pure insanity

Last night on my way home from work, I somehow found a seat on the train without having to shove anyone to the ground, which made me happy.

Then, as I took my seat, ready to think about how I only have to make it through one more day before the weekend and the weekend is good even though when you wake up on Saturday morning it’s basically over, I noticed a woman standing in front of me, directly in front of the door.

Which made me unhappy.

It wasn’t anything she was wearing, and it wasn’t like she was singing loudly or anything like that, she was just… standing there.

I thought to myself, “Oh, well, clearly she’s just waiting for the next stop and that’s why she’s standing directly in front of the door and not off to the side.”

But then we arrived at a stop, and she just stood there.

So then I thought, “Oh, well, she’ll get off at the next stop.  This is fine.  You’re okay with this.  Let’s think about your dog’s ears.  Yes.  That makes you happy.”

But then another stop went by, and she was still… just… standing there.

And this is when I lost my mind.

I started fidgeting and looking around, thinking that someone had to be seeing this and what the hell is wrong with this woman???

I went over in my mind if I would ever just stand in front of the door for stops and stops and stops like some kind of mad man instead of just stepping aside and being more comfortable and I decided no!


Then I started cursing the woman’s very existence with thoughts like, “What, does she think she’s better than me??? What, she doesn’t need to sit like everyone else??? Because I could stand too!  I’m not, but I could, dammit!”

Then we arrived at another stop, and she got off the train.

I settled down a little after that, but c’mon, it was still pretty weird.


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56 responses to “pure insanity

  1. Ben

    I’m glad that you don’t even need a true catalyst for your blog posts anymore. It means that you’ll never run out of things to say and that can only mean good things for me.

    “God. Who do they think they are with their…breathing?!…fucking elitists…”

    Exactly. And what are you doing… Commenting?? What the fuck?? You think your comment is better than my blog???

  2. I hate when people do that! Why don’t they lean?! That’s what all those bars are there for! Don’t they need things to hold on to? Are they magical? Do they have magnets in their shoes that are holding them in place? WHY don’t they lean?!

    There is no reason to not use the damn pole. None!

  3. Wow, tough day?

    I have to tell you it wasn’t that bad.

  4. deutlich

    You’re special.

    I figured as much.

  5. Um yeah, I suggest you stay home today. Take a personal or sick day.

    Too late!

  6. She was right in the middle? Not even a little to the side? Well, damn! What is she thinking? If something happens, the door’s open, the train is still GOING, someone who’s having a slight nervous breakdown (i.e. you) loses it and pushes her out.

    And now, she’s lost her head.

    God, people these days…

    And I’d be totally justified in doing so.

  7. There’s nothing insane about hating people who don’t follow social norms on public transit. They need to be stopped. I hate it when people stand _next to_ an open seat. I have to get on and be like “Um… are you… is this… what the hell man, can I sit down, or what?”

    It’s hard to live most days.

  8. She’s probably someone that’s seen too many movies. She wants to be ready in case any zombies/terrorists/Steven Seagal get on the train.

    “fuck this, I’m outta here!”

    All she has to do is just step out the door while the rest of you wrestle to escape.

    But Seagal would be there to save us.

  9. i’m a much bigger fan of the people who lean on the train poles, so that you can’t hold onto anything while the train moves because they have to rest their entire body.

    I always shove my hand into their backs. They don’t like that.

  10. I’m with you on this – who doesn’t feel shame at being in the way? I’ve left parties and Grand Bazaars for less.

    This is why I’m here – to let people know what they do wrong.

  11. Matt

    I wish Denver had trains. Or any decent kind of public transportation for that matter.

    No you don’t. Trust me.

  12. it’s shit like this that makes me thrilled i don’t live in a city with mass-transit. i know i would just glare at people like this until i get shanked one day.

    Yeah, you’d be stabbed quick I bet. You’re too tiny. Do some pushups!

  13. Renee

    wow! take a deep breath dude! – no but for real – that would piss me right the hell off too!!
    It’s better than being thrown up on – on the train.
    Good luck with today’s commute.

    So did that happen to you? And if so, chunky or watery?

  14. Maybe her prosthetic knees were acting up that day and she couldn’t without some major awkwardness.

    It happens to me all the time. Damn cold weather…shit locks right up.

    I thought you looked weird.

  15. I bet she you pushed her down too many times trying to grab a seat and this is her way of rebelling against you. It worked.

    Outsmarted again.

  16. So what if I like to stand in front of doors. If anything, you were the creepy one staring at me the whole time. I thought you were gonna mug me!!

    I’m going to next time.

  17. I realize that stress causes all kinds of health issues and shortens your life expectancy – but your anger makes me so happy.

    Like the genius Zach de la Rocha said: “Anger is a gift.”

  18. Whew…you really know how to get your undies in a bundle. I suggest you bring an iPod or a book on the train with you to distract you from all the crazies.

    At least that way you can keep your own sanity.

    I did have my iPhone on. That’s how bad I get sometimes.

  19. CapriceClassic

    Maybe she just wanted to look at herself in the glass on the doors. She was prolly so enamored by herself that she just couldn’t take her eyes away from the magnificence that was her.

    Either that, or she DID think she was better than you.

    Do you listen to hip-hop? Well, every time I see your name I get this great song in my head by Visionaries, called “Blessings.” Check this song out if you’ve never heard it. Here’s the bars I think of:

    “In my Caprice Classic, thoughts concoct
    Tape deck broken, I got the boombox
    Listenin to musical ink blots brought
    By the funky president J. Rocc who’s settin shop.”

    Awesome song. Go listen to it.

  20. JJ

    That bitch!

    Fucking right.

  21. hahaha, you’re losing it dude. Too many years in brooklyn will do that to you. Next thing you know you’re gonna be wearing a dust mask 24/7 and wearing a plastic bag on your head to keep the rain out.

    I stand all the time too, (not in front of the door though) but only because I hate being up, then sitting down, and then getting up again in a span of 5 minutes. If I’m sitting down, its because I plan on camping out on that subway. Perhaps taking a nap while I am whisked around the boroughs.

    I know what you mean, but it was more of her just standing in the middle. I couldn’t take it.

  22. She probably moves really slow and has missed her chance to get off the train too many times.

    This happens in SF every day. I literally have to SHOVE my way out the door.

    I really like it actually. I like shoving people.

    I always figured you for the violent type.

  23. Nothing enrages me more than when people stand in front of the doors on the trains. What are they thinking?? GET OUT OF THE WAY.

    Your reaction was completely and totally rational, at least to me. Which, on second thought, might be cause for you to completely rethink your standards of sanity…

    Yeah, maybe I should.

  24. OK…I definitely agree with you on this, but I’d rather be in that situation that the one I was in the other day. We all know that public transportation is not very expensive, SO, it’s only expected to run into some less than desirable people.

    I sat down on the bus the other day next to a woman that “looked” crazy. I was on edge, but my heels did not allow standing in a moving vehicle. I looked over & KID YOU N-O-T. The woman had lice crawling everywhere.

    Now, I usually try not to be rude outwardly (inside my head is a different story) BUT I jumped out of my seat, got off at the next stop & walked the last 3 blocks to my destination.

    I’ll trade you the annoying woman on the train anyday!

    Mmmm… Lice. Time for lunch!

  25. J

    Um maybe you should quit your job.
    And move to Kentucky.

    Kentucky??? I think I’d die.

  26. you should have slapped her with a bag of dicks.

    Or just mine.

  27. k8

    Kinda like watching a fat person at a buffet, no?

    Well I kinda understand taking a long time at a buffet, but this was crazy!

  28. Seriously, at least stand off to the side of the doors so you don’t get whacked with laptop bags and baby strollers.

    At the very least.

  29. I detest public transportation.

  30. Did you confirm that everybody else saw her? Spooky.

  31. 6 pack

    You see stupid people……

  32. This is EXACTLY what I would do! Are you me? I would take it a step further…..I would sit and continue to stew about this woman even AFTER she got off. Then my husband would have to endure an entire hour or so of my tirade about how this woman is a complete Jack Hole and her existence has ruined my life.

  33. Reminds me of walking onto an elevator and not turning around. Everyone turns around to face the door as soon as they step on. If you don’t, it really freaks people out. People like you.

  34. S.

    You missed your shot! I have a hunch there were hidden cameras around and should you have done something about this madness that is standing you would have been on What Would You Do?

  35. Visit DC. You’ll see that all the time.

    But I find the fact that it bothers you this much far more intriguing.

  36. I don’t find that weird…. people do that all the time on the Dallas train.

  37. The only time I’ve known someone to stand in the doorway like that on a train is if they were blind…

  38. Sometimes you need to knee cap a bitch.

    *disclaimer. I love women. This was a joke for a cheap laugh. Please don’t firebomb my house.

  39. LMAO! Wait, I have to finish laughing before I can think of something to comment…

    Okay, wow, um, yeah, you should look into those pills that calm a person down. But, I guess if I would have been sitting there staring at the lady standing there, I would have had the same reaction, so maybe we should go halfies on a bottle of those pills that calm us down.

    Just so we dont’ freak out on people, who well, stand around.

  40. Maybe you should’ve tried talking to her. Maybe she was lonely or claustrophobic or something. Maybe just the sound of your voice, which I can only guess is rugged and oh so manly, would have soothed her enough to make her sit down, and therefore, relieving us from having to read your lame blog post. Lol. I kill me.

  41. tia

    i think you need to lay off the coffee.

  42. That’s exactly how I feel about the weekends too – That it’s practically over Saturday morning. That’s why I have to spend the entire weekend drunk so I don’t think about it.

  43. I often get irrationally mad at folks on the metro who sit in the outside seat, taking up the whole two seater. I get all vigilante on their asses and make them let me in or move over.

  44. I’m truly amazed at her lack of sensitivity. If you see her on the train again give me a call and I’ll come kick her ass for you. I mean, seriously, the unmitigated GALL!

  45. Maybe you’re the weird one, weirdo.

  46. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know that I’m not the only crazy one here.

  47. I live in Denver, so we don’t have a subway system, but I have been to New York and London, and that would drive me nuts too! Get outta the damn way and let people pass!

  48. i agree, that is pretty weird. it would definitely irk me too.

  49. Kez

    Public transport tends to bring out the angry person that is hidden inside us.

  50. That’s so weird. I used to get mad when people would try to throw themselves through the closing doors of a subway cars. Just because you were late for the train doesn’t mean I need to be late to work. Bastard people.

  51. I know the type. She’s what I’d call an in the way person. You want a bag of chips? Too bad, she’s in front of them. Want to push a button on the elevator, she’s playin defense on them. I really hate those people.

  52. Takin a small everyday incident like that,and turning it into a post…
    i wish I had that in me!!

    :)Good work …

  53. are we related? Because that really sounds like something I would think —if I had any subways around me. There is the tram thingy at Tampa airport and in Disney World…..

    But I do find myself irked by the weirdest stuff like that

  54. Did she at least move out of the way so other people could get on??


  55. wow. yeah, I second my friend Sara.. tough day? hehe

  56. I feel like Jack’s ears should ALWAYS calm you down. They make me giggle every time I look at a picture of him.

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