things can be better

Wedding pictures are boring and cheesy.  Everyone knows this.

There’s the one where the bride is looking away in the distance.  There’s the one with the groom kissing the bride as the fake wind blows.  And then there’s the one with the woman crying because she’s finally realized that she can’t change her man and he will always watch TV in his underwear when her friends are visiting.

They are all terrible and in the end everyone wishes that they didn’t have to pose for any of them.

Of course I have the solution to this, because I am A Thinker.

I’ve decided that for my wedding pictures, I will have an angry falcon airbrushed onto my shoulder in every photo.

That’s right.

Not just a falcon.  Anyone could think of that idea.

An angry falcon.

I can even show you how amazing this idea is.

Here is a photo of Ari and I looking normal:

Awww... love and rainbows and kittens.

Awww... love and rainbows and kittens.

Boring!  Right?

Now here is one of us with an angry falcon:

Something is awesome - perhaps it's the angry falcon???

Something is awesome - perhaps it's the angry falcon???

I bet you didn’t even know angry falcons looked like that, did you?  Well they do. But only the really pissed off ones.  That’s why you probably thought it looks vaguely like a parrot.

Now I ask you – which picture do you prefer?  The choice is clear.

Of course when I mentioned this idea to Ari, she laughed nervously and said something about “not remembering this idea,” but I think that means she thinks it’s perfect and we’ll do it.

Don’t you?


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73 responses to “things can be better

  1. Gimme that angry falcon.


    You can borrow him for a month.

  2. Omg, I was first. Why am I up already?

    I’ll tell you why. Poopy kitten in my face. That’s right. A kitten with poop on it. In my face.

    Good morning!

    Hahaha – it’s not really good though, is it?

  3. You know what’s better than angry falcons? Having me stand in the background in each picture, acting like I am totally dying inside since you are getting married to someone else. I can hold a bottle of wine and have bra straps showing as I cry on everyone’s shoulders;

    “Why didn’t he love me enough?!”

    Yes! This is a great idea.

  4. Hahahahahaha… Just offer her to get a cute butterfly on her head, she’ll agree.

    Or an angry butterfly!

  5. You know…that angry falcon really does enhance the picture. You should probably copyright this idea. Before you know it, wedding photographers nationwide will be offering the Angry Falcon package.

    Fucking bastards.

  6. I think you’re onto something here.

    Oh I definitely am. What do you think this blog is – some sort of joke land??? This is serious business.

    Please take me to Joke Land.

  7. Hmm, I don’t know. I think some pirates may have wedding pictures with an idea similar to that…

    I’ll fight them to the death.

  8. Ben

    Steal that half-robot/half-bird/all-badass hawk from Silverhawks. You’ll totally eclipse the bride and isn’t that the point of the wedding?

    +1,347 for the Silverhawks reference.

  9. Um, you may want someone who has photoshop skills to do that for you.

    Just sayin’.

    No way. I am an artiste!

  10. That angry falcon has his ass right in your ear! What a “party pooper”!

    His poop tastes like donuts though, so it’s all good.

  11. deutlich

    I was just going to ask if you had run this idea past Ari yet…

    Also? An angry otter would be better. Or a tucan!

    Hmm… An angry otter does sound intriguing.

  12. Matt

    does the falcon have large talons?

    I dont see a big deal here. It’s not like your putting the angry falcon on her shoulder…

    I knew you’d agree with me here.

    Also – You know, there’s like a boat-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I’m pretty good with a bow staff.

  13. Far

    it would be better if the angry falcon was facing you and gnawing at your head… just sayin

    But my beautiful face would be hidden!

  14. it really gives your picture that extra something special.

    I know!

  15. RB

    It might be best if you actually replaced your own head with the angry falcon. Then you also avoid looking at your wedding pictures years later and getting depressed about many wrinkles you’ve acquired.

    That is something to consider. Or maybe even replace my hands with talons!

  16. I would go with a pink angry falcon it will add a dash more pizazz to the photo.

    Everyone knows pink talons aren’t angry though, they’re happy.

  17. My dad was a wedding photographer when I was little, and I remember him telling a story about how the groom was a total douchebag to him and so he arranged the light so that there was a big sunburst coming out his crotch.

    Maybe Ari would like that idea better, but for the record I think the angry falcon is totally the way to go.

    You know, my crotch is pretty special…

  18. You could even expand on the idea and play the “where’s the angry falcon” game.

    Instead of constantly placing him on your shoulder in every picture, hide him in various spots. In the picture where the bride is looking off in the distance…have the falcon peeking out from under Ari’s dress…

    You’re welcome.

    Thank you!

  19. She only claims now not to remember the idea because it is so super-awesome and she obviously wants to claim it as her own idea at some point in the future.

    She is selfish like that.

  20. I think Ari only claims to not remember the idea is because she obviously want to have the falcon/ parrot on her own shoulder.

    Of course.

  21. ken

    why is the falcon fluorescent green? is it an angry _nuclear_ falcon?

    Yes that too.

  22. i didn’t realize that an angry falcon looked so much like an angry toucan sam.

    I know, it’s weird right?

  23. rachel

    I really like ss+1’s idea, sort of a “Find the Falcon” ode to Waldo…and I thought long and hard about Kristen’s, but wouldn’t a ray of light coming from a guy’s crotch be a positive adornment?

    I know, that’s what I was thinking. It would make it look like a Jesus crotch.

  24. You should have a freaked out field mouse on Ari’s shoulder and the angry falcon coming in for the kill over your shoulder.

    It’s like a metaphor. Or something.


    If not in the pictures than maybe a tableau for the cake top.

    Oh I like that – action photos!

  25. Um…I think you lost all credibility with this one. If your goal was to relinquish any wedding planning responsibility, I think you did it.

    You’re just jealous you and your husband didn’t have this, aren’t you?

  26. Wait. Can we all draw angry falcons on our shoulders in pictures one day and post them?

    It can be like angry falcon day.

    Dude – I would love that!

  27. My money is on that Ari is just teying to win time to come up with her own piece of awesomeness for all photos of her. So you might want to keep that angry falcon of yours prepared for a fight.

    Oh he is ready, ready to attack at any moment!

  28. Are you going to get angry falcons that match the colour of the bridesmaids dresses? I think Ari would be cool with it then.
    Oh and I’m planning your bachelor party on my blog.

    I will run that idea past her.

  29. i think you should have a different shitty photoshopped animal in every picture. keep ’em guessing!

    my services are available at very affordable rates.

    I’ll have my people call your people.

  30. also, your blog. first thing i’ve done this monday morning. i told you i know what’s cool.

    You are too kind.

  31. I agree. Wedding pictures suck. I like your thinking- we might have to have an angry falcon on Dustin’s shoulder. Or maybe one in my hair?

    Why not do both?

  32. You are an arteest, my friend. An arteest!

    My talent is the only thing that exceeds my passion.

  33. Falcons look suspiciously like toucans. Thanks for letting me in on that little secret!

    I am a servant of the people.

  34. You should airbrush some angry falcon shit on your shoulder. That’d be even better.


  35. The angry falcon needs a bow tie or a top hat. It is way more wedding appropriate.

    Yes – good idea.

  36. Why would you save this awesome idea for wedding pictures? All pictures, from this point forward, shall include said angry falcon.

    We should get Obama to pass this as law.

  37. S

    Perhaps if Ari had a BIGGER drink in her hand she would agree with this masterful idea.

    Or a roofie in the small drink.

  38. Ari-I am sorry.

    I think you mean – “Ari – I am so extremely jealous.”

  39. rachel

    don’t you mean a “Messiah” crotch? 😉

    Oh right, thanks for reminding me!

  40. You obviously need my assistance. I will photoshop an angry falcon on your shoulder for you. It will not look like a parrot, although I may be inclined to put a patch over your eye and give you Captain Sparrow dreadlocks for kicks.

    That would be fine with me.

  41. Yes, I think I remember reading somewhere that the angry falcon (scientific name falconius angricus) is the perfect antidote for “love and rainbows and kittens” pictures.

    Thanks for supplying the scientific name, I couldn’t find it anywhere!

  42. You might – just maybe – have a little too much time on your hands.

    A little too much time for being awesome!

  43. i’m glad you realized your inability to accurately portray an angry falcon via MS Paint. because the whole time i was looking at that photo, i kept wondering if you knew the difference between a falcon and a parrot.

    I like to think of it as abstract art.

  44. Oh wow – at first I thought it was a pterodactyl but then I realized it was at least 4x’s scarier than that. Angry falcons ARE scary.

    So fucking scary.

  45. I think it would be even better if it were flexing its winged arm, using the American Sign Language symbol for, “You don’t want none of this, sucker. Best to keep movin’.”

    Still, this is an excellent plan.

    I like your idea, I’ll put in that part for the honeymoon photos.

  46. Those photos would have been better with you showing off your beard with no shirt on.

    It’s the thought that counts.

    That makes no sense.

    I didn’t get it either, aside from you wanting to see me with my shirt off.

  47. Jess

    That’s an angry falcon? coulda fooled me :p

    It looks like I did! Or something.

  48. I totally like the angry falcon look. The contrast between the angry and the happy… That falcon really knows how to express its anger.

    He’s in touch with his inner falcon.

  49. That falcon is hot. I love it. I totally think Ari agrees too, she is just hoping you’ll forget it and then she can bring it back up later to claim it as her idea. She’s a smart cookie.

    Very smart indeed.

  50. I don’t think your angry falcon looks like a toucan, but I do think he (or she?) looks like an angry magpie. I think Heckle…but it could be Jeckle. “Angry Magpie” actually sounds kind of badass.

    It does.

  51. hmm,the falcon doesn’t seem angry enough. how about rabid squirrel? that would be awesome.

    Maybe I could add some rabid foam to his beak?

  52. Why is the falcon angry?

    One does not question the motivations of the falcon.

  53. Kez

    Thanks for making me laugh this morning. Mostly at you and not with you though, but it made me happy nonetheless!
    I really think that “falcon” is really quite cute and not angry at all. I think out of consideration for Ari you should at least make sure it’s dressed in a tux to mark the special occasion…

    We shall see.

  54. She should have something photoshopped on her too. Maybe a dinosaur? You guys could have dueling dinosaurs!

    You just blew my mind.

  55. Ben

    Dude. I have the entire Silverhawks series (65 episodes) on cheap, internet-ripped DVDs. BOW DOWN BEFORE ME.

    How about a high five instead?

  56. Storm

    Yes, yes – BRILLIANT idea! If only I’d thought of it first. Darn you Chris! Darn you to heck!

    Is heck worse than hell?

  57. tia

    i think your angry falcon could actually double as a disgruntled parrot.

    and THEN what?

    Then I become president.

  58. Goose

    I want to state for the record, the Angry Falcon is a much better picture than my CT traffic one. Magnificent!

    Thank you, I tried hard.

  59. hahahahahahaha. I have no comment other than that. Just…. hahahahaha.

    Thanks! That’s the best kind of comment.

  60. Not sure I’d want to be the one responsible for scrubbing the angry Falcon poo off your shirt, tho.

    It’s an honorable job, I promise you.

  61. That IS an awesome angry, green falcon.

  62. i vote for the angry falcon. it adds pizazz.

  63. I’m almost totally following you, but why is the falcon green?

  64. I’m with you. I’m afraid that i’ll be laughing in each and every wedding picture of mine. I can’t be serious. My favorite picture of Samir and I has a dinosaur in it.

    Maybe that’s the solution!

  65. When you said this, I was imagining having an angry falcon TATTOO airbrushed on your shoulder, which would be equally bad ass.

  66. Oh, but I was also imagining ripped sleeves in your wedding pictures so you could show it off–that was the bad ass part.

  67. It might also be worth considering the airbrushing of panties outside everyone’s clothing.

  68. E.V

    A FALCON??? oh…is that what it was? I thought it was a keyhole that somebody shoved a wedge of cheese thru.

    But ok, yeah I see it now.


  69. I knew you had some Paint skills. I vote yes on the angry falcon in wedding pictures. That or a jackal just because I like saying jackal.

  70. Dave and I have agreed that this is quite possibly the best idea ever.

  71. Unfortunately, women never change either and they get their way when it comes to the wedding day. Caw!

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