lucky me

In case you’re Sad Inside All The Time, and didn’t realize – this Sunday is the Super Bowl.

Because I grew up in Pittsburgh, I am completely obsessed with all things Steelers, so that means at the end of the game I’ll either be dead if they lose, or crying tears of joy if they win.

I’m not too worried about having to throw myself off the Brooklyn Bridge though, because I’m confident in my team, and I’m confident in my dirty underwear.

You see, as a fan, I’m morally obligated to do certain things that can/will help my team win, and my list includes, but is not limited to:

  1. Text “Game Day.” to my friends who are Steelers fans as soon as I wake up, even if it’s at 8 AM.  This may or may not upset them.
  2. Buy two tall boy cans of Coors Light.  I must start drinking right at kick off, not a moment before.
  3. Drink these beers from my special Steelers glass that is kept on the right side of my freezer until I take it out.  I hear Bill Gates does this and look where it got him.
  4. Put on the same clothes that I wore during their first playoff win weeks ago. Yes, that means the same boxer briefs, the same sweatpants, the same t-shirt and the same jersey.  All unwashed of course.  Everyone knows washing them negates all the stored up luck.
  5. Tuck in the Troy Polamalu jersey on my left side.  This helps with beer consumption and high fives, as there is no extra clothing in my way.
  6. Place my designated Game Day Terrible Towel on my right leg.  No not my left, don’t be ridiculous.
  7. Rub my dog’s head before a play that I’m nervous about.  He can bite me if he wants; he is not bound by this list.
  8. Yell and punch my couch when something bad happens to the Steelers.  I assume this is Ari and my neighbor’s favorite one.

As you can see this list is quite logical and everything on here, when done correctly, helps the Steelers win.

Of course if the Steelers lose on Sunday, you’ll never hear from me again, because I will kill myself.

But let’s hope that doesn’t happen.  Okay?

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58 Comments

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58 responses to “lucky me

  1. Thanks for not diming me out and telling everyone that you had to inform me the Superbowl is this week.

    No problem.

  2. Eh, I don’t think you have much to worry about. As someone who isn’t a Steelers or Cardinals fan, I’m pretty sure your boys have got this one in the bag.

    I’m cautiously optimistic.

  3. I have a similar routine for the puppy bowl. I have to wear the same German shepherd sweatshirt that I’ve worn every year and eat puppy-shaped cookies from a dog bowl, or every dog with spots will choke on a chewy toy and die. It’s a lot of responsibility.

    Tell me about it!

  4. I do not care about the super bowl and so I will just say that I need a nap and that I ate a jelly donut this morning.

    Thanks for sharing.

  5. Ben

    I never liked the Superbowl until my Dad got a giant TV and soundsystem worth more than my education. Now I still don’t like football but I do like the tender glow and thunderous rumble of just about anything that happens on screen.

    Plus the excuse to get hammered and eat shitty food is always welcome.

    Exactly, everyone can appreciate that.

  6. Even though I don’t care either, considering there will be a bunch of people in the hospital after the game, I really think I should get paid extra for working this weekend.

    Seriously.

    I nominate you for a raise. Tell your boss I said so.

  7. WHAT? Start drinking only at kickoff? SHAMEFUL. You should start drinking as soon as you wake up. Or at the very least, noon.

    I know, but this is what I did for the first playoff game, so I can’t mess with it now.

  8. I’m with Ben, it’s all an excuse to me to drink Tall Cans of beer and have Melted Cheese on everything.

    Good luck, Goooooo Steelers!

    Yes!

  9. CapriceClassic

    Go Cardinals!!!

    Blasphemy!

  10. @crissy — a jelly donut? Yum. I want a donut!

    What’s going on this weekend?

  11. Matt

    The tall boys are always a good choice.

    Damn right.

  12. I know the Cardinals aren’t going to win but I’m rooting for them anyway. Gooooo under dogs!

    Bah!

  13. Now all I can think about is donuts and you sitting around marinating in your dirty underwear.

    Yeah…That’s really not nearly as sexy as it sounds.

    Oh but it is…

  14. Superstitious fool. You and I both know that, except for drinking beer and punching things, none of that other stuff will help your team in any way. That’s why you should make it 4 tall boys and put on some boxing gloves.

    I like your idea about more beer, but it’d be hard to drink it with my gloves on.

  15. the closest i’ve gotten to even acknowledging the superbowl is seeing an ad on the television and thinking to myself “chris likes the steelers.”

    that is the most i will participate in this event.

    That’s awesome! I’ve affected your life. Or is it effected? I fucking hate that one.

  16. Kate

    Just make sure I’m not sitting on the part of the couch you start punching, okay?

    Approach the couch with caution.

  17. @melissasparkleypantslion and @crissy and @gina

    I haven’t had a donut in over ten years. If I have one this weekend, can Sunday be heretofore known as “The SuperawesomebutguiltyfeelingSundaythatwasnotaboutfootballbutinsteadaboutfriedbreakfastfoods”?

    I’m not good at naming things.

  18. I’ve got my black nail polish ready and my Here We Go shirt is just waiting for Sunday. I’m ready. Let’s do this.

    I am so excited I might explode.

  19. I forgot what it was like to have playoff superstitions. Apparently my regular season superstitions don’t work because the Redskins suck, but maybe they would work in the playoffs.

    Despite the Redskins sucking I do have a vested interest in this Super Bowl though. Sportsbook.com has 16 pages of prop bets. I’m all over Larry Fitzgerald over 95.5 yards. Also I have some money on the coin toss. So that should be exciting.

    You’re taking the over??? No way. Clark (ex Skins player, thanks for him) is going to lay him out. You heard it here first. Also, a couple of my good friends are Skins fans, so I know what you’ve been going through.

  20. lose? how dare you, sir! all the same, i’ll be wearing the shitty black Steelers t-shirt instead of the new gray AFC champs one. GO STEELERS!

    Fucking right!

  21. If you jump off the bridge, are you planning on changing your underwear first? What is it they say about only wearing underwear you would want to be caught dead in?

    Well, they are pretty nice ones, so I think I’ll stay in them.

  22. My Jets hadn’t made it any-freakin’-where near the damn Super Bowl so I’m bitter as hell.
    BUT!!
    I will root for the Steelers ‘cos you are. Can’t watch the Bowl and be neutral.

    I appreciate it.

  23. This makes me want to like football. Unfortch, I don’t think Canadians are allowed to.

    Yeah, I think it’s in your constitution. Wait, do you have one of those?

  24. You boys and your superstitions!

    It’s completely different when I do stuff like that for the Red Sox. That’s necessary.

    Let’s hear some of your superstitions! Damn, that’s a hard word to spell.

  25. k8

    I vote for more beer.

    I wish beer was our president.

  26. Re your response to amindinmotown – I was cautiously optimistic once, too. About the Eagles beating the Cardinals.

    Just sayin’

    Oh jesus, don’t scare me like that.

  27. What is this thing you call “superbowl”? Hmm…

    I’m kidding!! You can breath again.

    I was only going to hold it for three minutes. That’s what she said!

  28. wow I had no idea the super bowl was this Sunday. WOO! another excuse to drink beer. my favorite.

    It makes things better.

  29. HAHAHAA you know im gonna watch it over here on monday morning at 6 am because some bars will open for it? 😛 but lets see if i can wake up or not.

    Wake up!

  30. boxers with dirty ball sweat?!

    eeeew

    Correction: Lucky dirty ball sweat.

  31. i only have 2 more words for you buddy (as i am naturally a Pats fan) –
    Go Cards!

    Don’t even get me started on the (cough, cough CHEATERS) that the Pats are.

  32. Red

    I’m cautiously optimistic, too. My boy is from Pittsburgh and I adopted the Stillers back in ’05, which was when we got together. They had a good year. We broke up in early Dec. of ’06, and got back together last February. During the game against the Ravens in Dec, I said to him, “You realize part of me thinks the Steelers are going to win the Super Bowl ’cause we got back together.” Crazy? A little, but on :Sunday it could happen. Then if he ever breaks up with me again I’m going to write the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette about it and explain that that’s why the Steelers will never win another Super Bowl. They would totally print it, too, and he’d never be able to step foot in that town again.

    I, too, wear the same clothes and underwear, but I do wash them. I also bust out the hat he lent me during the AFC finals and Super Bowl for the ’05 season. And recently I got a #7 jersey and a terrible towel of my very own.

    But it’s awesome that you’ve got a Polamalu jersey. That guy’s got the heart of an entire team himself. Here we go!

    Oh man, please stay together. At least until Monday, okay?

  33. Bloody hell, I sure hope the Steelers win!!

    Me too, my Mom might be upset if I die.

  34. mindy

    you are straight up INSANE, dude!!

    Hahaha! This coming from you?

  35. I’m impressed you’ll watch with people… Our Steelers friend told us he had to watch alone, because we might try to talk during the game.

    Yeah, I’ve thought about watching it by myself, but it’s much more fun with people around.

  36. S.

    Go Steelers!

    (for the sake of reading this blog-don’t kill yourself!)

    That’s the spirit!

  37. I tried to convince my husband that we need to have a Super Bowl party but he wouldn’t agree. Because we’re, uh, Canadian and don’t follow football at all. I’m crushed. I was really looking forward to drinking beer and eating chicken wings and nachos all day. It’s just sad when I do it for no reason.

    Oh it’s not that sad, I won’t judge you.

  38. That couch won’t step out of line if that couch knows what’s good for it.

  39. wow. that’s an impressive list.
    I’ll be rooting for the Steelers.

  40. ML

    GO STEELERS! WOOOOOOOO!

    * ahem* … I’m always glad to see a fellow Steelers fan, let alone know that I read the blog of a fellow Steelers fan. Rock on, man.

  41. longredcape

    Coors Light Tall Boy = WIN

  42. I was actually going to write a post about how the superbowl is bringing back terrible memories and making me bitter all over again and I don’t think I’ll be able to watch it. I’m sorry, but the Steelers make me very upset. I’m too emotionally fragile for it.

  43. I am totally pulling for your Steelers. I like Roethlisberger and his sister plays here for the University of Oklahoma’s Womens Basketball team and she likes her brother and that’s good enough for me.

  44. there’s a game on sunday? i thought it was just commercials 🙂

  45. Yeah, I gave up on superstitions after my team, the Bills lost 4 years in a row. I won’t even get started on the Sabres….

  46. Mwahhahahahahahahaaaa! All you steelers fans are going to need those little superstitious acts Chris has got planned! The Cardinals are going to kiss some ass, bitches! Woot woot! Yeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

  47. I hope that “texting everyone when you wake up” can include a tweet out to me on Sunday!

    I can’t believe that they are going to the Super Bowl TWICE in my college life here in Pittsburgh. It’s amazing.

    This year, now that I’m 21, you can bet I’ll be in the Southside ALLLLL day, getting wasted, with my Terrible Towel and my Hines Ward jersey (I can’t wear my Polamalu jersey yet since I only got it a few weeks ago–that’s my only superstition now, I can’t wear any new Steelers gear till a brand new season).

    GO STEELERS!

  48. I feel the same way about the Red Sox. In fact I actually think I am on the team.

    I am not a big football fan, I only watch so I can consume so much alcohol that by the time the game is over I am not only a fan but people leave with bruises.

  49. The jersey tuck move is brilliantly efficient and I don’t know why this isn’t more publicized.

  50. nicoleantoinette

    A man came into Williams Sonoma today in FULL Steelers gear. Hat, fleece pull over, sweatpants, the whole deal.

    I thought of you.

  51. you will be in my thoughts on this high holy day. i hope they pull through. i may not see the end of the game because i’ll be passed out drunk from the pain of never seeing the browns in a superbowl

  52. This blog is awesome! I am a huge Broncos fan and I go through similar routines. One of the most painful games in my recent history was when the Steelers came to Denver and whipped our ass on our own field in the AFC Championship. Oh well, we suck! Good luck Sunday!

  53. tia

    oh boy…i hope you’ll be twittering during all of this excitement. i want to stay updated.

  54. I think you have the right idea. All those rituals have so much more to do with winning a game than say, athletic talent or good coaching.

  55. Tim

    When the Eagles were all but out of the playoffs in late November I gave up my supersitions, took off my jersey and starting watching the game in my basement with iced coffee, not beer. Eight weeks later it was all my fault that they lost because I watched the first half on my living room tv upstairs.

    Don’t change a thing.

  56. I have an everyday Steelers hat that I wear (black with logo, velcro adjustable (purchased at a CoGo’s in Beaver County)), a gameday Steelers hat (semi-fitted wool), the hat that Red wears (gold with logo (purchased at Heinz Field)), and a back up in storage (black fitted with stenciled “P” and small logo) just in case anything happens to the other 3.

  57. i’m rooting for the steelers since my dad is also a steelers fan. and i hope that if they do lose you don’t cry. i saw too many macho bears fans crying two years ago….sad.

    not saying that you’re macho or anything…

  58. justcallmenora

    where in Pittsburgh did you grow up?! I grew up there too and I am a die-hard Steelers fan!!

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