Yesterday Ari and I went shopping for shoes because somehow when I got back from Mexico, the bottoms of my favorite shoes fell off.  I think it was their way of rebelling against things like civilization and work.

We went to several different places before she finally found a pair of boots that she liked and I found a new pair of shoes to replace my rebellious ones, and as we waited on line to pay for them, something odd happened.

I will forever remember that moment as, The Moment When That Odd Thing Happened.

I was talking to Ari about how my new shoes will impact my personality (probably increasing my coolness by 17%) when the woman who sold me my shoes said to the cashier, “These are for the husband.”



I’ve never been called that before.  It sent shock-waves up and down my spine and maybe made my hands start sweating.

To Ari’s credit, as soon as it happened, she knew she had A Situation on her hands, and looked for signs of shock.

I turned to her and stammered, “Did she just call me a husband???  I don’t know how I feel about that.  I think I’m getting cold feet!”  Of course I was acting like my usual overreacting-self, so Ari took it all in stride and eventually calmed me down.  But it was quite the scene.

I know I’m not even married yet, but for intents and purposes, I am a “husband.”  I just haven’t done the formalities, like dancing to The Hokey Pokey and pretending not to cry when Wind Beneath My Wings comes on.

Hearing someone refer to me this way touched me in a very real and profound way.  It made me start thinking about relationships, and how they can be like the sweetest flower, growing and blossoming into something so beautiful that they are appreciated for a lifetime.

Or maybe it just made me feel old.


Filed under Uncategorized

49 responses to “identity

  1. Just wait until somebody says “this is for the father.”

    That shit will really freak your freak.

  2. Oh, you are very sweet. I sometimes call Steve my husband even though he’s not. I do it when someone proper has something I want and I say something like, “My HUUUUUUUUUUUSBAND something something.” Because married people are superior.

  3. Matt

    “touched me in a very real and profound way”

    Very deep talk for a Monday.

  4. Awww, listen to you. You’re the emotional equivalent of a small, cellophane-wrapped snack cake: an interior of pure goo.

  5. DDG

    Just keep in mind that as long as you DON’T play ‘From this moment on’ by Shania Twain at your wedding, you will never qualify as old or corny or boring.

    Given your taste in music, I think you’re good.

  6. It’s true. People take you more seriously. Like the cable people have no problem with me using his ssn to make changes on the account. The power is well, obviously, it’s unbelievable.

  7. holy shit! i just freaked out for you! but i think we suffer from the same arrested development. my feets be damn cold.

  8. Aw, our little boy is growing up!

  9. ken

    dude, that’s the FUN stuff.

    wait until you look over your shoulder and tell folks on your way out the door, “i’m going home to fuck my wife.”

    there’s nothing quite like wife-fucking. well, maybe mother-fucking, but you can work up to that.

  10. It was a weird transition for me. It’s easy for me to say, “my husband” but it’s weird to hear me referred to as someone’s wife.

    It’s even worse when you’re someone’s MATRON of honor.

  11. i’m thinking it was more so about the being old part than the blossoming relationships.

    you get called husband, i get called ma’am like my 55 year old mother.

  12. You’re a husband, na na na na boo boo!

  13. deutlich

    I second what Alexa said.

  14. Jay Grochalski

    Don’t worry about it…as long as they keep carding you at the bar you’re not getting old.

  15. what a lucky woman to have you since you didn’t go screaming and hollering out of the store, foaming at the mouth.

  16. Maybe it was the shoes.

  17. I second what Chrissy said. Father will make you feel SO MUCH older.

  18. I’m in the same situation, dude. Except I actually have pretended to be the husband at times, like when dealing with the cable company. In other words, when there’s something in it for me.

  19. Ben

    I am proud to have both posted about Bette Midler today.

  20. Getting married is weird. I keep having panic attacks that I won’t be able to get my engagement ring off, and wherever we are we have to stop and find some lotion so I can take it off for a few minutes. And that’s just about the jewelry. We don’t even get married for a few more months.

  21. Did she say husband or esposo?

  22. Dude that’s weird and crazy. I’d be freaked out if someone called me a husband too. Wait..what?

  23. You scared me for a moment. I thought you were going soft and sappy!

  24. myr

    Men. jk.
    It’s similar to me having to refer to girlfriends as women and not girls anymore.

  25. At least she didn’t refer to you as “the poor sap”.

    She may have thought it but she didn’t say it. So, good for you!

  26. Jo

    Could have been worse. She could have called you ‘Dad’. That’s a whole other can of worms.

  27. You’re not old– you are an almost-husband! Hooray!

    She didn’t KNOW though… I hate when people assume…

  28. kristen – Yes, that is the fucking truth.

    melissa – I can’t wait to be superior and all that.

    matt – Is it because I’m getting old?

    aine – Like a Twinkie!

    ddg – Oh god – no way I play her music. If only for the reason that she has the flattest ass I’ve ever seen.

    kiala – Diabolical, even.

    gina – We can freak out together.

    yourgirlfriend – Scary stuff.

    stealth – Never!

    ken – Hahaha – it’s good to set goals.

    twink – Being a matron is never good.

    alexa – You’re probably right.

    dutchess – That’s a good way of putting it.

    deutlich – You just want to be cool.

    jay – Yes! Alcohol wins again!

    erikka – I know!

    ss – Hahaha – awww man.

    lauren – Well, hopefully that will be a long time from now.

    mickey – That’s a good policy to have.

    ben – We are either special or have something very wrong with us.

    maiden – Good luck, you are going to need it.

    arjewtino – I’m going to have to go back and ask.

    arielle – You should be.

    angela – No way, I am still immature as always.

    myr – I hate learning.

    lacochran – As long as she keeps it to herself.

    jo – And I would’ve had to say, “Not again!”

    jen – But I’m turning 30 next week. So that’s something to consider too.

  29. Ahahahahahahaaaaa!!

    So wonderful how people in public assume who you are. I’m married and lost zero cool points when I took the dive. I refuse! I am the freakin’ coolest dammit!!

    It’s true though…wait till “the father” comes and you will surely shit yourself.

  30. Whoa, what’s up with Ken? Yikes! Funny…but Yikes. So…when are you actually getting married! 🙂

  31. Aw just wait until it’s “dad”!

  32. OMG SHOES!

    What were you saying?

  33. longredcape

    While I was at a friend’s house with BE this weekend one of the people there was talking on the phone, and he said “Right now it’s just me, [friend], [friend], and [BE] and his girlfriend.” My eyes got really wide because we haven’t called each other “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” yet. I slowly looked in his direction and he seemed completely unfazed. SUCCESS!!

    (baby steps.)

  34. Why did she feel the need to distinguish the shoes between you two?

    did you get some women’s shoes? Obviously the man’s shoes are for the man.

    At least she didn’t say “these are for the kid toucher.”

  35. Would you prefer to be called her “old man?”

  36. Ditto Gwen, would you prefer “Old man”?

    Or “The Mister”?

  37. k8

    The “husband” makes it sound more final, don’t you think?

  38. Wow, talk about old. I hope Kiala isn’t lying and getting married really does come with some evil powers.

  39. at least she said “the husband” and not “the brother” right? that’d just be weird.

  40. kez

    Haha at least you got “spouse” status. I am 24 and married, but I look younger than I am…I get asked if I’m engaged because of my diamond and no-one wants to see the wedding band that sits right there with it…
    I shall forever be “engaged to be married” in the world’s eyes…or until I get all old and fug.

  41. Wow, look at you go. All emotional and shit.

  42. tia

    wow. you’re all serious-like today. it’s new, and different, and warm-fuzzy-inducing.

  43. It would have been funnier if she said “these are for him” all dismissive like. I would have said “these are for the boy” because I call all guys boys. That’s just my way.

  44. But “fiance” just sounds too pretentious, you know? (Remember that Seinfeld?)

    I couldn’t wait to be out of the fiance phase. “Husband” is so much more appealing, so much more I’m-a-big-boy-who-can-commit-and-now-the-only-way-out-of-this-leaves-me-destitute.

    What can I say, I’m a romantic.

  45. It’s the vocabulary that’s the worst isn’t it? I still say boyfriend, and I don’t think the fiance appreciates it. So not looking forward to the label Wife. Wife.

  46. rhodeygirltests

    i so thought you were going to write that Ari didn’t even bother opening up her wallet, or bringing a wallet hahahaha. I guess that’s what I do now that I’m engaged, and I don’t even mean to.

    I can’t wait to get married, bu I would get freaked out at being called the wife too.

  47. Red

    I was once assumed to be EG’s wife. It was kinda nice.

    On the other hand, this other guy I dated once referred to us at a party as “The [his last name]s”. That wasn’t nice at all.

    Also not nice at all is “Wind Beneath My Wings”. Do your own thing, Chris, but I wouldn’t want that anywhere _near_ any wedding of mine.

  48. At first, I wouldn’t refer to my husband as husband. We even had a conversation about the word “boyfriend” rolling off the tongue so much easier. He agreed with me because he’d rather me not bitch. I later starting saying Husband and I haven’t been able to stop since then. It does make me feel old when I’m out getting wildly drunk with my girlfriends though.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s