ll be like “What are you? A little princess? Here are some snickers.”

    And the little princess’s daddy will slap my ass.

    Gawd. I hope so.

  29. hilariously true. your twitter comment about going as an idiot …brilliant. lol

  30. I beg to differ. Tonight is not a man’s best chance to get laid. I’d argue if guys go out on Valentine’s Day to bars hosting Anti-Cupid parties, that’s their best chance to get laid. Trust me – I’ve been to those parties and seen the worst we women have to offer (sorry – I wasn’t one of the women putting out …)

  31. I’m going as you this year. I’ve been working on my abs for at least two days to prepare.

  32. when you’re a slutty slut everyday, you call tonight “amateur night”. yawn.

  33. Cheers to my costume: “Stay-at-Home Slut”!

  34. ….and a rolled up sock.

  35. You are definitely right. Tonight’s the night to try for a threesome.

    My advice: it’s a good idea to have some remote idea what’s underneath the costume before you take someone home. Halloweeny is the night when more than a few horror stories are born.

  36. …. oh ya… and I nominated you on the “She’s a beaut” post.

  37. Angel. Not slutty. Not even original. And about as far from Hipster Quirky as you can get. I’m owning it.

  38. I was the queen of slutty costumes for a while, as embarrassing as that is to admit. One time I even dressed as a whore. Don’t ask me what I was thinking – the amount of booze I had had addled my brain.

  39. Obviously I’ve been going to all the wrong parties.


  40. I went Trick or Treating as a prostitute once (junior high). I told my parents I was a “Movie Star.”

    I hope my mom doesn’t read your blog, Chris. I’m so ashamed.

  41. longredcape

    The advice at the end of this post is golden. God, I wish more men would remember that.

  42. longredcape

    Oh and I totally did the same thing Mermanda did, only I called myself a “rock star.” I wore a leopard print denim outfit and a wig.

  43. Halloween is the night for women to bring out their inner sluts and get away with it.

    I’m going to be a slutty cockroach.

  44. you are so right. there are no inhibitions on halloween.

    not slutty, but sarah palin definitely has quite the effect on the dudes as witnessed last night.

  45. The sad thing about this post is that it’s 100% true.

  46. Oh my god. You made me die a little inside from laughing. This may possibly be your most truthful and funniest post ever.

    Happy Halloween from a sexy skeleton!

  47. I hope to meet Slutty Definitely Going to Put Out girl.

    What kind of costume is that you say?

    I say awesome.

  48. That’s why I host the party. Bedroom so much closer.

  49. Slutty sluts & slutty chalkboards made my day. hilarious.

  50. I’m going to be a slutty ghost.

  51. Slutty sluts! A shout out!

    I will scare your soldier straight.

    (hahahaaaaa… get it? sigh.)


    Happy Hollow-weiner, Chris!

  52. oh to be slutty or single, haha.

    happy halloweeeen!

  53. I was totally planning on being a slutty chalkboard today. Thanks for taking all the surprise out of my costume.

  54. you know… I always get too drunk to hook up with anyone. it’s sad.

  55. see, I wish I was fun like that. I hate halloween and I don’t think I’ve EVER dressed up, as in “in my entire life”…

  56. I almost wrote a post last night titled “happy slutty sluts day,” haha.

  57. Jon

    I miss the Halloween show your boobs frat parties

  58. myr

    slutty chalkboards! This is why I read your blog!

  59. myr

    ps my university has ”lingerai” parties. Guys show up on boxers and the girls…well…I’ll leave that to your imagination

  60. True story…let a guy make out with me on Halloween because he tickled me. He didn’t have to even DO anything. Also, I was dressed as (we can debate on the level of sluttiness) Twitter. heh

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