change is coming

Now that Obama has been elected president and Bush is hiding all the toilet paper in the White House in one last ditch effort to screw someone over, we can all get back to What Really Matters – like dudes who have long hair.

If you know a man who is over the age of twenty and has long hair, please do me and America a favor, and tell him to “fucking stop it.”

I don’t understand how grown men can walk around with long hair.  It never looks good.  Okay, aside from dudes with dreads because they probably smoke weed and as we all know, weed is really cool.

The worst part about men with long hair is that they all are in love with it.

They walk around swishing it side to side, and oh!  Isn’t it just so breezy out here today!  I think I should casually toss my flowing locks away from my face in an effort to see things better!

For all the maintenance and caressing these dudes do to their hair, it’s like they think they’re living in a shampoo commercial.  You see them getting ready for work by brushing their wavy hair as their hot girlfriend slides up and says, “Hope you have a good day.”  To which the Man Hair dude replies, “Hope? There’s no need for hope with hair like this.”  Then he whips his head around to show us all just how lovely life really is with hair like that.

It makes me sick.

The only man alive who can have long hair is Steven Seagal.  This is because Steven Seagal is better than all of us.

The sad thing is getting dudes to stop with the flowing hairdos is not going to be easy.

We can plead with them – we can tell them that they look like fucking idiots and ask them why they don’t just grow boobs too – but it will be a tough challenge.  It will require dedication and passion from all of us.

Can we ever envision a time, in this great country, when there will no longer be men who think long hair is okay?

All together now – yes we can.


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69 responses to “change is coming

  1. Ben

    So I shouldn’t rock the Beyoncé?

    How about the Macy Gray?

  2. Matt

    Back to this Steven Segal thing, eh?

    Yes we did.

  3. Wonder if Dubya’s people are going to pop off all the “O”‘s on the keyboards in the White House….

    WE DID IT!!!! HUZZAH!!!!

  4. Jebus, I think that guys with long hair have gender issues… that and I like to tug at it to see if it’s real. So that can’t be very helpful.

  5. When I met my husband he had long hair.
    We cut that shit right off.
    Oh yes we did.

  6. Oh, it would be so like Bush to hide all the toilet paper and then realize he still has to work on dismantling what’s left of the Democracy for two more months (and maybe want to take a poo every now and then.)

  7. pj

    how do you not mention fabio? greatest long male hair of all time. not that i notice that kind of thing.

  8. So now we can finally run with scissors? You know cause after we chop off a guy’s long hair we’ll need to run away.

  9. deutlich

    But long hair is hot!

    …ok, I couldn’t even say that with a straight face.

  10. Nothing beats a comb-over. Well, maybe long hair and bald on top. Nah, comb-over wins.

  11. Okay-who am I kidding? I can’t sum things up in two words-no matter how sexy those two words may be.

    Yeah..I think I’m good now.

  12. My best friend Duder has long hair. He is so fucking metal, it hurts.

  13. Yes we can! And I have to disagree: Steven Seagal needs to cut that fruity shit. Or lose some weight. Either way, he just doesn’t look like a dude who could kick my ass, but I guess that’s what makes him dangerous.

  14. You have exquisite timing! My boyfriend is thinking about growing out his hair, and I think that more than 3 inches on a guy is a serious no-no. I will sit him down and show this to him. I’m pretty sure “why don’t they just grow boobs too” will do it. Many thanks to you!

  15. And The Highlander. He can pull it off. Although, in the end there can be only one so he and Segal are gonna have to have some kind of smack down.

  16. longredcape

    BE has long(ish) hair, but I think he is exempt from this category because:

    1. He is growing it out for Locks of Love because his aunt has cancer.
    2. He doesn’t brush it.
    3. He covers it with a hat.

    So I guess he’s OK. Although I do kind of wish he could/would cut it.

  17. Have you really thought this through? Without dudes with long hair:
    *Mountain dew will go out of business
    *Camaro will go out of business
    *Long leather coats will go out of business
    *Reebok white leather hi-tops will go out of business
    *Def Leppard will go out of business…

    see a trend here? PEOPLE WILL LOSE THEIR JOBS! Won’t someone please think of the one-armed drummer????

  18. Sorry. No we can’t. It’s like a secret religion. Long hair guys are seriously married to that shit.

  19. i was watching the movie “shoot um up” with clive owen recently and he shot a guy in the back of the purely because he had a long pony tail. hilarious.

    go rent that movie!

  20. I’m so glad someone else hates this! I loathe men with long hair. It never looks good, EVER. And not even on SS!

    I also hate the long-ish hair. If at any point a man can tie it back (either in a half ponytail or a full ponytail), it’s time to cut it.

  21. My senior year I lived in an apt where I would frat house my TP, smuggling it from under my bed to the bathroom, just b/c she refused to buy it. I once did this for 2 straight weeks.

    When I moved out, I found that she had literally 9 rolls hidden in the bottom of our coat closet.

    I stole them.

    Who won that battle?

  22. Long hair on guys is gross. It never looks good on any guy. I can’t even think of one guy to name that it did look good on.

  23. If a guys hair gets past his neck just a tad and he puts it in a ponytail…I find it sexy as hell! A SHORT ponytail is hot!

    The ‘wind blowing in my tresses as I run through green pastures’ is just not cool. Not happening, not happening at all.

  24. I agree . . . WE CAN! But we have to come together: Guys, you need to tell them they will get laid if they cut that shit. Gals, we need to stop getting drunk and sleeping with them because alcohol made The Hair seem cool. We can!

  25. The only thing worse than a dude with long hair…is a dude with long hair tied up in a scrunchi. If you have to pull it back, it has to go. Like, now.

  26. Ef Steven Segal, what about “The Dude”?

  27. ben – Oh Ben, you know you can rock anything.

    matt – He is always relevant!

    dmb5 – Hahaha – “Bama” is such a Maryland thing! I love calling people that.

    kat – But maybe they’re into that kind of thing?

    kristen – Just like you should have.

    noelle – I was going to make a tag for this post that said basically the same thing, so thanks for putting it out there.

    pj – Button your shirt up! I see you!

    marie – Whatever it takes.

    deutlich – Exactly.

    heather – Johnny is overrated. Best movie? Ed Scissorhands.

    jendy – Hmmm…. That is a tough call, but I think I agree.

    dan – Well then it is okay.

    mickey – That’s exactly it.

    molly – I may have saved your relationship.

    kiala – Oh man, that would be too awesome for words.

    longred – See? You still wish it was short.

    whiskey – Hahaha – you present quite the argument. You should be a lawyer. Unless you already are…

    megan – Don’t give up! I need you – especially in such a strong Man Hair location as Portland!

    alexa – Say no more!

    twink – Ridiculous.

    stealth – Hahaha – you are awesome.

    tiff – Seagal?

    akilah – You are on your own on that one.

    gwen – Hahaha – the women have to hold up their end of that deal.

    sara – If they have a scrunchi then there is no hope.

    ballerina – Damn! You are right! Okay – The Dude gets a pass. I can’t believe I didn’t think of him.

  28. I agree with this, but I do appreciate celebrities who have long hair so we can make fun and dress up like them for halloween (ahem… in my case, bret michaels). Also, my brother has long hair and he looks You have to admit, that is pretty awesome.

  29. I like balding dude with long hair. WORK IT!

  30. You should be happy to have guys with long hair populating the world. Because it means that many fewer guys in the dating pool. Imagine if they all cleaned up their acts. Then you’d have competition. And that looks uglier than a pack of guys with long hair.

  31. I have only seen one dude in my life with long hair that was all shiney and super model-ish. It frightened me more than you will ever know.

  32. Far

    lol…Ok i totally agree like seriously WHO told these men they look hot with this long hair?? someone has OBVIOUSLY been lying to them!!

  33. Ready – Dave had long hair for years. We started dating when he was 27, he had long hair until 26. GROSS. I told him if he ever tried to grow it out again I would leave. Hah.

  34. Red

    I saw a guy in line to vote yesterday who had a full beard and a long, iron grey ponytail. I envisioned just taking a scissor to it. It would have looked a lot better, though looking good is but a memory for this dude, if it ever even happened.

    An actor friend of mine has almost shoulder length strawberry blond hair, and it actually works pretty well. But he’s an exception. Short should be the rule.

  35. one of my ex’s thought it was a good idea to grow his hair past his shoulders. barf city. i finally got him to cut it, but it wasn’t soon enough. hence he is an ex.

  36. tia

    don’t know if i can agree with you on this one. not wholeheartedly anyway.

    halfway down your back? too long. brushing your shoulders? potentially acceptable.

  37. YES WE DID! What a great day today is.
    If I see a guy with long hair I may just punch him because I can.

  38. Wow… I just don’t know where to start here. Seems like you’re painting with a pretty broad brush. As a guy with shoulder-length hair, I just gotta say that I get positive comments on it all the time. People tell me they love it. People tell me that they wish they could grow their hair long but work or baldness or texture prevents them from doing so. I’m tall and thin and if I cut my hair I look like a mushroom. I don’t brush it constantly. I don’t strike a pose and let it fly in the wind. I don’t preen, primp, or otherwise call attention to it. My Native American ancestors pretty much all wore their hair long. Regarding any sort of gender confusion, it’s really only been in the past couple of hundred years that men, as a rule, didn’t either have long hair or use wigs to try to make it seem that they did. I wonder if you have such virulent opinions on beards, tans, colored contacts or other choices people make about they way they look.

  39. k8

    Do you know how many men in AA have mullets? And I go in public with these people because I love them. And they’re never going to cut it. Never.

    The shame.

  40. We could cut their hair while they’re sleeping.

    I don’t like guys who have longer hair than mine. It makes me jealous because my hair refuses to grow. I don’t need him flaunting it in my face. Also, I’d be tempted to play with it. Men, if you don’t like bows in your hair, don’t have hair long enough to hold em!

  41. In an Obamanation, men have the right to have long hair, Chris.

    They also have the right not to get any tail.

    I’m just sayin’…

    Democracy rocks!


  42. Long hair on the male sex (regardless of age) is horrible. I think all these nutty celebrities w/ kids w/ long hair are making their boys look like girls. Sarah Jessica Parker, Kate Hudson, Cindy Crawford and the worst of all Celine Dion. Her kid looks like he had a fight w/ the femmy fairy and lost.

  43. There goes my Master Plan to Grow My Hair Out.

    Thanks, Chris.

  44. Long hair is gross, unless you are Bret Michaels.

  45. beth – So he has a costume every year, yes, pretty damn cool.

    melissa – You’re such a pervert.

    nilsa – You are clearly smarter than me.

    bloodred – I hope you recover eventually. My thoughts are with you and your loved ones.

    far – Right – someone out there is doing the wrong thing.

    lacey – Hahaha – very nicely done.

    red – There are very few who can rock it.

    sarah – Hahaha – poor guy, should’ve known better.

    tia – I knew you’d go for that rocker look.

    alleged – Hahaha – I really hope you do.

    gilahi – I do have opinions on all of those! I have opinions on everything. I had to look up “virulent” though, so I don’t have an opinion on that.

    k8 – It’s just too bad.

    jenn – You’re a sit-by bower! That was dumb.

    jen – Tail should always come before pony tail.

    kellie – I totally agree.

    arjewtino – I can’t believe I crushed your dream. I hate myself.

    lbluca – Bret can do whatever he wants, especially since he’s a Steelers fan.

  46. I don’t like long hair on guys unless it looks like Jesus’ hair. His hair was awesome.

  47. Pants

    I dated a guy who had long hair…he was swishy as fuck when he walked around. Like he was a goddamned 1980s Pantene commercial instead of a 34 year old man living in 2008. YUCK.

  48. i think it is our duty to cut the hair of every long haired man in the US.

  49. I saw a man with a bob haircut and BANGS last weekend at the bank. He looked like Maude Lebowski.

  50. As a pre-teen, teenager, and college girl (through the mid-80’s and into the earliest 90’s) oh how I swooned for a guy with long locks!
    (see): a 1987 lusting after Sebastian Bach,
    and three college boyfriends 😉
    But now? When it is men in their forties and above with long, scraggly hair hanging limp?
    To each his own; no saying he likes my chosen hairstyle either-
    but it looks kind of icky and sloppy to me.

  51. what about long arm hair?

  52. slash still looks cool and he’s 43

  53. But without long hair guys who is going to play the leather-jacket-wearing, motorcycle riding bad boy in teen shows???

  54. I say, long hair is tolerable. But, what about Camel Toes? They should be illegal. Said person should be charged with, Failure to comply with the natural form of vaginal lips and purposely manipulating and torturing said areas.

    If there has to be change… Come and see me for the rest of my sighting on Camel Toes…

  55. Long hair instantly makes my shirt come off. Sorry 😦 I’m not with you on this one.

  56. No. Not even Steven Seagal can have long hair.

  57. ken

    as a long haired dude from way back, i have to protest. though i do not wear the locks as i used to, i have to say that i’m actually GLAD long hair is out of style.

    that was the whole point of long hair in the first place–pissing off the establishment. then suddenly long hair was mainstream (right around the time grunge hit in the early 90s). in fact, the same thing is happening now with tattoos–fucking EVERYBODY has one. how alternative is that?? plus it’s a lot easier to cut your hair than have a tattoo removed.

  58. I hate Steven Seagal with the heat of a thousand suns.

    I’m not kidding – a THOUSAND.

  59. Hahahah… My physics-chemistry teacher used to have mid-back-long hair. And then he cut it.

    He said his wife made him.

    I still think he looked hot with his long pony tail.

  60. I LOVE me some scruff/shagginess. But no “long.” Good call.

  61. angela – His hair was his strength.

    pants – Hahaha – You’re better off now.

    julie – Yes we can!

    hollywood – Wow. I wish you had a picture of that.

    karen – There comes a point when it should stop.

    rs – Totally acceptable. Same with long nose and ear hair.

    jay – Ok, add Slash and Axl to the list of acceptable.

    narm – Things would not be the same, that’s for sure.

    duhn – Hahaha – I agree.

    greta – Any dudes with long hair read that??? Go to her blog right now dammit!!!

    megkathleen – Blasphemy!

    ken – Very true. Ink is not very special at all, and grunge definitely made long hair ok, which kind of defeats the purpose.

    mindy – Friendship is over.

    andy – You should tell him that – maybe you’ll get a good grade without having to do anything.

    emma – There must be rules!

  62. KT

    I hate guys with long hair!!! They always seem to take more time and use more products than I do! That’s just not right.

  63. we should probably pass this message along to parents of sons with long hair too because that is just mean.

  64. kez

    Hmm you’re not an admirer of Fabio?
    Even he can’t believe it’s not butter and he should know! (huh?)

  65. I know a guy with long hair and ALL the ladies seem to dig it. Even the ones who say they hate long hair. Hypocrites. But I don’t get it. I’m not down with a guy who has longer silkier, more beautiful hair than me.

  66. Ugh. Long hair = creepy.
    Unless you are playing a lute. Then it is appropriate.

  67. …My dad has a mullet. Is that considered “long hair” or just a poor choice and a lack of style?

  68. I had a professor (well several, now that i think of it) with a ponytail. A really long ponytail. And he was bald on top. And it was really frizzy, as if the ponytail never came undone, not even in the shower…

    He also smelled funny.

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