a better learning curve

Just a couple days ago, a street near my apartment that has been under construction for three years was paved, therefore ending the extensive project once and for all.

I was shocked that it was finally completed, because construction workers have the ultimate job when it comes to procrastination.

I mean, the men who worked on that street were given three years to complete it.

Three years.

Meanwhile I’m expected to learn that four shots of Petron will make me yell Mean Things at people in the short amount of time I’m at a bar.

I wonder what life would be like if everyone had the same kind of timeline to complete tasks that construction workers do.  Just think about the ways it would make life easier.

When a baby can’t talk – no worries – he has until turns seven to start annoying his parents!

When there’s a kid who’s awesome at dodge ball but can’t seem to figure out his multiplication tables, don’t even think about it.  If he learns them by the time he’s 44, he’ll be fine.

When a boss calls an employee into his office and asks him to order new hole punchers – no problem there.  The employee gets three months to get those bad boys poking holes in documents that no one actually reads.

When a guy is about to make Sexy Time with a woman and can’t get her her bra off without angrily cursing the heavens because who the hell makes those things so difficult in the first place – he’ll be fine.  He has until the third year they’re dating to get it right.

Every single thing you can imagine could take infinitely longer than usual to complete if you ran on Construction Worker Time.

Of course this also means that we would be a nation comprised entirely of people who are just learning that pooping in their pants is not good at the ripe age of 27, but I guess things could be worse.

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49 Comments

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49 responses to “a better learning curve

  1. If procrastination were a super power, I’d rule with a mighty sword.

    Like He-Man???

  2. It’s not Ok to poo your pants? Oh…

    It’s okay, I’m still your friend.

  3. Matt

    If a guy goes three years into dating without boob action because he is too stupid to undo the bra…

    He doesn’t deserve to procreate

    True.

  4. …but not until later.

    Good idea.

  5. But I would also get like 96 months to pay my bills, instead of 30 days!

    Take that electric company!

  6. Hahahaha! Getting a bra off! Too funny. Yeah, mine are basically made out of steal or something due to certain difficulty a certain boyfriend had…*ahem* I’ve revealed too much.

    Poor guy.

  7. I think my co-workers do work on Construction Time.

    I mean come on! Those TPS reports were due like yesterday.

    Um, yeah… We’re gonna need you to go ahead and work on Saturday…

  8. So I could take as long as I want to finally pay attention.

    Yes – great, right?

  9. My sister didn’t talk until she was, like, four. She also couldn’t sit up until she was almost two.

    Now she has an Honours B.A. in Poli Sci and International Development, but I maintain the entire degree they conferred on her was a typo.

    I’m drowning in my own inadequacy here.

    But you have a blog!

  10. I work on Municipal Employee Worker Time which is pretty much exactly the same as Construction Worker Time except we have computers and hot coffee.

    It’s glorious.

    I hate you.

  11. I think you should explain this wonderful theory to my boss. Today, please?

    Direct them to my blog and let the knowledge change them forever.

  12. I’ve been at my job for 5 years and I’m still working at stuff I started back in 2004.

    Either I’m a huge procrastinator or my boss doesn’t give a shit…

    Probably a little of both.

  13. Ben

    The Great Wall of China took a solid 400 years to build…

    400 YEARS!

    I mean…it only took a couple of days to invent the ladder. Betcha the wall people looked awfully silly after that.

    Hahaha – stupid wall builders.

  14. I should be a construction worker. I was born without the hurry gene.

    And those bra clasps: It’s like tying a shoe; you’ve just gotta trust yourself and go. If you stop to think about it, you’re dead.

    Good advice man, I appreciate it.

  15. I don’t know what type of project the crew was working on, but road construction takes time.

    Weather is just one of the many factors that needs to be taken into consideration for any road project. Its not as simple as “Oh its raining today, stop working.”

    Many of the materials needed to create the roads, asphalt or pavement need to be mixed in extremely precise conditions and ratios. Too much water, or too much air in the ingredients /mixture will cause rapid road deterioration.

    If it rains even once, the stockpile of materials at the remote mixing location are now wet, job halted. Engineers constantly test the condition of the raw materials, waiting for the ideal conditions and that alone can take a few days. Plus, you can’t very well lay your mixture into a puddle of mud, or have it sitting in the rain…

    Quality and safety take time. I for one would hate to be driving on a highway which disintegrates the moment a drop of rain hits the floor, or cruising on a busy street as chunks of cement fly out from the truck in front of me.

    No way dude, everyone knows that roads are made of chocolate and honey and sweet tarts.

  16. Construction Worker Time also factors in yelling, “Whoa. How YOU doin’?” which is pretty awesome, if you ask me.

    That happened yesterday. To me.

    I was super annoyed but then about a block later I was all, “Yep. Still got it.”

    Shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, – shake your booty!

  17. I am horribly mean to Dan when he has bra hiccups. I just sit there and giggle as I puff my chest out more. I figure the harder he has to work for these bad boys the more attention he will give them once he has them free.

    I bet he likes that idea a lot.

  18. Wow, Omegaradium… So serious (??).

    Nerd alert.

    That is all.

    He is a Road Master! Not a nerd. Kind of.

  19. Ha – I’m with Rachel. I giggle a little when the clasp causes trouble. On the other hand, when I guy can undo it with just a snap of his fingers (and without looking) I’m instantly impressed. I guess it doesn’t take much…

    That’s good to know.

  20. I hate that construction takes so long. They just destructed a bridge by my place and are going to take over a year to re-build it, thus leaving me to find an alternate route to Home Depot and Culvers for over 365 days. I need my Culvers Butter Burgers. And…there is no way it takes that long. They just built a 6 lane bridge that is triple the length in less than a year up here (yep, the 35W bridge collapse site). So when they tell me it’s going to take longer than a year to build a 2 lane short measly bridge it’s really got me fuming. Piss ants.

    Butter Burgers?? Are the cows dipped in butter first?

  21. I prefer working in Rap Video Time – I do everything in slow motion (and objectify women).

    All while menacing at the camera.

  22. When you gain the wisdom of MY years, you learn how to snap off a woman’s bra in one motion.

    Especially the ones on mannequins.

    It’s the best when they can’t move, isn’t it? Wait. No one remember I just said that.

  23. Kiala: Of course you still got it. Next time you doubt that, come back to Portland and I’ll grope you a bit. I’m generous like that.

    You’re a good friend.

  24. I hear you. There was construction going on near my home over the summer. It took them twice as long as the deadline they were given. Then, they made a mistake and had to tear it down and start over.

    P.S. Tequila is a killer. I learned that lesson the hard way 🙂

    But tequila is so good!

  25. The snap is in the front, ya dummy.

    It is???

  26. Could things really be worse though? Imagine a non-air conditioned subway car, filled with adults who’ve shit themselves on the way to work.

    Well, I do encounter a couple of bums a week who do that same thing, so I guess I’m kind of used to it. But yeah, I see your point.

  27. Does that mean you also get to whistle at women while you learn?

    Yes! Best part!

  28. @trigirl82 NERD since ’85, and proud of it! 🙂

  29. I have found that in my office, people seem impressed if you can produce stuff in under a day. I’ve actually learned the art of procrastination because they still seem to be impressed with my turnaround time for things.

    You are not a human!

  30. I’m a civil engineer. It’s my job to design the things those construction workers do. If you think it takes them a long time you’d shit at how long it takes us to do the design. Your tax dollars at work.

    Do you guys need a blogger?

  31. Wait. Pooping your pants is not good after 27? Crap.

    Pun intended.

  32. jay grochalski

    i can’t believe you used the phrase “sexy time” fucking Borat and his catch phrases!

    I know, I know. I’m kind of disappointed in myself. Never again. I promise.

  33. S

    We should break into all of their homes and offices and set all their Calendars 3 years forward. And take all their beer.

    (At least take all their beer.)

    (According to the numbers [in my head] their productivity would increase by 42.349%)

    I’m with you on the beer part.

  34. Mayhap, they take three years to do it, is cause they stand around, half naked, hootin and hollerin at passer byers. Of course, we look at them, don’t we? Thinking, mmmm, that guys abs are delicious, or Ewe, gross, what’s that? It’s perfect body time. No one cares about what they are doing, because we’re watching them do it. Free publicity. Kind of like a clean porno mag, only just man pecks. Or hairy creatures from the great beyond, depending on where you’re at.

    Just sayin…

    A clean porno mag??? That is just disgusting!

  35. longredcape

    There has been road work on my street for approximately the past seventeen and a half years.

    Well, it SEEMS that long, anyway…

    No, I bet you’re right about that.

  36. Sometimes it feels like we are a nation of 27-year-old pants poopers.

    As far as slow construction goes, I mostly felt bad for my friend who lived in the line of the 2nd avenue subway construction. While the street was torn up, the firefighters that used to go to her supermarket were forced to go to another block where they could park their truck. The firefighters at the supermarket were the best part of her day.

    Oh we are, we elected Bush twice. Well, not me, but other people did.

  37. Men take off bras?

    I don’t think I’ve ever had the patience to wait for one to do that. I usually take on that responsibility.

    Are they missing out?

    Your husband is a lucky man.

  38. Hmmm . . . pooping in their pants is kind of a deal breaker for me. So I think I’ll date only women who are at least 28.

  39. Everything already seems to be going so f*cking slow! Why add to the procrastination? The idea of it makes me feel like I’m going in reverse.

  40. Fortunately (for all of us), construction workers are MUCH faster at putting the Sexy Time Moves on people. (I didn’t say more effective, I just said faster.)

    I would hate to have to wait 97 years for somebody to yell “Hey baby, yo ass looks FINE, shake-shake it, BABY!!” at me.

  41. I think the government and construction workers must be in cahoots.

    Does anyone even SAY “cahoots” anymore?

    God I’m old.

  42. deutlich

    Wait. We’re not supposed to poop our pants?

  43. I arrived here by way of your 20sb award nom. Congrats. And I included your blog in a post on mine. 🙂

  44. I also think the world would be a better place if we all adopted the Construction Worker Code Of Yelling Out Sexual Innuendoes. Imagine a world where everyone was constantly shouting sexual comments to each other? Talk about a dream come true!

  45. learning the effects of patron later? yeah that’d be helpful.

  46. only four? your shit’s weak.

  47. “Do you guys need a blogger?”

    I’ve got that one covered, maybe not to your caliber, but who is. Why do you think the work takes me so long.

  48. “When a guy is about to make Sexy Time with a woman”….”sexy time”?
    This sounds like you’re explaining sex to a 4 year old.

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