mass appeal

My block is like any other block in Brooklyn, in that one street can be beautiful with children playing games on the sidewalk, and the next street can be full of intimidating men Selling Things.  Things that are bad.  Bad like drugs.  Drugs are bad.

Just like the norm, my street is pretty nice, but in the early morning when I go to the gym before work, at the end of my block there are always hookers hanging around.

Normally I pass by them and they pay me no mind, which is usually okay with me, but this morning was different.  Today I happened to find myself walking just behind another man, and when he passed by, one of the hookers slithered up to him and sexily (well as sexily as a mid-50’s woman with a crack habit can sound) murmured, “Hey baby…”

I didn’t stick around to see if they were going to start playing Chinese Checkers or whatever it is men do with hookers, but I did notice that there was another prostitute standing right by them, and she said nothing to me.


No “Hey baby.”

No “What chu up to today suga?”

No “You look like you have low self-esteem.  Well so do I, so you should pay me for sex that will probably leave you with red bumps on your soldier.”


Of course I was deeply upset about this.  What could be the reason that I didn’t get solicited?

Am I not good looking enough for a hooker hanging around at 6:10 in the morning?  Granted my shoes could use a shine, but couldn’t she look past that?

Or maybe the hooker gave me a once over and thought that I would not be able to provide the Good Time that she wanted.  Well does she even know that I work out?  I mean, if she wants three minutes you better believe I can give three minutes.  Followed by a snack and a nap of course.

It doesn’t really matter what the reason was, the fact remains that I was given the cold shoulder by a hooker today and that means I need to make some changes.

Starting tomorrow morning I’m going to unbutton my shirt to show my twelve chest hairs when I pass by them.  If that doesn’t change their minds, I don’t know what will.


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67 responses to “mass appeal

  1. Try a trail of dollar bills…

    Can you lend me some? Just to get started?

  2. Matt

    You probably looked like a cop in your workout clothes.

    They dont like cops.

    BTW, congrats on being in the printed blog this week man.

    I don’t like cops either. Time for a wardrobe upgrade. And thanks man, I just saw that.

  3. CapriceClassic

    Unfuckingbelievable! The nerve of those skanks not to want you! You prolly intimidate them with your sexiness – which is why they never approach you. They knew the other guy was an unsexy schmuck – totally not your fault.

    Of course! My Sexiness is always getting me into trouble, why didn’t I think of that before?

  4. Maybe you should carry a granola bar with you or some such…so she KNOWS there will be a snack afterwords.

    Good idea!

  5. Once, a woman in front of the Vet was passing out fliers for a strip club, and she walked past my friends to give it to me, which made me think, “Great. Of all the people I know, I look the most like I need to pay women to take their clothes off.” Better to be in your boat, sir.

    So you went, right?

  6. You should comb your hair over too.. because comb overs are total hooker magnets.

    If I had enough to comb over I would.

  7. My guess is that the man and the hooker had a … um … history together?

    I’m sure that the all the crack whores would be all over your shit if employed just one of them.

    Yes! I hope they work for Twix bars.

  8. Fucking priceless! LMAO! You look fine, just chalk it up to looking like the po-po.

    And it’s green bumps, not red ones, that they’ll leave on your soldier. And those green bumps hatch locusts.

    That’s fucking nasty.

  9. Maybe she was just sleeping with her eyes open. Or you were just too hot for her and she was in complete awe of your hotness that she couldn’t say anything.

    Probably the former.

  10. You wear button down shirts to the gym? Do you tuck it into your track pants? Even hookers know you shouldn’t tuck.

    No, see I have to wear my work clothes there, and then change into gym clothes. I’m not an idiot. Well…

  11. They don’t slither up to men who look like they don’t have any money.

    Time to flash some ones.

  12. I don’t know about them but the 12 chest hairs would totally get me. They must be blind. 🙂

    Tell me about it!

  13. More bling. Definitely more bling.

    *Oooooo bright and shiny!!!*

    Going to get a Jesus chain at lunch.

  14. Tim

    When I make my annual drunken trek to a strip club this always happens to me! I sit there thinking “Don’t come up to me, don’t come up to me.” Then when they pass by, I think “Why didn’t she come up to me?” 2010 will be my year!

    It’s the Year Of Tim!

  15. practice a cheesy pick up line and a good butt smack?

    I’ll have to work on my line, but I am a pro at ass smacks.

  16. Maybe you look like you can get ladies for free?

    But I didn’t even shave this morning.

  17. Erika

    Since they are old lady hookers (is there nothing better?) maybe they think you won’t like them because of their age. They just need some positive reinforcement! Instead of hanging out with your young, pretty fiancee, you should gather up a gang of old ladies that look as though they want to jump you because you’re so hot. Trust me, those hookers will be all over you.

    Right, now where to find a bunch of old ladies… The Bingo hall!

  18. The grown men play Charades with with hookers. Now you know. Your welcome.

    Ah ha! The game hilarious body language!

  19. In San Francisco, I saw this hooker standing against a building with an extremely happy man. I’m supposing he was a John and not a pimp. Pimps aren’t happy, right?

    Anyhow, the smiley guy was NOT wearing shiny shoes. This might go deeper than we expected.

    Dammit – well I better get to studying up on this.

  20. I’m glad to see that you’re setting some goals for yourself.

    Please tell my Mom.

  21. Red

    Honey, you’ve posted a picture of your abs. I’m guessing you look like you don’t need to pay for it. Which, Ari considered, I’m guessing you don’t.

    Though if you’re really a three minute man, maybe we should get Ari some numbers ;-P

    She’s taking applications as we speak.

  22. This reminds me of a story I need to write up for my own blog. It’ll be up shortly.

    Anyway, I think you should take it as a compliment. Was this other guy ugly? Probably. And when they saw you they probably thought “well, I bet that guy is getting it all the time from the ladies” (or in this case, one lady), but still. See? Compliment!

    Bah! I want hooker love! Sorry Ari.

  23. She was playing hard to get.

    Oh she’s gonna get something hard alright.

  24. just remember…hookers carry diseases, no matter how cheap they are, they carry diseases.

    I should put that on a post-it note.

  25. You may have that “I don’t sleep with hookers” look on your face. (For a similar reason, no one has ever offered to sell me drugs.)

    OR you are TOO GOOD LOOKING for them, and made them nervous. In which case, you may want to be gentle when unleashing upon the “dirty dozen” upon them.

    But I think they like it rough.

  26. Maybe she thought you were homosexual?

    Wouldn’t be the first time.

  27. Don’t worry, Apollo, you just don’t look self loathing and desperate. Hookers pick up on that stuff.

    I’ll have to try harder.

  28. No wedding ring.

    Trust me, once you marry Ari, the hookers will be all over you like brown on rice.

    (I’m very health conscious)

    I can’t wait to get married!

  29. Who can resist a man with 12 whole chest hairs? Not me, that’s for sure. I prefer 13, but 12 would do.

    13? I don’t know who has that many, some freak of nature for sure.

  30. therapyisexpensive

    My assumption is that since since they see you on a regular basis they know you to be a local and as such “respect” you by not soliciting you. Perhaps if you walked down a different block it’s hookers would try to lure you in…or you could try the chest hair thing.

    That’s a good point, and who would’ve thought – respectful hookers.

  31. Did someone say you’re too good looking for a hooker?

    Last I checked too good looking and hooker should never be in the same sentence.

    Damn right.

  32. Maybe you’re *too* hot for her?

    Too hot for a hooker? Impossible.

  33. I feel the same way when someone doesn”t offer me drugs. Not that I do drugs but it is polite to at least ask.

    Yes you do, you’re a blogger, all bloggers get high.

  34. Aw, it’s probably not because you don’t look good. It’s probably because she thought you were gay. You should practice your manly walk.

    Yes, time to strut.

  35. I would have been pissed if I were you too. I’m guessing that she doesn’t you’re such a good boxer.
    Next time you see her, take a strong pimp hand to the situation. She’ll be begging for some of what you got after that.

    Good idea, women love to be hit.

  36. This is just proof that she wasn’t a good businesswoman. I mean, people in her line of work (I’m assuming she’s not a high-end escort) can’t really afford to be choosy.

    I know!

  37. put a wedding ring on
    i believe that’s their target audience

    Can’t wait for September.

  38. maybe you just have that i beat hooker aura about you.

    But I’m such a nice young man.

  39. That is quite the dilemma…maybe you need to give her more of an up down look. And spend a lot of time on the chestal region.

    Yes, good idea, I love the chestal region.

  40. why do the hookers have to be the ones to make the first move? you can always ask them if they want to play chinese checkers first, ya know….

    I’m shy!

  41. Just Playing Pretend

    Drugs are bad? You learn something every day.

    Don’t let that stop you though.

  42. Toe

    Look on the bright side, maybe they thought you were just too much to handle?

    Hell yes.

  43. “Starting tomorrow morning I’m going to unbutton my shirt to show my twelve chest hairs when I pass by them.”

    Now all you need is a gold chain that spells out BALLZ! Then you will be hooker bait.

    That would be pretty sweet.

  44. She probably only solicits men who are sending off a “I haven’t had sex in seven years” vibe. Take it as a compliment and testament to your existing sex life.

    I guess I could think of it that way.

  45. I’ll tell my Mom – she’ll make an effort tomorrow. Sorry about that – she’s a bit picky.

  46. I think you probably looked too clean. They’re not used to guys that have good hygiene.

  47. Say what? They didn’t say anything to you…no, I can’t believe it! FS’s….that sucks…what if you don’t shower after gym and release your masculine pheromones? That can’t fail!

  48. Aw. If I were a hooker I’d hit on you!

  49. hautepocket

    Man, you just gotta make it rain on them bitches. Hookers love cash. Or so I’ve heard.

  50. maybe if you walk down the street flashing hundreds they’ll swarm after you 🙂

  51. next time pump the eyebrows and give her the gun finger…works everytime

  52. You say drugs are bad? And you wonder why hookers aren’t into you?

    Must be the shoes.

  53. Yeah, if you aren’t wearing a ring, they probably don’t give a shiz. You’d think it’d be a question of how much money they can make and therefore would do anyone, but this seems to be more about the “chase.” Sorry, man.

  54. Were you wearing your smart work clothes (assuming you dress smart for work)? If so, maybe she thought you were too fancy for her services. Lose the tie next time!

  55. You can pay me for sex any day!

    I mean… uhhh, better luck next time?

  56. you clearly look like you get enough not to have to pay for it. that is my guess, i mean. not like i know what hookers look for in potential johns or anything. although once i watched a show called “hookers & johns” on hbo. it was rather enlightening.

  57. Just unzip your pants part of the way and then dangle a $100 through there. I bet that will get their attention.

  58. Omg might you live on Putnam & Broadway? Just be glad you don’t have the Neptune Hotel on your block! Don’t be so hard on yourself. She could probably just sense that you like high class hookers, that’s all! So there there, let’s turn that frown upside down! That a boy!

  59. I’d take it as a compliment, that they know you’re legit. Like when I’m walking through Times Square, and people offer theater tickets to the more obvious tourists but not me. Or when I’m in France, and the locals don’t automatically start speaking English to me. Or when bums don’t ask me for money.
    I guess the other way to look at it is that people just don’t like to talk to me. Either way, I like it.

  60. Maybe you should hang a couple hundred-dollar bills out of the top of your shirt too. Y’know, to enhance those chest hairs.

  61. The cold shoulder from a hooker? Well, that sucks.

    Anyway, on to the reason I’m commenting two days in a row:

    “No we don’t make wack tracks / And all them suckaz get pushed back when I’m kickin’ real facts”

    Sorry, it’s just that “Mass Appeal” has some of my favorite rap lines ever.

  62. LMAO! Too funny. Really though, would you want a fifty somethin cracked out hooker hitting on you?

    Maybe it’s the total opposite of what you’re thinking… It’s not that you’re not good looking enough, but too good looking and you could get it free from anyone you’d like, you don’t have to pay for it. And they know that. So, they don’t waste their time…

  63. I think that hookers wouldn’t be so picky. You know, a dollar is a dollar. Right?

  64. Kez

    hahaha. Maybe it’s a compliment. Maybe you’re too good for a hooker…?
    Or maybe not good enough…
    either way you make me laugh.

  65. ron

    she was probably stunned by your extreme sex appeal

  66. Sorry I didn’t say anything to you. I had just taken a hit off of my crack pipe, and it takes a few minutes to get it into my system.

    You were hot. I’d like to give you a good time, and a few of the STD’s I have at no extra charge.


  67. OMG you are seriously hysterical.

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