tell all the people

The wait is finally over.  Today we all get to vote and see who the next president of our Kinda Okay Country is going to be.

I already voted this morning, but if you haven’t, let me offer you some guidelines which I used to make my decision.

1) Vote for the candidate you’d like to bring to a party.  Think about if the guy you voted for called you up and was all, “Bro! Party tonight!”  At first you’d be excited, because well, the president just called you “bro.” But what if you showed up to the party, wearing your finest socks, only to find out that everyone at the party thought the president sucked?  No girls would want to talk to you and by the end of the night you’d be so upset for voting for the guy that you’d tell him, “Dude, I don’t even like your sweater.”  Even though you totally do.

2) Vote for the candidate that you think makes the best grilled cheese. This is self explanatory, but because I am An Educator, I will elaborate.  Everyone likes grilled cheese.  Everyone.  If you don’t, then please call your Mom and tell her you are a failure (if you haven’t already).  Since everyone likes grilled cheese, pretty much everyone can make it.  But only a handful of lucky souls – like me – are blessed with the talent to make it exceptionally well.  Now I ask you – would you rather eat an Okay Maybe That Was Good Grilled Cheese or a Damn Dude My Mind Just Exploded Grilled Cheese at 4:47 AM after drinking 32 beers?  Exactly.

3) Vote for the candidate that likes Bobby Brown’s classic from Ghostbuster’s 2, “On Our Own.”  I think we all know the reason for that.

Those three guidelines will lead you in the right direction, no doubt about it.  But if you’re still unsure, if you’re still one of those undecided voters, I will let you in on a secret. 

In times of great unceratinty, I turn to someone to show me the way.  When times are tough, and I think to myself, “Why am I so stupid?”  I know that if I just turn to this “seer” then he will show me the right way.

He is wise.

He is truthful.

He knows what you should do.

Educated voter.

Educated voter.


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59 responses to “tell all the people

  1. Ben

    A tiny bit of garlic powder in a grilled cheese is phenomenal. Let’s just say that Obama would be the tiny bit of garlic powder that America needs.

  2. Mmmm. Grilled cheese is what America is all about.

    God bless America. And grilled cheese.

  3. Why don’t we see this infamous grilled cheese on Ari’s blog?

  4. I need a grilled cheese sandwhich ASAP! AMEN!!

  5. I’m so upset that Bobby Brown guides all of your political decisions…LMAO

    But “On Our Own” was the jam! Bwahaha

  6. Matt

    People dont understand the relevance of Bobby but I do.

    I’m guessing Barack, probably at some point in his life ,has sang “Roni” to his wife.

  7. They make dogs that tell people how to vote now? What a time to be alive. When I was young, the only dogs we had were the ones that instructed people to kill.

  8. OMFG!!

    What is it with GRILLED CHEESE SAMMICHES!!

    I can make the hell out of a grilled cheese! I never heard of adding a tiny bit of garlic powder though, so I will have to try that out next time.

    That Bobby Brown song was the shit! Haaa!! Good times! Aren’t they remaking Ghost Busters?

  9. I make such an awesome grilled cheese sandwich one of my ex boyfriends gained 20 lbs from eating them over the course of a summer. Basically my grilled cheese rocks!

  10. Grilled cheese on challah…HOLLA!

  11. I’d vote for anyone who can make a great samich. Especially if he served beer with it.

  12. Did you ever seen King James as Bobby Brown? I’m totally voting for LeBron. I don’t care if he’s only 12.

  13. I think we all know that the secret to grilled cheese is in the cheese…and bread…and butter ratio. People overlook the butter…but no one likes charred grilled cheese.

    As for the cheese…are you going to share your knowledge, or does your talent transcend the cheese?

  14. I had a hard time reading past “grilled cheese” because I start salivating. Then I saw the picture of the educated voter and thought, “AWWWW Sooo cute!!!!” He really is though.

  15. I sent my SF absentee ballot in last month. Also, I sent Barack Obama an out-of-season-but-still-heartfelt Valentine. I hope he likes glitter.

  16. Jack is making a run for the white house in 2012. Also, you do make some awesome grilled cheese.

  17. My mom doesn’t take my calls anymore since I already told her she was a failure. Thanks for reminding me.

    If these had been the criteria in my mind at the polling alley this morning, I’d have written in, “Apollo Creed.”

  18. i think your guidelines got bush elected. thanks.

  19. I always base my decision on who would have my back in a Columbian bar fight.

    And what is up with your poor poochies ears? I always thought it was just camera magic, but it seems to happen all the time. Is he a little loopy?

  20. Jo

    Today is the first time ever I wished I was american so I get to choose the person who gets to kick George Bush to the kerb.

    So when do they annouce the winner of this president thing anyway?

  21. Grilled cheese was the first thing I learned how to make on my own when I was a kid. I might have burned my hand on the stove, but damn it was tasty.

  22. deutlich

    That dog is just TOO DAMN CUTE!

  23. ben – That comment was beautiful.

    lacochran – I am saluting you. Wait. Not in that way.

    arielle – I don’t want to take all her readers away.

    ss – I admire your passion.

    countess – It definitely was. I bet you’re singing it right now, aren’t you?

    matt – Hahaha – +457 for that reference man.

    neurosis – Damn, those were some bad dogs.

    akilah – Yes and it makes me so angry I could die.

    jossie – I bet he is pissed that he’s not with you anymore. Biggest mistake of his life.

    lemmonex – I think that was a Biggie Smalls song. Unreleased, but still.

    evil – That’d make me vote twice.

    justin – BronBron with Chris Paul as VP.

    steph – I can’t give away my secrets, but it has something to do with being drunk.

    marie – I know. I love him.

    aine – Hahaha – I have a feeling he does.

    ari – With Bella as his VP! Thanks baby.

    gwen – Hahaha – You don’t know how much that means to me.

    gina – We are no longer friends.

    dutchess – Hahaha – No, his ears are just like that. Sometimes they both stand up, sometimes they’re both down, sometimes one is up and one is down. They have a mind of their own. But he is loopy.

    jo – Hopefully tonight, if not, by tomorrow.

    noelle – Pain is necessary for art. Oh snap, that was deep!

    deutlich – I know, he’s awesome.

    heather – Yes indeed.

  24. That’s pretty much the same advice I got from Dan Rather on Morning Joe today.

    You know what pisses me off? When you order a grilled cheese at a restaurant, and they don’t use butter on the bread. What is that?

  25. I’m going to vote for your dog and Barack, because it’s about the ears, baby!

  26. Jay Grochalski

    I’d vote for Hitler if he was down with B. Brown. but since Hitler is dead, I cast my vote this morning in a dank basement (i’m serious about this), hungover on wine, with a lady with one yellow tooth and no others taking down our names. I looked for her cauldren and black cat but i couldn’t find it

  27. Not looking at the news today. Just going on a bike ride and letting everyone else stress.

    Except the part about being up all night with anxiety.

    Anxiety=good karma.

  28. Well, since Jack and I agree, I think my candidate of choice (I can’t vote for him, sadly. Because I’m still not 18 and because I don’t live in the US) is the right one.

    I just hope the rest of America llistens to this “sensei” of wisdom.

  29. You know, if Jack could make grilled cheese, I would probably just vote for him. Work on that for the next election, okay?

  30. Fussy

    My dog told me to vote for Ross Perot. He’s not the sharpest tool in the shed….. (my dog, not Ross, he’s a genius.)

  31. I would vote for anyone Jack told me to. He’s obviously a pooch of style AND substance.

  32. k8

    Knowing that my president can make grilled cheese sandwiches would make me very, very happy. And somewhat contented actually. A person that can do simple things that people always like? What’s not to respect about that?

  33. You know Obama makes one damn fine grilled cheese.

    It’s written all over the guy.

  34. You are both too hot to handle and too cold to hold. You, you, you know it.

  35. Ben got to it before me – garlic salt makes the best Grilled Cheese.

    On another note, I wish you had posted this yesterday because unfortunately I voted before I read this and I was a complete wreck at the place having absolutely NO IDEA that I was supposed to base this off of party ability. I didn’t know what I was doing.

  36. nicoleantoinette

    Thank goodness I already knew these things, because I voted prior to reading your words of wisdom.

  37. I saw Bobby Brown in concert…two years ago. Yeah, I know you’re jealous. It was one of the highlights of my life.

  38. if boyz II men came out with a cd right now i would still buy it.

  39. OK. First you tell me you can take my name in thumb wrestling, and now you claim to make excellent grilled cheeses? YOU WANT TO BE ME. JUST ADMIT IT.

    I will make a grilled cheese that tastes so good you will forget your own name.

  40. rachel

    For those of us still eating meat, you can use the same gc analogy except, insert a burger.

  41. megan – That is a bad restaurant.

    greta – Do it! I bet Jack gets more votes than Nader.

    jay – I bet you have a curse over you now.

    melissa – I’ll be up all night too. Here’s to anxiousness!

    andy – Me too.

    stealth – Done and done.

    fussy – Well, at least he tried.

    dingo – Don’t let him hear you say that, he’s already got a big ego.

    k8 – Good point!

    kristen – For sure.

    pistols – D-d-dance!

    megkathleen – From now on, email me FIRST before making any decisions about anything. Wait – you wore brown shoes today didn’t you???

    nicole – Great minds think alike.

    felicia – Lucky bastard.

    alexa – I would too if it included all remixes of “Motown Philly.” RS would agree.

    mermanda – I am so ready to fight you.

    rachel – I think you need a cooking show.

  42. I’m getting a grilled cheese right now. Hopefully no crust. Hopefully it was made by Jimmy Carter

  43. Ok, but what if my mom is the one who doesn’t like the grilled cheese? What am I supposed to do with that one? Thank you for confirming what I’ve always suspected – she crazy!

  44. If only I had this advice when I went to the polls last week. It would’ve made my decision much much easier. I would’ve skipped over the Taxes, Women’s Rights, Abortion, Economy crap and gone right to the food.

  45. myr

    I wonder if Americans realize the entire world is watching their elections as if it were their own.

    It’s that important.

  46. HOORAY JACK!!!

    Happy Obama Day!

    We are having an Election Results party. With blue-state punch. And cupcakes of HOPE!

    I love Obama’s sweater. And I will always tell him!


  47. Wow, I could totally be president if people were basing it on who makes the best grilled cheese!

  48. Clearly you voted McCain. Way to give it away!

  49. I love your dog.

    I voted for the old guy. I think he’d be pretty fun at a party?

    Oh, and can I mail order one of your grilled cheese sandwiches?

  50. sid

    So Barack can make a great grilled cheese sandwich? Has he invited you over for lunch? Are you tight with Obama?

  51. tia

    i love grilled cheese, obama, and jack. in that order.

  52. parties and grilled cheese for everyone!

  53. Dude, I would absolutely take McCain to a party. We could load him up with beer and get him to tell us stories about Vietnam and shit. In fact, his wife’s family owns a beer distributor, so he could hook up the whole neighborhood!

    Besides, maybe he’d bring Palin along, and I bet she can get pretty wild.

  54. mmm grilled cheese.

    i voted for the white sox fan. no brainer.

  55. haha i voted 4 sum 1 who love to see the bears and bulls go at it!

    great guidelines

  56. nancypearlwannabe

    Maybe they should have held a grilled cheese cook-off?

    Eh, who am I kidding? McCain has never made a grilled cheese in his life.

  57. I think I deserve an extra shout out for my Facebook status being the inspiration for #3. Just sayin’.

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