The wait is finally over. Today we all get to vote and see who the next president of our Kinda Okay Country is going to be.
I already voted this morning, but if you haven’t, let me offer you some guidelines which I used to make my decision.
1) Vote for the candidate you’d like to bring to a party. Think about if the guy you voted for called you up and was all, “Bro! Party tonight!” At first you’d be excited, because well, the president just called you “bro.” But what if you showed up to the party, wearing your finest socks, only to find out that everyone at the party thought the president sucked? No girls would want to talk to you and by the end of the night you’d be so upset for voting for the guy that you’d tell him, “Dude, I don’t even like your sweater.” Even though you totally do.
2) Vote for the candidate that you think makes the best grilled cheese. This is self explanatory, but because I am An Educator, I will elaborate. Everyone likes grilled cheese. Everyone. If you don’t, then please call your Mom and tell her you are a failure (if you haven’t already). Since everyone likes grilled cheese, pretty much everyone can make it. But only a handful of lucky souls – like me – are blessed with the talent to make it exceptionally well. Now I ask you – would you rather eat an Okay Maybe That Was Good Grilled Cheese or a Damn Dude My Mind Just Exploded Grilled Cheese at 4:47 AM after drinking 32 beers? Exactly.
3) Vote for the candidate that likes Bobby Brown’s classic from Ghostbuster’s 2, “On Our Own.” I think we all know the reason for that.
Those three guidelines will lead you in the right direction, no doubt about it. But if you’re still unsure, if you’re still one of those undecided voters, I will let you in on a secret.
In times of great unceratinty, I turn to someone to show me the way. When times are tough, and I think to myself, “Why am I so stupid?” I know that if I just turn to this “seer” then he will show me the right way.
He is wise.
He is truthful.
He knows what you should do.