tour date

I’m very particular about music.

I like what I like and I’m not one to budge from my opinions.  Granted, that means I might argue the artistic merits of Eddie Money and in the next sentence mention that I think the Beatles are overrated, but these are my opinions, and I’m not shy about sharing them.

Eddie Money > The Beatles.

This is why I can’t be one of those people who dates musicians, because the likelihood of the band being complete garbage is about 98.7%, and the likelihood of me telling the girl I’m dating that is about 175%.

Think about the music that is played on the radio right now.  Pretty much all of it sucks, and this is the music that is supposed to be good.  Or at least deemed good by old white guys who somehow think it’s okay for them to wear turtle necks and say things like “fucking right bro.”

There’s no getting around listening to the band of a person you’re dating either, so at some point, I’d have to go to practice/watch them sit around and play video games and drink.

And after that, even if I somehow make it out of the practice by issuing vague opinions like, “I thought it sounded like music,” I’d inevitably have to go to a show.

This would obviously be the tipping point.

Because before, maybe the sex was fantastic enough to drown out the pain I experienced listening to the band practice, or maybe she just made really good tacos and that was enough to forget about all the songs dedicated to her cats.

But now – now I’d actually have to go out in public and act like I enjoy the music.  I imagine after I have two beers and the band starts on the first song, I’d leave.

And when she asked me later on that night what happened to me, I’d just smile and say, “Your band’s music is so bad it makes my ears bleed.  So despite what you think you’re not going to ever, ever ‘make it,’ so please just stop and get a job at Sears because at least there you could get a discount on cool looking washing machines.  But you do make a mean fish taco.”

I think we’d probably break up, but you never know.


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47 responses to “tour date

  1. You just have to learn to “tune out” like how Homer Simpson’s brain can. I do it all the time!

    I have a really hard time doing that.

  2. Matt

    Do you guys have Wahoo’s fish tacos out there?

    Fucking delicious. Whoever invented putting fish inside of a taco was genius.

    Nope, we don’t. Now I know what to do if I come to Denver though.

  3. I once dated the lead singer of a band. He was hot. The band was not.

    Didn’t last long, right?

  4. bwp

    this was hysterical and all-around amazing. Thank for making my Tuesday morning rule.

    Thanks – that’s a big compliment. Tuesdays are the worst.

  5. Before you break up you could steal all her panties and throw them on stage at her – at first she would think the crowd really liked it – then she would notice her name written in marker on the back band.

    Or I could color in the butt part! No one likes seeing shit stains, even if they are fake.

  6. There is always the option of smoking a bit of weed or drinking a lot of beers because once you are toasted all music sounds awesome!

    That’s true.

  7. I absolutely do not understand the music my husband plays with his band. Other people think they’re awesome, so apparently it’s just me.

    They call themselves Seaman.

    Yes, they do.

    Very fitting.

  8. And I find them hard to swallow.



    No, that was good! Well done.

  9. this reminds me of high school. it was so cool to date a guy in a band but 99% of the time, the band sucked. then you had to pretend to like it because you were 17 and didn’t know better.

    Right, and everyone thinks your cool, while in private you curse the day you let him feel you up.

  10. CapriceClassic

    Fish tacos can make you do the unthinkable.

    Damn right.

  11. Good thing that, in reality, you’re one of those people no longer able to date at all.

    P.S. Eddie Money < The Beatles.

    Exactly. Otherwise there’d be a lot of songs about me out there by shitty bands. And I’ll take an eddie song 7 times out of 10 over a Beatles song.

  12. rachel

    everyone needs a cool looking washing machine…the only trump to that, of course, being the cool looking dryer.

  13. Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you???

    My cousins are all in bands. Only one of them is really good. At least you can break up w/ your band girlfriend…

  14. you haven’t suffered until you’ve dated someone for almost two years, who was a massive Rush fan. there is no suffering like a saturday night spent listening to Rush.

    Oh my god. I can’t believe you lasted that long.

  15. A friend’s husband had a band, and they would play his music for me. The lyrics were, honest to god, like “I hate being married and I want to just sleep with other people,” kind of in the style of Rage. And then they would look at me and ask me what I thought. I always just told them I thought it was “nice” which didn’t make them look happy.

    Haha – I’m sure they’re both very happy with each other.

  16. I am not sure but I think I read The Beatles are overrated. I am just going to pretend I did not see that.

    You did see it! And it’s true! You can’t handle the truth! And other various over-quoted movie lines.

  17. Kyle

    Actually, I think the most annoying thing about possibly dating a musician is that she would want to “sing” you to sleep after sex. If she has a guitar, that’s even worse.

    That’s when you pull out the “time for a sandwich!” line. Women love hearing that after sex.

  18. RB

    Take me home tonight.

    I mean, not in that way. But it is arguably better than at least a few Beatles song. I will give you that.

    Yes, it is good stuff.

  19. Fish tacos would be worth the ear plugs and bad concert draft beer.

    They better be some damn good tacos.

  20. are you telling me your not going to come see my band when we start playing out? because i do think you would like it.

    and i only wrote one song about cats. and sex and the city. it’s a ballad.

    Hahaha – I am totally interested in the ballad.

  21. I can’t read this and take it seriously because I know you like Bob Marley and there is just no excuse for that kind of behavior.

    Rastaman vibrations yeah! Positive!

  22. I once dated a girl whose previous boyfriend had been in a really bad punk band (that ended up writing a song about me after she left him for me. It was less than complimentary). After this debacle, her criteria for men seemed largely based on them not being in crappy bands she’d have to go see and pretend to support.

    You have chosen wisely.

    Thank you.

  23. Eddie Money better than The Beatles? Nope – sorry. Not working! You just don’t like expressing a preference for something society expects you to admire. Sort of how I feel about “Citizen Kane,” except that CK truly IS a shitty, shitty film, and in terms of deserving praise, TONS more overrated than The Beatles.

    No, because I like ABBA.

  24. I date a musician whose music I cannot listen to. It’s a hardship, but if you can compartmentalize that one section it works out okay.

    I don’t understand how you can do that. I simply cannot fathom being able to overlook that.

  25. who the fuck is Eddie Money?

    A fucking legend.

  26. I dated a few musicians. It’s all you described it as…and more. I do not do that anymore.

    I bet you have songs about you!

  27. Or you forget to show up to the show, the same show where he (or in your case she, I’m guessing) decides to dedicate a song to you, which starts the Great Fight of 2003.

    Ah, the Great Fight of 2003 – I heard about this in the Times. I hear it got pretty ugly. Something about the guy “under performing where it counted.”

  28. Did someone disparage Rush in these comments?!?!

    This is a travashamockery!

    Dude c’mon, Rush is horrible.

  29. I dated someone who was in multiple horrible bands. It was torture.

    I feel for you.

  30. how does deutlich not know who eddie money is?

    Take Me Home Tonight will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day…and that’s not a bad thing.

    I know! She’s supposed to know music right? Educate her please.

  31. i seem to only date dudes in bands. good think i picked the one with a whole lot of talent!

    You are one of the lucky ones.

  32. mean guy haha wonder if the guys i date hate my music.

    You’ll never know probably. Unless you break up.

  33. I don’t like my boyfriend’s band. I love the shows that they play at (punk rules!), but I’m not much for the sXe hardcore. I keep trying to convince them to become a Cure cover band. The reaction has been, at best, lukewarm.

    I’m like Yoko Ono. Only cooler. And unsuccessful. And not Asian.

    I don’t think any mention of the Cure has ever been met with any reaction other than lukewarm.

  34. I saw Eddie Money in concert about a year and a half ago. It changed my life.

    Damn! I’m jealous.

  35. longredcape

    Did you get the idea for this from our gchat the other day? Heh.

  36. How do you feel about karaoke?

    Do you pretend you’re part of a KGB of Karaoke…approving everyone song to make sure its bar worthy?

    If so, we need more of those people, seriously.

    If I hear Grease one more time, I’ll scream.

  37. I hate it when people who consider themselves music experts ask you what kind of music you listen to. It’s like they are going to base their entire opionion of you in your answer. It’s too much pressure. I can’t handle it.

  38. God, I still cannot believe you hate the Beatles. it makes me so so so sad.

  39. Do chicks in bands get as much ass as dudes in bands? Someone find me my tambourine.

  40. Red

    Last night EG and I saw the Pretenders, and they rocked hard. I could totally date any of those guys, and then I could hang out with Chrissie Hynde. That would be _awesome_.

    But I’ll probably stick with EG. He does follow the best football team EVER!

    Still feels damn good.

  41. Try dating (then marrying) a sound engineer. You’ll never enjoy music again, ever, because they will pick it apart, piece by piece, whether in the car or at a venue or in your living room.

  42. Fish taco? What are you trying to say?


  43. I think it’s safe to say that if music is played on the radio than there is an 80% chance that it is horrible. That might be a conservative estimate.

  44. What about classical musicians? So long as it’s not a woodwind, that’d be kind of nice. Well, maybe saxophone is OK. Ooh, find a jazz girlfriend!

    I play piano. I do not expect my boyfriend to listen to me practice.

  45. I’m a musician and my wife married me, regardless of the bands I’ve played in. And I’ve never, never, never asked to her come to any gigs I’ve played. Despite that, she’s come to a few. I think she does it just to bag me, which isn’t a bad thing.

    And you do realise that ‘fish taco’ is a euphemism for vagina, right? Or am I too stupid to miss the obvious reference that everyone else has latched onto?

  46. tia

    since i have extensive experience on this very subject…i will say that all of the above is not only possible, but also probable.

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