press play

Last night, while I was watching basketball and trying to convince my dog that my hand was not a chew toy, a commercial came on for a video game that can be controlled entirely by your voice.

Perfect.

That’s just what all the geeks need.  Now, instead of just sitting on their parent’s couch playing video games for six hours straight, they can yell commands the entire time too.  That will really help them with speaking to a woman other than their mom.

Video game companies need to stop this madness.  How about developing a game that will actually help all those dudes out there who would rather defeat the evil warlord than talk to a woman?

I think a video game that dealt with real dating situations would be helpful to these guys.

Imagine the possibilities:

Level 1: Getting the number of an attractive female

The player must navigate a world in which one mention of living in his parent’s house means immediate doom.  Also, talking about any hobby that involves “collecting” is strictly prohibited and will result in the woman telling the player “Actually, I have a boyfriend” even though she doesn’t.

Level 2: The First Date

The player must take the woman to a dining location that does not involve super sizing anything.  Bonus points are available if the player manages to get the woman to laugh with him and not at him.

Level 3: Sealing The Deal

The player must somehow convince the woman that he lives on his own but she cannot actually see his place.  Acceptable excuses include: “I’m getting it painted right now” and “I’m having solar panels put in because the Earth is important or something” but not “I’m a failure and live with my parents and man do I hate doing chores.”  If the player makes it to her place and gets the woman to remove at least one article of clothing (coat does not count) then the player wins.

I think this game is needed way more than one that lets a dude yell out war commands to direct his army.

Maybe if the guys are lucky the next version will include something about getting out of their parent’s house and taking the heating pad out of their car.

(If you want to read some crap about me, then please head over to Cleveland’s A Plum, where I am the Featured Blogger today.  It’s my first interview!  Suck it Brad Pitt.)

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53 Comments

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53 responses to “press play

  1. If we’re both going to link to Alexa on the same day without discussing it first, we’re going to give her an inflated ego.

  2. Can they make a voice activated three year old? I would totally buy it because the three year olds they make now are impossible to control.

  3. I am a video game nerd but being a female I am wise in the ways of getting a guy to take his clothes off. However, my ex-hubby didn’t realize that spending more time with a game than your wife isn’t cool…thus the divorce and no sex for like 4 months. I realize that I am truly evil for doing this. But whatever.

  4. *Bonus points will also be given for making absolutely no references whatsoever to Star Wars/Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Lord of the Rings or any first-person shooter video games.
    *The game will sense t-shirts with retarded sayings like “Your Mom thinks I’m hot” or “Bikini inspector”. Points will be added or subtracted accordingly.
    *Any talk of health ailments and the game will self-destruct.
    *Like Wii, this will be motion-activated a s well, and any attempts to pick at anything on the face or scalp will result in the player being electrocuted.

    This sounds great! What, pray tell, is this game called?

  5. Before you know it, Mystery the player maven on VH1 will be selling this exact thing.

  6. deutlich

    I’ll pretend like I didn’t have an involuntary reaction upon reading you-know-who’s name when I perused Alexa’s featured blogger post.

  7. Great idea for a game. I think I might need a go at it too, I’m that out of practice when it comes to dating!!!

  8. Pam

    I would totally buy this game for my brother and his little friends. (except my brother finally got out of my parents house and moved in with me – beside the point).

  9. I always said that there should be a video game where you navigate New York City. Level 1 is navigating Times Square without getting hit by tourists. Level 2 is taking public transportation from the Bronx to Battery Park during rush hour. Level 3 is buying fake bags on Canal St without getting caught. I think this is a goldmine. This comment wasn’t really related to your post, but whatever.

  10. Waitaminute! IT HAS VOICE COMMANDS?!? that’s awesome!

    Oh, wait, if the article of clothing is a sock, does he still win?

  11. “Also, talking about any hobby that involves “collecting” is strictly prohibited…”

    Damn! I’ve got a “collection” of Force FX Lightsabers. Please tell me I’m still cool! Please!! Anyone?

    *crickets*

  12. What if his hobby is something like collecting hos and hunnerd dollah billz? Can there be bonus points for goin’ all gangsta while yo thinkin’ on yo feet?

    Le sigh. It’s been a long week.

  13. Hm. Beauty and the Geek: The Video Game. Will this be a Wii game, or would that be too intense?

  14. But what is the point of playing a video game you know you’ll never beat?

  15. Could you also invent a game to teach socially awkward people to not be so weird? I need to give it to some of my co-workers. A lot of them.

  16. Teresa

    The women of the world would bow down to you if you could truly invent this game!! I mean…more than they already do.

  17. Ben

    I dunno…voice operation games could work in dating-training.

    “DATE ME! DATE! DATE, I SAID! ACTIVATE SLUTTINESS! DRINK DRINK DRINK! REMOVE PANTS!!”

  18. NorthernPaladin

    Oh I dunno.

    Video games aren’t the problem. Getting guys to commit is the problem. I know plenty of single guys who do not own even one gaming system (a travesty!) but they are not and probably never will be married because apparently committing themselves to “just one girl” for the rest of their life is even more terrifying than facing down the Evil Overlords of Xartleblot VII.

  19. Ben just exactly described the night I lost my virginity.

    ‘Cept he forgot the “NOW GET OUT AND NEVER CALL ME AGAIN” part.

  20. Every guy needs to buy this game immediately.

  21. arjewtino – Dammit. Next time.

    kristen – If they do then they have to make a voice activated Eva Mendes for me. You know, so we can talk.

    jossie – 4 months??? Dear god that poor dude.

    whiskey – “Get a Life?”

    dutchess – I will punch his face in if he does. I hate that show.

    deutlich – Sorry, didn’t know there was a problem.

    paula – There will be a girl version too: Level 1: Tell a dude to have sex with you. You win!

    pam – I think he’d enjoy it still.

    arielle – Good idea! Another level: taking the train at 4 in the morning, completely sober, and not killing all the drunk people.

    kat – Yes, because he can suck on your toes.

    akilah – Sorry.

    aine – Hahaha – awesome.

    stealth – Way too intense for these guys. Baby steps.

    narm – You must have faith!

    marie – I’ll look into it, in the mean time, stay at your desk.

    teresa – They bow down to me? Really? How was I not informed of this???

    ben – Hahaha – And you just keep getting angrier and angrier.

    northern – That’s true, but most guys who play video games too much don’t have one girl to worry about.

    justin – Hey, at least you made it happen before she kicked you out.

    lbluca – Present company excluded right? Right???

  22. rachel

    I think this should go to every boy upon seeing their first pube.

  23. rachel

    their own…not someone else’s…

  24. Matt

    Finally a modern game that I could actually be competitive at.

  25. You should really look into making this game happen! If you could have it out by Valentine’s Day or like Prom that would be good for some of these guys.

  26. I might have admitted on Alexa’s blog that I thought you lived in Chicago for the longest time. I don’t want to rehash stuff here. But, I basically admitted I’m a dumb-ass. Do you think they have a video game to cure us?

  27. Chris, you could totally have this on the market by Christmas ’09.
    Also, I’m willing to volunteer myself for the female voiceovers, as this is a totally heroic endeavor.

  28. So basically you need to develop this game for the guy from The Pickup Artist. Unless you’re the Pickup Artist?

  29. I got nothing. Whiskeymarie already stole all my ideas. God, I want to be her.

  30. It’s perfect for people like me who were planning on yelling at the TV anyway.

  31. You’re an f’n genius I says.

  32. Genius – you’ve scheduled a meeting to pitch it at all the major video game companies right?

  33. The game could be called ‘Score’ and the commercial could feature a Harry Kalas voice over saying, “Think you can get some? Test your skills and see if you can score playing… The Score”.

  34. tia

    sometimes, i forget, just for one tiny second, how rad you are.

    and then you remind me.

  35. Holy shit – that is GENIUS.

    Seriously – you need to get a patent on that idea! Think of all the lives you would be helping. I know quite a few in my office that could benefit from that.

  36. i tell brad pitt to suck it too!

  37. deutlich

    There isn’t.

  38. This game would make me cry.

  39. What if it’s got a porn function and you can moan along with the movie? It’d be like a training of sorts.

  40. That game needs to be invented. Seriously.

    My roommate, who is definitely in his late twenties, sent me a text message while at work the other day asking for hints on how to get a girls number.

    Seriously. It’s not like he hasn’t had a date, he just hasn’t had one in a while. Now if he had that video game, he’d be set!

  41. i should totally play this game. I LOVE YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  42. Video games is the reason the majority of men on The Pickup Artist actually need to be on the show.

  43. You lost me at “video game.”

  44. what is up with all the Alexa love going around.

    I don’t like it.

    kidding! I ❤ alexa… i guess.

    anyway, you should definitely contact that mystery dude on VH1 so he can make a “pickup artist” game. I bet it would sell b/c video game dudes are losers.

  45. is this yelling game for the wii? because waving your arms around AND yelling…yeah probably not the best combo.

  46. kez

    Oh my gosh. A game like that could really help to treat the illness that is Social Retardedness.
    I would buy it for all the losers I know.
    ‘Cause I’m generous like that.

  47. Have you ever seen that hideous show, Keys to the VIP?
    It’s an actual competition for guys to pick up the most chicks… with supposed “playas” watching and providing witty commentary on close circuit TV.
    I would much prefer it to stay in video game realm.

  48. Collecting! Yes! Adults do not collect. Unless it’s the phone numbers of hot women, but that is also an unexceptable thing to say on a date.

  49. LMAO I think I’d play that game.

  50. Key element: all levels of the game must be completed WITHOUT text messaging.

  51. I was going to say something about Mystery, but holy cripes, you already have 50 comments over here.

  52. This? Would be a great success…I see an Empire of IRL games

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