coming to a theater near you

This Friday, the biographical movie based around Christopher Wallace, a.k.a. Notorious BIG, will be released in theaters across the country.

In case you are a Sad Person, and don’t know who that is, he’s a guy who came from the projects of Bed-Stuy Brooklyn and eventually became (arguably) one of the best lyricists ever, only to have his life cut tragically short when he was gunned down by an unknown assailant.

I just want to mention that I have never typed or said “assailant” before, and I promise never to do it again.

Anyway.

The title of the movie is “Notorious,” and it will probably be fairly cool if you enjoy things like hip-hop, women and people who are more talented than you’ll ever be.

With this movie about to be released, it got me to thinking what a biographical film about me would look like, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I don’t think anyone would want to see it.  Not even my Mom.  And I bet my two brothers would walk out during the middle, even though they’d both be drunk.

But let me present a general outline to you, and tell me what you think.

“Average”

“The Story of Chris, an Okay Sort of Guy.”

The  Struggle:  Here is a young Chris, age nine. He is battling with teachers who somehow don’t understand that him crawling under desks during class is just Artistic Expression, not him simply being an ass.

The Rise to Fame: Here is a young adult Chris, age 22.  He has just found his friends keys after the friend couldn’t locate them for thirteen minutes.  

The Tragic Fall: Here is adult Chris, age 30. He has just written a blog post about a movie about his life that makes him realize that maybe he needs to stop writing blog posts and actually do something worthwhile with his life like help baby monkeys. Sadly, he does not do that, and instead eats some trail mix.

Best Picture?  Probably not.

Best Movie About Something Lame? Let’s just say I have my acceptance speech ready to go.

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54 Comments

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54 responses to “coming to a theater near you

  1. Legend

    Will Winners be getting a product placement deal in this flick? you went under desks, I used to stand on top of them during class! ahhh there were not enough erasers in that school for me to bang…..

    What a weird punishment that was, anyway. Here – get the dust off the erasers.

  2. You crawled under desks, too?
    My mom got calls from school about the teacher finding my younger sis under desks! What the hell is under there? Little gnomes? Smurfs?

    I don’t remember – but my guess is I was trying to look up skirts.

  3. So who would be playing you? Or would you be playing you? And do we have to pay to see your movie (please say no)?

    Christian Bale of course.

  4. If you actually MADE the trail mix you would be doing something with your life.

    I did, in fact, make the trail mix. Top that on your blog!

  5. if brad pitt and that Jake Gyllengooglhallsberger guy can win awards and continue to act, i say let’s get the production ball rollin’ on “Average.”

    Okay, first things first, Kim K is the lead actress…

  6. But the real question is who would play the role of you? I’m thinking maybe a no-name, you know, an AVERAGE guy.

    Nope – it would be Christian Bale, because I know he’d love the plot.

  7. Ben

    I’d watch it if you wrote it.

    Not if you starred in it.

    Okay, that was mean and untrue.

    Make it a low-budget Youtube sensation.

    Maybe I’ll even put it on Vimeo and be hip and cool.

  8. Matt

    You should get that Jeff guy to play you in the movie.

    I would watch it, just to see “Jeff” scream at cab drivers, that alone would be worth the price of admission.

    He’d be a pro.

  9. “make you wanna’ pee pee”
    that’s all i think of when i hear anything about Biggie… (it’s from one more chance and i’ve never understood that lyric, but i heart it)

    As long as you love it.

  10. I’d like to hear the acceptance speech! “Oh, I could have been out saving monkeys, but you know, trail mix taste so much better then the bugs they picked from their fur.” Sighs dramatically, “And besides, it’s my artistic impression, not yours you silly freaks, you think this movie was crap, let me tell you a few things about crap…” so on and so forth…. 🙂

    That’s perfect.

  11. Can I style you for the awards show? I got one word for you: GRILLS.

    Done and done.

  12. Deb

    Listen, Chris . . . Seinfeld wrote an entire television series about NOTHING and that did okay. And you’re way funnier than the hacks that wrote that show! (Well, okay. At least AS funny.) Don’t give up the blog. Someone else will help the baby monkeys. Someone who couldn’t write a blog post even if an assailant put a gun to his/her head . . . or at least not a funny blog post.

  13. You’re thirty?

    Hahaha – yes. Yes I am.

  14. You are a key locator? That… is a serious talent. Lyrics won’t get you to work on time but finding car keys will help.

    Damn right!

  15. i interview for the part of lil’ kim but they said i wasn’t black enough – or at all for that matter.

    in your movie though, i think your rise to fame is going to be when you party with your favorite cleveland blogger in manhattan.

    Oh of course.

  16. deutlich

    Who says age 30 makes you an adult? I object!

    Don’t worry, I still act like I’m 17.

  17. rachel

    throw your hands in the air, if youse a true player!

    One of these honey’s Biggie gots to creep with.

  18. Well, knowing you, there would be a LOT of nudity in this film. Not sex scenes, no… just endless, sadly hopeful and unnecessary nudity.

    Which means, of course, I would be first in line.

    Thank you for your support.

  19. DO THE BABY MONKEY THING! That would be, just, oh, wow. And it would make your movie 1000 times cuter.

    Hahaha – I knew you’d say that.

  20. ahhh im waiting for the movie, never a fan of BIG but i like all things hiphop..

    ps. a movie about you? Hilarious. Who will play you? Can the young adult part be played by Rob Pattinson? haha

    pss. i should stop with my rpattz addiction

    Yes, it appears you have a problem.

  21. BIG is the soundtrack to my high school years. You don’t know cool until you listen to a bunch of white suburbanite sing about waving their Rolexes side to side while hanging out of the back of a pickup truck.

    I know exactly what you mean. Only I was in a Volvo.

  22. if kim k is the lead actress can we get a real strong R rating and some nude scenes for her? i’m getting tired of watching her sex tape and looking at that tattered old Playboy

    Of course!

  23. whoa. that just bummed me out. i don’t like when you get the loser talk going. i much prefer the religious self-confidence that infuses almost every post.

    From now on – only talk about how awesome I am!

  24. If you pay me, I’ll see it … or at least put it on my Blockbuster queue for when it’s immediately released to DVD.

    I will give you a Twix bar.

  25. Oh I bet your mom could spice up your movie with some scenes you’ve probably blocked out over the years.

    I hope not.

  26. Fuck! Notorious was going to be the title of my mostly-true biographical film.

    Now I’ll have to go with ‘Wine Eye,’ which is nowhere near as cool as ‘Golden Eye.’

    Well, if it makes you feel better, I’d much rather have an eye full of wine than a eye full of gold.

  27. Or you could write descriptions for other people’s movies. I thought the assailant part was quite nice.

    Why thank you.

  28. Those poor baby monkeys! Who will help them now?

    Batman.

  29. For having such a so-so interesting life, you sure can come up w/ great blog entries. Well done good sir. 🙂

    Thanks!

  30. You could add a montage of scenes where you sing in the shower to spice it up. Transparent shower curtain if you want an R rating, opaque if you want to bump it down to PG (or PG-13 depending on the song).

    And no curtain for the X rating! That’s what I’m thinking.

  31. I’d go see that! Of course, I’d text through the whole thing because it’s mediocre, but I would go.

    I appreciate it.

  32. It sounds like the perfect movie for Lifetime Movie Network… you just need a scene where you beat up a girlfriend or something.

    Hahaha – and a better title. Maybe “Love’s Wrong Turn” or something like that.

  33. BIGGIE! Or is it Biggy? I just know the dude was big. And he was killed shortly after (or shortly before) Tupac was. Either way, I love all things biographical so I’ll definitely be watching out for it (when it hits Blockbuster).

    As for your movie? I’d totally go see it (again, at Blockbuster.)

    Well at least you’d see it. And it’s Biggie.

  34. Here is Adult Chris telling his friend Crissy that he doesn’t think Kathy Griffin is funny and here is Crissy tossing Chris into the street for saying such a thing.

    It will be exactly like the scene in Meet Joe Black when Brad gets hit by a bus which is the most hilarious scene ever.

    Now THAT’s Oscar material, my friend.

    Hahaha – I’m sorry! I just can’t stand her.

  35. Is there any question that you will be played by Bruce Willis?

    I like the way you think dude.

  36. This would probably be more interesting than a movie about my life…especially the scene where you eat all the trail mix. You’re quite adventurous.

    It had raisins!

  37. Here you go, mister.

    I forgot about that! I saw that a long time ago. It is awesome.

  38. Where does Michael bolton fit on greatest lyricists of all time?

    3rd? 4th?

    Depends. Are you talking pre-haircut or post-haircut Bolton?

  39. I wrote a screenplay for my own movie.
    It is titled “Skank?” – I think it’s going to be huge.

    I know a couple guys who would love that movie.

  40. blogs are where the averages can shine.

    and, i’ve actually heard of B.I.G. back in the Puff Daddy days.

  41. And who would play you in the movie?

  42. I would so watch if Christian Bale played you.

  43. You have 2 brothers?!?

    Are they hot?!?

    And single??

    We must know.

  44. I might go see your movie if it had notorious big’s music in it. And puff daddy. He’s hot.

  45. I’ll let you screen your movie during the world premiere of mine.

  46. Great…sounds interesting to me…well…not really. 😉

  47. Be sure to thank the Academy

  48. legend

    yes, jenbun his brothers are very hot……..i got a lot of pokes in the chest by nuns as well,

  49. You mean you’re not in Notorious?

    A total gangsta like you?

    For shame.

  50. To be fair, you don’t have a lazy eye, so you’re one up on Biggie.

    You could always make it a cautionary tale – “Hey, kids, being talented will just get you shot. Better to keep your head down and your life average.”

  51. Now, here’s a better question. Who would PLAY you??

  52. i’m pretty sure my life story would not win best picture ever. however the time i was in the 7th grade play and ate corn flakes for 2 minutes straight would probably be a pretty entertaining scene.

  53. this was funny dude,not even tom cruise could not make that movie sell or will smith for that matter or even the combination.lol

  54. it’s my first time here and let me just say… boy, you get a lot of comments. i feel like i shouldn’t even bother. but i’ve already started so…

    you’re funny.

    the end.

    I notice, read and appreciate every single one, I promise. See?

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