saturdays are supposed to be fun

Tomorrow, since I’m getting married or something like that, Ari and I have to go register.

For those of you lucky enough to not know what this entails, allow me to explain: You and your spouse-to-be/person who lasted the longest without wanting to strangle you, go to stores and pick out items that people coming to your wedding can buy for you as a wedding gift.

Now, in theory this sounds fun – hey, let’s get a bunch of free stuff!  But trust me, this is not going to be fun for me.  We’re not going to places like Best Buy and the Apple Store, or even shopping online at NFL.com and NBA.com.

No.  We’re going to places like Crate and Barrel (or as I like to call it, much to Ari’s annoyance, Crap and Bullshit) Macy’s and Bed Bath and Beyond (hell on earth).

If I was in charge of registering, I’d be picking out sweet Steelers jerseys, an X-Box and maybe some cool Knicks mugs.  But because for some strange reason everything isn’t about me, we’ll be getting stuff like this:

No

No

Fun

Fun

For

For

Chris

Chris

This is what registering is all about.  Spending hours and hours picking out stuff – that goes together! – that you don’t really care about.

Keep me in your thoughts tomorrow, is what I’m trying to say.

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76 Comments

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76 responses to “saturdays are supposed to be fun

  1. Funny, I just had a conversation last night (while watching “Colors”, no less) about what in the hell the “beyond” is in Bed Bath & Beyond. We settled on knicknacks, as opposed to time machines and x-ray goggles.

    Have fun.

    Right.

  2. Bed Bath & Beyond carries some football mugs. I know. I have one. 🙂 and microwaves. Everyone needs a badass microwave.

    It does? Thanks for the tip!

  3. Maybe you can convince Ari to let you register for some manly things somewhere. My friends were registered at Target and in addition to napkin rings and glassware they also registered for a ton of Wii-related things. I went in with 3 other people and bought everything Wii-related on the registry since we knew the guy wasn’t going to get any joy out of any of the other stuff.

    I will try my best.

  4. You aren’t registering at TARGET???? That’s a sin!

    My gig was to register for very little, so that people were forced to give us money! It worked…

    The Target in Brooklyn is terrible – it never has anything and I’m pretty sure people shoot heroin in the aisles.

  5. Grand idea Arielle!

    No Fun For Chris! Bwahahaha!! That is all…

    I didn’t register and got all cash! Booyah!

    See, that’s what we should be doing.

  6. You could always pass your time pretending to be a psycho killer who’s checking out the different knives and scaring nearby people 🙂

    That’s an idea…

  7. Registering totally sucks. Can I suggest having a couple of shots of rum in your coffee in the morning before heading out? Ask Ari if you can hold the scanner. The scanning of barcodes is way fun as is the obsessive checking of online registry lists to see who has bought what.

    Also, a word of advice. When you (Ari) want something and worry that it’s too expensive, just go for it anyway.

    People buy an incredible amount of stuff for weddings and showers.

    Remember. Do it drunk and you’ll be fine.

    That’s my motto for just about everything.

  8. Yeah I don’t feel sorry for you. I actually feel bad for Ari because you are going to be a sourpuss the entire time she’s trying to pick out things you will need.

    And yes Chris, you will need them (i.e. after showering, you need a towel to dry yourself off with – or maybe you just air dry?)

    I’m swinging in the breeze baby! Sorry for that mental image.

  9. You should bring a flask with you to numb the pain. If I ever get married I am asking for cold hard cash or gift cards to all my favorite clothing stores. That is no fun to open up a present and see a toaster.

    It is going to be extremely anticlimactic.

  10. Not gonna lie…that knife set looks like it could be a lot of fun for Chris…

    Yeah, if stabbing people wouldn’t land me in jail.

  11. my cousin’s registry listed the twelve-dollar michael graves toilet plunger from target.

    my parents bought one and packed it alongside the discovery channel’s “history of sex” book in a box large enough to hold a suitcase with glittery paper and a ginormous bow.

    anonymous gifts are the best.

    Haha – that is pretty awesome.

  12. I was sooo excited to register, but ex-hubs wasn’t at all! I knew he wouldn’t be. So, I let him do all the scanning, and then when he would make crazy random suggestions – I would let him scan it – then go online and take it off.

    I won.

    Women are sneaky.

  13. You do get to play with that awesome gun though…and if you are anything like my ex-hubby you will play a rousing game of laser tag around the store.

    I could see that happening.

  14. jay grochalski

    going to the Bed, Bath, and Beyond on 6th Ave? Yeah, ally and i did that back in 2004. i think the police had to come and break up a fight over a bedspread. registering blows. i suggest bringing a)a flask and B) a bottle of sedatives….and then going out for scotch afterwards. good luck.

    Yup that’d be the one. I am scared for my life.

  15. I think that if you don’t join her, she will make a wise use of those knives and cut your… *Insert what your imagination tells you here*

    Hey! She needs that just as much as I do.

  16. I don’t know, those knives look sorta medieval/badass…

    Well yeah, but unfortunately I’m not a knight and there are no dragons that need slain.

  17. I think you can get Kegerators at Bed Bath and Beyond….

    That would save my life.

  18. when my husband and i registered we actually registered at Lowe’s and Home Depot too! Both stores have wedding registries and most people don’t know that. I’m not going to say “have fun” cuz you won’t… but maybe if you get to register for tools it would be fun…somewhat…

    Somewhat fun is the best I can hope for.

  19. Oh my fucking god, dude.

    First: you’re getting married?! What the hell! I feel so abandoned.

    Second: You actually know what you’ll have to go through tomorrow and you’re STILL getting married?!

    Jesus. I’ll be praying to whatever deity I can invent for your safe return.

    Thanks man, I appreciate that.

  20. The fact that you aren’t registering at Target is too difficult for me to comprehend. I…I can’t..I’ll have to come back to this.

    Actually, I’ll just email Ari.

    I think that’s a good idea.

  21. kat

    You know what’s awesome? Online registries. You get to pick out all the glassware and knives you want… and you don’t even have to have any pants on.

    That’s what I said! Why can’t we just do it all online????

  22. Kate

    EEEEEEE! So exciting. Before you go, have brunch – everything is more fun post-mimosas.

    And ps. don’t register at Target.

    Of course alcohol will have to be involved somehow.

  23. Def. have some drinks before you go.

    I am Irish.

  24. I’m about 100% sure that you’ll survive.

    But what if I don’t???

  25. Red

    My cousin said her husband had fun registering ’cause he got to zap the stuff they wanted with the scanner gun.

    I just don’t see that as making up for everything else.

  26. Registering is the only reason to get married. That and someone who is contractually obligated to bone you.

    I suppose I’ll just concentrate on the booty aspect.

  27. Sneak something f*cking crazy onto the registry when she’s not looking.

    And then when she opens it, you can be all “now where on earth did that fathead come from??”

    That is a very good plan. I already do that when we go grocery shopping.

  28. I agree- get a little liquored up before you go. If you call it “brunch” no one will judge. Plus it will be fun for you both to see what retarded things you registered for whilst schnockered.

    We registered for a karaoke machine at Target when we got married, and someone actually bought it for us. It. is. awesome.

    Man! I hope we can get that!

  29. We didn’t do a registry — kind of for that exact reason;) You could always find a blue vest, and act like the store clerk in “Click” who tells Adam Sandler that he always sleeps in the display beds — just make sure to make that priceless face the guy makes in the movie when you tell all the customers.

    I kind of hate Sandler, but I’ll do what I can.

  30. When I get married I’m planning on registering at Starbucks and the Liquor Barn.

    If all else use words like ‘compromise’ to ensure you get a beer fridge and universal remote and manly stuff.

    Yes, that is a word I will use extensively.

  31. Ben

    Better than spending your own money on stuff that you don’t care about…

    Why do you have to go and make sense?

  32. i’m still trying to figure out the getting married part. marriage seems way more difficult than barcoding something someone will later buy and send to you. you are doing better than Clover, Chris.

    Not by much.

  33. nic

    Yeah, a friend of mine registered for the wierdest stuff once….a chain saw and clothing steamer for example. But there are others who registered for a Wii and I thought that was pretty brazen. And AWESOME.
    Personally, I always thought it would be funny to get wedding gifts from skymall….like a hot dog cart. Who doesn’t need one of those? Also, it could serve as a second form of income if need be in these hard economic times.

    Best of luck tomorrow!

    And you could sell weight from it like The Wackness.

  34. Everytime I hear someone is spending a Saturday at BB&B I think of that scene in Old School when Will Ferrell says “We have a nice little Saturday planned…” It is a great scene.

    Yes. Now I want to watch that movie again.

  35. Here’s my advice — eat before you go. Sweet jesus, eat before you go. Eat protein. Not Starbucks. PROTEIN.

    Writing that down now.

  36. i think those knives are sweet! may the force be with you tomorrow. that force being HOVA, it’ll be better if you keep it hip hop for the day.

    I wish Jigga was my friend.

  37. This is exactly why I’m not going to register when I get married. No presents for me please. If Chuckles and I were to do this we’d have to call off the wedding, it would be a complete disaster.

    I think it’s going to be a disaster. Check the Times on Sunday for an article on a mad man loose in Crate and Barrel.

  38. do not go on the registry adventure hungry….you will more than likely go to jail for assaulting someone.

    I think that might happen either way.

  39. Well you won’t be needing those knives to cut off your balls. They’ll just fall of by themselves by the end of the day.

    Thanks for that image.

  40. Pam

    I left my hubby at home for most of the registering. But I did go to Best Buy, because we are movie freaks and loaded up on it. Unfortunately no on got us anything from Best Buy 😦

    Good luck. You never know, she may let you go to one of your stores.

    That’s what I told her – go with your friends!

  41. Katherine

    I agree, registering is painful. But it’s better than letting people use their imagination about what to buy you. One friend, who refused to look at our registry bought us a set of hot pink pans. Terrible.

    My friends registered at R.E.I. So there are manly options out there.

    In case this experience leaves you feeling unsure about that.

    I wonder what would possess someone to think pink pans are a good idea.

  42. Jo

    I keep wondering what the acceptable age is to be able to get away with buying my friends towels as gifts.

    I hope you get one in every colour, one for each day of the week. His and hers toweling robes!

    Ugh.

  43. Dear Chris,
    I’ll go for you. Crate & Barrel makes me a happy kid.

    Please do.

  44. Ha! I cringed the last time I saw a guy being lead around Target by his fiance who was saying “do you think we want this kind or THIS kind of blender/towel/KitchenAid?” I think it’s cute when a few of my friends have added stuff from REI on their registries so they can go camping together. Not necessary for a life together, but really do any of us need brand new pots, pans and bedding to survive a new marriage? Not necessarily…

    Exactly.

  45. You’ll be singing a different tune once you discover the majesty of throw pillows!

    (Seriously, take one of those pillows and hold it over your face until you pass out. It’s the only noble escape left, good sir.)

    I plan on doing that right away.

  46. Dude, when she’s not looking register yourselves for every sporting t shirt/sweatshirt at Macy’s.

    Hilarity will be ensuing all over the place on wedding day.

    Look – the tuxes are Steelers colors!

  47. Register at Target.com!!!! People can ship directly to you! 🙂 Enough RED brainwashing…

    Just ask for cash! A guy can appreciate cash, right?

    Dear Auntie so-and-so,

    Thanks for the cash. We got wasted and saw some stippers. Best gift ever!

    XOXO

    Yes!

  48. I never understood why marriage is always for the women…maybe it’s because most of us men fear the very thought of commitment.

    And, I do believe a congratulation is in order!

    Thanks man.

  49. Admit it. You NEED one of these! The IcyCold Shot Chiller from BB&B. I wonder if it comes with the bottle of Jager that’s pictured…

    http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?order_num=-1&SKU=15877510&RN=460

    That is something I could use. But no jager – last time I drank jager I ended up on the floor of my friends bathroom apartment yelling at anyone who tried to come in.

  50. As painful as it is, it’ll save you a boatload of ugly. Literally ugly. Your friends have no taste.

    That’s a good way of looking at it actually.

  51. I love LBluca77’s idea. What ISN’T better with a flask involved?

    Think about that…

    Nothing really.

  52. Hahahahahaha… don’t worry you’ll have all the fun.

    Right, I’m sure I will.

  53. What? You’re not registering at Guns R Us?

    lol

    I bet that place has lots of mullets.

  54. Registering for stuff like that sounds like HEAVEN to me!! Are you going to let Ari pick everything, or are you going to be all “I want BIGGER pots and pans” even though you’ll never use them?

    She can do it all.

  55. i bought gifts from a registry that included Star Wars legos. No joke.

    So I don’t think the Steelers jersey is really out of the question.

    Really? Wow – that is awesome. Thanks for giving me hope.

  56. oh, registering is sooo fun!

    You want to take my place?

  57. I’ve already been on the Crate and Barrel website today for research.

    You have not.

  58. arielle

    Damn it. That was me. Not you.

    It was???

  59. From someone who has been there, don that, REGISTERING SUCKS. It’s stressful for both people involved. Now that I’m safely married and leaving our registry behind, I can offer two bits of advice:

    1) Ask Ari to be in charge of the gun. Every store has them. And you can have a little fun registering for crap she doesn’t want and neither of you need.

    2) Register somewhere you want. No one said Ari has to know that you’re also registering at Sears for all the hard hat stuff a guy could want.

    I’m just saying …

  60. Jess

    Just pick out cool stuff when Ari’s not looking. Like a lazy-boy,Playstation-3, House (MD) boxset (I know how much you love(hate) the show thought id throw that in there:p) ecetera, im sure she wont notice

  61. I let my husband off the hook for the registering. I went with my sister in law. He doesn’t cook or care about that stuff, but he definitely likes it when I cook so I got cooking stuff, told him it was for him, and we called it good.

    Good luck to you though. You may need it.

  62. Aw…poor you..
    Stop complaining and do what Ari wants, dammit 😛
    I don’t understand why you hate this so much (is it because you’re a guy?) Picking new stuff is always fun, specially deciding what matches what…

  63. Maybe Ari will let you have a Steelers-inspired bathroom?

  64. OK several things:
    1) When I first read this, I randomly thought you meant you were getting married TOMORROW in the first sentence. Then I got so freaked out because I was like “… how did I not know it was TOMORROW?!” Phew.
    2) You should steal the registering gun and go tag little two dollar random things. Then when people go to view your list they see stuff like “Snickers Bar” and “Toothbrush” listed. I am definitely doing this for my wedding.

  65. Yeah, agreed, I thought you were getting married today and I was like, oh no! I didn’t say good luck! Because, you know, your wedding would be total crap if you didn’t have my comment here.

  66. Oh my gosh – I know that girls are supposed to be excited by this stuff but I cannot relate. When we registered it was really painful – it’s one of those things that’s good to get finished rather than fun to work through.

    We were thoroughly caffeinated & went out for dinner afterward to cheer ourselves up.

  67. I felt like an ass making a list of stuff for people to buy for us, but apparently you have to or your guests will give you weird expensive random shit. My husband had no interest in anything but a waffle maker, so I just picked a bunch of stuff. Which meant most of our gifts were a complete surprise to him.

  68. hahahah…crap and bullshit is hilarious. My fella has taken to calling Bed Bath and Beyond, Blood Bath and Beyond. And it kind of cracks me up. Hope you survived the “day of the registry.”

  69. Wow that sounds like a nice little Saturday. Maybe going to Bed Bath & Beyond, maybe Home Depot?

    Seriously though, I love registering. I’ll go for you. I’m coming to NYC in a few weeks.

  70. hautepocket

    I told my boyfriend that when we get married he is allowed to add a new Playstation to his half of the list as long as he tolerates my hours of matching towels, kitchen sets and bedding.

    Perhaps an incentive like this could benefit you. Otherwise…if you sneak a Steeler’s jersey in, maybe she won’t notice, you know, until you open it that day. Ok…maybe that’s not so much a good idea.

  71. Kim

    The Mister wandered around the stores we were at finding weird things and then begging me to scan them into the registry. Like Batman toys at Target.

  72. I can’t wait till I get engaged so I can register for crap… although I will not encourage my fiance to come with me. That way he can’t object to anything I pick

  73. KT

    Yeah, we did the whole “registering” thing a few weeks ago. It was NOT fun. Hope you survived!

  74. I feel you on the annoying gift shopping, but if it was a toss up between shopping for a baby shower and a wedding, a baby shower takes the cake…

  75. I let my husband register for an Xbox accessory pack (steering wheels or something) and a snickers. His best friend bought both. I figured it should be fun for him too.

  76. I registered with the big BB&B online- much more fun to do in my jammies with home-coffee!
    Last weekend the big F and I actually bought some of our registry stuff ourselves b/c we’ll be in the new house before the wedding and, umm, might need some towels and a vacuum.
    My mom got all excited- You can’t do that! You have to have things for people to give you for your shower!
    Then I tried asking her and my bridesmaids if I could please for-go the stupid bridal shower…
    and all Hell broke loose.
    Umm, then can I maybe have a shower but just not have to be there?

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