I’ve recently started drinking coffee for the first time in my life.  Yes, that’s right, I’m 30 years old and I just started drinking coffee.

At first I didn’t think I’d like it, but now every time I’m even remotely tired, I find myself thinking about it.  Which is great news to my fiancee Ari, because she is my pusher.  It’s true – the love of my life is also trying to inject me with coffee at every waking moment, like a drug dealer to a junkie.

Before I started drinking coffee, Ari would always be there to offer me “just a little taste.”

I’d stroll into the living room after waking up, and there she’d be, grinning slightly, leaning up against the couch:  “You look like you’re dragging buddy.  How about a little pick me up?”

Of course I’d refuse, because I didn’t want any part of this coffee world.  I wasn’t like the rest of them.  I was strong.

But like any good pusher, Ari was persistent.

There she was, sipping a warm cup of joe, saying, “Mmm…boy, this makes you feel all right all of the time.”

And when she finally got me to cave one day, when I was so tired I could barely watch Sportscenter (!!!), you should have seen her strut over to that coffee machine.  I told her, like any feen, that I’d just try one cup and one cup only.  But she knew.  She glanced over her shoulder as she poured the coffee, nodded and said, “Sure.  Whatever you say.”

All it took was that first cup.

Since then Ari has been ready to get me my fix at any moment.  It’s clearly her proudest moment since we started dating.  She finally got me hooked on the dope she’s been pumping since I first asked her out.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get a cup.  What can I say?  I need it man.


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70 responses to “hooked

  1. You have failed us (the Legion of Non-Coffee-Drinkers). We’ll be taking that badge back now please.

    I continue to stay strong.

    You have disappointed me more than words can adequately express.

    Just try it. One time. Just once.

  2. Liz

    Mm coffee is delicious. I’m an addict. If you ever need someone to talk to about your addiction, let me know.

    My friends have been trying to get me to cut back for years.

    I could talk about it for hours. Assuming I’ve just had a cup of course.

  3. Ben

    I used to get all up on my high horse and say I didn’t drink coffee – only lattés. Who knew that lattés were plain old coffee but with milk?

    Everyone but me as it turns out.

    Me too.

  4. It’s better late than never I say. Oh and it’s about frickin’ time!!

    I like Ari. She’s a good influence.

    She is a good one. If she can put up with me, then she must be amazing.

  5. Wait until she starts making you pay for it… She’ll give you a cup, but not until you take out the garbage, or agree to go look at place settings.

    It’s an ugly reality.


  6. Coffee = Columbian crack. Wait… Isn’t crack Columbian too?

    Crack is Brooklynite.

  7. But you can walk away anytime, right?


  8. If I did not drink coffee every morning then I would need to do cocaine. I need that jolt in the morning or else I can’t function.

    I hear you.

  9. Wait until you try ICED coffee this summer.

    You’ll really be walking on the dark side then.

    I’m so proud of Ari. She’s going to make a magnificent wife.

    I can’t wait.

  10. Sometimes you get that perfect cup where the milk/cream and sugar is just right! Niiice!

    I drink tea more than anything but coffee is pretty good. What sucks balls is, it doesn’t do anything but relax me. My body is so used to caffeine that I could drink a huge cup at bedtime and sleep perfectly fine. I’m such an alien.

    I pretty much drink coffee for the flavor ‘cos it can’t get me up. 😦

    I don’t want to hear about the plateau effect already! I want the buzz!!

  11. working at Starbucks is what hooked me. and it’s been down hill ever since.

  12. Matt

    Crissy’s right. Just wait until you get the iced coffee.

    the fun of coffee wears off though. I just drink straight black coffee (boring) and it doesn’t even give me a buzz anymore.

    but I wont quit.

    I refuse to believe it won’t give me a buzz! Refuse!!!

  13. Ari obviously rules. Welcome to the warm/delicious world of coffee. It’s nice here. (Caffeinated me = Not a Monster) People talking shit about caffeine throw me into paroxysms of verbal violence. Self-righteous! (Ok, I just wanted to use the word “paroxysms.” I admit it.)

    I had to look that word up.

  14. Welcome to the dark side!

    I’d make a horrible Jedi.

  15. I knew it when you said on twitter you tried it but didn’t like it. Told you so.

    Haha – you were totally right.

  16. mmmm…I will thank Ari now, for turning you. I absolutely have to have my coffee to get me going in the morning. I was a late bloomer too, I started at age 23. I tried and tried to refuse. But I was weak, and thank God for it!


  17. I’ve been drinking coffee since I was in Grade Five. I also only drink it black because, well, that’s just how my family rolls.

    We’re so hardcore.


  18. Should I be getting you a Starbuck’s gift card soon?

    Oh man, I think so.

  19. charmcitykim

    I’d say that you’ve really become addicted when you forgo all additions to the coffee (creamer, sugar…).

    I was like you once – not so into it. Now I drink coffee black. Holy hell…

    I can see that happening soon.

  20. Dude, I am a 2-3 cup a day kind of guy. Straight black 1 splenda. Thats how I roll.

    I need to drink it black, that seems to be the most manly way to do it.

  21. You thought your mornings were bad before coffee? Wait till you run out and have to go a morning without it now that you are used to it.

    People die that way, man.

    I don’t even want to think about that.

  22. I started drinking coffee about two months ago.

    Now I need it. It makes me poop.

    (Hi internet! I poop!)

    Hahaha – You do not.

  23. I too am addicted to coffee. SOMETIMES I have it more than once a day. I’m crrraaazzzy like that.


  24. I can tell you this, if you try regular Starbucks coffee (the stuff they gave away for free on election day) you will be very very disappointed. I do recommend their tea lattes though. Those are the only reason I get out of bed.

    Oh and my daughter and husband too…I totally love them..

    Right, they’re okay.

  25. Wait til they ask you, “what kind of coffee” at Starbucks. It’ll make your head explode. I prefer to just snort lines of Instant Coffee. What? Like you won’t be there soon.

    I don’t deny that.

  26. Welcome to the world of coffee drinkers. I actually feel touched now of that accomplishment, your fiancee is a super woman.:P

    She is.

  27. Well, coffee gives you cellulite. Or maybe is that just for women? Who knows? Better to prevent!

    If I get cellulite I will flip the fuck out.

  28. CapriceClassic

    OMG! If you think you’re hooked now, don’t EVER have the Toffee Nut Latte from Starbucks! It’s like liquid crack. I swear, I’d be in that drive thru a minimum of 5 times per day – the baristas even knew me by name! *hangs head in shame* Don’t do it man – don’t do it.

    I’m trying to keep it under control. For now.

  29. Pam

    This gives me hope. I have been trying to get my husband to be a coffee drinker for years. He refuses everytime. Which means, I need to step it up. Become a real ‘pusher’.

    Oh, Starbucks is my drug of choice – nothing will ever compare! Beware of Carmel Machiatos (I think that is how you spell it), they are seriously the best thing on this planet!

    That drink sounds complicated.

  30. Mmmm… I need a cup right now…

    It all seems easy and carefree, but woe on you should you ever decide to try to kick your habit… that much caffeine is a cruel mistress.

    Most mistresses are.

  31. I am with Pam; I have been trying to get my husband to drink coffee for years so he won’t look at me with pity when I plead for him to stop so I can get my fix.

    Keep trying, he’ll cave eventually.

  32. ML

    haha. everything in moderation.

    Right, just like wine for me.

  33. Coffee is a gateway drug. Next stop, Coca-Cola with your breakfast cereal.

    That sounds pretty good.

  34. You’re weak, if I actually knew you I might be really ashamed of you. Then I’d orchestrate an intervention, which wouldn’t work because I’d probably be the only person who doesn’t drink coffee. I’m pretty proud of that fact. I don’t get all self righteous about it or anything, I just hate the flavor to be honest. And I don’t really enjoy hot liquids, I’m not really a fan of soups or tea either. I do feel left out though sometimes, people look so cool with their Starbucks cups.

    The other reason is that I’m sort of a freak of nature when it comes to mornings. I rarely even have to use an alarm clock to get up for work. To say I’m a morning person is a huge understatement.

    Dude I was the same way – aside from the morning person thing. I’m tired all the fucking time because I sleep like a piece of crap. A restless piece of crap. But I was with you on the hot liquids thing. You have to start in the winter – it’s the best way.

  35. Jo

    Coffee makes me want to vom.

    Once someone bought me a cappacino and I had to drink it because it was polite. That was the worst hour ever.

    It’s an acquired taste – like beer.

  36. cool, i had a girl do that for me with ritalin pills and speed.

    Sounds like someone I know.

  37. i remember when you tweeted about trying coffee for the first time i was amazing. i’m glad to know that you are officially hooked. but when you start drinking coffee after dinner instead of another glass of wine, i’m sorry we won’t be able to be friends anymore.

    wait, so how do you drink it? black? cream? sugar?

    I take it with a little skim milk and a little sugar.

  38. Hi, my name is Giggle Pixie. And I’m a coffeeholic.

    (Welcome to our group!!!)

    Do we get t-shirts?

  39. I’m a tea person. This makes me sanctimonious.

    You really like that word.

  40. I just can’t get over the taste. Sure, a little pick-me-up wouldn’t be too shabby, but I suppose I’ll stick to my Coca-Cola. Coffee smells fabulous, but yucko.

    Try it!!

  41. All the people I know who don’t drink coffee are men. I wonder about this a lot.

    That is weird. I think you should research that.

  42. i still have the ability to resist but lately coffee’s tiny little demon hands have been scooping out my brain and filling it with its coffee nonsense.

    It feels great, right?

  43. I think coffee tastes disgusting. I will stick to fizzy drink to keep me awake, thanks! 🙂

    See, I think pop is gross.

  44. That’s a good woman there 🙂

    Yes, well, aside from when she wants to watch The Hills instead of basketball.

  45. Man… I’ll be 30 next year, and I’ve never drank coffee up to this point. Please tell me this won’t happen to me.

    It probably will man.

  46. Yeah, that about sums it up.

  47. Wow Chris! You’re a normal kid now! How does it feel?

    It feels POWERFUL!

  48. Coffee good.

    Chris SMASH!

  49. Kate

    This is the only fault of yours Ari has ever mentioned: your refusal to drink coffee. I guess you’re the perfect man now. Teach Dave.

    I know, she’s always saying that. I think she’s just trying to be nice. And Dave is a much better man than me. He has a beard.

  50. Matt


    How come you didnt reply to my comment?


    Sorry man – corrected. Sometimes that happens when I do this fancy reply thing – it skips comments.

  51. When you get to the innermost circle of coffee hell, you will find me there waiting for you with David Lynch and Juan Valdez.

    Lynch scares me.

  52. wait, wait…..you’re 30??

    seriously….coffee is better than speed.

    Yup. Turned 30 in November. I know, I know, my baby face doesn’t give it away.

  53. I’m actually surprised you are still alive at 30 without ever having coffee… I mean, how did you even make it through college without passing out in front of a moving train and getting smashed to smithereens?

    I don’t know how to spell smithereens.

    I smoked a ton of pot. That way, if I did get hit, I wouldn’t really care.

  54. Better late than never!

    Yes indeed.

  55. meagank

    Oh man. I have to have a cup just go muster the energy to put my clothes on. It’s like Heaven Juice. Nectar of the Gods.

    Fuck. You got me thinking about it. Right now. Must have some. Need it.

    Do it.

  56. My husband was just like you. Now he owns an espresso machine and buys some kind of Chilean coffee beans that are grown on some god like mountain.

    I’m searching for the Kaldi.

    If you find it, let me know.

  57. Toe

    I too shuned the almighty coffee for a long time. What got me hooked again? The addition of powdered coconut milk to my coffee. This elixr is now an everyday staple.

    That sounds complicated.

  58. the only way i can drink coffee is in frapuccino form or mixed with hot chocolate, that’s it.

    I think those drinks are too froofy for me.

  59. My husband drinks tea, and I contend that coffee is a manlier drink. He disagrees – and gives the example of the British conquering the world drinking tea. This is all well and good, but when you think of manly men, are tea-swilling British men in pink shirts and skinny jeans what come to mind?

    Not really, he’s got a lot of convincing to do.

  60. k8

    I didn’t start drinking coffee until I got sober. Apparently everyone in AA has to be addicted to coffee now. Hrmph. I’d much rather the vodka, but *shrug*

    Swiping one addiction for another is how people do it.

  61. I too was a late addictee to coffee. I’ve probably only been drinking it a little over a year. My favorite is to try different flavors of Coffee Mate creamer in it. It is a little slice of heaven on my weekend mornings. (I’m always running too late during the week and have to get my coffee at work)

    I am right behind you. Well, not really. I’m really in New York, but you know what I’m saying.

  62. Coffee is my security blanket. I would throw a full on temper tantrum if for some reason I had to go to work in the morning without it.

    Sounds like a good plan.

  63. It’s a gateway drug.

    Coke is next.

    Watch out.

  64. She only got you hooked so that you’ll get up and make the coffee for her in the mornings.
    That’s how Pushers work.

    Now your the one up at 6am making coffee Christmas morning when she hollers from bed…Honey do you think you could start the turkey?!!!

    Then you’ll be her Lil Coffee Bitch………

  65. you’re a real new yorker now! godspeed.

  66. I got hooked on it “late in life” too, haha, I was 22 or 23. I’m 24 now, so it hasn’t been that long but I could not live without it.

  67. Yeah, I don’t get this. I know so many people who are addicted to coffee, and while I’ll have a cup at brunch maybe twice a month and enjoy it, it’s nothing that I JUST HAVE TO HAVE. Now, Diet Coke on the other hand….

  68. i’m really still in shock about the fact that you hadn’t had coffee until just recently. bizarre.

  69. tia

    i KNEW it.

    you were all “i don’t drink coffee” and i was like “wtf?” and you were all “yeah” and i was like “ever?” and you were like “no” and i was like “weird” and you were like “i guess” and i was like “no really”

    and then you CAVED. and so now i’m like “haha!”

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