the brighter side

I’m on record as saying that there is something dreadfully wrong with Jennifer Aniston, but recent events have caused some compassion inside of me for this poor woman.

I just read that she called out Angelina Jolie in a Vogue interview, saying “It was really uncool” what Jolie did behind her back with her ex-husband Brad Pitt.

Now, in the real world of you and I, saying something is “really uncool” is about as gangsta as pleated khakis. But in the parallel universe known as Famous People World, those words mean one thing: “You’s a hoe.”

Jennifer Aniston can call me a hoe, she can call Julia Roberts a hoe, she can even call Nancy Reagan a hoe (who hasn’t?), but she sure as hell cannot call Angelina Jolie a hoe. 

This is it for her.

I give Aniston three days to live.  No way Devil Woman sits back and lets Aniston call her out like this.  

Do you hear that?  That’s the sound of Jolie doing 567 push ups, cracking her knuckles, then practicing crane kicks on whichever of her brown kids she likes the least.

Aniston can try and take the “uncool” statement back, she can try and say that it really wasn’t nice for Jolie to bang her husband behind her back, which you know, it kind of wasn’t, but it’s all too late.

They are going to rumble and in the end Jolie is going to be the only one standing.  It will surely be a sad day for the entertainment industry, but on the positive side, you know what this means, right?  

Girl fight! 

I’m bringing my camera.

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69 Comments

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69 responses to “the brighter side

  1. Now that is some funny shit.
    The brown kid thing got me. Laugh out loud funny. And she so has several to choose from…

  2. Whatever happens, I remain on team Jolie!

  3. If you see Angelina please tell her to tell Brad that he owes me some child support.

    It’s like if the baby isn’t brown he doesn’t want it anymore.

    That woman has mind control powers!

  4. I actually think it’s very cool that Jennifer said it that way– she could have gone off, but she kept it classy.

    you’re uncool.

  5. nancypearlwannabe

    At least we’ll always have Friends to look back on and think, those were the days when she was still alive and sane.

  6. Jennifer in no way has lips like Jolie! I’m on Jolie’s side. Because of those lips. I’m a girl and I want to kiss her, how can a person blame Brad for doing so. Jennifer’s just jealous he got to her before she did….

  7. gabby

    totally funny! Your blog is my drug I can stay away.

  8. sorry… but i am on team aniston. always have been.

    angie and brad just dont match……

  9. Jennifer Aniston = Bitter

    Her best movie is what? Picture Perfect?

  10. she should have called her spade and just confirmed that the woman is a home wreckin whore. i think it’s funny that there are rumors about miss jolie being controlling about Brad and his new costar… she’s totally worried. and she should be. no matter who she is he’s a cheating dirtbag and he can’t be trusted. plus who can deal with all her oddities for that long? not me and probably not Brad.

  11. Ben

    That would be a TERRIBLE fight. Angelina would give her a stern look and then Aniston’s bowels would fall out of her insides.

    ENDGAME.

  12. longredcape

    I’ve been on Team Aniston from the get-go. I’m not okay with homewreckers.

    Except for Tori Spelling. I like her. She gets a free pass from me.

  13. Here’s what I’d do, were I Angelina: have more dirty, filthy sex with the man Jen probably still loves. That’s the best revenge.

    Ooh! Or have your publicist say, “Angelina would love to reply to Jen’s statement, but she’s too busy getting it on with Brad for hours with a frequency and flexibility that would blow your mind.”

  14. In Aniston’s defense – I’m guessing losing out on Brad Pitt is a lot like that time I stole Megan Fox away from (insert name of douche guy I assume she is dating).

    Man this joke would have worked better if I was in the know.

  15. In Aniston’s defense – I’m guessing losing out on Brad Pitt is a lot like that time I stole Megan Fox away from (insert name of douche guy I assume she is dating).

    Man this joke would have worked better if I was in the know.

  16. I bet you they secretly get manicures and pedicures together while they chit-chat about how lame Brad is.

    Did that just crush your Girl Fight fantasy?

  17. I give Jennifer Aniston so much credit for holding out this long!

  18. Pam

    That was hillarious! I almost cried I was laughing so hard.

    I am totally with you. Jolie would kick Jennifer’s butt so bad that she wouldn’t be able to work for months (not that she works on anything good now).

  19. i think it’s just ‘ho’. i’m from places where this is a technical term.

  20. It had to have been itchy to hear Angelina say “I looked forward to going to work with Brad” and I guess it’s easier for Jen to say so when much time has passed.

    I still haven’t heard when Brad and Jennifer were “actually” over. People separate and start dating before the actual divorce is legalized (with many keeping the new bf or gf under wraps till it’s finalized to be respectful of their former mate – which is what I thought Brad had done, and not gone and cheated while Jen thought all was fine).

    I’m on Team Neither. Shit, I like Brad, Angelina and Jennifer and wouldn’t mind their freakin’ incomes.

  21. nic

    I’m so glad you brought this up because I read about that yesterday and couldn’t believe that Sad-face Aniston is still talking about this stuff. Who cares anymore? Also, she looks like crap on that Vogue cover. Her hair is completely circa 1988.

  22. Well…what Brangelina did WAS uncool. Props to Maniston 🙂

  23. I have always felt a little bad that Jenny was publicly cheated on.

    Just a little though. That bitch annoys me.

  24. Amanda

    Thanks, Gina, for commenting that it’s “ho” not “hoe.” I was completely distracted while I was reading yet another unfunny blog posting.

    I don’t know why I added this to my RSS feed, but I need to take it off. Dude, you try too hard to be funny. It should be natural, but it’s not. See ya never!

  25. Matt

    I hope they put the fight on PPV.

    cagematch. Winner take Brad.

  26. Oh, I’m totally team Jen here. I’ll rumble if she needs backup.

  27. I just love the fact that all the Team Aniston/Team Jolie polls are back on all the celeb gossip sites. I’ve missed these!

    And in terms of Angelina getting back at Jenn, I’m pretty sure all she has to do is look at her man (…Pitt) and then look at Jenn’s man (… Mayer), compare the two… and just snicker.

  28. tiff – Thanks!

    asoom – You better. Or else.

    kristen – She will never let him pay. Just forget it.

    maxie – Bitch please!

    nancypearl – Yup, poor girl.

    duhn – Yeah, but she has no ass. None!

    gabby – Thanks! Don’t get too high.

    mich – Well, kiss her goodbye, she won’t be around for long.

    yourgf – Hahaha – very true.

    jenny – Oh yeah, he’ll cheat again. How can’t he?

    ben – Over in two seconds.

    longred – Tori? Gross.

    pistols – I’d like to hire you as my PR person.

    narm – You stole her from me. Thanks a lot dude.

    marie – Yes.

    dutchess – I guess, but she should’ve went harder.

    pam – Thanks, and yeah, it’d be over so quick.

    gina – It’s both ways, but I went with the traditional spelling because Snoop did on his classic “G’s up Hoes Down” off of Doggystyle.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doggystyle

    akilah – I bet they make just as much as this blog does!

    nic – Hahaha – oh snap!

    ss+1 – It’s true, it was.

    lemmonex – You and me both.

    amanda – Please refer to my comment to Gina. If Snoop says it, then it is The Truth. And you’ll be back. Trust me. You love me.

    matt – I’d pay for that.

    stealth – I think you wouldn’t make it out of there either.

    beth – Good point.

  29. Far

    No doubt Jolie will be victorious even if she only uses her lips!….

  30. I think its on pay per view

  31. But I like aniston more than jolie.

  32. deutlich

    I’d pay to see that fight.

  33. deutlich

    ps: but only if there was ripping of clothes involved and then lots of make up sex.

    yeah. i said it.

  34. I read this yesterday and I thought the very same thing. It’s on now, bitch and we all know who’s gonna win.

    Oh, and I do think what she did was uncool.

  35. Erm, how 5 minutes ago is Jen? And if she wants to blame someone, how about the Bradster? I don’t get some wimmin.

  36. Not gonna lie, as a straight girl I would so pay to see those two fight. It that isn’t hot I don’t know what is.

  37. tia

    it’s so nice to know that men still really only have one thing on their minds.

  38. angelina is uncool to do that to aniston. she stole her husband with her witchy charm! i’d be livid.

  39. What is Amanda’s problem? She’s hating on my Chris! NOBODY HATES ON MY CHRIS.

    I don’t think she’s smart enough to get you. I’m glad she’s leaving.

  40. I’m going to stage this fight in my neighbourhood, hire a hotdog vending machine for the day and and sell tickets. It’s gonna be big, y’all.

  41. jay grochalski

    i don’t know if i want to see this one. maybe Aniston will call Kim Kardashian “uncool” and the two of them can go at it in thong bikinis in a tub of vaseline. i think i’d like that a lot.

  42. Mack Luster

    check out this hilarious video!

  43. Aniston is my homegirl! Watch your mouths.

  44. It irritates me that everyone calls Angelina Jolie a homewrecker. It takes 2 to tango, people.

    And anywho – I’d leave my husband for Angelina Jolie. Jen Aniston didn’t stand a chance.

    Just like she won’t stand a chance when Angelina punches her in the face. Seriously – I would totally pay to see that fight. They should do it and Angelina could just donate all the proceeds to Darfur or something.

  45. far – That’s all she would need.

    helmet – Dear god I hope so.

    kat – I’m sorry. It’s over.

    deutlich – I completely agree with that. Too much so.

    douchegirl – It is on and Jen’s days are numbered.

    lacochran – I know, Brad is just chilling.

    lbluca – Yes!

    tia – Always. No matter what.

    alexa – She is pure evil.

    kristen – You are nice.

    aine – I can’t wait!

    jay – Yeah, that would be much more fun to watch for sure.

    mack – I told you I don’t watch animal porn anymore man.

    mermanda – I’m sorry, really, send her a card or something.

    twink – Hahaha – she would want the proceeds to go there too.

  46. I like hoes. That means they put out right? Well not sure about Nancy Reagan.

    Actually I play no favorites.

  47. I’m with Maxie on this – Jen could have said much worse, and totally had a right to. She’s not the one going about stealing other people’s men.

    In fact, in a bitch-fight, my money is on Jen. She is probably actually physically fitter than Fanny-gelina at the moment anyway. Ha.

  48. I don’t like either of them. Maybe they’ll maim each other. That would be fun.

    I’m in San Francisco now, btw. I typed this comment from there.

  49. Oh, shit yeah. The Royal Rumble to end all Royal Rumbles. Let’s make it a cage match. How ’bout some oil, too? Yeah, that’s about right.

  50. I’d pay to see that fight. And I would sneak in a big pot to hit Jolie over the head with when she wasn’t looking. Who’s going to distract her for me?

  51. can you imagine that girl fight? that would be ridiculous!

  52. Team Jolie!

    That’s still relevant, right?

  53. Anniston is a fuzzy jumpy spider. Jolie is a black widow.

  54. I liked that one movie in which Jennifer Aniston played Jennifer Aniston.

  55. You’re too funny! But I still side with Anniston. Being cheated on sucks donkey dicks.

  56. In the interview, she said that it was uncool that the tabloids posted Jolie saying how much she looked forward to seeing Pitt in the morning, not necessarily that Jolie was uncool.

    Sorry, just read the article and thought you’d like to know. 🙂

    Also, really? You’d pick her over Jennifer Aniston? I guess this is why i’m a girl – I really don’t see the attraction to Angelina Jolie. I think she’s kind of crazy.

  57. I think what she meant was that it was uncool of Angelina to BRAG ABOUT IT IN A FUCKING MAGAZINE.

    That it was uncool of her to nail the girl’s husband is sort of a given.

    No matter how much Prada AJ wears, she’ll always be the wacko with the blood pendant hanging from her neck and Billy Bob tattoo to match.

  58. Really, you can blame Jolie for bringing it up again when the story had gone cold. Of course they asked Jen to respond. I’ll say it. Uncool, Jolie.

  59. Man, Amanda ripping on you? That’s uncool…

    I will be waiting by the bike racks for her comeback to that one!

  60. I actually think Angelina Jolie will just get pregnant AGAIN to take her revenge out on Jennifer.

    And when I say someone/something was Really Uncool, I can make it the bitchiest comment heard round the world. That’s how awesome I am.

  61. Although I love a good bitch fight as much as the next I’d have to side w/ Aniston on this one. What Jolie did really was uncool and considering this is the most Aniston has ever said about it all I’d say she handled it w/ class. If some bitch comes by and cheats w/ my hubs you can bet your ass I’d have a lot more to say than that!

    Regardless, cat fight ON! I’d love to see that!

  62. Possibly one of the funniest posts EVER.

  63. Angelina Jolie is a bitch. I’ll help Jen kick her ass.

  64. I’m a Jen Gal but you’re right, the making-out-in-front-of-her-dad-with-Billy-Bob whore is tougher.

  65. I think I should break out my Team Aniston shirt! Because, yes, I owned one.

    I think that just made me “uncool.”

  66. I have to be honest, when I read this, I wanted to tell Jen to buzz the f*ck off. we’re still on this topic?? It’s been like two or three years and they have a family. Let it go. You’re divorced and will likely die alone with your dog and Smartwater. I mean John Mayer? Really?

  67. I am more interested in this Amanda vs Chrissy fight you got going on in the comments.

    Who knew you would get such controversy in a little ol’ post about Jolie and Aniston.

  68. i picture aniston’s hair being pulled out.

    all of it.

    and angelina is probably a biter.

  69. Aniston reacts to the words/actions of her ex’s with admirable composure; she has better self control than i would have been inclined to credit give her credit for

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