just go away

Tonight on Larry King Live, the esteemed suspender-rocking host will interview Priscilla Presley “Live from Graceland!” as part of a special celebrating the late Elvis Presley’s 74th birthday.

If you just got excited in the slightest bit from that last paragraph, I have to ask you – why?

Elvis?

Really?

Let me tell you something, if you listen to Elvis and you’re not between the ages of 97 and 97 1/2, there is something missing in your life.

Go read a book, travel or find true love, because liking Elvis is not the answer to any question, aside from, “What makes you cry at night?”

I simply don’t understand the continued obsession with Elvis, and the notion that he’s the King of Rock and Roll also annoys the hell out of me.

Chuck Berry is the King of Rock and Roll.

Not Elvis.

Chuck Berry invented rock and roll, not Elvis.  Chuck Berry did everything before and better than Elvis, but because Chuck is black, no one celebrates him like a bunch of crazy fucking idiots.  Which I guess probably makes Chuck pretty happy.

Also, “Blue Suede Shoes,” one of Presley’s biggest hits, wasn’t even his song!  He basically stole it from another guy and released it later, even after promising the original artist that he’d never cover it as his own song.  Oops!

And while I’m on the subject, how weird are blue suede shoes?  I mean, people actually wore shoes that were not only blue, but also suede?  If I ever saw someone wearing blue suede shoes, my first reaction would not be to write a song about it, it’d be to question that person’s mental health.

Despite being just a dude who was white and wrote (and stole) a bunch of stupid songs, people continue to celebrate everything about him, and I just wish it would stop.

It’s time to move on and let the man rest in peace.

What’s that?

Yes, he’s fucking dead dammit.

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52 Comments

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52 responses to “just go away

  1. Really the only thing he did different than anyone else at the time was wiggle his hips like he was fucking his guitar. Sure, he could sing, and ultimatly was just a marketing genius, but I agree, it’s time to get over it.

    And as for Pricisilla…it is high time to lay off the botox and the plastic surgery. I saw a picture of her and Lisa Marie a year ago or so and I really could not figure out which was the daughter and which was the mother.

    No doubt she is kind of scary.

  2. I actually have blue suede shoes. You can borrow them if you want.

    Only if I get to wear a dress too.

  3. I know someone who has a pair of blue suede-ish looking shoes. He actually wore the ‘shit-kicker’ shoes the other day and I thanked the heavens he was NOT related to me by blood.

    Did he kick any shit?

  4. Ben

    I thought I liked Elvis but then I realized that I only really liked the song Walking in Memphis which isn’t sung by him at all.

    And then you got happy.

  5. Did I ever mention that I saw Chuck Berry live at Virgin Fest in Baltimore last summer? Well I did. Jealous?

    Yes.

  6. Cut Elvis some slack – he died while taking a shit – and, well, I think we’ve all been there.

    BTW – have you ever seen Bubba Ho-Tep? Bruce Cambel plays a guy who switched places with Elvis and is not in a nursing home. Also has a black guy that plays JFK. Amazing.

    No I haven’t, but now I want to.

  7. lol!

    I agree, Elvis is far too over-rated. Nothing like putting the King of Crack Heads on the pedestal.

    Actually, I’m pretty sure the King of Crack heads lives near my apartment.

  8. deutlich

    I gotta agree with you. Elvis is dead. Let it be.

    The “King” is fucking dead.

  9. Matt

    You know whats the worst?

    The commemorative plates.

    Hahaha – yes.

  10. How exactly is “Obama and Israel (Part II)” a possibly related post? Maybe Elvis IS alive and causing war in the Middle East. That would explain a lot actually.

    Hahaha – it totally would.

  11. but i could have swore i just saw elvis at the circle K two weeks ago.

    also, you should probably come to cleveland and visit narm, me AND the rock and roll hall of fame. we’ll skip the elvis exhibit.

    Sounds like a plan. And I’ll be sure to bring my Steelers gear.

  12. I think you’re just upset you can’t find any blue suede shoes for yourself 😉

    p.s. I think Elvis is overrated too.

    Maybe I am.

  13. Would you rather we celebrate The Beatles (I mean, I would, of course)? We all know how you feel about those boys…

    Hmmm… Who do I hate more… I hate the Beatles more I think.

  14. I think it’s not even so much that we celebrate Elvis, but rather the cult of Elvis. It’s precisely because these people are so weird and deluded that we keep giving them attention and, by extension, the so-called “king” himself.

    I used to have a pair of suede shoes, but they were kind of an off-white. Are they worth singing about? Absolutely not.

    Right, it’s the cult. God it is so weird.

  15. OK, not the same but John Lennon is dead too! He still made good music.

    Suspicious Games? Awesome song.

    You must not have read my take on Lennon.

  16. rachel

    the best contribution to society that Elvis made was promoting his affinity for fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

    yummy.

    Delicious.

  17. I saw Elvis at my 7-11 last night.

    He looked like shit.

    I bet he likes slurpees.

  18. Red

    I’m not in the cult. I’ve never been to Graceland, but Elvis had a fine, fine voice and he used it well on many recordings. At the time, covering songs was the way it went.

    I have a lotta respect for Chuck Berry. You could easily argue he gave a lot to rock, but you’d have no leg to stand on were you to claim he’s got a better voice than Elvis.

    And let’s not forget Buddy Holly, who had a great voice AND gave a lot to Rock’n’Roll. Which, in case you haven’t heard, is here to stay. And ain’t noise pollution.

    Yes, but I’m talking about the artist as a whole, not just the sound of his voice.

  19. What’s insane is that not only do these nuts go and celebrate Elvis’ birthday each year, but also the anniversary of his death… like, with a candlelight vigil and everything.

    Luckily, these numbers will dwindle every year, as Elvis fans get old and die… or have to get hip replacements from all that dancing.

    Or lipo from taking the role of “fat Elvis” a little too far.

  20. Priscilla is disgusting. She looks more and more like that lion lady.

    I wouldn’t watch that to save my life. She’d give me nightmares.

    Who is the lion lady??? Please tell me.

  21. because of work i have to know about this stuff and you’d be AMAZED at the kind of business that dead man does. it’s surreal!!

    That makes me sad to hear that he does do well.

  22. Like Narm says, he did die on the toilet. That has to count for something.

    I wonder if anyone saved the poop?

  23. Buddy Holly was way better because he married a mexican chick.

    PROGRESSIVE.

    And mexican chick’s are pretty hot.

  24. Elvis and I share a birthday.

    That’s right, today is my mother fuckin’ birthday!

    And I grew up listening to him because my mom is a huge fan, so to me, he may be dead, but he still lives on…

    Happy birthday. Get drunk tonight and make Bad Decisions.

  25. i have blue suede shoes…and yes, you should question my mental health.

    Where do you wear them?

  26. I hope the real focus of the interview is how Priscilla went from looking like a normal person to looking like the Joker. Seriously – why don’t people acknowledge her alien face?!

    Gross. Just like Donatella Versace.

  27. Little Less Conversation is a great song. I don’t care what you say.

    Chuck Berry is the tops.

    I just can’t get behind it. I’m sorry.

  28. I loved Chuck Berry in Back to the Future when he talked to his brother — his brother, Marvin Berry — on the phone.

    Way better than Elvis in Back to the Future III.

    Back to the Future always made me wish I knew how to play the guitar. Not time travel so much, but play the guitar. Instead I started smoking pot every second of the day.

  29. Let me say that apparently Graceland is like overrun by naugahide. OVERRUN. I think that’s worthy of public interest.

    I have no idea what “naugahide” is.

  30. I haven’t thought about him much since I lost touch with my best friend from elementary school. She was obsessed with Elvis, which kind of made me hate him a little.

    Of course, Chuck Berry wouldn’t be anywhere without Michael J. Fox.

    You and Arjewtino are thinking the same way today. Quick – think of a number and see if he can guess it!

  31. S

    He was good to look at and had sex appeal. We all know that this counts like quadruple and actual talent counts for like .5 as far as the media is concerned. (But then donuts happened.)

    Chuck Berry didn’t have a gimmick. I’m pretty sure a gimmick would have catapulted his career and Rock n Roll legend status.

    Either way–dead and gone. Let’s move on.

    Good point about the media.

  32. Question away, my friend, because I would totally wear blue suede shoes.

    Do you like fire?

  33. well, being an Elvis fan i’d have to disagree to an extent.. i am a fan of Elvis’ 1950s stuff and the comeback stuff in the late 60s. otherwise, the man became a cartoon. King of Rock? i don’t know. he’s certainly up there with the early greats. i don’t know so much of that for Chuck Berry either. i’d give that more to Fats Domino over anyone else, or hell, bluesman Robert Johnson since EVERYONE stole from him. personally i prefer buddy holly. but i agree, let the man rest. he’s been dead and gone for 31 years now

    I figured you’d disagree and dammit it’s good to hear disagreement sometimes.

  34. I have a velvet Chuck Berry wall hanging. It’s art.

    Hahaha – awesome.

  35. CapriceClassic

    “Chuck Berry is the King of Rock and Roll.”

    PREACH! I never understood the fascination with Elvis – never, not even once, so I guess I never will. You’re absolutely right about Chuck, though – he is the originator. But let Little Richard tell it, HE’S the inventor, lol. All I can say with absolute certainty is was NOT Elvis.

    Yes!

  36. Who the hell is Chuck Berry?

    (Did that piss you off? That was my goal.)

    Kind of, but it’s you, so I’m fine with it.

  37. “Did he kick any shit?” ~Chris

    LOL! Yeah, he kicked the shit out of my eyesight with those mud hoppers.

    I swear I’m gonna steal them from his house and set them on fire in his driveway. What the hell is he doing wearing blue suede shoes when he can’t even dance?!

    I think setting his shoes on fire would be the totally sane thing to do.

  38. So let me get this right, you’re not a fan a of Elvis?

    What gave you that idea?

  39. I have no idea why peopel love elvis! My mom still thinks I’m nuts for not swooning over him on our family vaca to graceland…

    Oh man, I feel sorry for you.

  40. The Legend

    what the fuck is wrong with you. Elvis is one of the greatest performers of our time. He has influenced countless performers after him. The Beatles are just as great. Chuck Berry great as he was did not invent rock n roll, Ike Turner did. And while I’m at it , RUN DMC belong in the rock hall of fame.

    I knew this would make you mad. Sorry bro, I don’t like Elvis. And I hate you for going to the game on Sunday.

  41. For the love of the flying spaghetti monster, may I live long enough to hear a new generation say, “Elvis? What’s that?”

  42. I’m not a fan of Elvis or anything, but I am surprised at the strength of your hate. Then I saw your comment to Amindinmotown and now I’m just disturbed because I agree with you about Elvis, but how can you hate The Beatles more?

  43. I agree with you completely. He stole his songs, he stole his moves, he stole his style. He was a white guy that stole something from a black guy (which is right up there with Eli Whitney and the cotton gin) and we’re still remembering him for it.

    Boo.

  44. The Legend

    Yeah, well Elvis has the other ticket.

  45. We sell his crap in our store. Also, have you ever noticed that he can’t exactly carry a tune? Admittedly, he can sing, and people like him. Whatever. What I mean is, he can’t HOLD a note. Cannot.

  46. Your make me laugh daily.

  47. there should be a law against showing priscilla’s face on television

  48. Que

    Preach on!!!! Preach on!!! Elvis died 3 decades ago when will people just let it go? The bit about Berry v. Presley 100% true but it’s like Christopher Columbus v. Native Americans…and we all know how that ended.

  49. Dude.
    priscilla presley looked like plastic. or dead. either way, it wasn’t pretty…

  50. I have two things to say. 1) I own a pair of blue suede shoes, and they’re awesome, and 2) if you come to Lexington, KY and go to the DMV, you will see that Elvis is alive and well.

  51. Suede shoes in general are ridiculous. With that said, my dad to make me watch all the old-school Elvis movies so I have an odd affinity for him.

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