close but not really

Last night I watched the Oscars, and in case you missed it, Hugh Jackman hosted the show.

And instead of actually being witty and funny like past hosts such as Jon Stewart, he sang.  And sang and sang.  It was horrible.  It’s not like I don’t enjoy dancing and show tunes and – wait – no, I do hate dancing and show tunes.  A lot.  I fucking hate it.

If I wanted to watch a big spectacle of dancing and singing I’d just hang outside when the methadone clinic in downtown Brooklyn dispenses the lunch time doses.  At least those people have something to truly be happy about.

Of course lots of people enjoyed seeing Jackman up there parading around like a complete moron.  I mean he did win 2008’s Sexiest Man Alive (I took myself out of the running – the politics got to be too much), so the women loved it.

As the show went on, though, and he kept coming back on stage, I actually started to feel bad for the guy.

I realized that he was in an impossible position, one that was a no win for him no matter how well he did as the show’s host.

Even if Hugh Jackman somehow wins 47 Oscars between now and when he finishes his career, he’ll never be happy.

Because of this man:

Best Vest Ever.

Best Vest Ever.

Yes, that’s Paul Hogan/Crocodile Dundee/The Best Australian Ever.  Just look at this picture.  When was the last time you held a crocodile by the teeth and smiled while wearing a crocodile skin vest with nothing underneath?

Exactly.

Hugh Jackman doesn’t stand a chance.  He will never be better than Paul Hogan, and that, in many ways, makes me feel bad for him.  But not too bad.

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51 Comments

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51 responses to “close but not really

  1. Didn’t see it. Can’t WAIT to check it out though. I’m not a big Hugh Jackman fan so I plan to gather bags of peanut M&Ms around me and laugh my ass off.

    Mmm. My mouth is watering.

    Send me some M&M’s please.

  2. Yeah, I want to eat food off of Hugh Jackmans ab’s but even I got tired of the singing and dancing. I missed the witty commentary. Jon Stewart needs to return. Hugh can just stand there topless while Jon speaks. Then everybody wins.

    Can Alicia Keys be bottomless? Then everybody really wins.

  3. Ben

    Not even gratuitous Beyoncé appearances saved Jackman last night. That’s saying something.

    I know!

  4. LOL!! i gotta check it out n judge for myself…

    Don’t – it’s not worth your trouble.

  5. I will never look at Wolverine the same way again.

    I know, I’m so embarrassed.

  6. LOL you know who likes him singing and dancing?

    My grandma.

    Of course i couldnt respond anything when she said that.

    Hahaha – at least someone enjoyed it.

  7. Great – now he’ll probably write a song about that.

    Fuck!

  8. don’t hate me, but i thought he did a great job! but then again, i like singing and dancing.

    I hate you!

  9. HHAH! I totally didn’t see that Paul Hogan reference coming. I love Mick Dundee. And I do mean love.

    Me too. And I do mean me too.

  10. I have a confession to make.

    I just don’t see the big deal about Hugh Jackman.

    I don’t think he’s hot at all.

    Maybe I’m not a real woman.

    No, you’re real. I’ve seen you and touched you.

  11. Aw, and I’m the consummate theatre geek who loved seeing him being a triple threat. Seeing wolverine hold himself like a dancer? It was kind of cool!

    But again. Theatre geek.

    It’s understandable. Not everyone can hate on everything like I do.

  12. What if he learns to wrestle crocodiles too?

    Of course I will give him a second chance then.

  13. Um, … at least he was able to pull off each attempted dance move flawlessly. 😉

    That is all…

    Bah!

  14. I only saw him sing and dance once (um, yes I was flipping back and forth between the oscars and other channels). I actually liked it. It’s only because I like to sing and dance myself. Mainly in the shower.

    Yeah, I’m that person.

    Dancing in the shower is probably dangerous.

  15. JustinS

    I’m sorry, my friend, but I can’t support your anti-Wolverine campaign.

    But don’t you find after all that jolliness last night, it takes away from him?

  16. hugh jackman sucked it and i wanted to punch anne hathaway in the face with her pretend surprise, but there is no way to win at hosting the oscars. it is designed for you to FAIL. and so therefore, i kind of feel a little bad for the chump who gets wrangled in each year.

    Anne Hathaway is the biggest dork in Hollywood ever.

  17. Red

    Well, I could agree that copious singing and dancing might be better suited to the Tony awards. I mean, I totally dig that sort of thing, but I usually don’t watch the Oscars.

    For my money, though, HJ has it ALL over Paul Hogan. Really.

    No way. Hogan would beat his ass.

  18. I only like him when he is covered in fur and has large metal talons popping out of his fingers and is kicking ass. If there is none of that going on, I am all set with the Jackman.

    PS- I just woke up and I just HAPPEN to be wearing that SAME crocodile skin vest as my PJs (and white tubes socks, nothing else. best sleeping uniform EVER) … what are the odds of THAT!?!?

    Hottest PJ outfit ever.

  19. Ah, Crocodile Dundee…I love him, especially his big…big…long…sharp…
    knife.

    I hope it’s not too sharp. For your sake.

  20. charmcitykim

    I didn’t watch the Oscars… and now I’m kind of glad. The only Aussie I want to see prancing around onstage is Paul Hogan.

    But seriously – would your head explode if they did a remake of Crocodile Dundee and he was played by Hugh Jackman?

    YES.

  21. Not Jackman’s fault, though I became constantly afraid another song/dance was about to break out. Would like to have seen Etta James appear, take a bitch down, and start singing “Bootilicious.” Would’ve been just as relevant HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL making an appearance. HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL. They stripped the show of polish and class. A hot mess. Handled by staying drunk for most of it.

    That’s how I deal with most things myself.

  22. Every time Hugh Jackman opened his mouth, I cut myself.

    BECAUSE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME.

    I do Kiala. I do.

  23. But he’s Wolveriiiiiiine!

    He was no Billy Crystal.

    Exactly.

  24. He may not be Mick Dundee, but at least he has Wolverine going for him. 🙂

    He’s lucky he has that.

  25. The Oscars were on last night?

    Yes – you won for Best Blogger Not Watching The Oscars.

  26. I survived through the dancing and singing by telling myself that I’m doing this for Heath Ledger.
    Sigh!

    He appreciated it.

  27. By the way, remember the english exam I told you about? The one where I spoke about your post on the crocs….Well, I cleared it and according to them, I am a Very Good User of the language 🙂
    Thanks!

    Haha! Awesome!

  28. Ask Alice

    I missed the oscars but was planning on utube-ing it…I guess I should be prepared for hilarity?

    Yes.

  29. I would’ve been ok w/the singing shit if he’d just STOPPED after 1 minute. I have a horrible attention span and it bugged the crap out of me.

    It lasted way too long. Like it from the moment it started.

  30. I don’t think he’s hot at all. Yucky.

    But he can dance!

  31. it’s always a g’day when i go online and see Paul Hogan. thanks.

    You’re welcome.

  32. Now I really want to see the George Michael dancing… I think you should tape some footage and put it on 12seconds.tv – and hey, maybe the dancing would put you over the top for next years sexiest man race…

    Good idea!

  33. Crocodile Dundee is one of the ten or so movies I CANNOT PASS BY if it’s on TV. Physically can’t do it.

    “That’s not a knife… THIS is a knife!”

    Mmmm…. Paul Hogan can walk across the heads of commuters to get to me any day.

    I love how everyone is in full support of them meeting up too – no one was objecting to his boot on their dome.

  34. I missed it. Thankfully, cuz I have this wonderful vision of Hugh and in it, he’s wonderful and half naked and …. 🙂 I think singing and dancing would have ruined it. Unless he was on a stage and raking in dollar bills, now that would have been entertaining…

    Like doing ventriloquism or something?

  35. Doesn’t “Hugh Jackman” sound like a porn name?

    Yes, yes it does.

  36. Poor Hugh. Last night was just painful to watch.

    It was gut wrenching.

  37. Hugh Jackman is a total douchebag. Ugh. I wouldn’t have been able to STAND to look at his face for that long. Thank heavens I don’t do awards shows!

    You’re better off for it.

  38. I don’t really hate musicals. I did, however, hate all the appearances by the High School Musical kids. Disney can be so evil.

    I didn’t mind Vanessa Hudgens though. I can say that, right?

  39. CapriceClassic

    Well, I think Hugh Jackman is overrated and overexposed. I have nothing more to add.

    That sums it up nicely.

  40. I didn’t think the Oscars were that bad last night. Hugh did a decent job with what he had to work with. You’re right…he’s not a comedian, however I recognize singing and dancing isn’t your thing, he stilled pulled it off well.

    The disgrace of the evening was Beyonce! When will the spotlight fade on this woman??? Between her god awful dress and performance, I was crossing my fingers hoping she would fall.

    You take that back about Beyonce! I love her and her booty!

  41. Just Playing Pretend

    I’m a woman, I like dancing and musicals, I appreciate Hugh Jackman as great eye candy. So he had three reasons for me to like him and his hosting abilities.
    He failed. I hated him up there. I felt awkward and uncomfortable for him. I just wanted his personal torture to end.
    Your right also, Paul Hogan. Best Australian actor. The end.

  42. Hugh’s got nothing on Paul!

  43. As badass as Paul is, he was awful in Crocodile Dundee. Awful.

  44. A.) Kyle is on my list. I love those movies.

    B.) “That’s not a knife. THIS is a knife”.

    C.) Hugh Jackman has great arms, but no earlobes. Seriously. Look at a close-up. Glad I didn’t see him make a mockery of himself.

  45. Definitely was flipping between the Oscars and the World Poker Tour last night, so I missed most of the dancing. The only part I saw was at the beginning, and I about died when he started with the, “I haven’t seen The Reader.” Techno dancing is so unbelievably ridiculous looking. I will die happy if I never see it again.

    ~Jaxie

    P.S. I’m a new reader, and I gave you an award over at my blog. Come check it out! 🙂

  46. Didn’t Hugh host another show not too long ago where he sang and danced and did some other annoying shit? Honestly whoever does the casting for those awards shows is either gay or gay on E.

  47. Ha ha ha – this second paragraph is exactly why I didn’t watch minute one of the ceremony, and didn’t even check to see who won this morning.

  48. Hugh Jackman can do no wrong. Enough said.

  49. I would like a lunch time dose of methadone. How do I get on that list? Thanks in advance.

  50. Kez

    Actually, I’m the best Australian EVER. But whatevs…

  51. If you ever want to hear a reader’s feedback 🙂 , I rate this article for 4/5. Detailed info, but I have to go to that damn yahoo to find the missed parts. Thank you, anyway!

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