let’s say

Let’s say you’re friends with Ben Affleck.  Not as close as Matt Damon, but close enough that when he decided to marry Jennifer Lopez, you told him that it was probably not a good idea, and he at least gave your concerns some thought.  While at a bar one night that Ben frequents, he tells you that he has to go to the bathroom for “a number two,” and after you tell him to never say that phrase to you again, he exits the table and heads for the toilet.  You relax and begin to watch Fringe on the TV above the bar, not because you think it’ll be entertaining, but because you can’t help but wonder if Joshua Jackson’s career really did peak at Dawson’s Creek like you’ve thought for many years now.  Just as you start to hate yourself for trying to watch the show, there is a loud crash near the front door of the bar, and in walks Mike Myers.  He is obviously drunk, and he stumbles over to you and starts blabbering to you like you’ve known each other for years.  Mike is going on and on about how people “Just don’t know how to rock anymore” and all you can think about is how much you hate this man and everything he’s done aside from Wayne’s World, which was pure genius.  Toward the end of his Rock Speech, Mike mentions out of nowhere that he can’t stand Ben Affleck.  The very same Ben that has been in the bathroom for quite sometime now, which worries you because he’s rich.  Rich people shouldn’t get diarrhea.  You nod and offer a “Oh Ben’s an alright guy” defense to Mike, who kind of brushes it off and then tells you that he likes you, and wants you to come party on his yacht later that night.  He tells you that he throws the best parties on his boat, and he likes you so much that if you come, he’ll cast you opposite him in his next movie, no questions asked, but you have to come right away.  Mike gives you his card and stumbles out of the bar, just as Ben finally emerges from dealing with his famous, yet leaky, butt.

Do you ditch Ben Affleck, a guy who yes, has made some questionable decisions in his life, but is still an alright guy, just to star in a movie with a man when you cannot, for any reason, condone any of his recent works?  Or do you stay with Ben, forever wondering what that glimpse of being a celebrity would have been like?


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64 responses to “let’s say

  1. if you look at the careers of Ben Affleck and Mike Myers you lose no matter what you chose. It’s like picking walking the plank or facing the firing squad….. and I think there’s a lot of genius left in Josh Jackson.

  2. Ben

    Ben is hotter. Mike is overbearing.

    The decision is clear to us shallow folks.

  3. Stick with Ben. Loyalty trumps celebrity.

  4. Ben

    Oh – and Joshua Jackson and I have the same birthday. So maybe Jay is right…stick it out with Fringe.

  5. Ditch both of them. Go back to my place. And chill.

  6. Matt

    Fuck Ben Asslick.

    Im going boating.

  7. Ha! You’re insane! I’d say join Meyers in the film ‘cos the $pay$ might be worth it. Ben is cool so he won’t mind, especially when you come back and joke with him about the behind the scenes gossip.
    And because you’re in it, the film cannot flop!

  8. CapriceClassic

    Have you been hitting the bong before blogging again? Puff, puff give! Anyway, I’d chose to stick with Ben cause Mike Meyers is an uptight anal-retentive fucktard. And, at least I’d know that Ben’s ass isn’t tight, as shown by his bathroom habits. ; )

    What I’m NOT sure of is if I’d rather be a loose-booty or anal-retentive, or why I even typed that. *sighs*

  9. Friends don’t let friends have leaky butts.

  10. Although Ben is hotter, the whole diarrhea thing totally grossed me out there so I’d say go w/ Mike, get in the movie, score some dough and then apologize to Ben. But don’t do any ass kissing, b/c obviously he’s got a dirty butt.

  11. ML

    well being friends with celebrities is a tricky issue. i would stay with Ben though, because while he’s a terrible actor and you’ll probably never get the chance to be in a movie with him, you’ll still have a chance to be just as famous as him just by hanging around him and not doing anything. kind of like he does with Matt Damon.

  12. Mike, only because he knows how to deal with little people.

  13. Mike. You’re bound to have more laughs and you’ll never have to forever wonder what if.

  14. Since an ex of mine chose Ben Affleck over me on Valentine’s Day several years ago, I’m choosing Mike Myers.

    My reasoning is stupid, I know.

  15. charmcitykim

    oooh – tough call. I’d probably stick with Ben because while having a shot at being a celebrity would be cool – I don’t think I could be tied to any movie that was even close to “The Love Guru” or whatever crap Mike does these days.

    Just make sure Ben picks up all of your tabs going forward.

  16. is this your way of talking about your dream without saying “i had this bizarre dream last night…”
    and of course the only options are a)stick with Ben so you can ultimately hook his friend Matt up with this blog-girl you know or b) break a bottle on the bar and stab yourself with it

  17. Tim

    I heard that movie is The Love Guru 2. So, yeah you’ll be in a movie, but the only people that will see it are Mike Meyer’s family.

  18. I think that’s the longest paragraph you’ve ever written in a post.

  19. Ben. If only because I want to have hot, steamy naked make outs with Casey Affleck.

  20. Go to the boat with Mike. Mike would say something ass-ish, as is his nature, making you look far superior. Then you would look better in the movie, stealing a Best Supporting Role Oscar, and then you can go back to Ben and share a laugh about how you both have Oscars and Mike Myers doesn’t.

  21. JustinS

    Mike. Ben’s better looking than I am, but I think I could hold my own standing next to Mike. It’s the Fat/Ugly Friend principle.

  22. I love Fringe and I wouldn’t mind being in the middle of a Ben Affleck/Matt Damon sandwhich. Love those Boston boys!

  23. It’s a yacht, dude. Don’t yachts trump everything? There are always hot bitches and magnums of Cristal on yachts.

    Put your feelings for Mike Myers aside and get on the friggin’ yacht.

  24. Ben, of course. When I think Mike Myers, I think Fat Bastard from Austin Powers.

  25. I’m answering your question with another question:

    Has Ben taken any Immodium A.D. or will he be ditching you and running to the bathroom all night?

    Cuz if he’s got some, uh, issues that right there could make the decision.

  26. I thought Joshua Jackson’s career peaked at Mighty Ducks 2


    that is all

  28. I’m so going to party with Mike Myers, I can’t help it, it’s his mojo 😛

  29. The right question is, “Do you and Ben get it on?”

  30. i would have to go with mike because celebrities don’t go number 2.

    also i think ben affleck is a dick.

  31. Hanging out with Ben or Mike is a tough choice. Honestly, either way you lose.

    However, being the new ‘best friend’ of either might end up with you getting impersonated on SNL. If you’re extra lucky, Tina Fey will impersonate you.

  32. I would stand up at that point and unzip my Beth suit and step out to reveal my true person: Jennifer Lopez in the flesh!! First, I would punch Ben in the face for dumping me and making me marry Skeletor. Then I would make-out with Mike Myers just for the press. Then I would get on a plane to Hollywood and go straight to the set of Fringe, where I would demand a guest spot as a sexy alien who carries venom in her ass. My name would be AssVenom. Of course, my inspiration for the character comes from Ben’s diarrhea. Things come full circle, usually.

    That is what I would do.

  33. So I Married An Axe Murderer is also genius. Just saying.

    Ben’s a douche. I’m going with Mike.

  34. Beth is my hero.

    I’d dupe Ben into coming on the yacht and keep my digital camera rolling.

  35. Mike’s last movies have been absolute shit. I’m sticking with Ben. He has a promising directing and producing career.

    Mike has “the Love Guru”. Yikes.

  36. I would question what gave Ben the leaky butt in the first place. You might have shared the same salad or tempura roll and no one wants to be out at sea with the runs.

  37. Going to have to say Ben. I just can’t look at Mike in the fat suit talking about corn in poo. That would so make me a sell out!

    I lied. I seek fame!!!! I’d sell Ben down the river in two and two.

  38. I started watching Fringe for that exact reason, but I stayed for Walter. God, I love that man and his crazy cravings! Silly Walter.

  39. Katherine

    So glad that someone else brought up “So I Married an Axe Murderer.” I thought I would have to be the one to remind you that Myer’s peaked just a little after Wayne’s World.

  40. You rock out with Mike, because you could get laid on the Yacht. Sometimes you have to shake it up a bit. If Ben is really your friend, he will understand. If not, he’s a douche…

  41. Ben is hotter. Stay with him. Plus, do you REALLY want to be in The Love Guru 2?

  42. why would you be hanging out with a dude like Ben Affleck anyway?

  43. that’s a tough decision …I’d tell Ben to go home because he’s sick and that I’d call him later to see if he was alright …then I’d go with Mike …because come on, he’s bound to say something “Excellent” which will in fact, make you laugh.

  44. get to the bathroom, saying a quick bye and telling him you might get a one shot opportunity and get the hell out of there..to the yacht.

  45. I’m fucking Ben Affleck.

    Not a lot of people know that.

    I’d probably have to leave with him considering our history and stuff.

  46. If Mike was going to force you to go before even being able to talk to Ben, I’d say you’d have to decline. But since you can at least holler to Ben on your way out the door, “I’m off to fame/riches, but I’ll give you a call in the morning,” I’d say go for it.

  47. Ben. I don’t want to risk having to be in a movie like Love Guru.

  48. i can’t believe you even mentioned Fringe or joshua jackson for that matter, haha. but to say his career peaked with DC, no, not at all, haha.

    and umm i’d stay with ben, because he could invite matt over later and it’d be one big celebrity partay.

  49. Mike Meyers wants to sleep with you.

    Does that make you comfortable?

    If it does, and you don’t mind playing opposite him in an Austin Powers flick, and by opposite, I mean his love interest, then go for it.

    Otherwise, stick with Ben.

    It’s not his fault his anus exploded.

  50. shoegirl

    Ben. Because Mike craps a lot grosser than Ben.

  51. that’s the longest paragraph you have ever written!

    i’d do with with mike, i wanna be in a movie. call me a sell out, i’m fine with it.

  52. Ha, what the hell goes on in your brain?

  53. Well, now I’m worried.

    No comment replies…very little twittering.


  54. The thing with Ben is only going to go horribly wrong some day when you punch him in the face because you just can’t stand that self satisfied smirk one more second, and you just know he’d press charges because that’s how Ben is.

  55. A) I’m sticking with Ben even if he IS in the bathroom all night.

    B) I love Wayne’s World, but hate ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING ELSE Mike Myers has EVER DONE!

    There. I feel better now.

  56. I’d stick with Ben. But that’s probably because I haven’t gotten laid in a few months.

  57. Shrek’s not so bad cause you can’t see Mike. It’s just his voice. I should know, my kids have watched them all 1000 f-ing times. I’d go for the $. Plus, I have not liked anything Ben has done since Good Will Hunting!

  58. I’d go with mike.

    Make me a star!

    And Ben sounds kind of lame anyway.

  59. Kate

    I’d say “dude, you don’t look so good. maybe it’s the flu.” Then shame him for inconsiderately trying to spread his nasty flu germs to the world, being a weak, one-dimensional actor (even though you love him as a person), and tell him to get his ass home to bed. Call Jennifer and tell her he’s on his way, and put him in a cab. Mutter more things about him killing a perfectly good night of hanging out and now you have to find something else to do, dammit. Then you can blame him when your movie’s a flop and you get herpes from some cheap ho on Mike’s boat.

    Yeah, that’ll work.

  60. ron

    I’d go with Mike, if only for the shot that it would be Wayne’s World III and I’d get to be Garth

  61. Best Post Ever.

    I go with Mike. I don’t want to be the guy riding the coat tails of the guy who is riding the coat tails of Matt Damon.

    So I Married An Axe Murderer is also a good Mike Myers movie. So he now has 3 total.

  62. Kyle

    Oh I go Affleck. But I’d tell him about the Myers incident, and since they’re both famous and probably know each other in some way, Affleck and I find the party, he kicks Myers’ ass and because he’s Ben Fucking Affleck, we leave with all the hottest hotties there. Game over.

  63. You’d have to choose Mike because that way, you could end up doing a genius movie like “The man of a thousand faces,” or whatever dreck Dana Carvey did a few years ago. Hasn’t hurt his career in the slightest.

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