here we go again

Do you hear that?

Somewhere, a stapler is being used.

Somewhere, an elevator button is being pressed with a little more anger than usual. And everywhere, across this entire nation, people are dying inside.

You want a day of mourning?  That’s today – the Monday after the new year, when everyone ventures back into the office, and stares at their computer with hatred usually reserved for people who wear turtlenecks.

Today, in Blue Rapids, Kansas, Kathy is going to tell Tim about her dog for the 457th time.

In Baltimore, Maryland, Dan will spill his coffee on the counter top and not clean it up (then blame Gary because no one likes Gary anyway, mainly because “Gary” is such a creepy name) for the 92nd time.

In Eastport, Maine, Pete is going to tell his friend “Happy New Year,” and his friend will reply, “I hate that sentence. It’s completely false. There’s nothing happy, or new about this year.  My wife still left me for that dude who owns a gas station, my hair is still falling out and I am still unable to do simple math without using my fingers.  You want to tell me something?  Say, ‘Welcome to the beginning of the calendar year.’ That’s accurate. Because, Pete, there is nothing new, and there is certainly nothing happy about today.”

Everywhere across the United States people are sad, angry and depressed today, and they have every right to be.

So welcome back my friends.  I wish I could say it’s going to get better, but,  you know, that’s not really my thing.


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71 responses to “here we go again

  1. Ben

    I presume today will be the day that I realize how much alcohol became an unseen habit as I attempt to survive a day sober.

    Doing without those oven-heated hors d’oeuvres will suck too.

    Making it through a day sober is not easy, good luck. I know I’m going to struggle.

  2. We feel your pain in the UK. Today, in Brighton, Justine has just realised that finding a half-eaten tube of Pez in her desk drawer at work will be the highlight of her week.

    Share some?

  3. i dunno… i personally have mixed emotions about this day. working from home makes it so much more enjoyable but our company email servers still being down and going on a week now… well, that makes it a little bit harder. either way it’ll be nice to know what day of the week it is again without having to count back to the last known calendar day based on your last day of “real work”

    No way. I hate today. I think I dislike my job more than you do yours.

  4. i was in a relatively decent mood/frame of mind until i read this . . . thanks

    You’re welcome.

  5. Today’s the day I have to start keeping my resolutions.

    I kind of already broke one.

    I was supposed to be drunk by 9:00 this morning, but I’m only halfway through this Boone’s Farm.

    It’s because you’re drinking Boones. You need something more stiff – like a 40.

  6. idontliketoread

    yes I hate my life as well, but this last comment from Rachel has inspired me, I will be drunk by lunch.

    Well done old friend. Well done indeed.

  7. Matt

    How did you get apollocreed to show up on the address bar?

    That may be the coolest thing you have ever done.

    You can do it too – it’s somewhere in the settings. I totally forget how I did it though.

  8. today sucks.

    Yes and yes.

  9. A five day work week is just wrong.



  10. you’re right.

    except that my dad’s name is gary.


  11. It could be worse. At least you didn’t go into work when everyone and their mother were off during the holidays.

    Yes, that would be me.

    Oh damn, I’m so sorry.

  12. mmg

    That was incredibly uplifting. Thank you!

    This is what I do – I brighten days.

  13. thanks man. at least you understand the way things really work.

    You and me both.

  14. You make a very valid point!

    1st, welcome back.

    2nd, try mace. A few squirts in the enemies eyes will surely brighten your first day back!

    Thanks, and I’ll have to go to my local mace dealer during lunch then.

  15. Sigh.

    *crosses Gary off her list of potential baby names.*
    *pencils “burn turtlenecks” into her planner for today.*

    But at least you’re still pretty!

  16. I know four Gary’s. All are weird. Astute observation.

    Be wary of them.

  17. Meghan

    Wow, you just made me hate myself. I’m wearing a turtleneck, and I just wished a happy new year to my boss. His name is Gary and he just got divorced. Shit.

    Hahaha – awesome.

  18. somewhere in cleveland, ohio a girl named alexa laughed at your blog for the 734th time.

    You’re too kind.

  19. OMG! You are so right! It’s happening to me right now. I had 30 peaceful minutes before they started coming at me. And you know, these people have worked with me for 9 years, you’d think they’d know by now not to talk to me until Wed.

    They won’t learn until you bring violence into the relationship. That’s what my Dad taught me at least.

  20. Suddenly, I feel really, really good about being employed. I hear that drawing pogey is the new earning a living.

    And I don’t even know what a “pogey” is, so that can’t mean good things for me.

  21. I haven’t had a real job in two years.

    But Dane had to go into the office today, so…well, basically I won’t be picking up after him all day.


    You’re a lucky woman.

  22. At least you are back to brighten my days.

    God, that was corny. I am trying to be more optimistic. I don’t think it suits me.

    It doesn’t – you’re like me – we need to be as cynical as possible to thrive.

  23. So very true. I may have returned to the work-world one week ago, but today has that awful sting of knowing May will be the next time I see a paid day off. Boo.

    Work sucks.

    I am crying.

  24. I’m surprisingly non-depressed. That might change after lunch duty with the 6th graders, but for now I’m okay.

    Good luck.

  25. ken

    hey, kiala told me i actually look good in turtlenecks.

    Well, she’s a good looking woman, so I’d listen to her and ignore me.

  26. Wendy

    Gary IS a pretty creepy name.

    I know, it is so weird.

  27. In Seattle, Washington Megan makes her new year a little more bearable by adding bailey’s to her morning coffee.


  28. deutlich

    today bites a big fat one.

    Hell yes it does.

  29. I also blame Gary for all the interporn on the staff computers and the stolen lunch bags.

    Right, well at least you, I mean Gary, likes big butt porn like me.

  30. YOU’RE BACK! you may hate your life, but mine just improved with this new development. email to come.


  31. Hahahahaaa, I have hilarious stories about the name “Gary”.


  32. You know how I’m not drinking alcohol? On New Year’s I woke up and clutched my head and thought, god I feel bad. And then realized I actually didn’t. Ghost hangover.


  33. Damn. It’s depressing how right you are.

    I know, sorry.

  34. Today will be the first day in over a week that I am completely sober…that saddens me a little. Well except I thing champagne is still coming out of my pores.

    Its the saddest day of the year.

    Me too, being sober is not easy.

  35. I don’t know how I am going to make it thru today, let alone this whole week in the office.

    Oh dear god – four more days of this!

  36. I ran out of oatmeal today.

    I’m not sure what this says about the new year.

    Nothing good.

  37. This mindset plus my little guy waking up crying with a stuffy nose was JUST ENOUGH to talk myself into staying in bed. The perfect way to start off the new work year, I might add.

    Oh yes, sounds perfect.

  38. you are hilarious. I hope you had a lovely vacay.

    Thanks, I did actually.

  39. Wow I didn’t realize the entire country was going to take the Phins loss this hard.

    We cry tears for Peezy.

  40. That’s actually the best thing to happen in Baltimore today. Everything else involves crack, STDs, and crack-based STDs.

    Oh and strip clubs!

  41. Did you hear that? It’s the sound of me once again *not* punching my co-workers in the mouth.

    Happy New Year!

    Nice work.

  42. I think you are like one of the top 5 funny people I know! I had no idea people across America were feeling so sad. Maybe that’s because I worked Christmas and New Year’s Eve and Day so my sympathy is not quite there!

    Now how do I crack the top three?

  43. I too can not do simple math without using my fingers… I hate myself

    *Bon Don*

    I’m in the same boat.

  44. thank you for reminding me that i’m a failure. i was beginning to think otherwise.

    I’m here for you.

  45. Hee hee! I’ve missed you and your view on the world. And I totally enjoy your over reactive behavior.

    I think we’d be good friends in real life!

    Happy New Year!

    (I couldn’t help myself)

    Over reactive??? I don’t know what you’re talking about!!!

  46. thanks for that real pick me up of a post! ha. I think we’re all having a serious case of the Mondays…big time. I just wrote today’s post about it.

    I am a helper.

  47. yes. back to work. poo.

    but totally hilarious post.


  48. i’ve pondered gary’s all day thanks to you and know 2 with 2 r’s (garry) who are decent gentlemen but complete dorks . . . i once dated a gary and refused to use his name so called him jesus (as in christ) and still do to this day.

    Two r’s??? He’s the devil.

  49. If it’s any consolation, the people of scotland feel the same.

    It probably isn’t any consolation. But it’s true! I’ve never seen so many depressed looking people in one place. Except possibly church.

    Hahaha – yes, church is the worst.

  50. Dude, I had a little sumpin’ sumpin’ with a guy named Gary, and he is AWESOME!!!

    So there.

    Also, welcome to the beginning of the calendar year.

    (I’m too lazy to look back and see if anyone else said but, even if they did, it’s still true.)

    No one else said it, so you’re a pioneer!

  51. Preaching to the choir, my friend. Preaching to the choir.


  52. I’m easing in. Booze in my coffee, booze with lunch. To make up for being awake before 11. It’s working. My office does feel all warm and cozy. How long before they notice I’m not productive?

  53. Since I am the only one here that isn’t working this week either, I’ll just quietly slink into the corner with my cocktail and try to avoid your hateful stares in my direction.
    Happy New Year!!

    (I know I will be getting a swirlie and/or dead rodent in the mail from one of you for my gloating, but I’m too busy not working to care.)

  54. Not one person in my office today made any mention of New Year’s. Not one.

    Except me.

    I, apparently, am the office Gary.

  55. I know two Garys. One nice. One kind of peculiar. Let that be a warning to all of you. (Wait, what?)

  56. Welcome back, Chris. It’s great to see you so bright eyed and bushy tailed!

  57. Today I spilled water down the front of my shirt for the 400 gazillionth day in a row. Then I punched my keyboard.

  58. So wait. Are you trying to tell me that even Gary Busey is creepy? Pshh..

  59. I can’t believe that Arjewtino wished people a Happy New Year. I’m sad inside.

  60. I won’t lie, walking into my office today, I near turned around and went home, but then someone spotted me and said “welcome back” and I cursed under my breath and went in. f*ckers.

  61. i overheard the receptionist at my clients’ office today talking about how people will be more annoyed with their coworkers today than on any other day of the year.

    and somehow that was the most annoying thing i heard all day.

  62. I never say the phrase “Happy New Year” because I don’t want to offend anyone who doesn’t believe in the Gregorian calendar.

  63. Kez

    I don’t have much to say, except on reading your post I too have decided that Gary is a creepy name.
    It’s definitely in the top 10 of creepy names. I would share my list but then I might offend a lot of peoples on the internets. Creepy ones. And then I might die. Or something…I should shut up now.

  64. Well, hey, alright, thanks for the pep talk! 🙂

  65. this post is awesome. I especially like the story in Easeport, Maine.

  66. I spilled coffee on the counter this morning and didn’t clean it up.

  67. Welcome to the beginning of the calendar year! I toke a big test today and used my fingers the whole time 😉

  68. Wow, I now realise why you don’ have friends.

    In sydney, Australia (yes, I’m that cool) Ebony worked for the sixth day in a row. Yes, I worked New Year’s Day. And New Year’s Eve.
    I just envy you!

  69. HA! HA! HA! Sucks to live in the northern hemisphere. I’m not returning to real life until March, AND it’s summer. 🙂

  70. There was this guy named Girish in my college, and people called him Gary, which I thought was stupid, but now I know why!
    Well, observed, my friend….er…a-dude-whose-blog-i-read.

  71. The thing that pissed me off more than anything on Monday was when I realized that I can’t think of the next time I’m not going to have a 5-day work week. I think it’s time for a vacation.

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