consumed by movement

Sometimes in life, events happen that affect me in such a deep way that I can’t think of anything else.  

One such moment was the first time I saw a friend of mine break something just for the sake of breaking it. This is just a rough estimate, but after that happened, I’m going to say I spent about three solid years of my life smashing things just because I could.  I also think this was the first time my Mom entertained the idea of having to visit me in jail.  I was a special child.

Another moment, one that is about on the level of throwing Tonka trucks out of my bedroom window, and one that is reoccurring, is the dreaded eye twitch.

When my eye twitches, it consumes my every thought.  

A friend could be asking me to murder his girlfriend because she stopped buying mac and cheese, and all I can think is, “Stop looking at my eye!  Stop it!  I know it’s twitching but I can’t help it, okay??? I’m not a freak – I swear!”

All day long, every time my eyelid moves all crazy like, I think about it, and in turn, I start thinking about my life and the decisions I make.

First I think about my diet. Maybe I should eat less carbs?  Yes.  That sandwich I have planned at lunch?  In the trash!  That will stop my Eye Sickness.

Then I start thinking that maybe it’s because of a lack of sleep.  Tonight I will sleep for 17 hours straight, only waking up once to look in the mirror and examine my defective eye.  And also maybe to pee on the toilet seat.

Finally, true panic sets in as I realize nothing can stop the rampant, sporadic twitching of my eye.  So I just think and think and think about it.

When it eventually does pass, I feel like I’ve beat something truly catastrophic, and start to relax a little bit. Of course then I freak out because I threw my tuna on wheat in the trash, right next to someones not-so-fresh looking sushi roll.

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58 Comments

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58 responses to “consumed by movement

  1. nancypearlwannabe

    Do you have a receipt? You could probably return your broken eye to your Mom if you do.

  2. Oh how I hate the eye twitch!

    I’m always nervous that the rest of my body is going to join in and I’ll be reduced to a quivering heap of goo.

    Some people tell me that I catastrophize sometimes…

  3. deutlich

    eye twitch? you must be a terrorist.

  4. Matt

    Ask a co-worker to punch you in the eye…

    that should help it stop.

  5. I have one of those…lol…I think I’m pretty normal, most days.

  6. Listen to me, okay, Chris? I know we’ve had our differences in the past… what with the thumb wrestling and grilled cheese incidents, but I’m here for you.

    EAT A BANANA!

    It’s true. The only thing I remember from 9th grade biology is that your eye twitches because you don’t have enough “ATP” whatever the hell that means. If you eat a banana, it should magically stop twitching.

    I swear!

  7. Mermanda is right – it’s your body’s reaction to a lack of potassium. Eat a banana or potato chips. I’d choose chips.

  8. I tend to get all eye-twitchy when I’m stressed and it can last for hours. It slowly drives me insane. My assistant spends his life staring at it and making me feel all crazy like and self conscious about it.

    I’m sure this is why I don’t have a boyfriend…they are all afraid of the twitching eye.

  9. jay grochalski

    it’s stress, dude. my eye twitches off an on at work as i deal with the public and answer the same questions every single day, every single hour. it twitches when the bills come in, and when my wife and i balance the check book. the only week my eye didn’t twitch this year was on vacation.

  10. Eye twitching is awful.
    “I’m Chiquita banana and I’ve come to say – stop the eye twitch eat a Banana today!”

    Much better jingle.

  11. Bananas or potato chips stop eye twitching?!

    Once in awhile my eye twitches as well, or I get a strange muscle twitch in my arm. Good to know.

    Sorry about your bionic eye man. I’ll send ya’ some Pringles…STAT!!

  12. TonkaTonkaTonkaTonkaTonka. It’s fun to say. I think that’s what Mike Myers was saying as Dr. Evil when he went to hug his son.

  13. I can’t stop laughing.

  14. You could get someone to punch you in the face, or you can just get some B vitamins, after three days or so, they stop my eye twitches. And they make my pee florescent to boot! So, basically, it’s win-win.

  15. I hate the twitchy eye too, unfortunately, I have small eyes and it ends up looking like i’m blinking or twitching.

  16. Meghan

    It is a lack of potassium, but instead of getting a banana (or a multi vitamin which you should be taking anyway), you should just get an eye patch and put it on when the crazy eye starts to act up. That way, no one will know that your eye is twitching and you will look REALLY cool.

  17. Noooooooooo not the dreaded eye twitch, now it’s going to come for me, sort of The Ring style.

  18. How dare you throw Tonka trucks out the window?? Those things should be cherished!

  19. that’s a lot of fish in your trash can.

  20. I have never had an eye twitch. I win.

  21. Lemmonex, I totally call bullshit.

  22. Well I guess I’m late to the potassium party. Also, my mom recommends calcium for everything. I think calcium fixes your 401k.

  23. Pretend your a pirate and put on one of those black eye patches. Trust me, you’ll look cool.

  24. Know what I heard helps eye-twitches?

    Breaking stuff.

  25. The first time I bought the Buffy game for Xbox, I played it for a month straight eight to twenty hours a day at a time.

    That’s when I first started to notice the eye twitch.

  26. 1st, please don’t pee on the toilet seat. It’s not OK. And 2nd, I bet your eye is still twitching b/c of how hyped up you got on election day. I’m surprised that you didn’t bust a blood vessel. You’re lucky that you escaped with just a twitch. I saw you on twitter. Anyhow, I’m guessing that it’s gonna take a while for that stress to leave your body.

  27. k8

    Stress makes my eyeball do that. And then I get even more stressed out about the twitch. It’s a dirty, dirty cycle of sickness.

  28. At least it’s not a wonky eye.

  29. Red

    If the abs pictured were actually yours, by all means moderate the carbs, but I doubt you’re eating too many of them.

    If you actually pee on the seat in the middle of the night, I don’t envy Ari no matter how cut you are.

  30. nancy – Let me check my imaginary file cabinet.

    kristen – But at least you’d be a hot pile of goo, right?

    deutlich – But I’m white silly, I can’t be a terrorist!

    matt – Good idea.

    duhn – But maybe you’re really not!

    mermanda – Really? Okay, duly noted. Thank you blog world gods!

    gwen – Chips? Even better. If I get fat then I’m blaming it on an eye twitch.

    jossie – Tell the guys that you’re really just winking at them. You know, about sex.

    jay – Time to retire.

    shaba – Please post a video of you singing that.

    akilah – Thanks!

    lacochran – I think you’re right.

    janet – I try my best.

    noelle – Thank you for telling me about your pee.

    kat – We can’t all be normal all the time I guess.

    meghan – That is a much more fun solution than eating a banana.

    dutchess – Yup, you’re screwed.

    bloodred – I had issues as a child. Still do, only now I drink to quiet them.

    gina – That’s true. Kinda gross.

    lemmonex – Really??? Are you Wonder Woman? C’mon, tell me the truth.

    megan – It does? Shit – I’m about to drink four gallons of milk in a row.

    marie – And don’t forget sexy!

    narm – I like the way you think.

    kiala – But you kept playing anyway, right?

    hbee – I totally was geeked up on twitter, I think you got it.

    k8 – Life is not fun.

    alleged – That’s true.

    red – It was me, so I guess you’re right, I don’t really need to watch the carbs. And I do sometimes, but it’s in the middle of the night! And I always clean it up!!

  31. pj

    Eye patch is the way to go. That’s how I met my wife. Long story though, chicks dig the eye patch.

  32. Sounds like me a few weeks ago. Consumed with dread about my eye, anyway…

  33. Dude, you sound a little….stressed. Ya think that might have something to do with the twitch? Just sayin’.

    LOL!!

  34. Far

    LOL seriously you are one amusing fellow!

    haha i second the eye patch idea 😉

  35. Try Zanex… seriously, better living through chemistry.

  36. Dear Chris’ eye,

    Thank you for turning to your friendly neighborhood neurology editor. As Dr. JenBun, I am here to tell you that it is very common and is indeed caused by a lack of sleep and/or stress.

    Take 2 six-packs and call me in the morning.

    Love, The Bun

    😀

  37. How do you ever deal with hiccups?!

  38. I hate twitches! My eye goes all spastic when I don’t get enough sleep. I thought it was anaerobic resperation, like charlie horses, but I guess not. Banana chips it is!

  39. You would be a great villain for Die Hard 72: The Eyes have it.

    see what I did there?

  40. It is all-consuming, despite the fact that no one else can see the twitching. Sure, it feels like your whole face must be deformed like Sloth from the Goonies having a siezure, but really no one notices.

  41. My eye twitches all the time too! I think it’s because I get too stressed…and whenever it happens I, like you, don’t want anybody to look at me so I hide in the bathroom til it stops. Or I hide under my desk.

  42. And BK Knights, dude? I should be so lucky.

  43. I’ve got the same problem and it sounds like we are not alone! Mine is always my right eye. Why does it do that constantly? It is SO annoying and I feel like EVERYONE is staring at it.

  44. who the heck throws away sushi? idiots.

  45. Jo

    I had a pulsing twitch in my eye for like a week once. People said they couldn’t notice, but they were probably lying.

  46. pj – I think you should share your secret with single dudes everywhere.

    kevin – And now??? Well, I guess you’re still alive.

    evil – You might be on to something. Blogging can be quite stressful.

    far – So you’re saying it’s sexy, right?

    sara – Words to live by.

    jen – I wish all my dr’s gave that as the answer.

    stealth – Kill people.

    heather – Woo hoo!

    rs – I think so.

    mickey – Sloth loves Chunk! And I know, I wasn’t lucky enough to have them either.

    megkathleen – Good strategy.

    kellie – They are!!!

    maxie – I agree.

    jo – They definitely were.

  47. My eye twitches too. Oh thank god I am not alone. Maybe we should form a club.

  48. I have never laughed so hard over a blog in my whole life, I “feel” your pain especially after too many mochas 🙂

  49. Eye twitch is less weird than lazy eye. I never knew which of Biggie’s eyes to look into when we were talking. Which we did. All the time. Because I’m down as hell.

  50. you threw your trucks out the window? haha, yes you really were a special child.

  51. kez

    Haha nice obsession you’ve got there.
    Mine is when I’m hungry. Nothing else exists until I have food.

  52. once i had an eye twitch for two months straight. i swear to god. it was disturbing. it went away on – get this – Christmas Day. THANKS SANTA!

  53. tia

    the worst eye twitch is the one that you can’t SEE, but you can feel.

    i hate that.

  54. I like my eye twitch. Tells me I’m thinking.

  55. ebony

    my eye twitches like crazy
    and all through reading that

    and i just ate a banana!!!

  56. do you do what I do and try to get everyone to see your eye twitch and you are like…wait wait look now did you see it? and they never do and you insist that they see it and it consumes the whole conversation until they finally walk away frustrated and annoyed…yeah me too…

  57. I always think of Brad Pitt in 12 monkeys when people eye twitch… great movie

  58. ken

    take a cyclobenzaprine (carisoprodol, metaxalone, or methocarbamol may also be used) tablet, triturate and dissolve in approximately 10ml sterile h2o, filter, and place in eyedropper.

    administer drop in affected eye.

    profit!

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