one and the same

Eventually, someday, I want to have kids.

No, I’m not afraid to say that because I’m thirty.  I’m supposed to be talking about this kind of stuff instead of  how Batman doesn’t really need those pointy ears on top of his mask, he probably just thinks it looks cool.

I guess I shouldn’t say “kids” though, I should say “boys.”  I want a couple little Chrises running around the world so that everyone forgets about me and when I die they say, “Well,  Chris, he was a complete asshole.  But his boys?  Fine men, just the best.  Why, the other day I saw one of them offer his last three M&M’s to a friend!”

Those are the kinds of boys I’m going to raise.  At least that’s what I think anyway.

The kids will be fine, but as far as me relating to other parents, that’s where things will probably go awry.  This is because I don’t think I’ll be very good at all the political things that come with having kids in school.

At the first Parent Teacher Meet-up, I’ll probably be more concerned with when the meeting ends as opposed to what the teacher is like and meeting other parents there.  Unless there’s free beer or something.  Then I’d be very Concerned With Things.

When little Wyatt (Don’t you steal that name! Don’t do it!) plays in his first football game, because he’s a star athlete of course, and some of the parents ask me if I can man the snack shop, I don’t think there’s anyway I could not laugh in their faces before telling them, “Maybe you should, since your kid kind of sucks.”

It’s moments like that when I think I’d have the most problems.

Of course this is why I have Ari, to be the brains, and eventually the voice of this imaginary family.  Because lord knows if I’m left to my own devices, we’ll have no adult friends.

But I bet all the kids will think I’m awesome.


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61 responses to “one and the same

  1. Kate

    Ari was just talking about this last night! The having kids part, not so much the football star/hit with the ladies/alienating other parents part.

    Oh no! Did she mention anything I should know about? Is little Wyatt already on his way??? I better get a baby Steelers jersey during lunch.

  2. Oh man, you’re going to be the parent that they actually start banning from school functions b/c you aren’t playing well with others, aren’t you?


  3. Ben

    Your post about kids is much more wholesome than my post about stealing kids today. Five points to you, good sir.

    Damn. You’ve won this time Ben.

  4. Matt

    I think alot more dads would show up to pt conferences if they offered up freed drugs and alcohol.

    I know, I’d be calling my friends, telling them to come over.

  5. When I have kids (or at least get contacted that I already have a few running around) can we hang out and talk about things that are not kids? All parents talk about is their kids. Kids aren’t that interesting. When was the last time a kid told you a joke that didn’t start with “Knock, Knock”? Or pay for dinner. Or buy the beer that night because they’ve been mooching for the last month.

    Grow up, kids.

    They’re worthless.

  6. I won’t steal “Wyatt” if you don’t steal “Obediah” and “T-Rex”. Tempting, I know.

    Oh man, T-Rex!!!!

  7. And you already know that it’s not a good idea to give espresso to a three year old so you’re way ahead of the other daddies.

    Also, you can come and hang out with me. The other parents don’t like me very much. Maybe it’s because I mumble “twat” under my breath when they pass by me, or maybe it’s because I bring box wine instead of juice boxes for snack time.

    I don’t get it.

    I imagine box wine and juice boxes taste about the same, so I don’t see the big deal.

  8. Wyatt hmmm… Wyatt Wyatt… yea, I like it! Thanks for the name!

    You can have my name, though… here it is… SEVEN.

    +5,768 for the Seinfeld reference.

    “I love it when people are complimented on something they’re wearing and they accept the compliment as if it was about them. “Nice tie.” “Well, thank you. Thank you very much.” The compliment is for the tie, it’s not for you, but we take it. That’s kind of the job of clothes; to get compliments for us, because it’s very hard to get compliments based on your human qualities. Right? Let’s face it, no matter how nice a person you are, nobody’s gonna come say “Hey, nice person.” It’s much easier to be a bastard and just try and match the colors up.”

  9. Daisee579

    I don’t have kids right now either, but I can already tell I’d like your kids and my kids to be friends. At least I would know I wouldn’t have to sit around and bullshit with you about the kids or pretend like we are Concerned about Things. My husband and your Ari can be the voices of reason while you and I kick it and drink a lot of beer.

    I’ll bring a 12 pack. Think that will be enough?

  10. I’m the mother of 2 and I have no interest in mommy-socializing type stuff. I’m ass backwards I guess and I know that’s bad, but what evs. No mini van for me. I’ve got a 2-door and I stuff my kids in the trunk.

    Hahaha – well, they make less noise back there right?

  11. I bet you’ll have girls

    BUT, in case no one told you – they can play football too.

    Or soccer or softball or golf or anything.

  12. i’ve decided to have kids too, if for no other reason than to know there’s someone else in this world more screwed up than me.

    Best reason to have kids, if you ask me.

  13. Sorry, but I’m totally using the name Wyatt. Had it picked out for years. I don’t know you and don’t live in the same city though, so it shouldn’t be a problem!

    My Wyatt will be cooler!

  14. Kyle

    If your kid’s name is Wyatt, then you must force him to grow a mustache as early as physically possible.

    He’ll come out of the womb with chest hair and a beard.

  15. Once you have a kid you, me, and Crissy are going to start a club. Let’s call it “Kick Ass Parents On Web” or KAPOW

    Think of how cool our shirts would be.

  16. Are you going to end up as the parent who is in the news for supplying his children and their friends with booze? Try not to be. That might take it a little overboard…

    Yeah, I won’t be that crazy. Well, I don’t think so at least.

  17. lissa

    That’s it! I’m going to start a school where every parent teacher conference has booze. You are welcome.


  18. You know, I’m not buying it. All my friends who promised they would still be assholes after they had kids have completely reneged.

    You’re probably right, but I promise to try my best.

  19. When we have kids, I will definitely be the voice of the family. I may have to tape my husband’s mouth shut for the entire 18 years. Otherwise, I am certain we will not only have no adult friends, but our children will not have friends because the parents of their would be friends won’t want to have to deal with us.

    And also, if our boys are on the same football team, I’m pretty certain mine will be better than yours.

    Oops…I may have to tape my mouth shut too.

    You have never seen my spiral – it is genetic. My brothers can throw a football through a bucket from 50 yards, and so can I and so can imaginary Wyatt.

  20. CapriceClassic

    When you’re a dad, you shouldn’t be concerned with parent/teacher/school things. Your only job is to keep food on the table, and watch football on Sundays and Monday nights!!


  21. you could still have adult friends…just keep going to bars….and take the kids with you. i know i always appreciated that as a child.

    Got you started on the right foot.

  22. Maybe you should just stick to being friends with people who don’t have kids. They will definitely be more amused by your antics than the other psycho parents.

    Also, you would LOVE LOVE LOVE Vegas. You should go. ASAP. You’ll never want to come home.

    I bet I’d never make it out of vegas alive.

  23. This guarantees you an army of girls.

    As long as they like sports, I’m fine with it.

  24. My dad used to get thrown out of my softball games for arguing with the umps. Don’t be that dad.

    Oh no, I won’t be like that.

  25. I posted about kids Tuesday. I’m starting to feel the pressure and I don’t turn 30 until May. Unfortunately all of my friends already have kids so I feel like we’re late bloomers. I just want to have fun though. And since when are kids fun?

    Never. They’ve never been fun.

  26. I’m with Deutlich. You’re going to have twin girls. Girly girls.


  27. Are you saying that once our generation become parents we can’t talk about batman and such??! That’s just wrong.

    The world is a cruel place.

  28. Meant to say “can’t”.

    Also, you are the coolest person ever and you should be paid lots and lots of money all the time for this blog.

    Oh – see I know, and I edited it with this nifty comment thing. In fact, I could make every single comment say whatever I wanted. The part in italics is what I thought you should have said.

  29. You’re totally going to have girls and you’re going to put them on the pill the second they turn five years old.

    That came out a little creepy.

    But you are totally right.

  30. I had the same thought as Kiala, except it was, “Oh Chris is going to have all girls and he’ll pick out their little pink dresses and put their hair in pigtails and admire his little ladies.”

    Still a bit creepy.

    And still very right.

  31. yeah i don’t know how you would be on play dates. maybe you should just let ari stick to those.

    Yes, that’s what I’m thinking.

  32. I have two kids, and I’m not a social parent either. It seems like such effort to try and keep all your P’s and Q’s in the right spots when talking to other parents.

    I have a football player. I sit quitely in the bleachers, thinking, “Ack, I shoulda stayed home! This is embarassing!!” Sad, I know, but so very true. I dont’ want to be the one pointed out other parents saying, “Hey, your such n such’s mom, and the group yells, GET HER!” Naw, I totally go incognito…. Just incase for future reference if yours isn’t so great….

    Oh man, that will be the worst. I hope he doesn’t suck.

  33. So you are not going to go with Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman?


  34. All men want sons, but I refuse to marry a man who won’t use girl sperm the first time around. After that, however many sons. But first: girl sperm.

    Seinfeld references make you loquacious. And speaking of sperm, as dorky as I feel for bestowing public adulation, the comment yesterday about men acting like sperm and women like eggs was fucking hilarious. I’m jealous I didn’t think of it; the fact that you didn’t write it as its own blog post is lamentable. [end slobbery fandom comment now!]

    No! That was Seinfeld – not me! There is no way I could ever think up something that amazing. I’m sorry for shattering your dreams, but I am simply not that funny.

  35. The name of my boy, who will be the starting shortstop for the Dodgers, will be Paco.

    Don’t steal that or I’m taking Wyatt.

    It’ll be tough passing up Paco, but I will try.

  36. bwp

    If I had kids I would be that way too, which is worse I think since I am a “woman”. I don’t know why I put that in quotations. Anyway…

    You’re sick, whatever you do cannot be held against you. So maybe you should rob a bank?

  37. You said you want a pair of boys but you just named Wyatt… you’re already sucking as a dad..where’s the other one?????

    Oh shit! I left him at the bodega!

  38. Don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. He needs the pointy ears on top of the mask because that’s what brings the “Bat” in “Batman.” Otherwise, it’s just Guy In Rubber Suit With Cape and Gadgets which is not nearly as catchy, or as time efficient.

    What, the big bat sprawling across his chest doesn’t do it for him?

  39. Are your sons single? My hypothetical daughters need dates to the prom.

    Ahem, what I mean is, they’re absolutely swamped with requests from the most popular boys around here, and would rather just go with your sons.

    They’ve seen pictures.

    They are some handsome dudes, huh?

  40. ken

    dude, you don’t have adult friends NOW, so what’s the difference?

    Hahahaha!! Best comment ever.

  41. The other parents are douchey anyway. They wear tapered leg Lee jeans and say things like, “So did you hear Kohl’s is having a big sale? They’re open until 11 pm.” Oh the madness!!!!!!

    Oh Kohl’s!

  42. Tim

    Wow, Kelly wrote almost exactly what I what I was going to write. Except I was going to add Parent Teacher conferences are for the wives.

    Well you’re right on both accounts.

  43. What would you call your daughter then? How if she wanted you to be in all of her ballet practices?


  44. Wyatt! I love it!

    I promise not to tell you when I steal that name.

    I will find you!

  45. You’ve definitely jinxed yourself. You’re going to have girls, and lots of them.

    If we can start a gang I’m cool with it.

  46. people always tell me my kids are going to be assholes. i can’t figure out why though.

    It must be your parents.

  47. Hhmm…well my husband is a teacher, so he’s got us covered on that one.

    And he’s a football coach, so I guess I don’t have to be concerned with the concession stand -he’s putting in more time that the rest of the fucknut parents.

    So yeah. I guess PH is my Ari.

    Thank God.

    You’re a lucky woman.

  48. I am right there with you. I shall name my Boy Turkish. Come on, all the cool kids have strange names.

    In fact my good friend named his son Brody, as in “what up Brody.” Yea, a surfer that spent way too much time in the sun.

    Haha – that is awesome though.

  49. I wish you were my dad!

    I wish I had a dad!

  50. Make sure you buy a non fitted hat. All dads have those.

    And a visor!

  51. charmcitykim

    I think a lot of parents think other kids suck so you wouldn’t be alone! Just don’t say it to their faces…

    Btw – Wyatt is a great name!

  52. if you want to be the cool dad you have to bring happy meals for all the kids on the team. i saw that in a commercial once and i’m pretty sure that’s how it always works, haha

  53. Aw, too bad for you!

    – Obviously hasn’t watched every Seinfeld episode.

  54. If a gun is ever put to my head and I’m forced to grow up, have kids and join a PTA, I hope you’re in those meetings. Because that would make things vastly more interesting.

  55. Mel

    I have only just started reading your blog, as it came up as a suggested blog in my google reader and your posts make me laugh!!

    I’d so be that parent too!!!

  56. Hmmm Wyatt I like that. Time to go procreate. Oh and I’m sure at one point I’ll say to my kids, “don’t be a d*ck.” Yeah I’m that kind of mom.

  57. hautepocket

    Ari is the name of my dog and Wyatt was a geeky, pimply faced fat kid in my graduating high school class. Just sayin…

  58. sid

    man i so understand where you’re coming from. i will be one of those mom who wouldn’t volunteer for bake sales or sewing my kids’ concert costumes.

  59. Aww, I think there is nothing cuter than men talking about when they will have kids. Adorable. Except typically they focus on the good stuff- I am sure you will be fine.

  60. i’d like to see what kind of dad you’d be like with lots of little girls…..

    i’d pity the poor boys that come over to date them.

  61. ron

    sorry dude, asshole is in the genes. It would be like superman trying to have a kid without powers.

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