Ever since I started boxing I’ve been – as caveman as it sounds – kind of wanting to get into a fight. The only reason being that for the first time in my life I feel like I could actually kick some ass, instead of getting in two punches, closing my eyes and praying to the heavens that the gym teacher breaks it up soon.
The problem I keep running into is that fighting someone when you’re a thirty-year-old man is, you know, kind of frowned upon.
Plus the scope of what I would actually punch someone in the face for has dwindled significantly since I was a teenager.
Back in high school, a short list of Totally Acceptable Reasons To Punch Someone looked like this:
1) Someone took your pen. Pens aren’t cheap! Well, they kind of are, but that’s not the point fool!
2) Someone spilled something on your Starter. Damn bro – you know I’m a Canes fan even though I don’t know any of the players and sports are confusing to me in general! Stop playin’!
3) Someone looked at you. What are you looking at? You think this is some kind of looking party???
4) Someone beat up someone you barely knew but was popular. Jim, I mean Gregg, I mean – whatever – he was awesome, so let’s get that dude!
5) Someone talked to the girl you might have eventually talked to but haven’t yet. We had so much in common! She has a “May the Schwartz Be With You” sticker on her binder too!
Of course I didn’t even fight in high school (the last fight I was in was in 8th grade), because I was a Class Clown-type, which we all know is that dude who can make everyone laugh but when The Shit Goes Down he is usually seen running away while wiping tears from his eyes.
And now that I’m older and those reasons don’t really apply once you graduate high school, I’m just not sure if I’ll ever get into a fight and be able to show off my abilities.
That truly does make me sad, but I guess it’s one less phone call from the police at 3:45 AM that my fiancée will have to worry about.