tall tale

A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend has a story and it goes like this:

This girl owns a big ass snake and loves it.  She even lets it sleep with her at night, curled up at the end of her bed.  One day she notices that it stops eating like it normally does, so she starts to get worried.  She also notices around this time that the snake stops sleeping normally and begins to sleep completely stretched out alongside her at night, instead of curled up at her feet.  So the girl takes the snake to the vet and explains everything that has been happening.  The vet looks at the girl in complete shock and tells her, “The reason why your snake has stopped eating and is stretching out alongside you at night is because it’s preparing itself to eat you.  It stopped eating to make room for you, and is stretched out to see if you will fit inside it.”

Now, after hearing that story certain concerns arise.

For one, what exactly is going on in this woman’s life that she lets her snake sleep with her?  I think the woman needed someone to talk to.  You know, about being fucking crazy.

Another issue is that if a snake that big decided to stretch out alongside you, it is probably not a good sign. No one has ever called me a genius, but I’m pretty sure that after the first night this happened, she should have put it in its cage at night.

There are countless other concerns that come to mind when hearing that story (did she cuddle with it?  And if so, for how long? Did the snake snore?) but when I first heard it, I didn’t care about any of that – I was just upset because I realized that I don’t have a good story.


That friend who knows that story can enter into any situation and immediately feel comfortable, because she has that story to pull out on people.

No matter what people are talking about, she can interject with, “Yeah that’s great, but you want to hear something really crazy?”  And of course people will be interested, because everyone loves Crazy – just look at America’s obsession with Britney (Comeback my ass.  She’s still bat shit nuts, mark my words).

But me?  I’ve got nothing.

I could pull out the time when I missed the train and thought I was going to be late to work but then another train came right away! But somehow, I don’t think it’s as powerful as Snake Woman.

Something’s got to give.  Maybe I’ll try and make something remarkable happen and have a quality story all to myself, something that will always elicit ohhs and aahhs from people.

Or maybe I’ll just steal the Snake Woman story, because I think that’s much more my speed.

So I know this girl, right?  Well she has this snake…



So apparently the snake story is complete bullshit.  Maxie and Ben even wrote about the same thing in August.  Obviously this makes me feel better because now I know everyone has shitty stories just like me.


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63 responses to “tall tale

  1. Didn’t Maxie post this story a few weeks ago?

  2. Obviously you need to go out and get a pet croc.

  3. Ben

    I publicly embarrassed myself by retelling the snake story in blog comments. When I heard it it was only a friend of a friend rather than the traditional, a friend of a friend of a cousin’s dog’s owner’s wife…

    It seemed so much more credible.

  4. get a monkey, people love monkey stories

  5. Everyone I’ve told this story to is appalled. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but you are right about being able to bring out this story at any occasion. Best story ever.

  6. after ari told this to us, i told this story to my friend’s boyfriend and he called everyone he knew on the spot to spread the word. one of his friends told him it’s an urban legend. i refuse to believe that cause i think it’s totally true. snakes are crazy. they do crazy shit.

  7. I refuse to believe this story is false…even though all signs point that way.

    I also believe in santa claus.

  8. I can’t believe this story isn’t true. I’ve been telling it for weeks.

  9. I have this habit of telling a story then getting an overly sarcastic “great story, Mindy” back afterwards. I may steal this as well. It’s at least more interesting than “so I had this table, and thought they’d tip bad, but they didn’t.”

    Man, I’m so uninteresting.

  10. 1. It’s very likely that this story is false, but it seems just crazy enough to be true. I’m going to operate on the assumption that it IS true, mainly because I like telling it.

    2. Have you ever met people that keep snakes as pets? I have and they are strange. Now I say this with love (my cousin has an albino python) but also with the utmost sincerity. Straaaaange people.

    3. I spelled my name right today! (You know I checked it about eight times before hitting “submit comment”, right?)

  11. deutlich

    That story is still creepy as fuck. Fake or not.

  12. I am officially freaked out by this story, true or not.

    I have trouble sleeping when I know that any living creature (other than a human, of course) is in the room… You now, like a moth or spider or something. I don’t like the idea of things crawling on me (hey, it’s my neuroses, okay?)…

    The idea of something trying to eat you; holy crap.

  13. It’s okay, I have all shitty stories too. But that story??? Not true. I used to own a snake, a big one too. a Snake can Kill a person, but they CANNOT constrict a human and swallow them because of our shoulders. Notice how most snake food is “streamlined” from a narrow head and billows out (like mice, rats, gerbils, rabbits). Humans pose a problem as snake food because of our shoulders. They’d have no way to get through it unless they go against their instincts and eat us feet first (which the won’t).

    Also, it doesn’t matter if they have “room” because when they digest they break down while still being eaten. If you took a mouse, fed it to a snake and found a way to pull it out halfway through the digestive process (half out the mouth, half in the snake) you’d find that the head would basically already be broken down and “disappeared” into the snake. I think I’m saying it wrong and not describing it well, but maybe you understand what I’m saying…right?

  14. Matt

    We can only hope that there is a girl out there, weird enough to sleep with a snake.

  15. OMG, no way! That thing with train totally happened to me before! Except that when I missed my train, and since I live on the F line, another train DIDN’T come right away, I totally had to wait forever.

    …And then a snake ate three of my fingers while I was sleeping.

  16. I bet you it’s an urban legend. But you should definitely use it.

  17. Maxie would never lie to me!!!!!

  18. Just make up a story about you and Britney. It’s not like the bitch is in any position to deny whatever crazy-ass story you come up with!

  19. I bet you have your own awesome story. (Not AS awesome as the snake of course.) I’m sure it starts out with, “So I was wasted this one time…” but in my book, that still counts.

  20. I am sure you have plenty of crazy stories we all do. We just keep them locked up tight most of the time.

  21. The same thing just happened to me the other day. I THOUGHT I was retelling an awesome story about an embarrassing one-night stand that this friend-of-a-friend had…

    …but instead, it turned out to be an urban legend.

    Does that mean nothing awesome happens to anyone anymore? Or do they just get so recycled/stolen that it just seems that way?

  22. I love your stories. But they’d totally be better with a snake.

  23. Now you just have to think up a better fake-crazy story then the snake to tell everyone.

  24. Sorry, I had to go to a meeting and couldn’t finish my comment. So you have to get a pet croc in hopes of something happening so you can one-up this story.

  25. I hate snakes…

    Well, not all snakes, just the ones that are long with forked tongues and have fangs.

    Eww, gross….must start thinking about flowers and butterflies immediately.

  26. Only people who hate themselves have snakes as pets.

  27. So, when I was reading this from my blogroll, All I saw was, “There is this girl and she has a big ass. She lets it sleep with her at night”…

    …Totally thought you were examining your inner hip-hop rap artist side.

    Hey, Ho. Hey. Ho.

  28. Suz

    OMG! I am totally freaking out and will so have nightmares tonight about a snake laying beside me contemplating eating me…ahhhh…that is worse than crazy. There is no word for that in my book. I’d rather be ordinary than have this type of story to tell about myself!

  29. even if it’s bullshit, it’s a really damn good story

  30. jay grochalski

    try and drunkenly pick up a transvestite prostitute with your drinking buddies….instant story right there. sadly, i have one too many hooker stories.

  31. My vet told me the same thing about my dog.

  32. That girl was ME!

    Wait, what? It’s fake?

    What about pop rocks and coke? Can that still happen?

  33. so I woke up this morning with this snake sleeping beside me…..

  34. arielle – Noted.

    dutchess – Yes, yes I do.

    ben – At least you didn’t center a post around that damn story.

    chele – Can you send me one?

    kate – So now that we know it’s fake, do we still use it?

    betsy – It’s true. I bet snakes even write blogs. About humans!

    maxie – And the easter bunny.

    ari – We have all been lied to.

    amind – They didn’t tip badly???

    aine – 1) It’s so fake it makes my head hurt. 2) I haven’t, but someday, hopefully I will. 3) I have to check your name 8 times before I comment back.

    deutlich – But it’s fake! I bet Jesus is fake too…

    astharis – I bet you don’t sleep well, do you?

    toughgirl – I got what you were saying. I always thought that snakes had eaten people. Man, today is a total bust.

    matt – I know! Just think of what else she’d be into.

    aaron – I have a deep hatred for the F.

    marie – It is – read the entire post. I can’t believe it.

    inreallife – She is a liar full of lies!

    giggle – Hahaha – best idea so far.

    elle – Well good then, because that’s all I really have.

    jossie – Oh I’d let them out if I had them.

    kevin – Aside from Robocop and the Steelers winning the Super Bowl, nothing awesome has happened.

    lacochran – Thanks, maybe I’ll just add an animal to every story.

    robbie – Right, maybe something about me being a blogger.

    ss – What about deadly flowers???

    essentially – Well put.

    katie – Hahaha – now that would be an awesome story.

    suz – But it’s fake.

    greta – Thanks for making me feel better.

    jay – Good idea. This weekend!

    megan – Hahaha – nice.

    melissa – You can make it happen Melissa – you can make anything happen.

    milly – That’s what she said!

  35. Over the weekend, I played the game Apples to Apples, because I know how to have a good time at a party. Under the category “cuddly,” I played the word “snake” and won the round because everyone thought it was funny. I guess I was more right than I thought.

  36. bullshit or not that completely freaked me out. i mean, if a snake is going to it anyone, it’s probably going to be me. it would only have to stop eating a day or 2 before. though this would imply that i would own a snake and that would NEVER happen.

    actually, all i can picture now is that kid from the jungle book getting wrapped up and then snapped back and forth like a yo-yo.


  37. I don’t think your subway story is THAT bad….

  38. Hah. Before I got to your update I was thinking of making a reply along those lines. “You know, in my experience with people who have awesome stories, the reason they are awesome is because they are somewhere between 50% and 100% bullshit.” I had a friend who was famous for this. He always had awesome stories. He was an endless fountain of them. Except after a while you start to hear the stories of things you actually remember, and the way they happen in his story bears little resemblance to the actual event.

    So that’s how you get awesome stories: make shit up.

    On the other hand, I no longer hang out with that guy. I can only imagine he has a story for why this is which he tells to his other friends. I wonder if it involves a snake?

  39. I don’t care if that story is fake or not b/c either way it creeps the hell outta me. Snakes are scary ass creatures. No way in hell I’d ever let one sleep in my bed.

    The one and only time I touched a snake I was wasted off of 1/3 of a bottle of lemon bacardi shots. I saw the pictures later and about died that I did that. The damn thing was wrapped around my neck at one point. I have NEVER done lemon bacardi shots again.

  40. I’m sad to find out it was fake, cause I was all HOLY SHIT when the vet told her it was going to eat her.

    But still, HOLY SHIT!!

  41. “Did the snake snore?”

    You’re a freakin’ riot!

    Um…how did her boyfriend feel about another “snake” being in the bed??

  42. well the story was new to me. and omg. what if?

    I’d rather have no story than that snake story {well, if it were true I suppose}

  43. I have some GREAT. STORIES. You can borrow one if you want.

    Do you want the one about how your hair caught fire in the bathtub whilst doing Naugthy Things or do you want the one about selling your panties on Craigslist?

    I’ve got more. Just let me know.

  44. If you put a snake in a cage, couldn’t it just crawl through the bars? You’d be snake food, buddy.

  45. Was it a cold-hearted snake?

  46. i was about to say…didn’t maxie blog about this already??

  47. You have no idea how much it bothers me that all I have are shitty stories. I really really want to be on Jeopardy one day. My friend auditioned (and was on a couple weeks ago) and she told me you have to have at least three stories that you can share with Alex and I have nothing. NOTHING.

  48. Hmmm I’m sure I have a few stories but no way in hell do they involve sleeping with a snake. Not that I’m afraid of snakes or anything but I AM afraid of things eating me in my sleep.

  49. Hell yes, I will still be telling this story. And I will probably still insist it’s true. AND I’ll probably even try to tell it to you if I get drunk enough. So when I do, just nod and look really shocked and surprised.

  50. noelle – Ugh, I hate that game.

    stealth – Weird, but still somehow fitting.

    ernie – Why thank you.

    northern – You can only hope.

    kellie – I think that’s probably a good idea.

    lacey – You can still pretend it’s real if you want to.

    akilah – Right, there are so many snake/penis jokes that I want to make.

    maegan – As long as it wasn’t you, right?

    kristen – Oh! The panties one!

    narm – Damn you Narm. You’ve won this time.

    jenbun – Look into his eyes! Uh oh – he’s been telling lies!

    dbmb5 – I am an idiot.

    megkathleen – Three stories for Alex? What a bastard.

    alice – Yeah, that would make your day kinda shitty.

    kate – Got it. Nod and act surprised.

  51. This is a great story, I would totally keep playing it off as real. This is one of those stories that people all over the world will re-tell as if they knew the girl who slept with the snake.

  52. Too bad it’s not true. I would have stolen it.

  53. Google “dead dog in a suitcase”

    I made the mistake of blogging about that.

  54. Emily

    So I’m in Australia and found your blog by accident, and that story was played on a radio show to try find it’s origins. So either it’s bullshit, it’s in the wrong country or there are heaps of idiots out there who think that owning a pet snake and letting it eat you is awesome. Weird.

  55. I’ve never heard this story, but that’s because if someone was like, “Hey, I have this friend who has a snake,” I’d interrupt them with, “And they’re a boring shut-in. Next!”

  56. okay that makes me feel a little better that the story is BS, i was seriously creeped out, haha.

  57. ok im reading this in my reader and literally laughing out loud, like how is this fucking possible.

    then i got to the bottom, buzzkill.

  58. There’s no way in hell i believe it. I think you’re just telling the story to scare me since I bought a pet snake over the weekend. Well, it’s not going to work.

  59. I was going to say “here by way of ___” to thank whomever got me here. But now I can’t remember how I got here. Fuck!
    Anyway – you’re funny and I’m glad I’m here and will be back.
    And that snake story freaked me out.

  60. uhm that story just gave me goosebumps and nausea. sick sick sick. animals/bugs/scary things being in my bed is one of my biggest fears.

    also i wish it was true even though reading it makes me sick.

    also please blog next about the time you almost missed the train… that sounds incredibly compelling.

  61. clgirl

    remember the one about the girl who goes down on this guy? and then gets a rash, and the doctor says call an attorney because the rash only comes from mites in dead people? and old boy works at a funeral home?

    it came my way via a friend of a friend who’s a nurse (i mean she would know, right?)

    i threw that little tale everywhere, and eventually, in a different city, it came back to me. i left in a huff. my claim to fame so quickly faded.

  62. All the best stories are bullshit, to some degree. But maybe I’m just jealous too.

    It could be a true story, though, and that’s why it works.

    And at first I thought the snake was just a euphemism for penis. She lets it sleep with her.

  63. mmg

    If my dog ate me, I’d be super pissed. Come to think of it, he HAS been stretching out against me lately…

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