buck the trend

I’m a guy who appreciates fashion, so yes, at one point in my life, I thought it was socially acceptable to wear pink shirts and no, I don’t feel like there will ever be a time when I can forgive myself for that.

Because I try to be stylish, I’ve participated in almost every fashion trend, from Jeans That Look Like They’re Old But Aren’t to the Great Graphic Tee Epidemic of 07. I hear the latter ended when a GUESS? manager demanded a blue t-shirt – without an ironic helicopter on it – and threatened to hold the store employees hostage until he got one. Yes, it was a brutal as it sounds.

The one trend that I simply cannot, and will not adopt though, is wearing skinny jeans.

I do not wear skinny jeans for two simple reasons: 1) I’m not a rock star in a band with songs about how sad trees are when you think about it and 2) I don’t hate myself. If either of these were true, I’d probably be wearing skinny jeans every day of my life, but thankfully they’re not.

The skinny jean look on men doesn’t work for several reasons.

For starters, they hug the equipment too tightly. Our equipment, as ugly as it can be, needs space to operate. It is not meant to be squeezed together like Rosie O’Donnell in a spandex jumper. Without space a man’s equipment begins to ache, and with the hurting comes the readjusting, and with the readjusting comes the public humiliation that makes men feel sad, which causes them to buy more skinny jeans. It’s a vicious cycle.

Also, skinny jeans display what men’s legs really are: scrawny twigs that somehow support our bodies. If you surveyed men across the nation, you’d find that about 87% of them have tiny legs. The only ones who don’t abuse steroids, and you know what they say about men on steroids- well, nothing really, because men on steroids have big muscles.

Finally, skinny jeans make other men hate you.  There is no explanation necessary here.  You will lose friends if you choose to wear jeans that look like they belong on the rack at Baby GAP.

There really are no benefits to the skinny jean look for men and it doesn’t matter how hard they try.

I won’t be taking part of this trend. Instead, I’ll ride the wave out, and wait for what I hear is the next big thing: leopard print thongs. On top of the pants.

I’ve just got one thing to say about that – rawrr!

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71 Comments

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71 responses to “buck the trend

  1. I dare say that skinny jeans should not be made for ladies above a certain size, only we don’t have an equipment issue, we have a muffin top issue and a camel toe issue.

    These things are not attractive. I think we should write a letter to the Gap and share our opinions on the matter.

    I’ll email you the first draft…

    Well yes, there probably should always be size restricted clothing. Like speedos and bikinis.

  2. Not to mention that when wearing skinny jeans there’s NO WAY you won’t remember girls of the Jonas Brothers.

    And no man wants to look like the JB.

    No man that I’d like to know, that’s for sure.

  3. I am going to have to e-mail this post to all of my graphic designer & 2D/3D artist friends. Skinny jeans on men are near epidemic in the creative industries, and it’s nothing short of disturbing.

    I’ll take the ironic T-Shirts, I’ll forgive your hipster beard and toque, I’ll even pretend I don’t notice your fixed gear bike. But if I have to work with another guy squeezing himself into black skinny jeans, I might just strangle him with them.

    I think you could strangle them for the bikes too – I hate those things.

  4. Matt

    The worst combo is when they wear the skinny jeans with the extra medium t- shirts.

    its just wrong.

    Smediums!

  5. I got one pair of skinny jeans. I wore them once, discovered that I can’t sit down while wearing them, and haven’t worn them since.

    Good move.

  6. CapriceClassic

    Thank goodness! As I started reading about the trends, I kept thinking, please don’t say you wear skinny jeans. You may not be able to forgive yourself for wearing pink shirts, but you’d have to one yourself if you ever started wearing skinny jeans.

    No way. I respect myself more than that.

  7. i am ready for skinny jeans to disappear.

    Like magic.

  8. Betty

    I too am so sick of seeing guys in skinny jeans! Or girls for that matter. What makes it even worse is when they come in an array of colors….what are people thinking?

    I am constantly mocking a co worker of mine for his pants…how does he even get his foot in them?

    He must never take them off.

  9. I actually don’t have chicken legs and I think that would make me look even MORE ridiculous in skinny jeans. I think I would end up looking like Beyonce and then guys would get confused if I was a chick or a dude and I could be like, “If you like it you should have put a ring on it!”

    This comment started out with such promise and just crashed so hard.

    It’s the thought that counts.

  10. I totally agree! it seems the wearer of skinny jeans find it socially acceptable to not shave and wear flannel shirts as well. I am no fashionista over here, but common sense says if you don’t let the boys breathe, you are doomed to a perpetual cycle of “hipster” gayness. And ladies, its not cool to be seen with these guys either.

    Next step is the makeup.

  11. idontliketoread

    hipsters are the worst.

    Let’s punch some after work.

  12. PQ

    The entire female population that actually has good taste in men thanks you.

    You’re welcome.

  13. Skinny jeans aren’t just horrendous on boys, but the ladies, too. They simply need to be “out” asap.

    I don’t agree with that – I actually like them on women.

  14. My boyfriend just fell in love with you for writing about this, I’m sure–he HATES dudes in skinny jeans w/a passion. And he hates that the skinny trend has made it nearly impossible to find jeans that aren’t cut for the emo, skinny jeaned dudes.

    It’s something most men have hated for awhile.

  15. Never move to Halifax. The skinny jean plague is number #46 why I’m leaving.

    Also, in Canada it’s pronounced “Skinneh Jean”, with the second part sounding like the French boy’s name.

    Oh – fancy!

  16. i don’t even have balls and just looking at skinny jeans make my bits hurt.

    also how in the double eff do people even get those on?

    Cut the balls off?

  17. I frankly hate skinny jeans on women too. It’s just a more extreme version of the tapered jeans trend and NO ONE wants that to come back. And ladies, wear your shoes where they belong – under your f’in pants, not on top of them.

    Nope – don’t agree – I like ’em on women.

  18. you forgot “because i’m not a fucking hipster”

    Good point.

  19. I kinda love a man in a grey suit with a pink shirt. It is sexy as hell.

    Well, that’s a suit. Otherwise, it’s pretty bad.

  20. Red

    EG has great legs. Strong but not ridiculous. (Some guys’ legs cross the line into “ridiculous”. Steroids may be involved.) Don’t hate him for it, though.
    Remember that he’s a Steelers fan.

    I tend to associate pink shirts with Republicans, though I know that’s not strictly true. Bow ties, now…

    I’m happy with my legs, they’re not chicken legs. I will display them with pride!

  21. In ten years we’ll look back on skinny jeans with the same revere saved for fanny packs.

    Fanny packs make me shiver with fear.

  22. I like skinny jeans. Not on men, no.

    And I like boots over jeans. And I like ankle boots.

    And they look really cute with flats.

    So shut up everyone.

    Who is this Kyla person up there? Can we be friends?

    I agree with you – I think women who wear them look hot. And I’m in the process of convincing Ari to wear ankle boots.

  23. @ kiala- i was just about to say that you have to have freaking skinny jeans to wear them with boots and who doesn’t like girls in jeans and sexy boots?? i mean, get over your fear of hipsters, people. skinny jeans are not that big of a deal.

    and to chris-wtf? i leave the interweb for a few days and i come back and you’ve won all these awards and shit and your side bar looks like a trophy mantle? skinny jeans changed you.

    Like I said to Kiala – I am completely pro woman skinny jeans.

  24. I’m with you. If my hubster even dared try on a pair, and even if it was solely to make me laugh, I’d kick start his face!

    I think that would hurt.

  25. skinny jeans are no good for anyone… thank you for taking a stand!

    I like them on women!

  26. When the birth rate plummets in 5 years we will all know who to blame…the makers of skinny jeans. If briefs are bad for your swimmers imagine what happens to them in those pants.

    It can’t be pretty.

  27. I always wonder where the balls are supposed to rest when a dude wears skinny jeans.

    I think they suck them into their stomachs. Oh man, I just grossed myself out.

  28. I agree!!!

    Balls aren’t pretty. Keep those furry plums well concealed!

    And even if they aren’t furry.

  29. No one but stick people should wear skinny jeans. In fact, I don’t get why they were even brought into the fashion sphere. Probably to make everyone feel uncomfortable and horrible about themselves.

    I think you might not be a fan of skinny jeans, but that’s just a guess.

  30. The backlash against skinny jeans is finally taking off! Thank the baby jeebus!

    Just for men though!

  31. oh my gosh, I don’t like skinny jeans on men. I think that’s a horrible idea, honestly.

    It is.

  32. Skinny jeans should be worn by no one, man or woman. They make your body look retarded and your feet gigantic.

    I think women look good in them. Dammit, I should have said that in the post.

  33. Ugh, I hate skinny jeans! Certaintly they can’t be healthy for a guy’s package.

    The boys are dying in there.

  34. There are three reasons I don’t wear skinny jeans… my left testicle and my right testicle and my imaginary third leg.

    Haha! Said better than me.

  35. You have my respect for opting out.

    I made an attempt last year at getting some skinnier jeans. They weren’t skinny jeans, but they were a little slimmer than I’m accustomed. They shrank the tiniest bit in the dryer, though, and now I can only wear them if I don’t have to sit down, which is to say never.

    But my legs are freakin’ awesome, so when the time comes I’m rockin’ that thong sans pants.

    Do it bro – you’ve earned it.

  36. I barely like skinny jeans on women, so I’m not really a fan of them on men. They seem so tight and uncomfortable looking. And it’s weird. I don’t understand.

    I think women look pretty hot in them, but whatever floats your boat and other sayings.

  37. I’m so with you on this. Skinny jeans on a man do not a pretty site make.

    Exactly.

  38. Kate

    Thank you!!! Skinny jeans are the absolute fucking worst. If there is one thing in the world that grosses me out hands down every time, it’s men’s thighs. And nothing straps in men’s thighs like skinny jeans.

    Barf. Men’s thighs. I do not need to see those pasty white slabs highlighted in denim. No thanks. You keep that to yourself.

    Haha – men’s thighs can be pretty brutal. Mine are sexy as sexy gets of course. Don’t ask Ari for verification on that.

  39. guys do have skinny ass legs. and i didn’t realize just how skinny until the skinny jean phenomenon occurred.

    i’m not kidding when i say it has made me look differently at all men. it ruined me.

    I totally understand.

  40. Skinny jeans FTL. They’re rotten.

    I think leather pants would look good on you though. Maybe a full body suit of leather. Black leather.

    Rarr.

    Don’t tempt me!

  41. Let’s see how many more comments you have to add “I like ’em on women!” you should start adding “Damnit!!”. I kept laughing at how many times you replied with that.
    I love them on women, I’ve transitioned down to “straight” – which is almost almost there. Muy hot. And get Ari to wear ankle boots!! They’re fantastic!

    I know, this is one of the problems with commenting back to people – sometimes you have to say the same thing over and over.

  42. I think you should bring back the codpiece.

    Good idea.

  43. What about man bangs?? The skinny jean is nothing without a good helping of man bangs on the side.

    And trees ARE sad, BTW.

    Ugh – man bangs. Just the thought makes me mad. The saddest tree ever is The Giving Tree. But wait – he was really happy in the end!

  44. CapriceClassic

    And where to you get off not commenting on Fridays? Or making us wait til today for your blog? Just who do you think you are, Mister?

    Hey, even I need a break sometimes. And I tried to post yesterday, but the thing I was going to post didn’t work for some reason. This is why I need a web designer.

  45. Back in the 80s my dad wore bellbottoms, he insisted that they were perfectly good pants. I was always mortified when we left the house.

    Full circle – I am now my dad. I will NEVER wear skinny ankled pants, you can’t make me!

    Yes I can!

  46. praise the sad trees that there are people that agree with me… i would love to participate in the demise of men’s skinny jeans (or men who wear women’s skinny jeans for that matter).

    sidenote: i don’t like women’s skinny jeans on me either… maybe because it has been said that i have an ass with 2 zip codes and i can’t get a job at hooters because it isn’t called “asses.” lol!

    I would absolutely love going to a restaurant called “asses.” I’d eat there everyday.

  47. I’m against anything that causes male camel toe, or mammel toe. And skinny jeans are the number culprit. Not to mention when you wear skinny jeans you’re almost required to get a stupid emo haircut and wear a kaffiyeh scarf. The combination just makes me want to punch in the mammel toe.

    Haha – mammel toe is fucking gross sounding.

  48. Im fully agree with you. I dont want my men in those. HAHA. They gotta look manly and I dont want them to look smaller than me, hipwise. HAHA

    Exactly.

  49. Jess

    I think skinny jeans look okay on men actually! But id never ever EVER (have i highlighted that point enough?) let my boyfriend wear them. And I dunno why.

    Hmm.

    Because you really don’t like them, you just like the idea of liking them. I am a psychologist.

  50. you already have a leopard print thong, don’t you? go ahead…be a trendsetter.

    and I look HOT in my skinny jeans.

    I do and I will! Thank you for empowering me.

  51. Actually the Jonas Brothers rock the skinny jeans and they have calves for days! It’s so bad I can’t help but stare.

    Gross.

  52. If this post was a dude, he may actually get passed first base. THAT is how awesome it was. I appreciate you for not wearing skinny jeans. Your future kids thank you too.

    Yes! So my post about Robocop – that went all the way didn’t it?

  53. Well the only guys who CAN pull off the skinny jeans are the ones with really skinny legs. I’d prefer not to see a man with thunder thighs in skinny jeans.

    That’s a really good point.

  54. Men in skinny jeans is one of the most disturbing phenomenoms there is. Anytime I see a guy wearing them, I have to stop myself laughing out loud.

    It’s not always possible…

  55. Thats why you should go the opposite way and where a huge denim cloth.

    Lets make this happen.

  56. Skinny jeans are not bad on girls if they are the size of Nicole Ritchie but that is still pushing it. They are never ok on guys though. Never!

  57. Wait one second. Men in pink shirts = hot.

  58. bwp

    One time I had “relations” with a guy who wore skinny jeans. I have been in therapy ever since.

  59. I also hate skinny jeans on most women too. I can’t wait for this trend to die off.

  60. as jay-z would say, “can’t wear skinny jeans cause my nuts (or ‘nads, I really don’t know what he says) don’t fit”

  61. i adore skinny jeans only because i am a boot freak and love wearing them over jeans. skinny jeans help with this.

    skinny jeans on men are a no-go. die, jonas brothers, die.

  62. tia

    skinny jeans are not my friend.

  63. Say what? you are not a rockstar? Booo…That pretty much explains why whores didn’t look at you and that also means I’ll have to stop reading this blog then 😦

  64. and lets not forget men that wear skinny jeans look like toothpicks on skis!

  65. Leopard print thongs on top of the pants is what you get when Superman and Tarzan get together on a Saturday night.

    I hear.

  66. Kez

    Good for you! I can’t stand men in skinny jeans.

  67. What if I say that I think you’re a rockstar? Will you at least try a pair of skinny jeans on and take a picture for us?

  68. Just to be safe, I’ll go back to Jncos from the mid 90s, which were essentially tent pants. Thanks for the fashion forward tip!

  69. Every time I swear off a trend, one week later, I’m probably going to give it a shot. You might be wearing skinny jeans next month, that’s how fashion is.

    Well, you might.

  70. KT

    Yes I beg of you NOT to ever wear skinny jeans. They don’t look good on men or women no matter how skinny you are. I just don’t understand it!

  71. LOL I give you props man, funny article. I found your blog through the printed blog.

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