This morning on the way to the gym, I got a text from a friend that informed me that Eddie Murphy had signed on to star in the next Batman movie as the Joker.

Naturally, this threw my world into complete chaos.

Throughout my workout, all I could think about was how Murphy was going to ruin everything and how I’m not racist dammit but how the hell can the Joker go from being a white dude to a black dude and that make any sense at all???

As I finished pumping iron (which is a technical term for lifting weights) I came to the only possible conclusion that I could come to – I had to kill Eddie Murphy.

The plan I came up with went like this: Show up at his house – which is easy because he lives in Jersey – ring the doorbell, and when he answered yell, “Dude Beverly Hills Cop was awesome but you can’t do this to my Batman!” Then stab him with my pen.  Which I’ll use because, well, I don’t own a knife.  Also knives can be scary.

I had the plan all ready to go when I arrived at the office.

There I saw my friend who had informed of this travesty to begin with, so of course I started ranting and raving (and maybe waving my arms around like a mad man) about how I thought Murphy playing the Joker was basically the Worst Thing Ever.

At that moment he looked at me and said, “Oh, no wait.  He’s playing the Riddler. I must have sent it wrong in the text.”

I was relived, and I’m sure Eddie is glad too, even though he had no idea he was about to die by Bic to the head.

But then I remembered that Shia Labeouf is reportedly going to play Robin, and Robin is just the stupidest character ever, so now I have to kill him instead.


Filed under Uncategorized

64 responses to “homicide

  1. Maybe it’s just time for the Batman franchise to die.

    You are insane.

  2. If people only realized how close to being murdered they were everyday the world would be a little bit happier.

    I recommend killing Labeouf by stabbing him in the heart with an icicle. It’s a good seasonal weapon and it should melt leaving no murder weapon and no finger prints. If he doesn’t play Robin he at least deserves it for his part in the last Indiana Jones.

    That’s true, he was in the last Indiana, so that’s grounds right there.

  3. You know I love me some Eddie Murphy but I think that he can single handedly tank any movie…I think in your hit list you need to reinstate EM and death by Bic.

    Just in case.

    I think maybe you’re right.

  4. I wouldn’t believe everything The Sun newspaper says.
    In fact, I personally would take what that paper says and do the opposite.

    Which would mean that Judge Reinhold is playing the Riddler.

    But IF it is true, I’m sure Murphy has an outfit back form his RAW days that will fit the role.

    I bet Judge would be great! Right?

  5. This should be quite interesting. I just don’t know tho.

    I think he could do a good job, actually.

  6. Matt

    Robin is the stupidest character ever. His whole family was probably assistant pimps. He just co-signs to the shit Batman says.

    Robin almost ruined Batman back in the day. Fucking hate him.

  7. Oh, watch your back if you kill Shia. Teenage girls across the country will be after you next.

    Then I’ll just throw some Twilight books at them, that’ll give me time to get away.

  8. I am now going to be your alibi. We were singing karaoke at some secret Japanese Saki bar in my town.

    Can we still do that in real life?

  9. shia is terrible anyway so i think it’s okay that he plays a role that fits.
    and it took me a while to really envision the scenario you painted… i always confuse Eddie Murphy with Jamie Foxx for some reason : )

    Oh man. Foxx is way worse than Murphy.

  10. Oh. My. God. This post made my effin’ day! 😉 I’m going to print it and post it up in my office and warn people not to piss me off because now I know that a Bic can be a mortal weapon!

    I bet you have the best day of work in a long time.

  11. I once killed a hobo with a pen. Our secret.

    As your Jewish friend, I promise I won’t rat you out.

  12. Holy sock puppets! You do have to take out Labeouf. For many reasons. The number one being Robin sucks.

    And what about the Depp?! I read somewhere that Johnny was supposed to be Riddler?!


    Depp annoys me.

  13. Please tell me you are taking a moment to be a “Jokester” and Eddie isn’t really playing the Riddler!!

    That’s what the rumor is – he signed a contract.

  14. Nothing like discussing your plans to kill people on the Internet. Oh so wise, ha.

    Whoa, and the above comment says Johnny Depp as Riddler… SUCH A BETTER IDEA!

    Eh, I think Murphy could do a good job if he dedicates himself to it.

  15. If someone kills you with a pen, you know you have really made it in the world.

    Will you kill me that way then?

  16. No! NO! They can’t put a Robin in these new Batman movies!! What the hell is wrong with these people?! Ugh.

    My thoughts exactly.

  17. Don’t hate me for asking this, but why do we need more Batman movies?

    I hate you.

  18. Um I’m pretty sure Eddie Murphy still needs to be killed. I don’t care what character he plays, please remove him from the planet. Any word yet on if he is planning to play the Riddler’s wife and fat child too? Because that would really just solidify the need for assassination.

    Hahaha – nice.

  19. Worst friend ever.

    Maybe I should just kill him instead?

  20. I’ll help you off Laboeuf.

    See that? I said “off” instead of “kill”. Also, I referred to him by his last name. This is because I’m hardcore.

    You’re like an assassin! Or something dangerous!

  21. If you kill Shia, my girlfriend would never forgive you.

    I, however, would throw you a parade.

    Tell your girlfriend I said I’m sorry.

  22. Shia Leboeuf as Robin? Well, that makes sense. If you must get a boring character played, then you look for a boring actor.

    Yeah, that’s what I was thinking too. But man, Robin??? Really???

  23. Red

    Shia’s kinda cute. Don’t kill him.

    I’m sad Heath Ledger isn’t here to play the Joker anymore because he was _so effing good_!

    He better win the Oscar.

  24. I heard Spencer Pratt was playing Robin.

    And Heidi is Catwoman!

  25. Shia LaBoeuf? Are you sure he isn’t playing the Frank Miller Carrie Kelly girl version of Robin?

    She was kinda hot.

  26. I carry a pen with me at all times, because I never know when I’ll run across someone who needs a Bic through the temple.

    PLUS, you can carry them on planes (and also sometimes knitting needles or crochet hooks, depending on your ability to create a scarf or hat on command). You know, to fight off the terrorists.

    Can you make a scarf on command? Do it…. N.. Not yet… Now!

  27. bwp

    Before I got to the part where your friend typed it wrong, I was yelling and shaking my fists at the sky. Phew, that was close.

    That’s exactly what I was doing.

  28. And this is why I should not get my news from blogs. I was giving Steve the live report as I read — Eddie Murphy is playing THE JOKER! Steve then picked up a pen and started boarding a plane to New Jersey. And then I got to the bottom and now things are (somewhat) peaceful around my house.

    But Steve is still on his way to Jersey.

  29. Robin isn’t so bad. He could be Batman’s footstool or coatholder or shield from Hot Fire or something like that.


  30. I might be the only person on the planet who hasn’t seen Dark Knight, so I’m not really sure how Eddie Murphy will effect the film.

    Do you think he’d wear the red leather suit he donned in Delirious?

    That would be funny.

    If so, I would have to stop you from killing Eddie.

    SHUT UP. You haven’t seen Dark Knight???

  31. Wow. I thought we had luckily evaded the role of Robin. There have been so many great Batman movies w/o him that I don’t think we need him AT ALL. Especially Shia. Ew. And is Robin gay? B/c he’s always on Batman’s ass. Oh no wait, I’m thinking of the Ambiguously Gay Duo… Uncanny likeness btwn Robin and them really.

    I know, I thought we were in the clear too.

  32. The Sun is a piece of crap. This story has already been confirmed to be total crap. As far as I know, Nolan hasn’t even confirmed he’s doing another one yet (which he undoubtedly will, but they can’t really ‘confirm’ stars until they’ve announced the film).

    You mean I shouldn’t trust everything I read in tabloids???

  33. DC comics characters should not be played by comedians. Please eliminate any that do.

    I really think he’d be okay.

  34. Storm

    Eddie Murphy would make an awful Riddler, too. He just needs to quit trying already, and just stick to “Donkey” and other voice over work.

    And fat suits! Like Beth said.

  35. jay grochalski

    okay–this news hit me like a ton of bricks. i loved batman begins and the dark knight. they were the kind of batman movies they should’ve been making back when burton and joel schumacher helped kill the franchise. but Eddie Murphy as the riddler? shia labeuouf? or however you say his name….so we get another batman and robin duo who look like a couple of dandies shacking up together? ugh. robin, at least at first, should be played by a kid….not a 24 year old. these movies reek of comic book crap. i mean i’m fine with Rachel Wiez….however, she’s much better naked in movies.

    Well, hopefully the Robin crap is a rumor, but you never know.

  36. Much as I love some good comic book movies, they shouldn’t make another Batman. No way in hell they beat Dark Knight. Just let that franchise end on a high note.

    And start praying Watchmen works out.

    I saw a new Watchmen trailer at the beginning of Quntam of Solace and it looks like it’ll be as good as promised.

  37. Well, he can’t be any worse than Jim Carrey, right? Then again, I haven’t seen Pluto Nash, Life, Meet Dave, or Norbit.

    Oh! Maybe Eddie will play his own henchmen in fat suits! That would be hilarious! Just like the 1,000,000 other times he’s done that!

    That’s true – no one could be worse than Carrey.

  38. I didn’t even know they were making another batman movie.

    So, whatever that means.

    Hahaha – I imagine you saying that in a very monotone way.

  39. Super funny and I am soooo relieved that it’s not true! The rest of the movie cast so far sounds lame though. Don’t use your bic on Shia though, we may need you Johhny Depp may decide to sing again.

    Depp has an album? No way. Really???

  40. jay grochalski

    the Robin crap is just the beginning of the iceberg with this rumor. fucking eddie murphy. someone should’ve put that poor bastard out to pasture after Boomerang

    I know, that was the last acceptable movie he was in.

  41. k8

    I just stopped reading when you said you went to the gym to workout. In the morning.

    I fail at that.

    I am shamed.

    I am stupid about going to the gym – I’m the one who should be ashamed.

    I love that you go into a fit of rage about one thing and once that is settled there is DEFINITELY another thing to get upset about!

    I like angry people.

    Hahaha – I didn’t even think of that.

  43. S

    I now have a new respect for Bic pens.

    This may change the world as I know it.

    Oh it will.

  44. Ben

    Please be joking. Please tell me they’re not adding a Robin. Is this the same Dark Knight/Batman Begins series? Are they really going to go all homoerotic with Robin and a villain in a green onesie?

    It is a rumor, but yes, that’s what it seems like.

  45. rs27awesome

    I aint gonna fall for no banana in the tailpipe. Oh yes you are Eddie, yes you are.

    Didn’t Christian Bale say he would quit if there was a Robin?

    Did he? I really hope he did.

  46. wasn’t the riddler white too???

    or is that all part of the riddle?

    Hahaha – it’s all part of the riddle!

  47. I think these rumors are all untrue, and if that is so, there are many better targets for your pen.

    That’s true – I need to start a list.

  48. Holy crap that was funny!


  49. No one can play the Joker after Heath Ledger.

    NO ONE.

    And if Robin is so stupid, why don’t you just let that stupid little actor play him, and they can all just go to hell???

    Riddle me THIS.

    Hahaha – nice.

  50. I think this is the worst casting ever. All I can see is the Nutty Professor in the Joker suit.

    But he’s the Riddler. That’s what the post says at the bottom.

  51. Go ahead and get a whole pack of pens ready for The Beef. That guy just needs to be gone.

  52. yeah i hope that all of the speculations are wrong so far. no eddie and no shia, ugh.

    please don’t ruin a good franchise mr. nolan, thanks.

  53. E.V

    Bic’s aren’t pointy enough to get thru Shia LaBeouf’s thick skull.

    Go with a fountain pen…trust me on that!

  54. I’m thinking maybe it’s Batman’s turn to die.

  55. Jess

    do you reply to every comment?

    my you must have time on you’re hands!

    I haven’t even seen the batman movie yet. I’m afraid it won’t live up to it’s hype.

  56. How is that better? Who cares if Eddie Murphy plays a guy reading the paper in the background of a Batman movie??? He has a place in Hollywood – but not in Gotham.

  57. if loving shia is wrong, i don’t want to be right.

    even steven’s for life!

  58. go………………..BATMAN!!

  59. I can really see you being a Bic assassin. I can also see them sponsoring you for that specific purpose.

    I say you go through with the Bic kill on Shia LaBeouf.

  60. tia

    figuring out who to kill is SO HARD.

  61. I completely agree with Eddie Murphy playing any part in a Batman movie. Name 1 movie he didn’t ruin with his annoying voice/laugh and his inability to be only 1 character.
    How can Batman go from making the best possible version of itself (The Dark Knight), to making the biggest mistake of it’s existence.

  62. The Dark Knight sucked.

  63. and yet another batman franchise begins its slow descent into shit

  64. La Douche is playing Robin? Miz.

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