holidays are good for things

I have some good news and some bad news. First, the bad news: I won’t be back until December 1st, because my Thanksgiving vacation begins tomorrow.

Take a moment. Breathe. Breathe dammit!

I know that my blog is central to your existence and my being gone until the 1st might push you over the edge faster than having to watch Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, but it is something that must happen.

Now for the good news: it’s Thanksgiving on Thursday!

While everyone likes Thanksgiving, it can be quite different for me because I’m a vegetarian.

A meat eater’s Thanksgiving typically goes like this:

1) Sit on the couch and drink.

2) Watch TV and try to avoid any and all interaction with family members, especially Uncle Gregg, who has a problem with remembering to zip his pants.

3) Eat turkey then pass out. Hope Uncle Gregg doesn’t notice and position himself dangerously close to you.

A vegetarian’s Thanksgiving goes like this:

1) Sit on the couch and drink.

2) Watch TV and try to avoid Uncle Gregg, while simultaneously answering everyone else’s 47 questions about why you don’t eat meat, despite the fact that you haven’t eaten meat for the last ten Thanksgivings.

3) After answering all of those questions, have someone ask you “But you can eat turkey, right?”

4) Eat pasta and try to pass out. Hope Uncle Gregg doesn’t notice and accuse you of being “one of those hippies or something” while his zipper is down.

Of course any holiday with the main purpose to eat and drink too much is okay with me, so I can’t complain too much.

And who knows, maybe this year Uncle Gregg will be wearing underwear.

See you all next Monday.


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67 responses to “holidays are good for things

  1. Ben

    AMEN. Although, I use my vegetarianism to bogart all the awesome potato and bread based sides. Suckers can have all the turkey they want but that dressing is all mine, bitches! I mean, Mom…

  2. I had NO IDEA you were a fellow veggie!!

    My parents *still* give me a hard time about it. Despite the fact that I’ve been a veggie for nearly 13 years and despite the fact that I recently added fish to my diet so shouldn’t they be fucking happy with that?!

    I usually just offer to drink in volume what I don’t eat in turkey. Works for me!

    Here’s to being hammered with the family on the holidays!! WOO-HOO!!

  3. This is going to be my first thanksgiving with the bf’s family, so I’m going to get all sorts of harassment about being a vegetarian. They are having pot roast or something non-turkey so I’m expecting “oh we should have had turkey so you could eat it” Um no, dipshit, that is not a vegetarian.

  4. Why don’t you eat meat?

    *snickers* 🙂

    Happy Thanksgiving!

  5. but you can eat turkey right? (i’m kidding)

    i have a fake vegetarian friend who allows herself to eat a full thanksgiving meal like a meat eater every year. i say that totally doesn’t count!

    happy thanksgiving chris!

  6. Uncle Gregg. Stupid Jerk!

  7. Hahah. My old roommate and best friend is a vegan, and a guy. Thanksgiving is torture for him. We live in one of those towns where the kids get off Thanksgiving monday for the start of buck season.
    Every year someone asks him, “but you can have stuffing right?”
    No. Not at all.

  8. You will be missed sorely. 😦

    You can still have turkey wings, right? What? There’s barely any meat on wings! Or maybe you can just suck on the wings to get the juices.

    I’m just messin’ with ya’. Have a drunken good time Thursday!

  9. longredcape

    You’re a vegetarian? I had no idea. It only detracts from your manliness minimally though, so that’s a plus.

  10. I don’t mind having vegetarians in the family…more meat for me!

    Hope you have an enjoyable holiday 🙂

  11. I make the whole family come to me, and I don’t provide any of the meat that makes them so happy. They have to bring their own turkey. It doesn’t make the mother in law passive aggressive at all.

  12. You crazy Yanks and your too-close-together holidays… how can any of you even move by January 2nd?

    Oh wait, you’re a vegetarian. I guess celery and yams don’t weigh one down as much as eight pounds of bird.

  13. Just look at it as an excuse to drink more.

    Like you needed one.

  14. I was asked never to bring tofurkey around for thanksgiving ever again. There goes my one shot at trying to fit in with the meat eaters!

  15. I hope someday to be just like Uncle Gregg.

    Especially with my zipper.

  16. deutlich

    Oooh, Happy Thanksgiving!! Have fun w/your pasta. Try not to throw it at the wall.


  17. there should be support group of some kind for us non meat eaters around the holidays. moment of silence for the turkeys and pigs this holiday season (silence)……………………………………………………..

    now bring on the carbs!!!

  18. being veg seems antithetical to everything you stand for. i mean, you’re so MANLY. men love meat!

  19. jay grochalski

    What? no Tofurkey? Shit, i get so drunk on Thanksgiving, i could be eating dirt by the time dinner is served….sometimes i think it might be dirt. fucking dirt. fucking alcoholism.

  20. We always make Tofurkey. We have two vegans and a couple of borderline vegetarians and everyone keeps their pants on and zipped. Even Ken!

    You can totally hang with us.

  21. Matt

    Everyone says thanksgiving is about the turkey.

    Its really about the tequila.

  22. They only give you pasta? Damn…that’s cold. Enjoy it anyway…

  23. my family is cruel to vegetarians. When my sister decided to be vegetarian for one Thanksgiving my mom made her cut up the turkey…..

  24. As another vegetarian I think we’re entitled to at least two pieces of pie. For the extra protein, of course.

  25. Even though I’m no longer a vegetarian, I still rarely ever eat meat so Thanksgiving is all about the pie for me.

    You know what’s great for breakfast? Pie. With a Diet Coke.

  26. wait, but you could still have like a burger or something, right? even if you don’t want turkey? or maybe just a porkchop? that’s ok for you, right?

  27. ben – I’m sure your mom appreciated that.

    word – Woo hoo is right!

    dutchess – First one huh? That’s always fun and never awkward at all.

    marie – Because I hate myself.

    alexa – That friend eats meat other times, I bet you.

    zibbs – You have one too, huh?

    shaba – Buck season? Wow, that poor guy.

    akilah – I plan on it, and you too.

    longred – You want me to lift 10 pounds over my head right now? I’ll do it!

    jenn – That’s how they should all look at it.

    megan – Right, I’m sure she doesn’t curse you behind your back at all.

    aine – No, but the beer does.

    narm – Nope, especially with the slate of games on. Cowboys vs. Seahawks??? Perfect.

    twink – At least they were honest with you.

    arjewtino – Keep reaching for the stars.

    deutlich – I can’t promise anything.

    vanessa – There really should be.

    gina – See, but this makes me mysterious!

    jay – Exactly.

    kristen – I don’t believe you about Ken.

    matt – Right – it’s all about the alcohol.

    lemmonex – I will try my best.

    rachel – Damn!

    meghan – Of course.

    kiala – I can’t wait for pie. Pie!

    beth – Yes of course.

  28. At least you can drink! Happy Thanksgiving!

  29. Hmmm…for the past 2-3 months I haven’t been eating meat but I don’t tell anybody that to avoid 47 questions of why. I just say, “Yeah, I eat meat, I just don’t feel like having any today.”

    It annoys me why this is so offensive to people and why this is so important. I will not starve people. My life will not be incomplete. I just don’t eat it, okay? GET OVER IT!

    /end rant.

  30. I don’t even really like the turkey. It’s all about the mashed potatoes and wine for me. That and my grandpa always bring a can of black olives just for me and nobody else is allowed to touch them. Num.

  31. Ah, I’d almost forgotten about the massive inquisition that happens. I was hardcore vegetarian for 17 years (decided in preschool that meat was icky), and now everyone is beyond thrilled that I will eat a tiny bit of turkey. Is it really that big of a deal??

    Cheers to being too drunk to care.

  32. gabby

    breath gabby breath!!!!! You can do it!! It’s just a couple of days and u can have ur fix of ” surviving myself”. He’ll be back before too long. Plus you’ll be busy cooking and eathing a juicy and deliciuos turkey. Mmmmmmmm good. Happy thanksgiving to all – meateaters and vegetarian!

  33. I can’t tell you how many of my relatives try to sneak meat into my food every year. Like I won’t notice when I’m sick later?

    Why can’t they just leave us alone?!?!

  34. I used to be a vegetarian as well and the “why don’t you eat mean” questions made me want to kill that particular human and eat it. happy Thanksgiving.

  35. Perhaps you should tell Uncle Gregg to “close up shop.” Might work… I don’t know, *shrugs*

  36. You should totally come to my parents’ house afterward, and we’ll get you some veggie food. Have a good holiday!

  37. Everyone has an Uncle Gregg, in my family I call that person, Dad.

  38. I’m surprised that so many people who commented are vegetarian. But not as surprised as I am to hear that YOU are…! Goodness. I couldn’t do it. Especially not on Thanksgiving.

  39. AC to Uncle Gregg: “Dude, I’m a vegetarian. I don’t eat meat. Please put your “cow” back in the barn.”

    Have a fantastic holiday!

  40. Also, it’s H-O-L-I-days, not H-O-I-L-days.

    Muttering to self: poor dummy doesn’t eat meat and can’t spell for shit.

  41. liz

    all i have to say is that the vegetarian’s thanksgiving is so freaking accurate.

    this whole thing made me laugh!

  42. That’s fine!!! More meat for me!!! I’m ALL about the meat!

  43. As a fellow vegetarian (my entire life), I feel your pain. My family doesn’t get it. It’s not just a PC thing, I just literally can’t stand meat. Even as a kid, my folks had to almost shove it down my throat. But somehow 40 years later they still don’t believe that I won’t eat it.

    I park myself next to the dinner rolls and fruit salad and man, I can go to town on those rolls and fruit!!

  44. This year is my first year as a vegan. IT IS GOING TO BE FUN I’M SURE. Where’s the wine?

  45. Happy Thanksgiving!!! At least you can drink. I’m pretty sure my in-laws frown upon it.

  46. Happy Thanksgiving, dude!

    BTW, we all know that you are really the Uncle Gregg in your family. But that doesn’t make the metaphor any less meaningful.

  47. I remember an uncle gregg coming to our family’s parties but he wasn’t related to me and he always accompanied my “real” uncle Larry. My mother would say, “Look at them wrestling” every time they rolled around together on the picnic blanket.

  48. This will be year 13 for me and I still hear it. Followed by why they think they could or couldn’t be a vegetarian.

    Just pass the potatoes, damn it!

  49. I can’t lie, I’m pretty happy right now that I don’t have an uncle Gregg.

    Who spells Gregg with two G’s…I don’t get it.
    I hope you have a wonderful holiday. I don’t like meat much either.

  50. Haha my brother is vegetarian and my parents call themselves “social meat eaters” much in the way that I am a “social drinker”…
    So I know what you go through because i have to witness my brother explain to EVERYONE everytime he eats somewhere.

  51. yay for vegetarians at thanksgiving.

    my family always thinks i am going to starve on this holiday. however, since EVERY single thing except the turkey (and ham, we always have ham) is veg-friendly (ok the stuffing is questionable but i don’t really like it anyway), there is no problem for me finding something to eat.

    and dessert……i live for pumpkin desserts.

  52. have a fabulous thanksgiving away from uncle gregg and his unzipped pants.

  53. Hooray! Happy Peanut Butter Sandwich Day, Chris!!! 😀

    This is my least-favorite holiday too. Veg-heads unite!

    I’m not sure I’ll make it until the 1st… I miss you so much already… sigh…

  54. Can you give uncle gregg my number? he sounds like a hottie.

  55. Can you give uncle gregg my number? he sounds like a hottie.

  56. I was a vegetarian for 10 years, so, yes, I know this well.
    I still think mashed potatoes are the superior Thanksgiving dish, hands down.

  57. I’ll pray for you and uncle gregg wearing underwear.

    As for drinking, eating and watching tv – that’s my ideal way to live right there! I would spend every holiday that way

  58. I hope you have a happy thanksgiving.

  59. BWP

    I’m a vegetarian too and it is one of the many reasons that I am skipping Thanksgiving this year. I will not be skipping the “getting drunk” part, though.

  60. tia

    happy thanksgiving!

    we’ll miss you.

    or me, at least. everyone else sucks.

  61. Turkey is okay but I’m more of a fan of mashed potatoes and pasta!

    Yeah, I’m a carb addict.

  62. Eh… I tried the vegetarian thing for a while and my family wouldn’t shut up about it. All those damn questions and comments.

    I’m not a vegetarian no mo’ and I will be stuffing my face with ham. Glorious ham.

  63. OMG that makes me laugh!

  64. Ha, Uncle Gregg. He’s seems.. to be a.. weird guy?
    Nice blog.

  65. veg here too and i had to explain to about ten different people that i still couldn’t eat the stuffing because it had turkey gravy in it and had BEEN UP A BIRDS ASS!


  66. hahahaha, i hope you had an awesome thanksgiving!

  67. leah

    i stopped eating meat the day before i had to cook a turkey for my husband brothers family, i always hated cutting up meat and the feeling i got through the knife, esp when you hit a bone *shivers*. i went veggie before but this time every time i see meat it makes me quiver. esp the huge carcass people serve at dinner on these holidays. and yet my husband still wants something for christmas. i dont know if i can bare to cook anything he might just have to. people ate meat back in the day because there was a drought in veggies and fruit and had to survive. today we don’t have that problem but people are addicted. i don’t think it’s right to eat something that has a face and heart just to poop it out. LOL

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