get what you want

I like to think of myself as a pretty influential guy, but I’m not sure I really am.

I think that when I tell people about a movie I enjoyed, they take that to heart and go see it. But I imagine what really happens is that they smile and nod and then two minutes later forget what we were talking about.

And I guess I’m okay with not being able to sway people’s thoughts, because it takes a special person to be able to do this.  There are really only a handful of people throughout history who have this ability.

Of course the first person that comes to mind is the kid who made the very first snowman.

Think about a snowman.

It’s three mounds of snow piled on top of each other, with a carrot and some other random stuff used to represent limbs, or in the case of Unique Snowmen, genitals.

They don’t look like a person at all.

Yet somehow, even though it looks nothing like it’s supposed to, it remains a semi-relevant figure in our world today.  Kind of like Tara Reid.

Whoever the kid was who made the first snowman had to be able to influence people in a major way.

Johnny: [Looking upon the first ever snowman] “Uh, Carl?  That doesn’t look like right.  I mean, it’s just three piles of snow.”

Carl: [Turning to Johnny] “Oh, it’s a person alright.  And you know why? Because I say so and because if you don’t tell everyone that this looks exactly like a person, I’m going to tell Cindy Lawson about how you still wet the bed.”

Johnny: [Starting to cry, and unfortunately, starting to dampen his pants] “I get nervous sometimes!”

Obviously Carl was a master of persuasion.

From then on every time a little kid sees snow falling to the ground, he thinks of rolling a bunch of snow together to form a big hunk of crap that doesn’t resemble what it’s supposed to in any way.

I wish I could be more like Carl, but sadly, I get nervous sometimes too.


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43 responses to “get what you want

  1. What about the first kid to dig a hole in the sand at the beach?

    He should totally hang with Carl.

    They’d be unstoppable!

    And diabolical!

  2. And don’t worry Chris. Everyone pees their pants sometimes.



  3. You know who else was a pretty influential guy? Hitler.

    Sometimes having influence isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

    But people loved him! Then they didn’t, but you know, it was probably good to be him at first.

  4. jay grochalski

    is this the same Carl that started Carl Jr.’s the famed west coast fast food joint. because if it is, it would be terrible for him to be famous for two things and some to be famous for doing nothing. okay, that said, no more absenthe before work.

    Or maybe more absinthe before work.

  5. I’m sure if you put your mind to it you could totally end world poverty and all wars.


    That’s not the type of influence you were referring to, was it?

    No, I just want to get my friends to watch Conan The Destroyer again. It really does hold up well.

  6. Matt

    I’m pretty sure that if Obama wanted to he could make snowmen illegal just by sending out an email.

    I hear he also has super strength.

  7. The Carl’s Jr guy was Carl Karcher and his grandson went to my Catholic High School.

    He was a total douchebag…and a Republican.

    Oh man, that’s doubly bad.

  8. Hmmm… this was quite and insightful post with a own dash of humor…so YOUR style..
    I liked it.
    Anyways.. you might be right in ur own way i guess..
    It is hard to get people to think our way…. unless we have some leverage..

    Hmmm… i think ur right… in my own way…

  9. I would have dampened my pants too, in fact I think I might have just a little bit reading about Carl.

    You totally did. It’s fine, paper towels can work wonders.

  10. ken

    influence is overrated.

    Really? I don’t think that’s possible.

  11. I wonder how lil Chris’ snowman would have been, had he(you) been the first to make it….I hope its like Batman!

    I actually think they were pretty lame. I am disappointing. Just like my Dad always told me.

  12. It’s kinda like synthetic flavor. I actually think watermelon bubble gum is what watermelon tastes like–Bubble Yum has some sway.

    Best gum ever? Gonzo Grape. Try it. You’ll never look back.

  13. Just make sure to keep an extra set of manties with you for the next time you get nervous.

    Hahaha – manties!

  14. That Cindy Lawson must’ve been a looker.

    She got boobs first.

  15. Cindy Lawson knew already. Women have a way of finding these things out.

    Women are so damn sneaky.

  16. Hold on, Tara Reid is still out there?!

    Oh yes. Her new movie.

  17. Dude, Carl sounds pretty Machiavellian. I like him. That Cindy Lawson, though,…man, she was like a doorknob, EVERYONE got a turn.

    Lies! I loved her!

  18. Do kids still make snowmen? Isn’t it raciest (they are always white), sexist (very few snow women), or just easily acomplished in some virtual world?

    Sadly, I bet they do have a video game where you build snowmen.

  19. i feel like someone needs to say that lumpy snowman mounds kind of resemble tara reid’s augmented bosoms. and is possibly why you thought of her as a semi-relevant reference.

    Oh, good point!

  20. I, for one, applaud the efforts of this particular schoolyard bully. Where would we be without Frosty the Snowman and Snowman Marshmallow Peeps? Nowhere, that’s where.

    I think Peeps keep your body from decomposing.

  21. Wasn’t Johnny the first guy to pee his name in the snow? I imagine after several creative efforts that went like…

    Carl: Oh, gross, you’re peeing! I’m telling Cindy.

    Johnny: I meant to do that. It’s a picture of, um, a lake. Because I said so! Watch out or I’ll sign my art and maybe aim for you!

    Getting peed on is never fun. Unless you’re into that. You know, some people are. Not me.

  22. I wish I had snowman boy’s influence.
    You don’t know how many people I have told to eff off, yet they keep coming back!

    Try violence.

  23. If Cindy Lawson had been worth her salt she would have made the first snow WOMAN and had some influence of her own.


    Very true.

  24. Poor Johnny. It’s not his fault.

    I know!

  25. saratogajean

    Your influence has almost extended to me thinking peeing your pants is cool.

    But you, sir, are no Miles Davis.

    Snowmen, though…thumbs up.

    I am so a black jazz player. Look closer at my picture.

  26. You’ve inspired me to make a snowman today.

    Make it a weird one, like Calvin and Hobbes.

  27. When it snows here, people make dirty snowlittlepeople. There’s never enough snow for an average-sized individual, so kids end up scraping every flake from their yards – and some mud and grass as well – and compiling a strange looking snowmidgets. It’s rather pitiful…

    That is kind of sad.

  28. That Carl may be a dick, but he gets shit done.


  29. I made a snowman once.

    It melted.

    I cried.

    So did I.

  30. I cant even make a proper snowman without tripping, maybe because im not used to snow where I live. heh.

    ps. I wonder who else is influential? Paris Hilton? why people still give a damn about her anyway?

    I think Steven Seagal is influential.

  31. S.

    You’ll get there one day Chris, you have a blog.


  32. I haven’t made a snow(wo)man in years. I need to get on that. Lord knows I have no shortage of snow here. *mumble mumble*

    Nice. Of course you had to put the “wo” in there. Snowperson, is that better?

  33. I like to think the snowman was created in a movie/cartoon first and then it showed up IRL.

    Well that’s weird isn’t it?

  34. What about the carrot nose and the coal buttons? Total. Genuis. And the kid who was like, I’m just going to use celery — uhhh, no.

    Celery is only good when it has peanut butter on it.

  35. Suz

    Can I just say I look forward to the “tags” of your posts more than anything else? They are like they final punchline to a very long joke. Love it!


  36. Then they made that movie about the snowman that was really the dad and he looked in the windows like a peeping tom.

    That was so creepy.

  37. It’s not too late for you to start building up a stockpile of items with which to blackmail people with. Really that’s all you need to successfully influence people.

  38. J

    Snowmen are weird.
    And Cindy Lawson was probably ugly.

  39. I don’t know. What else are you going to do to celebrate how awesome the snow is? Especially when there’s just not enough to build an igloo. Three mounds is a pretty good way to celebrate.

    Will that make sense when I’m sober?

  40. it’s like we all have been brainwashed in the art of snowman making…

    “Kind of like Tara Reid” I can totally see it!!

  41. With great power comes great responsibility. Now think of poor Carl, forever trying to outdo that first snowman- and he NEVER CAN.

  42. Tim

    I was going to comment on what you wrote, but in the two minutes it took me to read all the other comments, I had forgotten what your post was about.

  43. Great Post.

    If there was one person who I thought was influential I would say Ghandi.

    The guy had people believing that setting yourself on fire was a peaceful way of protest.


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