easy rider

I’m not a big fan of bikes.

I’m not talking motorcycles, because while I’d love to own one and act all tough while riding one, truth is I’d be scared out of my mind and end up wetting my pants – which I think would drastically take away from my Biker Image.

I’m talking straight bicycles.

Two summers ago Ari and I bought shiny, new bikes and we rode them everywhere.

We’d ride them to the park and laugh at the people who were different than us.

We’d ride them to a local Mexican restaurant, drink margaritas, then Ari would almost crash into parked cars on our way back home.

But that was then and last summer – well, we didn’t ride at all.  And I’m really okay with that.

I just don’t like bikes.  I don’t get them.

I don’t get riding “for the fun of it” and I certainly don’t get riding for competition or exercise.  As far as I’m concerned Lance Armstrong is a complete idiot.

Riding a bike always ends the same way for me: I end up getting bored and thinking, “Well, there’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back.”

When I was a kid the only way I could be coaxed into riding bikes is if we played Top Gun and I could put a baseball card in the spoke so it made that annoying engine sound.  Looking back, I don’t know why my fighter jet required a motorcycle-like sound to function, but back then it was imperative for me.

I didn’t like bikes then and as I’ve aged I still have never developed that love for bikes that most people seem to have.

When someone asks me now if I have a bike and then says, “Don’t you just love riding?” I always shrug my shoulders and reply, “I gotta tell you, I really don’t.  I’d just rather not do it, so let’s just forget the whole thing.”

I’ll walk and I’ll run, but biking is out of the question.  If I wanted to be bored, I’d watch the Food Network.

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50 Comments

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50 responses to “easy rider

  1. Then I recommend you avoid tandem bikes at all costs. Just a suggestion.

    Duly noted.

  2. Thank you sir!

    What really gripes me is “bike gangs”, a Halifax phenomenon of a bunch of pussy-ass emo kids who ride around in matching, tight, zip-up hoodies and talk about feelings.

    One thing that I do like about these guys is that they make me feel really tough.

    Remind me never to move to Halifax.

  3. deutlich

    In Germany, biking is much, much more common than here in the States and I used to go everywhere on my pink bike, including towns miles and miles away. I tried that shit a few years ago and damn near died from the pain of it all

    Exactly.

  4. I wrecked my bike on a mountain when I was in 8th grade… I got an awesome concussion because I flew forward down the mountain and busted my head on a rock.

    I don’t bike anymore and the whole concussion thing…explains a lot about what’s wrong with me.

    Or at least it gives me something to blame my craziness on.

    I’m glad we finally got that straight.

  5. After I graduated from college, my brother and I lived together. I had a bike and he got all fired up about bike riding on day. He took my bike out and brought it back an hour later with the front wheel completely bent. I was all “WTF?” He never did really tell me what happened. And we never spoke of it again.

    Hahaha – you must confront him!

  6. Matt

    In Boulder, CO everyone rides a bike. They ride their bikes in the middle of the fucking street and force me to drive 10mph.

    If you’re going to ride a bike…ride it on the sidewalk or grass or better yet, ride it down a cliff.

    I think you should yell that last sentence at them while you drive by.

  7. I don’t like biking, I don’t like running, I don’t like exercising…

    Walking is okay because it gets me to my fridge.

    Hahaha – well put.

  8. Bike seats hurt my bum. I’d steer clear (pun slightly intended)

    You are a master of the English language.

  9. I hate bikes. They hurt my girl parts and you only get one set of girl parts so you can’t be too careful.

    I completely understand. About the parts.

  10. I liked biking until my bike chain broke and it makes a clicking noise with every pedal. I hate biking when I have no ability to sneak up on unsuspecting victims.

    That’s the best part of biking – sneaking up on people.

  11. I’d like to see some video of Ari’s bike + tequila adventures, preferably something set to the Benny Hill theme.

    Hahaha – that would be the perfect music too.

  12. Eric

    I live about 3 miles from my office and I decided a while ago that with the environment, gas prices and all that other nonsense people would really think I was awesome if I started riding a bike to work. It was the worst year of my life.

    Damn, I would’ve quit after a month.

  13. That is how I feel about running. I hate running. Biking is okay in moderation. The past 2 years I’ve done the MS150 on my bike. It is 150 miles in 2 days and you raise money for the fight against MS. It totally sucks. I’ve decided I’m not doing it again this year. I will raise the money some other way. Talk about swamp ass. Gross.

    Swamp ass is never a good thing. Even Swamp Thing hated swamp ass.

  14. My friend Stacy is a Biker Chick.

    I thought I’d let you know because that makes me pretty cool.

    Clearly.

    You should’ve told me that at dinner!

  15. f.B

    wait. so (normal guy) + (straight bicycle) can’t = (biker dude)?

    excuse me. i need to go drop something off at a scrap heap now

    Sorry man.

  16. idontliketoread

    how much for your bike?

    A hug.

  17. I’m kind of meh! about bikes.

    I wouldn’t even use the exclamation point.

  18. I can’t stand that Paula Deen.

    Her accent makes me homicidal.

    I don’t mind her, Garten is my main enemy.

  19. jay grochalski

    my wife and i bought bikes and never rode them. we left them out for someone to steal…and they did. my life is much better without the bike in it.

    Oh yeah, you leave anything outside in Brooklyn and it will be gone. One time Ari and I bought whole milk by mistake, so we put it out on the sidewalk. Twenty minutes later it was gone.

  20. Woah! Don’t knock the food network man! They’re awesomeness itself!

    I hate it with a passion. Aside from Giada. She’s nice and has nice… recipes.

  21. S

    The power of Tequila…the parked cars stood no chance.

    It was the most hilarious thing ever.

  22. My friend was hit by a car while riding her bike.

    Two years later she is still waiting for her settlement. She has to have oral reconstruction and was out of work for 5 months.

    Bikes: public enemy number one.

    Damn that is fucked up. You should hear how many people get killed here riding them.

  23. We did too ride them this year. You know, the time when I circled the gas pump for five minutes because I couldn’t stop. I’m not sure margaritas were ever really my issue.

    Also, I’m not happy about the Food Network bashing, just so you know.

    Oh that’s right. And yeah, I knew you’d say something about the Food Network.

  24. meagank

    Thank you, sir.

    I will announce this here – I can not ride a bike.

    I had some tragic incidents that have led me to a life of bike-lessness. And I’m okay with that.

    Wow, I am glad you can share. This is a safe place.

  25. Bikes terrify me. No, wait, DRIVERS near my bike terrify me. More bike lanes need to be built and until that happens, my shiny new bike stays in the window at the Schwinn place.

    Good idea.

  26. I broke my arm in 7th grade riding my bicycle. Haven’t done much of it since. I’m with ya man. I just don’t get the joy in that shit.

    No one ever broke their arm walking! Wait. I bet they did. But they were probably a fucking dumbass.

  27. Well, because you’re not using your playing cards in your spokes, could you send them to me? Thanks.

    Yes. Hope you like Snoopy.

  28. Oh, see… I like bikes.

    Our friendship is doomed.

  29. Rollerskates dude. Rollerskates.

    Do I have to learn a dance to use rollerskates?

  30. Whoa, are you commenting back right IN the actual comments?!? My mind is BLOWN.

    When I was a little kid, my brother and I were riding backs down this crazy hill and I had a gnarly crash. My brother, who is an ASS and wasn’t paying attention anyway, ran over my arm and came to a screeching halt… on my cheek! I didn’t get on that stupid bike again for YEARS!

    Also? A biker hit my car the other night! Yes, a biker hit ME!! It was … confusing.

    Damn, you and bikes do not mix.

  31. When I moved here, I bought a bike to “fit in.” But then realized I would have to USE said bike and things changed. It’s hard to ride a bike in a dress. And heels. And after half a bottle of tequila. I think everyone involved is better off if I stick with the car…

    I think you’re right.

  32. tia

    i don’t know how to ride a bike.

    i’m pretty sure that makes me awesome.

    Or weird.

  33. I’m not much for bike riding either. At first, it sounds like a good idea, but then you bike really far away from home and realize that you have to bike all the way back afterwards. Also, I don’t get any sort of instant gratification from riding a bike, it doesn’t feel some great exercise.

    I know, if you run the same distance as you bike, you burn a lot more calories, so why do it?

  34. you all are lying. you love bikes! how can you not?

    also, i don’t believe you just threw lance armstong out to the wolves.

    random story. after college i lived/worked on mackinac island in michigan for 5 months. this island has no cars. zero. none. my ONLY form of transportation was my bike or a horse.

    but a horse is a horse, of course of course.

    Please tell me you rode a horse! That would be pretty cool.

  35. What about unicycles? They are fun. If you like falling down.

    What about two unicycles?

  36. I would seriously rather spend 2 hours on a treadmill than ride a bike. Funny, because when I was a kid I could hardly be separated from it – I rode that thing all over town and back again and I never got bored with it.

    Maybe it’s one of those things whose interest just doesn’t have a very long shelf life. 🙂

    I think you have it figured out.

  37. Fuck, you’ll run? I don’t run unless something is chasing me. And even then it depends on what/who is chasing me. A small bunny? I might trot, but I’m not gonna break a sweat, youknowwhatImean?

    Anyway, this is all to say, uh, I’m sorry I’ve been a terrible visitor/commenter lately. It’s not you, baby, it’s me, I promise. Just haven’t been doing well at keeping up with the blogging scene. I hope you’ll forgive me. And if not? You know what? Fuck you. Burn in hell.

    Apology accepted.

  38. Kez

    Bicycling (oops should have just said cycling – too late – backspace is too hard) is just such hard work. A bicycle is just extraneous apparatus. Not convenient at all. Which is why my bike is still at my parents’ house getting all spiderwebby and my mum is always on my back saying “We’re gonna give your bike back – just you wait!”
    But she knows she’s got it forever…

    Like Will Smith said before he turned into a jackass – parents just don’t understand.

  39. I don’t ride bikes — especially because of the required attire. Trust me – no one wants to see my ass in spandex. Come to think of it — I really don’t want to see any guy sporting spandex.

  40. I had a bike in college and I loved it because I didn’t have to rely on crappy public transport (until it really snowed) and it got my legs in shape. But I think I look like a d-bag on them with my chest flopping about while I lean forward. But that’s just a girl thing.

  41. You’re just not watching the right food network shows – you should be watching Giada. She’s always cleavage-tastic.

  42. Eeek. Makes me genuinely sad to see the tag about Ina. She is lovely and responsible for rouhgly 70% of cakes at my house. And it’s a good thing when there’s cake at my house. Nothin against bikes, nothin against cake and I can’t even go listen to the new Common to feel better about the world. Sigh.

  43. i don’t ride bikes, i’ve had too many bad experiences to make me want to do it again. shudder.

  44. It sounds like me and running. I just don’t understand people who do it for fun. For health, sure, but for fun???

  45. I used to ride bikes, when I was a kid.

    And then I forgot how. Seriously.

    That adage? total bullshit.

  46. Tara

    Chris,

    Here is a little early Christmas present from me and the writers of US Magazine. Enjoy!

    http://www.usmagazine.com/node/8855?slideshow_id=884

    (“Kim Kardashian’s Best Booty Shots”)

  47. Sounds like you need to get yourself a segway.

  48. Bikes are awesome. I guess you can’t join my bike gang now.

  49. ML

    it could be worse. you could be AFRAID of riding a bicycle. …like me. 😦

  50. you’re one of those people that doesn’t move to the side when a bike is coming your way, aren’t you?

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