some relaxation, aside from the impending death

Last night I watched a TV show called “I’m Not Supposed To Be Alive” on Animal Planet.  

It’s about people who get attacked by animals and somehow make it out alive (awesome), and last night’s episode detailed the story of some vacationers in Africa who get stranded in the middle of a river once their boat capsizes.

One of the guys decides to attempt to swim to shore to go get help, even though at the moment, there are about 458 crocodiles in the river.

Of course the others with him question whether this is a good idea, saying that he’ll be sure to get killed.  This struck me as odd, because my questions revolving around this trip would’ve started when my friend brought up the very idea of “vacationing” on a river infested with crocodiles, not when someone was about to die.

The guy finally convinces them their only hope is for him to swim, so he does.  And he almost makes it – until he does something that is not very bright.

He arrives at the shore, only to spot a crocodile about ten feet away from him.  So instead of running away from the crocodile, which I think is probably Rule Number One in the How To Not Get Eaten By A Crocodile Guide, the man goes back into the water and approaches the big lizard thing.

The crocodile, realizing that this man is not as smart as the zebra that evaded him during brunch earlier, promptly chomps the man’s arm and tries to eat him.

Eventually the man gets away by puncturing some sort of hole in the crocodiles mouth, and everyone gets rescued by some random people who happen to pass by on the river, meaning the guy did all of that for nothing.

Now everyone is happy to be alive, and I was happy to have heard about a crocodile attack, but the issue still remains – what the hell was wrong with that guy who went after the crocodile?

I guarantee that when everything settled down and that group of friends hung out again – that guy was not making any decisions.

When he suggested a bar – they went to a different one.

When he told everyone he knew about a party – they decided to go home instead.

That guy has officially given up all merit as a decision maker.  If he couldn’t figure out that attacking a crocodile is worse than running from a crocodile, there is no way he can be allowed to influence others ever again.

In fact, I bet he’s the one who suggested vacationing on a death river in the first place.


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50 responses to “some relaxation, aside from the impending death

  1. Ben

    Proof that attacking a vicious creature to get on TV works and that it’s totally worth it. I know where I’ll be vacationing next – in a pit of black widows with sniper-trained gorillas guarding the escape route.

    Can I have your autograph once you become famous?

  2. Funny, I’m reading a book right now about a trip down an African river. It doesn’t sound like much fun whether somebody gets attacked by a prehistoric reptile or not. Bugs, poverty and large carnivores does not equal “vacation.”


  3. all I have to say to this is What the Fuck? I don’t understand the things people do.

    Me neither. Like who the hell watched Full House? That show was terrible.

  4. This is so weird because today I wrote about surviving an animal attack too!

    It’s like we Have The Same Mind.


    Can you tell what I’m thinking about right now? It starts with a “p” and ends with a “orn.”

  5. It was obvious why he went all Dundee on the creature. With the state of the economy, and in order to maintain his wife’s “needs”, he planned on making her croc pumps and matching handbag all by himself.

    Nice guy.

  6. Oh I saw that ep like a year ago! The guy swims to shore only to pass out and get pracitally eaten alive by ants. Gross and gnarly all at the same time.

    Right! How crazy were those ants? They eat flesh!

  7. Maybe the guy was just all Helen Keller-y. He couldn’t see the threat himself, and he thought his buddies were saying “Dude, the river’s full of Chocodiles!” He was just eager to be the first one getting in on the chocolate goodness.

    Mmmmmm…. Chocodiles… Much better than Cherry-flavored Gators.

  8. A lake full of crocodiles? Sure, let’s jump in!

    There’s one word for this: Stupidity.


  9. See, this is why I sit at home and WATCH these idiots instead of actually BEING these idiots.

    I. Am. Smart.

    Me too, plus I’m really lazy.

  10. I wish I had a stupid friend that would fall on grenades like that for me. But, NOPE, I still always end up making bad decisions with some toothless girl at the bar.

    Oh wait, I AM that friend.

    Well, everyone needs that friend, so you’re providing a service.

  11. Vacation to me is fruity cocktails and relaxation, not fighting off killing machines. Assholes.


  12. Matt

    Whenever I’m on vacation I am usually drunk….

    and if a crocodile starts looking at me funny, it becomes more of a pride thing than anything else.

    Especially if there were some Hot Chicks on the boat watching me.

    Well, of course, but these weren’t Hot Chicks.

  13. deutlich

    those were white folks, weren’t they?

    Of course they were.

  14. deutlich

    hm. that sounded bad.


    No, it sounded exactly right.

  15. Dane just got a piece if earphone stuck inside his ear.

    We got it out.


    See? We live on the edge too.

    They should make a show about you two! I’d watch.

  16. Ok, well you know how you always hear about what to do and not do in various dangerous situations, and it’s hard to always remember which solution is meant for which problem. So, even though YOU might remember to run from the crocodile, he may have been confused and recalled that when confronted with a shark, you are to punch it in the face. Sharks, crocs. You know, whatever.

    I don’t know why I’m defending him.

    Is that really how you stop a shark? Punching it? I wonder who the awesome person was who figured that out. Man, that sentence was terrible.

  17. I have no comment for this. Because apparently it spoke for itself. Stupid is as stupid does.

    Yeah, he leaves little room for comment.

  18. saratogajean

    Seriously, what the fuck was that guy (whom I’ll call him Derrick) thinking? That a quick alligator snack would be just the fuel Derrick needed to hoof it to the nearest village for help? Or perhaps he was sending a message to all the other alligators who were waiting to chow down on his friends, like ‘this is what happens when you mess with Derrick!’

    I bet the re-enactment was awesome, though.

    It was totally cool.

  19. This is why we have two of each limb. The other one’s really just a spare.

    So maybe I should start wrestling animals. I’m going to look for a squirrel at lunch.

  20. OF earphone.


    Of Earphone would be a great Radiohead album name, wouldn’t it?

    Somewhere, Thom’s ears just perked up.

  21. Darwinism. If you get eaten by a crocodile after getting back into the water with it, you should not procreate. Ever.

    It’s a pretty solid weeding out process.

  22. There are some truly crazy-assed people out there!

    I was kind of not surprised.

  23. It’s like they say. You fuck ONE goat….

    Well, the goat was kinda hot.

  24. That show should not be called “I’m Not Supposed to Be Alive.” “Because I’m a Dumbass” is a better title.

    I’d like to be on that show. Hi I’m Chris and I work at my job… Because I’m a Dumbass!

  25. Meghan

    I watched a marathon of that show like a year ago and never saw it again but I really did like it. They are all the same. People go to retarded places and are all surprised when bad shit happens. There was one where this couple took their honeymoon to some African jungle and they were walking in the jungle (idiots) and they got of the path (which was very clearly marked AND roped off) and then were lost for days. They were attacked by like fire ants and spiders and all kinds of bad shit happened. All I kept thinking was “good, that’s what you get for sucking at life and going to an uncharted, hazardous, death trap, wilderness for your honeymoon you fucktards.” Whatever happened to going to some place tropical?

    Hahaha – well said.

  26. What everyone else calls stupid I call badass. I mean really, how awesome are if you’re totally in the clear, on shore, and then think to yourself, “you know what, fuck you alligator, lets fight.” I bet he banged all the other vacationers girlfriends after his arm healed.

    They were ugly, so I hope he got some hot ones afterwards.

  27. A few days ago I was bummed that we had no TV because we had to watch the Obama inauguration on the internets and now I’m just doubly bummed.

    Rub. It. In. Why don’t you???

    I’m sorry. You know you’re missing the Steelers in the Super Bowl too right? The Steelers Melissa!!!!!!

  28. I’m that guy… seriously.

    I knew it!

  29. I don’t want to know that guy. Or go on a vacation with him.

    (But I used to watch Full House, so there!)

    Ugh, Full House is garbage!

  30. S.

    We’re Stupids and Proud of It
    would probably be a better name for the show. Who ADMITS that they went BACK to the water after seeing a croc? Lie.
    “It was a magical crocodile.”
    “In the right light, he looked like a little fuzzy bunny in need of saving.”
    “He was talkin bout my mama!”

    All better reasons than “I dunno, seemed like a good idea at the time.”

    Yeah, I agree.

  31. He sounds like the kind of guy who will eventually meet his demise by some freak beer bottle opening accident.

    Or keg stand.

  32. How did he puncture the crocodile in the mouth? Did he have a knife? Spear? Fork? What?

    And please tell me how stupid people make up some of the most entertaining TV. All I can say is, American Idol.

    Yup. Everyone likes the first couple episodes because of all the idiots. Plus, this is why COPS is still on. That and everyone likes watching drunk hookers.

  33. i’m gonna call Paul Hogan and see what he thinks about all of this crocodile business.

    Paul is going to kick some ass. Did you hear about how he refused to pay his taxes? He’s the real deal.

  34. What a dumbass! I never understand people that take those sorts of trips, like WOW I am so adventurous!

    That’s it exactly – they want to tell their friends about it.

  35. I love that show. I saw one where a ship sinks, people are floating around in a rescue raft…but not the good one with all the equipment (that one sunk). They are sitting there getting dehydrated and the raft starts getting bumped. Turns out a whole bunch of sharks were trying to flip the boat for the prize inside. Eventually the sharks go a way. After a few days a couple guys go crazy and jump into the water. The few sharks that were left chowed down and then told their buddies, so all the sharks come back. Then one shark grabs a rope and starts pulling the raft around…..

    At this point, I just started laughing and couldn’t stop. It was just so ridiculous and almost sitcom funny….

    I want to see that one now.

  36. bwp

    I think I am that guy, just replace ‘crocodiles’ with ‘Mexican drug lords’.

    I think you should call someone at FOX and get a TV show right now.

  37. A vacation on death river is my #1 vacation destination wish. Awesome. That guy is a moron and is obviously in denial about his idiocy. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt. Haha. Lame joke; check!

    Hahaha – thank you for that.

  38. i don’t think anyone could even pay me to go on that river. seriously, i agree with you, why were they there in the first place? crazies.

    I hope they go somewhere calmer next time.

  39. Rumor has it that his first vacation spot of King Kong Island was already booked.

    He sounds like just a great guy.

  40. David

    So who leisurely counted the 458 crocs?

  41. Vacations like that are stupid. Give me a private beach and a vat full of tequila over any sort of animals any day.

  42. Maybe as he passed the croc it sassed him or said something like, “you swim like a girl!” No self-respecting man would put up with that crap. He did the only thing he could do.

  43. I watched something like that a few weeks ago about people who had been bitten. I got to see a re-enactment of a man’s face being ripped off by a bear.

  44. I watched something like that a few weeks ago about people who had been bitten. I got to see a re-enactment of a man’s face being ripped off by a bear.

  45. I don’t feel this person deserves to live.

  46. Still, if someone offered me the chance to vacation at death river or in Columbus, I’d take death river every time, since I could die there, whereas in Columbus, I’d just want to die all the time.

  47. Kyle

    The best one I’ve seen was where a guy had his skull crushed from a momma grizzly bear. And he lived to tell the story, complete with memories of seeing a “blue light” as he was dying and a really deformed face afterwards. But he was so tough. I wanted to give him a hug. I love that show.

  48. I loved that series. It is very aptly named “I’m not suppose to be alive” because after most episodes I do ask myself Why are these stupid people alive???

  49. Pingback: What’s with all the blogging? «

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