terrifying

There’s a lot to be scared of in the world today.  We’ve got terrorism, there’s salmonella-infected peanut products and House continues to be viewed by thousands of otherwise normal functioning people across the United States.

I’ll tell you what really scares me though. Teenagers.

Right around the corner from my office is a high school, and every day, I have to walk by and hope that none of them go berserk and kill me for no reason at all.  Because that is something teenagers do.

They do things for no reason, and that makes them the scariest thing ever.

Have you seen a teenager lately?  Tell me they don’t scare you.

If their hair isn’t bad enough, at any moment two teenagers could spontaneously start making out with each other, with no regard to the fact that 1) they are both ugly and 2) other people don’t want to see their zits rubbing against each other.

Then there are the teenagers who like to start fights.

Years ago, when I was working as a Social Worker (I know, weird, right?) part of my job was to visit the families on my case load once a month at their homes.  Because I worked with low income people, this meant I spent a lot of time in the projects.

The projects can be a scary place for a White Guy In Slacks, but the only trouble I ever experienced was from teenagers.  I saw bullet holes in the apartments I was going to visit and had one lady tell me that I “shouldn’t be here,” but the worst was from the teens.

One day on my way out of a building, I passed by a group.  One of them, I suspect the Brains Of The Operation, called out, “What the fuck you doing here white boy???”

Of course I kept walking and ignored them because there were ten of them and I was wearing slacks and I was white (but not a boy) and a response that  “Oh, I was just helping a family here and getting seriously underpaid while doing it” wouldn’t have been the answer he was looking for.

Naturally they laughed at me because who works for less than they should, and maybe also because my slacks were pretty ugly.

But the point is that those teens, and teens everywhere around us, will do anything at any moment for no reason at all – which makes them scary as hell.

Come to think of it, my boss is like that too.  I think I should get a new job.

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64 Comments

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64 responses to “terrifying

  1. The teens in my neighborhood are total delinquents. Would you believe they walk down the street in their pajamas and drop candy wrappers right there on the ground with absolutely no regard for littering or who might have to clean up after them???

    I weep for our future Chris.

    So do I.

  2. PLUS!!!

    I think one of them may be pregnant.

    Just one?

  3. I just like that you referred to yourself as a White Guy in Slacks.

    B/c let’s face it, I had my scary teen encounter this summer, and I’d rather not relive it.

    Understood.

  4. Hell yes they are scary! They’re evil little things and I’m amazed people keep making zombie flicks instead of “Attack of the Killer Teens,” or some shit like that where they force you to wear skinny jeans while beating the crap out of you.

    That sounds like a theatrical nightmare.

  5. Teens are scary. But you know what is really scary? Tweens. Those 12 year old bitches with their designer purses and bedazzled cell phones make me want to run and hide.

    Miley Cyrus is their queen.

  6. rachel

    You are bringing (or brought?) sexy back…in slacks.

    I am trying my best.

  7. yeah, i currently work with teens. it’s a fun feeling to be told by some kid to “suck his dick” when you’re running programs for them and trying to help, knowing that if i punch him in the face i’ll loose A)my job B)my income C)my apartment D) my savings E)my wife F) Cable.

    F being by far the worst.

  8. Matt

    Dude I cant believe you were a social worker.

    I know, it is odd.

  9. I feel you. I have two teenagers for brothers. They are the scariest emeffers out there.

    I feel for you.

  10. “go berserk and kill me for no reason at all”

    Sadly I think this all the time. I’m just sure they will try to stab me with a pen. Or one of their piercings. Stupid teens.

    Maybe a tongue piercing too, very gross.

  11. teens really ARE scary

    I’ve been to the worst projects in the Bronx and DC… as a visitor…

    and in hindsight?

    I DO NOT know why I ventured there.

    That is a good question – why they hell did you go there?

  12. Teenagers are going to be the end of us all. Not terrorists, not a third world war, but Teenagers.

    I wouldn’t be surprised at all.

  13. You know whats even worse than teenagers.

    Kittens. Those bitches are real scary.

    LOLCats are even worse.

  14. JustinS

    My stepson is 14. The teens have infiltrated my house. May God have mercy on my soul.

    Oh man, you’re a dead man.

  15. I was going to say something about slacks but now I’m worried for JustinS.

    Keep him in your thoughts.

  16. Youths are terrifying. I work in the projects (the don’t build steel mills in upscale neighborhoods) and whenever I have to stop for gas on the way home I’m terrified of the local youths. Try being a skinny white girl in a prius in the projects. Scary.

    I bet they throw rocks at your car.

  17. I had a short life as a substance abuse councilor…trust me; those teens are doing shit we did not even think of. It is not pretty. Or smart.

    I believe it.

  18. The whole zitty make-out scenario made me throw up in my mouth. What’s even scarier is when you see one of those teenagers with their kid.

    It’s never a pretty image.

  19. Now I’m rethinking being a Social Worker, and drug counseling for teens. Essss. Now what am I going to do?!

    Be a blogger!

  20. Just because the show has become nearly unwatchable doesn’t mean you stop having a crush on Hugh Laurie.

    Hugh is yet another example of how if you’re famous, people think you’re a lot more attractive than you are.

  21. Maybe your boss just doesn’t like your slacks, too.

    I knew it!

  22. Teens are terrifying, this is true. However I was more afraid of them when I was little. I remember being eight and living in fear that a fifteen-year-old would just up and whup my ass for no reason whatsoever.

    Now I’m older and they actually have a reason, yet they elect to call me “shawty” and “ma”. Go figure.

    I wouldn’t spend my time trying to figure them out – it’s a no win situation.

  23. I’ve been ridiculed for using the word “slacks.” Were they pleated?! Pleated slacks are almost as frightening as teenagers.

    Oh no, I don’t wear pleated pants – never. I’m not some kind of idiot.

  24. Do you say “short slacks” or just shorts.

    Oh my god…you’re a white guy…do you wear Jorts????

    Shorts, what the hell are “short slacks?” No! I don’t think I’ve ever even owned a pair of jorts.

  25. I had a very lengthy conversation about Jorts the other day for no reason at all.

    I may or may not have been drunk.

    Either way, I bet it was well worth it.

  26. All I can think to say here is that teenagers smell funny, don’t they?

    (Please don’t ask why I go around smelling teenagers. That’s not illegal, is it? Please don’t tell anyone.)
    (I’m shutting up now.)

    Don’t worry, I won’t turn you in.

  27. Teens…I love them. For a strange reason, they love me too…maybe I need to grow up.

    Probably not.

  28. Teenagers scare the shit out of me. I will be so afraid of my own child once it hits 13. I will probably piss myself everytime I see it.

    That could make for one awkward life for the kid.

  29. I’m not going to lie, I’ve crossed the street if I see Teenagers on the other side…

    They make me cry.

    I don’t blame you.

  30. HAHA I get annoyed by them. But let’s face it, we were all once one right?? do you think we scared people back then?

    Yes. Absolutely.

  31. Wear trousers next time. Much more macho.

    Thanks for the tip!

  32. Kate

    You know what this means, don’t you?

    You’re OLD.

    I’m fine with that.

  33. What’s wrong with House?!? I have a major crush on Hugh Laurie! He’s all kinds of goodness.

    I’m glad I was never a teenager… 😛

    House is terrible. A doctor… who plays by his own rules! Give me a fucking break.

  34. Because of you and your post, I have My Chemical Romance in my head now.

    “Teenagers scare the living shit out of me.”

    I’m glad I have no idea what you’re talking about.

  35. I agree. The kids around my town scare me shitless! They’ll walk right out into the middle of the street in front of cars and then just stop and stare at oncoming vehicles, daring them to hit them. WTF???

    They’re not known for their smarts.

  36. I work at a museum and the worst thing ever is when a group of teenagers on a school trip sit near me in the cafeteria. Teen make-out sessions are the last thing I want to witness on my lunch break.

    Gross.

  37. They are scary!!!!! And they dress poorly. Like they all want to be Miley Cyrus or something.

    *House is a good show. He’s smart and in my head, he’s my boyfriend! I like them broken, but smart!

    Sounds like all my ex girlfriends.

  38. One of my biggest regrets is that as a teenager I didn’t do enough random, scary shit just to freak adults out. Was it Thoreau who said “What possessed me that I was so well behaved?” Or was it Mike Seaver? I get the two confused.

    They’re pretty much the same dude.

  39. There was a group of teenage girls outside my office the other day and every single one of them was wearing uggs. If that’s not scary then I don’t know what is.

    I actually don’t mind Uggs. The horror!

  40. I’m scared after reading this. Thank you. I felt like I was in the projects with you wearing ugly slacks and about to be jumped/mugged/raped/murdered.

    But I can protect you! I am deceptively strong. I promise. Kind of.

  41. When I was walking home from work last night, I passed a restaurant when a big group of loud, graphic hoodie wearing girls poured out of the place. (Where were their jackets!?) For a second, I was all, “Whoa, who are these drunk bitches?” until I remembered that they were probably born in 1995. Absolutely terrifying.

    Haha – I love the part about the jackets.

  42. i kinda just puked thinking about zits rubbing together and popping each other.

    thanks for ruining my lunch buddy.

    I’m here to help.

  43. I remember everything was so damn dramatic when I was a teenager. It makes no sense to me now.

    and I used to wear huge “raver” pants. that’s fucking scary!

    That is scary!

  44. bwp

    Teenagers make me nervous, too. Mostly because they are the reason the Jonas Brothers are actually selling CDs and getting paid more than me for being assholes. I mean, I am an asshole every day of my life and no one pays me.

    No respect for elders.

    If I got paid for being an asshole, I’d be a millionaire.

  45. I live in the projects…

    of WV.

    I’m a thug.

    I’ve seen the WV projects – they’re scary in their own right.

  46. You may not agree with me on this, but I find teenage girls to be most terrifying. I mean, what are they WEARING these days? My father would have smacked me into next week if I wore some of the slutty shit these girls wear all over the place.

    In other news, I feel old.

    Did you say something about sluts? That’s all I heard.

  47. We have a soon to be 13 yr old boy, and today our oldest daughter turned 17.

    I don’t think I have to say anymore.

    Lord help you.

  48. Jess

    First of all House is a genius!

    Second of all no need to stereotype all teenagers across the world, i mean im quite nice, i dont murder older people, drink in the street, have babies or shout profanities at innocent by-standers, not yet anyway :p

    Also i love reading the comments almost more than the post, your readers are so witty!

    Hey! My readers are not smarter than me! Well, okay maybe a little, but don’t tell them that.

  49. Okay, it’s not just me. Teenagers scare the CRAP out of me. If I see a group of the little tweenster hipsters, I will literally cross the street to not go near them. Evil and cooties and awkwardness personified.

    You are not alone.

  50. I had an incident a few years ago with some crazy teens getting off of the metro. And by incident I mean 4 of them jumped me and tried to steal my stuff. It’s actually an amazing story that is to long for the comment section of a blog but I’ll sum it up thusly, I kicked one of them square in the nuts (even though I know that guy rule #1 is you don’t kick another dude in the nuts, but I feel like the rules go out the window when its 4 on 1) and dropped him and the rest ran away before I suffered more than a few punches in the face. The moral of the story: I’m kind of badass.

    If by badass you mean I can beat up some 15 year olds.

  51. Have you seen a teenager lately?

    You know you’re 30 when …

  52. I’d seriously like to think I’m not one of these teenagers…

  53. HAHAHAH. I think teenagers are so weird/scary, too, and to think, we all used to be one of THEM! Ugh…makes me shudder:)

  54. I live by a high school and I just treat them like I treat bears:

    1. Remember that they’re more afraid of us than we are of them.
    2. Make an maintain eye contact. No sudden movements.
    3. Back slowly away without breaking eye contact until the teenager rolls its eyes, or lights a cigarette: both are indicative of the confrontation having ended.

    And I bang pots and pans on my porch before I leave the house to scare them off. Obvs.

  55. I work for a teen shelter…’nough said.

  56. therapyisexpensive

    Wait let me get this straight…you were a social worker…past tense…meaning you found a way out…meaning there is still hope for me?!?! You just made my day!

  57. teenagers make me fear for the future of our world. even little middle schoolers are getting caught with liters of vodka and copious amounts of weed at school.

  58. my fear is that the teenagers will laugh at me. point and laugh at me like in the pearl jam “jeremy” video. in this scenario, i am jeremy.

  59. seriously? a social worker? really?

  60. tia

    wow. i can’t get over the fact that you were a social worker.

    that’s a humbling/terrifying job, i’m sure.

  61. Jo

    Working in a school has reaffirmed to me that all teenagers are dickheads. Even the nice ones.

  62. I actually hate teenagers so much that I have developed this idea:

    I think that all teenagers should be sent away to a giant bubble in the middle of the country to live out their teen years together. Then, in order to rejoin society, they must pass several tests proving that they are no longer emotionally volatile and that they are aware that there are other people in the world BESIDES THEMSELVES.

    Oh, and they all must also lose their virginity in the bubble, but that’s really just because virgins make me nervous.

  63. Kez

    I think it’s just the fear of those underdeveloped brains and inability to see the consequences of potential actions.
    They’re like time bombs just waiting to go off.
    When I have kids I will probably find a way to get them to go from age 11 to 20 without anything in between.
    Solid plan. Can’t fail.

  64. It’s funny, I don’t feel all that scary…

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