through clenched fists

Well fuck.

Yes, fuck.

Yesterday I found out something that makes me want to watch Lifetime movies while completely sober.  It’s that bad.

Ashton Kutcher is on Twitter.

So is Demi Moore.

Oh and dear mother of god so is Fred Durst.

I know, I know, right now you’re saying, “Who the hell are these people?”  I only wish I didn’t know them.  I only wish that my mind could somehow erase the memories/nightmares of Punk’d, G.I. Jane and Limp Bizkit.  But it can’t.

You see I’m one of those people who loves his Twitter.  Yes that makes me a dork, but I’m also one of those people who likes sports and shooting fireworks at people when I’m drunk so I think that evens me out.

My problem with these people invading Twitter is that now some people that I follow are talking about them, which makes me highly upset.

It’s bad enough that Ashton made everyone think wearing a trucker hat was not only socially acceptable, but cool.

It’s bad enough that Demi Moore left Bruce Motherfucking Willis to marry Ashton.

It’s bad enough that Limp Bizkit – well, c’mon, do I really need to elaborate on them?

But now, when I go to my Twitter page, I have to see people talking about “what Ashton said” and “how positive a person Demi is!”  And yeah, there really was an exclamation point, dammit.

It’s just too much.

Sadly, unless all three of them decide that maybe they should stop inadvertently torturing a blogger they don’t know and probably (hopefully) never will, there’s nothing that I can do.

So tell me about how you’re bringing the ascot back Ashton, because that’s just what we need from you, more fashion advice.  And Demi, please post a picture of you two by the Golden Gate bridge, because yes it’s romantic and it only makes me hate you a little bit more.  Yes, even you Fred, quote some more Albert Einstein, because I’m sure you both have a lot in common.

I want it all.

I guess.


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68 responses to “through clenched fists

  1. Ugh, gross. It’s one thing to follow M.C. Hammer but Ashton/Demi? No thank you….

    Ain’t nothing wrong with Hammer.

  2. Celebrity twitter users just make it too easy for fans these days. What happened to the good ol’ “stalking in the bushes” days? Now all a stalker has to do is follow their Twitter and see just what these douchebags are eating for lunch or how their latest tiff with Perez is going, without needing the use of skills like fence-hopping and camouflaging in Beverly Hills.

    But I’m totally going to be one to follow Bruce Willis if he signs up on Twitter.

    Me too.

  3. There are two celebrities that I follow on Twitter. I refuse to name either, but they’re both pretty B-List (the fact that they agreed to follow me was a dead giveaway).

    I need as much distance between myself and Fred Durst as possible.

    I can find out who it is you know! I am clever!

  4. Block them.

    If only Gerard Butler was on twitter…

    But isn’t he a cartoon?

  5. i follow shaq. his updates are hilarious.

    I am going to miss The Big Aristotle when he retires, but at least I have his Twitter.

  6. I’m sorry but Ashton is hot.

    I don’t even care about the trucker hat.

    Do you follow that Fireland dude?

    He’s out of his bloomin’ tree.

    PS: Since when do I use a stupid word like bloomin’? Why not just say fucking?

    Fireland? I have no idea what you’re talking about.

  7. Ben

    My favourite is when celebrities fight over Twitter. It’s taking their thirst/hatred for everyone knowing their bidness to new heights.

    Who doesn’t love a train wreck?

  8. Ben

    And yes. ‘Bidness’ was intentional.

    Of course.

  9. I think Bruce Willis is hot.
    Baldness can be hot on the right guy.

    Did you ever read my post where I said I look exactly like him? Yes exactly. Huh? Huh???

  10. Oprah is on twitter too. I might or might not follow her.

    I bet she enlightens you with every tweet.

  11. I love limp bizkit.

    It’s my way or the highway!

    Man, Maxie, you like some crazy tunes.

  12. It makes me annoyed that the people who follow them aren’t happy enough with their trashy gossip magazines, TMZ, and Perez Hilton blog.

    Who, by the way, is also on Twitter.

    That is one ugly dude.

  13. I follow a lot of celebrities. It’s kind of a buzzkill because most of them shatter my image of their perfect life by being mind shatteringly boring.

    Exactly. I want to keep thinking that Steven Seagal kicks ass all day, not that he takes the trash out and likes lemonade.

  14. dude, i totally realized this yesterday too. and to be honest, it kind of infuriated me. glad i’m not the only one.

    I can pretty much get angry about anything.

  15. It’s all well and good until A-list celebrities jump on board.

    A List? I don’t think so. Or wait, were you being sarcastic? Fuck. I have no idea.

  16. Tim

    man, I’m really interested in what these d-bags have to say, but I never click on links in blog posts.

    Good idea.

  17. ashton has nothing on bruce. nothing.

    Damn right!

  18. essentially demi moore died in my eyes after i was unsatisfied with the amount of nudity she did in Striptease. I expected a lot. i’ve since lowered my expectations about a great many things….except beer.

    I know, especially when she was so in shape and all that… Terribly disappointing.

  19. I’ve been ignoring the whole Twitter phenomenon (kind of like I did blogging for all these years), and now you have provided the ammunition for my ignorance. Thank you.

    And did I just coin a bad-ass phrase or what? “Ammunition for my ignorance” will be the title of my first spoken word album. It’ll be on bumper stickers, too.

    Hahaha! Yes! Please go on tour too.

  20. are they real ones? the real ones? on twitter, i mean? why? they have time or something? here i thought celebs are busy?

    Yup, they’re real. And hey, I’m on there! I’m a celeb!

  21. I am totally out of the loop, because I do not know how Twitter works. And really, I am going to continue to be lame and not know, due to the fact presented to us today. If the Duke and Duchess of douchebaggery is on it, I want no part. However, I will join you for a beer and shooting bottle rockets at people!

    You bring the rockets I’ll provide the beer.

  22. I follow fake Michael Bay and he is AWESOME.

    That is all.

    He is pretty funny.

  23. Matt

    I wonder if Vida Guerra is on Twitter.

    I just googled it, and sadly she’s not. God I love that woman.

  24. Limp Bizkit? So early in the morning? THINK OF YOUR WEST COAST READERS!

    I’m sorry!

  25. Is Bruce Campbell on Twitter? Off to check.

    Crossing my fingers for you.

  26. I don’t have twitter so I can’t relate but knowing that Ashton, Demi and Fred are all a part of something makes me feel pretty self satisfied that I am not.

    You should join! C’mon, all the cool kids are doing it. Well, aside from Ashton and them.

  27. It would be different if it was someone awesome but no one cares about Ashton and Demi.

    And I definitely don’t want to interact with them unless they are giving me money for being awesome.

    Because they are not, they can get the hell of my twitter.

    How cool would it be if you could get paid for just being awesome?

  28. why on earth are you friends with people who would comment on what ashton/demi said? why are you friends with people who would follow them on twitter?!?

    Good questions.

  29. Zoe

    They are just opening up to the stalkers. Can’t wait for the news articles when one ends up kidnapped by a crazy fan.


  30. Fred Durst? The fact the we know who that is makes me sad.

    Did all for the nookie my ass!

    We are sad, sad men.

  31. I follow Tina Fey. Does that make me a twitter loser?

    No. She’s funny and kind of cute. Kind of! Because I swear, I’m this close to writing a post about how overrated Tina Fey is. She’s funny, but not that funny! And yeah, she’s good looking, but not that good looking!

    See? I can get mad about anything.

  32. On the other hand, shiz like this is pretty darn funny:

    Hahaha! That is pretty funny.

  33. Someone above me follows Tina Fey? I want to follow Tina Fey!! Also, that pic on the floor from my blog is me, not Lacey.

    It was? You are quite the partier.

  34. HATE FRED DURST! He invaded House for an episode or two as a bartender – can’t watch those episodes (and they were good too.) HATE HIM!

    Ashton. Blech. Bruce = hot.

    Demi? She’s the og of white trash. Seriously, watch her E True Hollywood Story. Straight up tin can ghetto.

    I don’t think I could stand the E True Hollywood story of Demi.

  35. Skeptical as to whether or not these celebs are actually their PR agents.

    The barfiest thing about this discovery? Demi’s account is “Mrs Kutcher.”

    Re: comment above – Sounds like you require a smidge more overexposure to start officially hatin’ on Tina Fey. (And yes she is that funny. So there.)

    I am really, really close to writing that post dammit.

  36. At this point I think Fred Durst is equal to or less famous than you. Which means somewhere he is saying to himself, “I really don’t care how drunk bksurviving is – I don’t want to hear anymore Seinfeld quotes.”

    Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like sperm— all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong direction. “I was first.” “Let me through.” “You’re on my tail.” “That’s my spot.” They’re like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool: “Well, who’s it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I’m not swimming anywhere.”

  37. Dude I was totally a Limp Bizquette for Halloween in 8th grade. You know, the girls with the saggy jeans and the same hat as Fred from the music video? Yeaaaa… I think I almost am probably getting kicked off your blogroll for that, but whatever… it’s too hilarious to keep a secret.

    I could totally see you doing that.

  38. I’m not even on Twitter … yet.

    I’ll join depending on the amount of cool points I can collect. So, how many?


  39. charmcitykim

    I definitely don’t get the whole Twitter thing. I feel so uncool!

    Actually, that makes you cooler.

  40. I’m pretty sure it’s not really them.

    It’s them. Check out the site. It’s pictures of them and everything.

  41. Maybe Bruce Willis can get on Twitter, too. Then he and Ashton can have little bitch fights on it. “You’re old and bald!” “You’re banging a geriatric!” “You smell!” Classic.

    Then Bruce Willis will take him out with an AK because he’s fucking Bruce Willis.

    Exactly. Bruce wins in the end.

  42. Gilbert Arenas already brought the ascot back. And if Agent Zero rocks it, its cool.

    I’m not that big of an Arenas fan. He’s a good character, but not a good teammate. I just don’t see him on a championship team.

  43. Maybe Bruce Willis is on Twitter and you can follow him???

    Nahhh, he’s probably too busy being awesome. 😛

    Yes, sadly, he is.

  44. You should follow Rumer and tell me if she talks about me all the time.

    Rumer is kind of ugly, I hope she doesn’t.

  45. When Eddie Money starts to twitter, I may finally follow a celebrity. Until then, no way.

    Man! I would die if he did.

  46. dave matthews and elijah wood are on twitter too. and you know what? i follow all of them!

    Oh Alexa, I.. I just don’t know what to say to that.

  47. Twitter is slowly starting to drive me crazy. Even though I tweet like 70 times in 30 seconds. Meh.

    That’s the problem that is Twitter.

  48. Apparently these celebrities need more charity work, they have way too much time on their hands.

    Or maybe it just means they need to make more mediocre movies.

  49. OMG Punky Brewster in on there!

    Yup and man she is hot.

  50. This is how I felt when I found out that Britney Spears was on twitter. The only thing that makes up for is the fact that people like John Hodgman and Tina Fey are on twitter.

    And Hammer!

  51. The world would be a better place if Fred Durst would just die.

    There, I said it.

    But tell me how you really feel.

  52. callmekp

    Rainn Wilson has it. He uses words like Glory-Hole. So I’m okay with that.

    He does? I’m going to follow him now.

  53. I’m totally lame and follow Ashton and Demi on twitter just cause I wanted to see what the hell everyone was talking about. I agree that their tweets are uber lame though.
    I don’t follow Fred Durst, I see that guy ENOUGH hanging out at dive bars ALONE in the Valley. He’s a tool.

    That sounds exactly what I would think he does.

  54. Almost as bad as Facebook friending a celeb.


  55. Anyone who would leave Bruce Willis for ANYBODY has GOT to have some serious crazy-ass-issues. But to leave for Kutcher? I mean…ick!!!

    Forgive me if I don’t give a rats ass about seeing anything either of them have to Twitter about.

    No need to ask for forgiveness.

  56. I once dated a girl who had started some huge anti-Fred Durst campaign, and while I agreed with her completely on that point, I couldn’t help but think that giving someone as average as Fred Durst even a minute of your time, let alone hours, was a terrible way to deal with overcelebrated mediocrity.

    Good point.

  57. Oh god, don’t celebrities get enough attention already? Can’t they leave Twitter for those of us who actually NEED it to get attention?!?!

    I know!

  58. I haven’t been swallowed by Twitter…

    You will!

  59. I like how Twitter is proving how dumb celebrities are. I’m fairly sure Demi Moore has never been introduced to any punctuation marks outside of the !!!!!! The woman has never met a comma, period, or correctly formed clause that she liked.

  60. Kez

    I am proud to say I don’t follow any celebrities.
    But I do love my twitter.
    Oh damn, look if a celebrity wanted to follow me then I would probably get all self important and cave.
    The ego is a fragile and fickle thing.

  61. okay just because you posted those i was compelled to look and now i can’t stop. but i will not follow them, i will not!

  62. ron

    all the kids are twittering now a days

  63. *sniffle* Poor Ashton…

    All kidding aside, at least they signed up and actually used it slightly. Much less douchey than signing up in September, posting something about “loving this Twitter thing,” and then collecting followers like flies on a dead carcass.

  64. I don’t need to follow Ashton. Not even Twitter can convince me he’s less of a d-bag than I already think he is.

  65. You know, you linking to those twitter pages just made me look at them, right? I’ve officially wasted a good 5 minutes of my day loading and then looking at them.

    I think I like twitter a little less now. Sigh.

    At least you can keep up to date on Ashton’s newest trends. I’m hoping moon boots are next.

  66. im following soleil moonfry.


  67. I’m also skeptical that it’s really them. I mean, I know it’s Demi Moore and all, but I’ll still give her more credit than “while the girlies R prepping 4 2morrow’s Oscar party” etc. You never know who’s really behind all these accounts, facebook included.

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