good lord

Yesterday Ari and I were taking our dog for a walk when we stumbled upon something that shocked both of us.

It wasn’t a crack head trying to sell us a tent.

It wasn’t a guy pissing on a street light pole in broad daylight.

And it wasn’t even a middle-aged woman telling her friend that she “was gonna go all crazy and shit” if she didn’t get paid later that night.

Even though all of those people can be found all too frequently around our neighborhood, it wasn’t any of them.  Instead, it was a giant, overwhelming, sun-blocking church.

god damn!

god damn!

This church was not there about a month ago.  But suddenly, there it was.  Huge.  Massive.  With lettering basically yelling “Jesus Christ is The Lord!” at us.

How is it that apartment complexes take at least a year or so to be put up, yet churches seem to spring up at any moment and, quite frankly, scare the hell out of you?

I think that’s exactly the effect that they’re going for.  They sit around a table, discuss how to make Jesus even more intimidating than he already is, and then it’s settled: They will build a gigantic church, way bigger than necessary, that will scare all the Non Believers shitless.

And that’s exactly what happened to Ari and I.

When we saw this church, we stopped cold in our tracks and stared at it.

In fact, my exact words were “Jesus fucking christ!”

Somehow, I can’t help but think that’s not what they were going for, but then again, I don’t think I’m really their target audience.


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54 responses to “good lord

  1. A church is going to pop up in your own apartment before you realize it. Watch out!

  2. Maybe they are also renting rooms out? I bet that’s how they get their money to build these churches up so fast.

    I’m going straight to hell.

  3. *Be careful – that shit says Universal Church – it is going to be like the bar scene from Star Wars in there.

    *Pathetic comment warning.

  4. Ben

    Churches = the new Starbucks?

  5. LMAO! “J-F-C!” Did you really say that?

    By the looks of that massiveness, they have the power to hear ‘everything’ and prolly followed your ass home…

  6. Hey…
    You should come to my church! (when is ready that is… January hopefully…
    Like nothing you’ve seen so far…. for a start the idea is “not being a church” 🙂
    and nope… no interest in building humongous buildings overnight… and no intention of shoveling crap down your throat so don’t worry!
    BTW… I know the UCKG… they’re building huge temples like that all over the world!!!


  7. nancypearlwannabe

    What’s strange to me is that there’s so much available real estate for these churches in NYC.

  8. Well, you surely thought of Jesus.

    Church 1, Chris 0.

  9. Matt

    That doesn’t look like a church…

    it looks kind of cheaply built. Almost like a huge mobile home for worship.

  10. You’re right.

    Jesus doesn’t want you sweetie. You’re too much competition and your following is too loyal.

    You make the poor dude look bad and shit.

  11. When did Jesus become synonymous with bad architecture? I think the savior would have been horrified with the aesthetics of that place…as well as with the slaying of innocent people in his name, but I digress.

  12. I would have had the same reaction…cursed a bit more and ended with a Holy Shit was that monstrosity really necessary.

    Honestly, its a tad creepy.

  13. Did you walk around back to make sure it’s a real building and not a stage set?

  14. I always get a little skwinky when I see these “Jesus is Lord” declarations. Like someone’s fixin’ for a throwdown.

  15. Just looking at that church got my sinful ass struck by lightening… did YOU survive seeing it?

  16. You joined, right? And now you’re saved, I hope?

  17. You should come to Halifax. On the 10-minute one-street walk to and from work, I pass by nine churches. Here, they don’t need to spring up overnight; they’ve been here forever and they’re overunning the city.

  18. It’s because they don’t have to pay motherfucking taxes on the religious shit, and yes, that pisses me off to no goddamn end.

    Or, at least until the end where I am needlessly swearing in the comments section of someone else’s blog.

  19. Because churches use god magic to build their stuff. true story.

  20. Maybe it was a Thanksgiving miracle?

  21. I totally would have mistaken that for a Forever 21 and wandered in to look for pleather handbags and a feather fascinator.

  22. haha, that’s awesome!!

    My bf and I were once on a road trip and passed an Ark. Yep, they were constructing a church in the shape of an ark that actually had a fucking moat around it…

    We stopped and took pictures then high-tailed it from there because we had the heebied-jeebies and were afraid some bible-bumpin’ freak was going to kidnap us and try to baptize us and save us from the devil.

  23. jay grochalski

    you could be their target audience. i mean they did get you to say “Jesus fucking Christ.” still, that’s quite a building for people to go and pray to their imaginary friends.

  24. I think you are indeed their target audience. I really don’t know what I’m talking about, but don’t you get points for saving heathens from going to hell? And those points go towards more virgins waiting for you when you die?

  25. you think that’s scary? you should check out the big ‘butter’ jesus in ohio!

  26. “How is it that apartment complexes take at least a year or so to be put up, yet churches seem to spring up at any moment…”

    I don’t know much about this church stuff, but isn’t there something about Jesus and carpentry skills that explains all the building? And then god is like a magician or something so that helps.

    I paid attention that time my grandparents made me go to church.

  27. Um, wow. I guess subtlety (wow that’s the weirdest word to look at!) isn’t their thing. I’d be frightened, too. What an ugly church.

  28. LMAO! I like the Starbucks comment…so true. So true…

  29. longredcape

    I should probably feel guilty for laughing at this post, but I totally don’t.

  30. arielle – I think there’s one under my desk!

    marie – I’ll see you there.

    narm – Well if they have that same band playing then I am down.

    ben – Yes.

    akilah – Yup, I really did say that.

    urban – I don’t really like religion, so I better stay away from all churches.

    nancypearl – I know!

    andy – Good point.

    matt – I know, it’s so terrible.

    kristen – Oh you are too kind.

    sara – Hahaha – yeah, you’d think he wouldn’t like all that.

    jossie – WAY creepy.

    gwen – I didn’t, but maybe I should have. No it’s real and it is scary.

    lacochran – I think they really are.

    rachel – I have no idea, they must have something brutal in store for me.

    mindy – They wouldn’t let me in.

    jenn – That sounds like just the kind of place I’d be scared to live at.

    noelle – I think that counts.

    maxie – I need some of that god magic.

    melissa – Yes!

    kiala – And came out looking sassy as hell.

    word – I think I know which ark you’re talking about.

    jay – I know, it’s fucking crazy.

    megkathleen – Hmmm… virgins huh? Maybe I should become religious after all.

    claire – That sounds much more scary.

    megan – I think you just summed up the bible in one blog comment.

    angela – No, I don’t think it is their thing at all.

    sonia – Too true.

    longred – No need to feel guilty, it’s fun!

  31. Churches are, in many ways, like genital warts on society’s wang: they pop up unexpectedly and with a quickness, and no one I know wants them around.

  32. tia

    ahh! organized religion freaks me out a little.

    i’d surely burst into flames if i were to walk through that door.

  33. I thought I had escaped that crap when I moved to New York. Our little liberal god-fearing bubble is slowly disolving.

  34. i don’t believe you captioned the church picture with “god damn”!! and said “jesus fucking christ”. hahaha.

  35. Churches are easy to mass-produce and therefore can currently be found in most chain supermarkets. The seeds require very little light and low temperatures don’t really harm them. Not like my friggin’ azaleas…

  36. hahaha, I bet Jesus looked at you and laugh when you said what you said. He doesn’t give a shit if you swear. He probably takes it as a compliment.

  37. When I was in Guatemala last year, I saw a HUGE sign on a mountain overlooking the town of Xela that says, Jesus Christ is Coming.

    It was pretty intimidating. As a Jew, I wasn’t sure if I should stick around to see what happens or get the hell out of there.

  38. That doesn’t even look real. Are we sure it’s not a movie set?

    maybe with Queen Latifah?

  39. There are no laws to protect the angels and I don’t think workers compensation is required so they are even better than child laborers. They could probably rebuild New Orleans in days if God didn’t have them out building all those churches.

  40. deutlich

    dear goodness that would scare the shit out of me.. being atheist and all

  41. Good, god- that thing is hideous. It would scare the bajeezus out me if it all of a sudden came out of no where.

    I don’t understand why churches go up so much faster than condos…maybe it has to do with all the open space and less plumbing.

    Just a thought.

  42. k8

    Look. I used to work for the church as a youth director. Ten fucking years. Anything that sucks the sun from your face? It’s evil I tell you. Evil.

  43. Tom cruise built it, didn’t you hear? He’s taking over your area, one church at a time.

  44. pistols – Brilliant as always man.

    tia – Oh yes, right away.

    betsy – I know, you’d think churches would be few and far between, but they keep popping up and making me hate them even more.

    alexa – I am witty.

    aine – Here’s to hoping they wilt just as easily.

    verb – So those ten commandments – not to be taken seriously then? Wait, that was Moses and God. Do you think Jesus obeys those too? Or is he a brat, misbehaving all the time.

    arjewtino – There is no right answer.

    labella – Yup.

    rs – I wish!

    broke – I agree.

    deutlich – It made me almost pee my pants.

    dolce – Hmmm… you might be on to something there. Are you an architect sent from god or something?

    k8 – Ten years??? Damn. I feel for you.

    allison – Hahaha – damn that dude is fucking sneaky.

  45. Few know that, among Christians, speed church-building is a competitive sport. Some can knock out a monstrously ugly church in only a week.

    Meanwhile, Christians think that buildings that look like that church are fancy. That’s why Christians and I don’t screw more often.

  46. Is it just me, or does it look like a prop in a Hollywood backlot? Sorta like the fake fake Rock Ridge in Blazing Saddles. Hm.

  47. Holy effin’ crap, man! Scare me, scare me now.

  48. that is fucking horrifying.

  49. okay that is just plain scary. and the bird in the heart? oh my.

  50. good god that’s a massive church.

  51. religion and religious people and churches and nailing people to crosses makes me feel one thing: absolutely terrified.

    it also makes me wonder what takes the place of religion in my life since i don’t believe in it. what do i believe in so strongly that i would erect a crazy building proclaiming the righteousness of my obsession? oust bathroom spray? asian manicurists? meat cooked medium rare?

    i just don’t know.

  52. Whatever it is, it is cool.

  53. It’s because God built that church when he said, “Let there be a gigantic church that scares people at the site of it!”

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