down for the count

Ever since I started boxing I’ve been – as caveman as it sounds – kind of wanting to get into a fight.  The only reason being that for the first time in my life I feel like I could actually kick some ass, instead of getting in two punches, closing my eyes and praying to the heavens that the gym teacher breaks it up soon.

The problem I keep running into is that fighting someone when you’re a thirty-year-old man is, you know, kind of frowned upon.

Plus the scope of what I would actually punch someone in the face for has dwindled significantly since I was a teenager.

Back in high school, a short list of Totally Acceptable Reasons To Punch Someone looked like this:

1) Someone took your pen.  Pens aren’t cheap!  Well, they kind of are, but that’s not the point fool!

2) Someone spilled something on your Starter.  Damn bro – you know I’m a Canes fan even though I don’t know any of the players and sports are confusing to me in general!  Stop playin’!

3) Someone looked at you.  What are you looking at?  You think this is some kind of looking party???

4) Someone beat up someone you barely knew but was popular.  Jim, I mean Gregg, I mean – whatever – he was awesome, so let’s get that dude!

5) Someone talked to the girl you might have eventually talked to but haven’t yet. We had so much in common! She has a “May the Schwartz Be With You” sticker on her binder too!

Of course I didn’t even fight in high school (the last fight I was in was in 8th grade), because I was a Class Clown-type, which we all know is that dude who can make everyone laugh but when The Shit Goes Down he is usually seen running away while wiping tears from his eyes.

And now that I’m older and those reasons don’t really apply once you graduate high school, I’m just not sure if I’ll ever get into a fight and be able to show off my abilities.

That truly does make me sad, but I guess it’s one less phone call from the police at 3:45 AM that my fiancée will have to worry about.

For now.


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50 responses to “down for the count

  1. Obviously you need to find a Fight Club in your area.

  2. wishmewell

    those reasons all are still valid reasons to fight

    (provided you and/or the other party in said fight are no less than five whiskeys deep…or just dude be frontin’)

  3. Just for this, if I ever meet you in real life, I’ll sucker punch you just to see what happens.

  4. 6. – Possible candidate to be punch continues to trot out tired expressions that stopped being funny ten years (or more) ago. “Party On”, “That’s what she said,” “Whasssup”…you get the idea.


  5. “punch” s/b “punched.” Sorry. I am admittedly my own grammar Nazi.

  6. Step 1) Find an attractive woman in a bar.
    Step 2) Sit near her and pay no attention.
    Step 3) Wait for some playa to come up to her and say something like, “Ooo, woman, you is lookin FINE. How about come over to my place for some fun?” This should take approximately 1-5 minutes if she’s hot enough.
    Step 4) Stand up and level your finger at the dude and exclaim, “You go too far, sir!” Then start punching him.

    This will get you thrown out of the bar and/or beat up by all of his friends but you probably won’t get arrested (the bar would rather just throw you out than call the cops) and maybe the attractive lady will hook you up for the sheer novelty of dating a guy who punches scumbags. Okay, so that will probably never happen but the rest of the plan is solid.

  7. Ben

    I have never been hit in my life. My face thanks me for that.

  8. Matt

    Dutchess is right.

    you should start a fight club. As long as I can join.

  9. <>

    Yeah, I used that once. It got me punched in the face, AND I’M A GIRL. Jersey/Philadelphia people are ridiculous.

  10. If you ever do get in a fight, don’t call Ari in the morning and ask her if she wants to hear a funny story. Then tell her you got in a little scuffle.

    Because 1) that’s not funny 2) she will be pissed you didn’t call her when it happened even if you are okay and the other dude took the brunt of it

    I know this because it happened to me and boy this past weekend.

  11. I’ve never been in a fight, but I think I would like to sometime. It’s on a list I have somewhere, I think.

    If you don’t mind having your ass kicked by a girl, I’ll totally fight you next time I’m in NY.

    I hope you don’t mind biting, scratching, and being hit repeatedly by my purse filled with useless, but still heavy crap.
    Game on, dude. GAME ON!!!!!!!!!

  12. You want to get in a fight? Hop on the PATH to Jersey and head immediately into a bar on a Friday night. If you’re in a hurry, start talking to random girls. I doubt it will be too long before somone tries to fight you; rule #5 still applies there.

  13. as caveman as it sounds i kinda see where you are coming from. i’m not a trained boxer, obvy.

    but there is some part of me that has always wanted to throw a punch.

    i’ve never been in a physical fight, ever! (other than with my sister, but that sooooooo doesn’t count.)

  14. jay grochalski

    i think it’s enough that you have the “idea” for fighting in your head. the “idea” alone can create the energy you so desire. like you wakl down the street and some asshole stops to play with their iPod or cell phone, and you can think “fuck, i’d like to punch that guy.” but you don’t.

  15. That was me as well, the class clown type, so I was left alone “mostly.” There have been a few verbal altercations and now that I’m older, I truly wish I had knocked the shit out of a few chickenheads! Hmm…is chickenhead still a cool term? 😉

  16. fear not…there are still ass kicking offenses going on around you…for example, I was certain my fella was going to get shanked when he got all up in some wanna-be-gansta’s grill for throwing rocks at our neighbor’s dog. I was secretly kind proud of him though, cause don’t be shuffling down our block throwing unprovoked rocks at dogs.

    And, cheap or not, good pens are hard to come by. Pen stealing is still an ass kicking offense in my opinion.

  17. Meghan

    If you want to get in a fight though, just be a dick to as many people as possible when they’re drunk. Alcohol makes some people aggressive.

    Ari will NOT THINK THAT IT”S FUNNY though. And even when you win a fight, you still get hurt in some way. I’ve never been in a fight with a guy but you always walk away with scratches or burses or something.

    And, as for the rules that no longer apply… I punch people all the time for taking my pen. I don’t see a problem with it…

  18. I’ll give you your wish. When we finally meet, we’ll have a fistfight.

    Just no punching the face. Or the stomach. Or my arms or legs. Or my back. Or chest.

  19. deutlich

    There was only one time I can remember REALLY wanting to beat the shit out of someone and it’s when he wore a KKK uniform to school like a fucking dimwit.

  20. You can go on shadow boxing for the rest of your life. Nobody ever wins and nobody will get hurt.

  21. Far

    ok you are SO edward norton in fight club! Im almost afraid though that once you get into your first fight there will be no stoppin ya!

  22. It’s always a good idea to punch someone for taking your pen. And punch the person that tries to tell you otherwise.

  23. UMM!! excuse me everyone, but we obviously forgot the first rule of fight club.

    Second, you live in NYC. stop being such a nice guy because there must be 10 instances a day that are punch-able offenses that you brush off. Haul off on the next SOB that cuts in front of you at the deli.

  24. If you do fight, and then you tell the story afterward, could you somehow incorporate the word “fisticuffs” into the tale?


  25. How’s this? I can pick fights with the newly enlarged crowds on the train, just verbally you know, and then you’ll roll in all beefy and stuff and be like “hey man, don’t yell at her, she’s just a GIRL” and then you can get your fight fix and save me from getting an ass-whopping too.

  26. Ohh I wanna play! How do I sign up for this Fight Club? I won’t, like, break a nail or anything – right?

  27. No no! You cannot get into a real fight! It’s not the same!!

    My friend was feeling all tough and strong from taking kick boxing and so she picked a fight with some bitch at a bar and OH. NO.

    It wasn’t good.

    Maybe you should start taking yoga. It’ll make you want to hump everyone instead.

  28. The less police station visits your woman has to make – the better.

  29. Well, now I’m worried you have a split personality and are going to blow up a building.

  30. I have been, and always will be, a scrappy bitch-fighter. We’re talking nails, teeth and always going for the delicate bits.

    This is how I am in most romantic situations, too, so you can understand why it’s rare that I get Taken Home To Mom.

  31. dutchess – Yes!

    wishme – Hahaha – damn, I forgot to add, “dude just be frontin.”

    dan – I knew I could count on you.

    sonny – Good add on.

    northern – That is a solid plan, I think maybe you’ve thought about this before…

    ben – If we meet I’ll punch you, just to take your fight virginity.

    matt – Dude you are so in.

    katie – I think you meant to quote something and missed it.

    jamie – But he won, right? He’s awesome for that.

    whiskey – I’ve been waiting for that day for my entire life. Or at least since I started blogging.

    aaron – But Jersey dudes have gold chains, and that intimidates me.

    alexa – You can join the fight club with me and Matt.

    jay – Right, I guess that’s gonna have to work for now.

    akilah – Chickenheads as a term is always welcomed here. Chickenheads in general, however, are not.

    ballerina – Good for your dude. He sounds like a keeper.

    meghan – You gangsta.

    arjewtino – Your feet are dead man! Dead!

    deutlich – I think that qualifies.

    broke – Yeah, and I could listen to “Eye of The Tiger” the entire time, which is also a bonus.

    far – That is the best compliment I’ve ever received.

    meghan – That must be a nice pen. Blue ink, of course.

    vincent – Yeah there are, but going to jail for that is kinda a downer on the weekend.

    melissa – For you? Anything.

    stealth – Done and done.

    alice – Not if you’re good.

    kristen – Hmmm… Humping is more fun…

    big time – Those are words to live by.

    kiala – I wish I did.

    aine – But those are the best kinds of women.

  32. ken

    you forgot 6) someone made fun of your winners.

  33. I’ve never gotten into a fight. I’m too small. And a girl.

    Remember to pick on someone about your size or slightly smaller than you. And a boy. Don’t hit girls. That’s just not nice.

  34. You boys are always wanting to hit stuff.

    Actually, I kind of want to hit stuff too. Hm…

  35. You need to vacation in LA.

    High School rules still apply and the list is added to once you graduate…. Seriously, wall to wall a-holes just itching to fight and waiting for anybody to look at them. Or breathe. Or something.

  36. Sometimes I feel the need to fight someone too. Usually it is pms that brings on my aggression.

  37. Don’t forget picked last for kickball. i totally kicked Jimmy Atrel’s ass for that!

  38. Dude, I’VE been in a fight since you have.

    I’ll totally fight you.

    But not with fists.

    With guacamole!

  39. Just as well. It wouldn’t be worth it to finally beat someone down to show off your skills just to get turned into somebody’s bitch in jail.

  40. tia

    bar fighting is occasionally hot.

    that sentence means something is wrong with me.

  41. You needed reasons to fight in high school? Mine was called “adolescence.” It ensured at least one fight per day for years (though I was usually on the undercard).

  42. How about people that rat you out? They’re punch-worthy.

    Of course, they might rat you out.

  43. I almost got in a fight with somebody not that long ago because they made fun of the Seahawks. Is that an acceptable reason? If so, I’m sure somebody will make fun of the Steelers and give you an opportunity to test your skills.

    It’s probably not an acceptable reason is it? I’m so immature sometimes.

  44. I never was a fighter, but there are two instances in my life- check that, three instances- where I totally should have thrown down. Regrets.

  45. the only thing worse than a 30 yr old man fight is a 30 yr old girl fight.

  46. Stay alert, young grasshopper, and the fight will find you.

  47. Last night at the meetup someone poured redbull ALL over me. If you had been there it could have been you!

    What a shame.

  48. A looking party?? That might be my favorite comeback ever.

  49. Were you on a black sitcom in high school?

  50. Jen

    hahahha so funny!
    I agree with nicole, you do sound remarkably black there. 🙂

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