watch your mouth

People say lots of stupid things.  It can be quite frustrating.

At any moment in your life, you could hear something like “I think Vin Diesel is a great actor,” or even “I’m going to wear two polo shirts, one on top of the other, and pop both collars!” 

And then there’s this one:  “Get dropped like a bad habit.”

I don’t really understand this.  Aren’t bad habits, by definition, difficult to drop?

If the habit is bad, then really the only reason you’re doing it is because you can’t stop.

You never hear someone say, “Oh man, quitting smoking was so easy!  I just ate more pancakes, and poof! Cravings were gone.”

Smoking is an addiction and a bad habit wrapped into one tiny package that may or may not appeal to a camel named Joe who wears sunglasses all the time, and is therefore obviously cool.

The point is, dropping a bad habit is not easy.  If it were, it wouldn’t be bad.

No one wants to drop a good habit.

I don’t think I’ll ever hear someone say, “I always keep my finances in such good order, seems like a good time to start doing smack and not look at the check book for three months.”  Though I guess if I do, I will be the first person to know a fiscally responsible heroin addict.

Trying to filter through all the stupid things people say can be hard, and it’ll never stop, so really there’s no point in even trying.

You just have to smile when they say it, and probably maybe stop hanging out with the two polo shirts guy.

(Okay, serious time people.  I’ve been nominated for several awards over at the 20 Something Blogger Network – I joined when I was still in my 20’s dammit – and I just wanted to say thanks to anyone who nominated me.  I really appreciate anyone who reads this blog, it honestly humbles me.  With that said, I want to win Funniest Blog because I am insanely competitive.  So if you’re a member, please vote for me, and if you do, I promise you a goat, a chicken and a virgin. Now that’s incentive.)


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56 responses to “watch your mouth

  1. rachel

    a goat, a chicken, AND a virgin?

    That’s dinner AND a show!

    how do I sign up?

    You have to have a blog, but I appreciate the thought. Do you think the virgin would put on a good show though? It might end up being awkward and very short.

  2. I think that you and Ben should have a dance off….to the DEATH

    I understand the desire to want a specific award so you shall have my vote. Please send all of the animals to my in-laws and the virgin to my brother. Yeah, I’m a cool sister like that.

    Thanks! And your brother owes you big time.

  3. Matt

    I’ll take the chicken and the goat.

    You can keep the virgin.

    I’m fine with that.

  4. I used to date a guy who would wear like 4 shirts because he liked the way it looked at the collar when you could see a teeny tiny bit of all of them. And yes, sometimes more than one were polo shirts, which were all popped. We didn’t last very long.

    I’m glad to hear that.

  5. I voted. All I want is the goat. Thanks.

    You got it. His name is Ralph.

  6. deutlich

    I gotta say – quitting cigarettes was easier than anticipated. And now? It’s been, like, 8 months!

    Which is weird.. because I “knew” you back then too and it seems like time flies.

    Good for you. I haven’t smoked in years too, it’s much better this way.

  7. if i vote for you, can you send goat-flavored soy products?

    on second thought, i’ll just vote for you anyway.

    Thanks. How about I send you a tofurkey?

  8. I hear you!

    Like when people tell me I can’t sit on my ass all day reading blogs. That’s the stupidest shit I have ever heard!!

    Fucking right it is.

  9. Matt must be assuming the goat and chicken are trained. Apparently, teaching does not come naturally to him.

    He will learn. At least the virgin will be good for something right away.

  10. i’ve been off smokes for 8 years and i still miss them…daily.

    I was a Camel guy myself, but I really don’t miss them.

  11. I’ll settle for a virginal goat. And some pancakes.

  12. I wish I could drop some good habits. Working out really takes away from my drinking time.

    Try drinking during your workout. If nothing else, the vodka on your breath might keep some guys away. Or maybe it’d just attract more…

  13. I just want to say I fully blame your very strong (and probably wrong) opinion for why I have not obtained Common’s new cut yet. I’ll think it’s bad even when I know it’s not bad!

    I’m telling you, it’s terrible. One song, “Inhale” is amazing. Download that and you’re good. Well, get “Announcement” too.

  14. Ben

    If you don’t win Funniest I’m writing the whole award system off as a sham.

    You are too kind.

  15. Ben

    Also, as for Rachel’s suggestion? I don’t see the need for competition here. That being said, I’m up for a dance off for no reason anytime, anywhere.

    Let’s meet in the middle. Say, Kansas?

  16. longredcape

    No one’s “dropping it like it’s hot” anymore . . . what happened to THAT?

    And I, like Arielle, used to date a guy who wore multiple shirts. But it was only so he’d look bigger than he was.

    Yes, I just admitted I dated a guy that did that.

    Oh man, you don’t even know how funny that is to me.

  17. Really, a goat? It could eat my bad habits!!

    Seriously, I’m quitting smoking, and it isn’t easy. It makes me feel a little violent! If I were to drop somebody like a bad habit, I may think about poking them in the eye with a fork….

    I’ll vote. You crack me up! Even if you never visit me…:(

    My friend once tried to quit smoking and he became such a dick that we ordered him to start smoking again.

  18. Are people really wearing two polo shirts in New York? Is that really happening?

    Not here. Well, unless they’re tourists.

  19. Yes.


    What’s up with THAT Jerry Seinfeld?

    Voting now.

    What’s the deal with blogs?

  20. I voted for you – because they asked for my profile link and I didn’t want them to know I voted for myself. Now all the girls tallying votes will think I’m so dreamy. Suckit.

    And if you are giving me a virgin you can’t just put a bow on my head and give me myself. Uncool.

    Once again Narm, you have beaten me at my own game. And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you and your nosy dog Scooby.

  21. i will take my goat in the form of cheese please.

    my family has told me that blogging is a bad habit cause i’m always on my laptop now but i ain’t dropping that bucko.

    I’d quit the family before the blogging.

  22. S.

    Vin Diesal is sexy. If calling him a ‘good actor’ is what I gotta do (despite the obvious truth) to see more Sexy, so be it.

    So doing stupid crap all the time is sexy? Then man, I am hot stuff!

  23. How can you tell that chickens and goats are virgins?

    They cry after I’m done with them.

  24. My parents tell me that swearing is a bad habit and that I need to stop it. Wait, my mom says that but my dad encourages.

    In any case, I’m not dropping it any time soon.

    And popped collars on polo shirts are stupid.

    Don’t fucking listen to your fucking parents, swearing is fucking fine.

  25. Shit, if you don’t think 2 popped collars are cool, what about 4 popped collars? I’m screwed.

    Yes. Yes you are.

  26. When I was out Christmas shopping last month, I walked by a Diesel store. There was a large crowd out front trying to decide whether they wanted to go in. Finally, one of the women speaks up, “I didn’t even know Vin Diesel had a store! They’ll let anyone open a store these days.”

    Oh my god. That is sad and amazing.

  27. I hope you win in all of the categories – I mean just think you could be the Michael Phelps of 20sb except not look like you have down syndrome!

    Hahaha – yes!

  28. people still pop their collars? probably the same douchebags that put too much “product” in their hair. wtf.

    congrats on your nominations! you & ben seriously need to get on that dance off.

    We are working on it, I’m pro “Electric Slide” and he wants to do the “Jitterbug.”

  29. Dude, Vin Diesel isn’t just a great actor, he’s the best actor in Hollywood. How’s that for stupid?

    Not bad, not bad at all.

  30. Pants

    CRAP. I desperately need a goat, chicken, and a virgin but I’m too old to vote. 😦

    Oh shucks, I’ll send you them anyway.

  31. Wearing two polo shirts makes me sweaty.

    Um not saying I do that..

    Gotta go.

    The first step is admitting you have a problem.

  32. Thanks for making me laugh so hard that tears were brought to my eyes….Is that why the chickens and the goats laugh too? 😉

    Oh for sure.

  33. I especially enjoy the rejoinder, “oh, for reals?”

    English teachers the world over are suffering much heartburn.

    Yes they are.

  34. Dear Chris,

    Even though we are not nominated for the same categories, I must inform you of something.

    After hearing you toot your own horn about your grilled cheese making abilities (that I’m sure are inferior to the ones I possess) and other “innocent comments” you’ve made around the blogosphere… I’ve had a hunch about you and I. And today, after reading the comment you left on Ben’s blog… it is CONFIRMED. YOU ARE MY BLOGGING ARCH-NEMESIS.

    P.S. What about “I could care less” on the list of stupid things people say?

    P.P.S. I just realized Quiznos didn’t give me a napkin. WTF is up with that? And to think I even threw a dollar in the tip cup. Lesson. Learned.

    Hahaha – then let it begin. I need an Arch Nemisis name though. Something like Awesome Dude, or King of Radness. Those are some of my favorites.

  35. What the hell do I want a virgin for? What can they teach me? I’ll take the goat and the chicken, but can I trade out the virgin for maybe a 46-year-old Vietnamese prostitute? You know, somebody who has seen some things?

    Sure, that works for me. Just tell me all the weird stuff she does.

  36. I tried substituting sex for smoking. But the craving for a cig after sex is second only to the craving after a big meal. So instead of getting rid of one addiction, I acquired another. I really need to start thinking my plans all the way through.

    Hahaha – well, it doesn’t sound like things are going that bad for you.

  37. I dropped Vin Diesel like a bad habit.

    Poor guy.

  38. You know why I voted for you? Because you made it easy.

    That should be its own award.

    You are a gentleman and a scholar.

  39. The funniest part of all of this is the tags!!! Why does Vin make you sad (yeah, we are on a first name basis)!

    Have you seen his movies?

  40. Far

    I would just like to say that I voted for you in every category you were nominated in except the one I was nominated for too… damnit I only got ONE nod and im not giving my vote away hehe.. ps- plz vote for me in that one tiny little category called The Last Chance Award

    plz n thanks

    Already did a long time ago.

  41. I voted! I’m not a bird person so just send the goat.

    Done and done.

  42. You should visit my office. I’m surrounded by stupid

    Dropped like a bad habit would sound smart.

    Maybe I will. How long will you be there today? I can be there in like six hours.

  43. I’ll only vote if you give me two virgins.

    You are dirty!

  44. mistressmom

    *nostalgic sigh* I know this is neither here nor there, but seeing your blog always makes me think of riding the C train to high school.

    So anyway… You’re like the bazillionth blogger to have mentioned these awards. Maybe I should sign up and start voting, huh?

  45. i don’t understand most sayings, but i’m pretty sure i use them all anyways. oy.

  46. Don’t forget that Joe Camel looks like a huge penis. I’m sure the marketing directors did that as an accident:

  47. is the virgin hot?

    is the goat hot?

  48. Psh. Like you know any virgins…

  49. Jo

    I didn’t vote because I couldn’t be bothered.

    What do I get?

  50. I think it’s really cool that your blog is so popular and all (you get my vote), but have you noticed that a disproportionate number of your readers are into goats?

  51. I voted for you…and yes its for the funniest may i please have the goat? 😉

  52. You had to go and say pancakes didn’t you? I am highly suggestible in the food department lately.

  53. I think the expression is used more like this:

    “You need to drop (insert whatever crappy thing that’s going on in your life – like dating a girl who has 5 kids from 5 different guys) like a bad habit.”

  54. Which insinuates that you NEED to drop the bad thing in your life – just like you NEED to drop the bad habit.

    (I failed to explain).

  55. legend

    shit guess I gotta sign up for some more shit just to vote for, keep em all I know this trick the goat and virgin are one in the same.

  56. I tried, but alas, as a non-member (despite being frequently called a dick), they won’t allow my votes. The best unto thee, sir.

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