promises

Friends.

Colleagues.

People who stumbled upon my blog searching for “without underwear.”

Today I want to tell you something that I am extremely proud of.

In the right pocket of my pants right now, there is a stick of Burt’s Bees chapstick that I’ve had for three months now.

That’s right, you read that correctly, three months.

Do you even realize how difficult it is to keep the same chapstick for three months, without losing it once?  It’s like getting Thom Yorke of Radiohead to stop being so damn weird all the time – an incredibly arduous task.

This is why my chapstick is a great source of pride for me.

Some people are proud of the way they’ve helped others, some people are proud of scholarly achievements, but I don’t want any part of that my friends.

No, let me bear the weight of keeping track of a single tube of chapstick, with each day of use dangerously raising the risk of losing it.

But no!

I will not be defeated!

And when I listen to people who say silly things like, “Dude it’s just chapstick, you can always buy another one,”  I laugh!  Oh how I laugh!

For these people do not realize what I’m really doing.  These feeble-minded people, who treat their chapstick with the reckless abandon one treats their grandparents when they get too old to remember to send them money on their birthdays, do not understand.

I am persevering!

I am rising above the carelessness of every day life!

And most importantly, I am keeping a promise I made to a small Moroccan boy, whose parents could not afford chapstick, and who wanted me  – no matter what happened – to never lose my chapstick.

Yes that small Moroccan boy never existed, but I will never forget him, and I will never forget my chapstick.

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71 Comments

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71 responses to “promises

  1. I’m just glad you aren’t using that small Moroccan boy as chapstick.

    But that is quite the feat. Now lets see you go three months without getting so drunk you forget to close your tab at the bar.

    I’m Irish, no way I can do that.

  2. “without underwear”. Really? Wow. That beats the “effeminate man sexy” search that brings people to my blog.

    That was me.

  3. I’m proud of you too. It’s a glorious step in the right direction and the day you move on to Carmex, my friend, that will indeed be a day to remember.

    Stay strong.

    But Carmex is all weird.

  4. I read your blog for its hilarity and high sarcasm content. Today it touched my soul because holding on to chapstick, Burt’s Bees in particular, is a feat like no other. Anyone can run a marathon, raise great kids, and travel the globe but keeping a chapstick through it’s life cycle, that is an accomplishment. Well done.

    Thank you.

  5. I think I once went three months without brushing my hair, but holding on to the same chapstick? That’s something I will tell my nonexistent children about someday when we’re sitting around a roaring fire and I am dazzling them with the urban legend of “the chapstick man”, and I can assure them that it is- indeed- not a legend at all.

    Hahaha – That’s right. I am real!

  6. I am Im.Pressed.

    Now, if you can use that chapstick to the very end, I think I will probably give you a trophy. Has anyone ever SEEN the end of a chapstick? I know I haven’t. Maybe there is a prize or something! Or maybe a genie with the voice of Robin Williams will come out and grant you three wishes! Or maybe you will just be The First Man Ever to use an entire chapstick without losing it and you get a trophy from me!

    Oh it’s almost done right now. So start preparing that trophy!

  7. …Honestly, I’m proud you haven’t managed to leave it in your pants pocket on wash day. I can’t tell you the number of times my poor, poor, defenseless (oh shit, I totally just reached into my pocket for mine to check out its name, and it’s not there… what the hell!? you jinxed me!)….chapstick….has gone through the wash and dry cycle.

    Sorry for jinxing you.

  8. rachel

    once again proving that you are…The Man.

    I think the only other person who may have finished a chapstick may be Chuck Norris.

    I heard Steven Seagal has done it once too.

  9. A Burt’s Bees chapstick is like $4.99. You can’t be careless with that shit.

    Well Done Chris!

    Keep up the good work.

    Thanks, I am trying.

  10. deutlich

    Thom Yorke is not weird, he is eccentric.

    I don’t know, he seems pretty weird to me. And isn’t that basically the same thing? Weirdo.

  11. Just carry a man purse and you’ll never lose your beloved chapstick.

    I don’t think I can do that.

  12. saratogajean

    Congratulations!

    But now that you’ve gone public with this information, the Burt’s Bee’s Special Police are going to find you and slap that lip balm right out of your hand.

    Spending $2.49 once every 3 months isn’t going to send Burt Jr. to Harvard, mister.

    Fucking police, always after me. If it’s not the kiddie porn then it’s something else.

  13. oh i am damn proud of you. that is no easy feat at all… not at all!

    people just don’t understand how important burts bees chapstick is.

    its my lifesaver, and i have a tendancy not to treat it with the care it gives me. so 3 months is a serious feat! congratulations!

    If you love your Burt’s Bees, it will love you back.

  14. That is exactly how I feel about a lighter.

    I remember feeling the same way when I smoked.

  15. You know you are going to lose your chapstick TODAY as a result of this post. Sorry dude. It had a good run.

    No way. I am strong!

  16. I LOVE BURT’S BEES. The end.

    Sing it sister!

  17. d

    so is this like the condom in my pocket, or is it different?

    it’s different, isn’t it.

    damn.

    Hahaha – sadly, it is different. Keep trying though dude, I have faith in you.

  18. Ha! Congrats! A friend of mine once bet another friend that he could hang onto the same lighter for 3 months. He did it and the other friend had to wear a strap-on (which we named Strappy Ballsy) for the first hour of an annual float trip. Good times.

    I want to come to the next float trip.

  19. Next month: Use pen to the bitter end before loosing the cap or biting off the bottom. Dare to dream Chris, dare to dream.

    Yes! Reach for the stars, if you fall, you land on an asteroid. Or something like that.

  20. I wonder if Burt’s Bees will offer to sponsor you after this post. Or the Morroccan boy.

    Damn Moroccan boy has a better chance than me.

  21. you’re totally going to lose that within the next week… and you’ll deserve it for being so cocky.

    Not cocky, confident.

  22. Chris

    Fact: I am currently on the last click of my 3rd consecutive tube of Chapstick (my chosen brand) that has been used to the very end without being lost, damaged, or otherwise mutilated. I, like yourself, take tremendous pride in the ability and responsibility of using each Chapstick to its full potential. I’ve yet to meet another mortal capable of duplicating my same accomplishment. I challenge you! Keep in mind, you’re already 3 sticks behind……Mmmmmwwwwwaahhhhhaaaaaaa

    I accept your challenge! We’ll have two Chris’ going head-to-head in a chapstick contest! The world will be amazed.

  23. Wordy Ninja

    I flat out don’t believe you. Here’s what I think happened: at some point you lost the tube of Burt’s Bees chapstick that you purchased three months ago and then found A DIFFERENT tube of the exact same brand of chapstick that you had lost months (maybe years) prior. So in your mind, it seems that you simply misplaced the chapstick for a moment and found it, but in reality you lost it and unwittingly replaced it with another older chapstick. It’s the only rational explanation. Anything else would break the laws of physics.

    Wrong dude. I have it in my pocket right now. It hasn’t had its label for about two months now. I am breaking the laws of not only physics, but of awesomeness!

  24. I once went three months with the same nickel in my jeans pocket.

    It is the greatest feat of my life.

    And you will be remembered for it.

  25. LMAO!! I hear you. I never lose my chapstick, but I do lose my mind quite frequently.

    Either way, it works.

  26. Ben

    I had my chapstick for a long time. Then, after months of use, I realized that it was dirty and I kept rubbing it on my lips.

    Then I was grossed out.

    Then I bought new chapstick.

    You need to be more strong – like the ox in the field! I am full of pioneer spirit today, if you can’t tell.

  27. I’ve lost my chapstick so many times. I think people pocket them…those bastards.

    Oh they do. It’s probably that guy with the ugly shoes next to you.

  28. I doubt your ability to hold on to that chap stick until it is all used up. I am hoping for the best. Because that my friend, would be a truly glorious thing.

    It’s almost empty right now. Just a few more days I imagine.

  29. I don’t think you can call it Burt’s Bee’s chapstick.

    That would be like saying Pepsi Coke a Cola.

    Lip balm. It’s lip balm. I just want to keep you from getting sued.

    You’re welcome.

    Or Kleenex tissues.

  30. Matt

    So maybe I am not cool enough to know what Burt’s Bee’s chapstick is. Is it better than Carmex?

    Oh yes. It’s minty!

  31. plus it’s Burt’s bees…and that shit be expenSIVE!

    Exactly. No one is getting it unless I get a BMW in exchange.

  32. Congratulations!
    I too, understand the Herculean effort it takes to hold on to a “lip moisturization product” for any significant length of time.

    I would not be any more impressed if you ran a marathon. Seriously.

    *tagged: i don’t care if moisturization is not a real word*

    It is a real word though. You smart.

  33. Uhhh…congratulations?

    lol

    I never lose my chapstick because it’s always in my purse. Always. I cannot leave the house without chapstick. I always have some in my bedside table. Burts Bees, in fact. 🙂

    Because you know the best.

  34. Burt’s Bees may be the best chapstick ever made. Ever. Period.

    And what is it w/ men not being able to keep track of chapstick? My hubs is the same way and always steals mine! It pisses me off when I look for mine (always in my purse in a little compact) and it’s NOT THERE. I know he raided it then and I find him and kick him in the sack. No one takes my chapstick.

    In the sack though??? Man. You are one stern woman.

  35. I’ve always wondered how long a chapstick could actually last.

    After reading this, I reached for the chapstick I had on my desk and then rolled it out all the way to see how much of the stick was left. But then I couldn’t un-roll it. And only ended up mashing it all up and breaking it.

    So, thanks.

    You rolled it out?? You fool! Everyone knows that’s a fatal error when it comes to chapstick!

  36. myr

    I spent the last 5 minutes chuckling to myself in a lecture hall of 200 people. Now I look like the token mental institute escapee. Thank you.

    I try my best.

  37. It hasn’t been in that pocket for three months has it? Cause that would mean you haven’t washed your pants in as long.

    And I’d delete the comment you mistakenly made, but that would leave no sense in the third one. So nothin doin.

    No, but I’m wearing the same pair of boxer briefs that I’ve worn for three months, is that any better?

  38. As someone who has to leave a stick of chapstick (Aquafina Flavor Splash, in case you were so curious) downstairs and one upstairs because I can’t even remember to keep one with me between floors let alone not lose it out there in the big, bad world, I applaud your accomplishment and hope that one day I too shall be able to master such a thing.

    I hope you do too. Good luck.

  39. Fantastic use of the word, “Arduous”. I love that word. And congrats on keeping a tube of chapstick for so long. That truly is an amazing feat.

    It’s arduous using arduous.

  40. ken

    i never, ever use chapstick… not manly enough.

    i pop the hood of my car, take out the dipstick, and rub a few drops of motor oil on my lips.

    it lasts a LONG time.

    Damn you and your superior manliness.

  41. I’ve never lost a pair of sunglasses.

    SHUT UP!

  42. Don’t listen to Justine (sorry, Justine). Carmex is disgusting. Chapstick should not taste like burning plastic. In fact, I bought a tube of it recently when Target was out of my old stand by–Vaseline Intensive Lip Therapy. You know what? I used it once and wanted to puke. I don’t know why I thought Carmex was a good idea. And I don’t trust anyone who recommends Carmex to a friend… or arch nemesis for that matter.

    Yeah, plus it looks all old and weird.

  43. My chapstick is under house arrest. It’s got an ankle monitor and everything. Because I am sooooo screwed if that chapstick runs away. (And you thought you actually lost yours in the past – no, they have a mind of their own, I tell you). And when mine starts to misbehave, all I have to do is turn on the gas stove and let the flames get a little too close to the wax … and the chapstick promises to behave.

    Fear and intimidation, I like the way you think.

  44. 3 months with the same chapsitck?! You are quite ready for marriage my friend!

    I am quite the catch.

  45. Oh you make me laugh.

    Thanks!

  46. This is awesome. I mean, seriously.

    Tell me about it.

  47. I’ve had my Burt’s Bees for probably 4 months.

    Granted it was lost for 3 of them, but the point is I still have it after 4 months.

    Well, we all have to start somewhere.

  48. Wow, I am quite impressed. I usually lose chapstick on my way home from buying it. My middle name is Careless.

    Your parents didn’t like you, huh?

  49. longredcape

    Phil Collins

    Okay, I wish I got this reference, but I don’t. Someone help me out here.

  50. I love Burts Bees!!!! Best chapstick ever….

    I also appreciate a guy who carries around chapstick….

    Why thank you.

  51. Bravo!! Te felicito!!

    I am bowing, you just can’t see me.

  52. seriously, we are chapstick soul mates because this is the exact relationship that I have with mine. I think I’m doing so well one day and then I’m taking clothes out of the washer and there’s my chapstick tube at the bottom…with chapstick in it no longer. it’s awful!

    I know, it ruins my day.

  53. I’ve been to Morocco. They could use some chapstick…

    Good for you for holding strong!

    I know things.

  54. I thought you were going to say it’s as hard as making Thom Yorke’s weird eye look straight ahead.

    And if I was your girlfriend I would’ve swiped that Burts Bees months ago. And then you could’ve “borrowed” MY Burts Bees.

    Oh she tries, believe me. I’ve been able to foil her so far though.

  55. Jess

    I always lose my chapstick. ALWAYS.

    This Christmas i got this lip gloss(same as chapstick basically) that was very very nice, i put some on, ten minutes later it was gone.

    Oh the pain.

  56. and here the eternal struggle to hold on to chapstick was strictly a female thing. i stand corrected sir.

    you know, if you kept it in a purse, it’d be a lot easier to hold on to.

  57. tia

    hubs has a REALLY hard time hanging on to chapstick.

    i applaud your efforts.

  58. As the spokesman for Fictional Moroccans Used To Make A Chapstick-Related Point, I’d just like to thank you for giving me the first work I’ve ever had.

  59. S.

    That’s quite a feat. You’re almost my hero.
    Almost.

    The dude that uses one pen start to finish one-upped you.

  60. Caz

    Just yesterday I was tweeting about how I’ve finished not one, but TWO lip balms in the past month. This is a huge accomplishment for me as I always lose them.

    Awesome!

  61. J

    I’m happy for you.
    I’ve lost many a chapstick, and i mourn them still.
    No joke.
    I’ll just be sitting in class and someone will pull out some chapstick, and I’ll feel a slight pang for ‘the chapstick I lost.’

  62. Kez

    I am GENUINELY IMPRESSED.
    That is an achievement i am yet to make in life. I always buy a three pack and think I’m going really well (a chapstick in my handbag, one in my bathroom, and another for my car). Except about a month later, I cannot find any of them.
    You are now my inspiration.

  63. When is your birthday? I’m going to get you a chapstick that goes on your keychain.

    You will thank me later.

  64. i’m with maxie, you need one of those sets on a ring with a little clip on it for your belt loop. 🙂

  65. I expect a monthly report from now on, stating that you still have this chapstick. Because it could be one of those “as soon as you say you haven’t lost it, you lose it” sort of things.

  66. We are proud of you, sir. Keep up the good works.

  67. Attending AFC championship game

    you should protect that Burt’s with everything you have in honor of those enough not fortunate to have such great lip protection. Some of us only get lip balm from rite aid.

  68. Red

    If it’s the kind of Burt’s Bees with peppermint oil, it’s both a) the best chapstick EVER and b) too expensive to replace every couple of weeks. Keep persevering. You go, Chris.

  69. CapriceClassic

    Chris? You’re a nut.

  70. I neglected to leave a comment on this post initially because reading it reminded me to tell Tia that I left my lip gloss at her house…

    So thanks! 🙂

  71. congrats on winning the funniest award at 20sb! I LOVED this post! I totally know exactly what you mean. I am always losing my chapstick and when I manage to hang on to it, I am fascinated. And always, I lose it….wait a week or two to see if it turns up….when it doesn’t, I go get another. And then the original turns back up.
    I had one chapstick going from Sept till Xmas when I took it with me on a trip to NY. Big mistake. Have yet to locate it.

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