Knowing Things is important.

Everyone likes to Know Things About Important Things, and one of the best subjects out there is the Amazon Rainforest.  Everyone loves to talk about the Rainforest, but no one actually knows anything about it.  Aside from, of course, that it must be saved!


Why should it be saved?  I’ll tell you what should be saved – this great pizza place down the street from my apartment – that should be saved.  They make the best slices in New York.  I’m not sure if it’s in danger, but if it is, I’ll do my part to rescue it by eating myself into a coma.

I don’t see why I need to know about the Rainforest if most people don’t even know what the hell it is or why we should be saving it.  Oh sure, people have this General Idea of what’s going on, but nothing solid.

Friend Concerned About Things: “Wow man, the Rainforest is in serious trouble.”

Me: “Oh?”

Friend Concerned About Things: “Yeah, we’ve got to save it.  All the medicines and things that are there.”

Me: “Medicines?  Like what?  Pepto Bismol?  If that’s where they discovered that Pink Magic I am with you, because that stuff is a life saver.”

Friend Concerned About Things:  “No man, damn.  Like serious medicines – this is serious dude!  Everything isn’t always a joke.”

Me: “Tell me one thing about the Rainforest. One fact.”

Friend Concerned About Things: “Uh, well, it’s home to lots of animals that are endangered.”

Me: “Like what?”

Friend Concerned About Things: “Like… Uh – ”

Me: “Is this going to take a long time?  I might need some Pepto.”

This is how it goes every time.  Everyone wants to save the Rainforest because it’s so important, but no one actually knows what the hell they’re saving.

So yeah, I don’t know much about the Amazon Rainforest, but at least I know that North Dakota grows more sunflowers than any other state, and that’s knowledge we can all use.

No, I don’t know how.


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49 responses to “knowing

  1. I never talk about the rainforest. My only concerns in life are getting laid and loaded.

    A perfect comment.

  2. CapriceClassic

    Save the rain forest? Most of the creatures that live in the rain forest can kill you with one bite or sting, and I’m too afraid to be killed. But I’ll plant a tree in the backyard if that helps.

    Good idea.

  3. they’d be saving a bunch of trees that provide oxygen

    for one.

    So then why not save all the forests?

  4. I don’t believe that factoid about North Dakota! That would mean that it actually has some value and I refuse to believe that North Dakota is good for anything aside from me making fun of it for being the most useless state in the union.

    Which is worse – North or South Dakota?

  5. Rainforest Crunch. That’s why we need to save the rain forest: because it’s delicious.

    Oh – good call.

  6. Do Pandas live in the rainforest? ‘Cause they’re endangered.

    I bet they do. Why not?

  7. Matt

    I saw a movie once with a bunch of hot amazon babes in the rainforest wearing nothing but loin cloths for clothes.

    That would be worth saving.

    I think they’d be too much for me.

  8. “not” ray’s pizza, huh? a catchy name. does it give you instant shits like ray’s does?

    Nope – it’s awesome.

  9. Trees provide oxygen. Humans need oxygen to breathe. That’s just one.

    However, I would agree with you that the pizza place would need to be saved if it is THAT good.

    Pizza > oxygen.

  10. This is timely: I recently discovered Pepto Bismol, and it is quite handy. Especially when your boyfriend wants to throw up all over your apartment for two days. Well done, sir.

    It is Pink love in a bottle.

  11. JustinS

    I’d like to save it in hopes that there are still small pockets of natives who’ve never seen The White Man before and who, when I accidentally stumble onto their village, will worship me like a god.

    Let’s investigate that. We could make them bow with our complicated shoes.

  12. Goddammit, why are people making fun of North Dakota? ND is awesome. That’s why I still live there….oh wait a minute. I mean, it’s awesome because I grew up there. I left a legacy. A LEGACY, people….and sunflowers!

    As I was writing this I thought, “Uh oh – Mindy is going to be pissed.” Obviously the best thing about N. Dakota is the Mindy’s.

  13. Pepto Bismol is INDEED from the rainforest. The animals that need to be saved are parakeets and chimps.

    I would like to eat some of that pizza. Is it good? Send me some….

    I will send some as an attachment. Plain?

  14. Red

    I’ve never been to “Not Ray’s”, but I effing love the name.

    Life changing slices.

  15. Your friend is right! Didn’t you watch that Sean Connery movie about the ants in the rainforest that cured cancer?

    Personally, I’d put more effort into the Congo. We have to save the Bonobos!!!

    What the hell are Bonobos?

  16. Y’know what else live in the rainforest? Amazonian babes.

    I know, but I think they’d beat me up.

  17. ooohhh I see that pizza spot when I’m on the B52… I will have to stop in now that I know it’s good. Have you ever been here? Pretty good!

    If pizza came from the rain forest…well then…you know….deep huh?

    I have – it is good. The 52! That’s our bus too!

  18. red

    Haven’t you seen the Sean Connery classic “Medicine Man”?

    I have, and I wish I had the brains to include it in this post, but obviously I don’t.

  19. Zoe

    The cute jaguars though. If we continue cutting down the rainforest I think I may just have to steal one… Er save one. 🙂

    I bet Jaguars are really cool.

  20. We need the rainforest because Sean Connery will one day find the bug that cures the cancer in it.

    I love how many people have commented about this.

  21. The Amazon Rainforest…
    The pizza place…
    I can’t make a decision…I’m sorry, this is too hard.

    I appreciate the effort.

  22. Oxygen. The rainforest makes a lot of it.

    Whoa, shit! Did I just get serious on you? I forgot where I was. Won’t happen again, dude, I promise.

    I have to entertain the thought, however, that there might be a kick-ass pizza joint somewhere deep in the Amazon that has never even been visited by white men. Or at least some crazy undiscovered jungle fruit that is destined to be an even better pizza topping than pepperoni. Do we want to risk losing that?

    Thank you for getting Un Serious quickly.

  23. I was just talking about how much I miss New York pizza. Maybe if they build a Not Ray’s Pizzeria in the rainforest…

    To dream…

  24. Saving a pizza place or saving a Starbucks are causes I could totally get behind.

    Well start sending donations today! To me of course.

  25. isn’t the kingdom of the crystal skull in the amazon? if that’s the case, let’s blow it up.

    on a side note, i will totally get lemmonex loaded and lay her.

    I haven’t even seen that movie yet! I am lame.

  26. Pepto makes me puke. I don’t know why it has that effect on me cuz it’s supposed to have the opposite effect. But I hurl everytime….

    Saving the rainforest is a good idea, but you’re right, if they want people to understand and want to help, they should be more informative.

    I am full of Helping Advice.

  27. This link has nothing to do with your post, but I feel like it’s something you should have:

    You are awesome for sharing.

  28. Saving the rainforest is so 2002.

    Haha – I am so Out this year.

  29. Pretty much everything I know about the rainforest I learned from Amazon Trail, the less-fun knockoff of Oregon Trail. Spearing a fish is more difficult than shooting elk. That’s about all I learned.

    Haha – man that game sounds fucking lame.

  30. One thing I Know that Other People Do Not Know is that Buffalo live in Europe and Bison live in America.

    I do not think Buffalo or Bison live in the rainforest, though. But I could be wrong.

    I just learned something new!

  31. A) You make me giggle with the pepto stuff.

    B) I know some rainforest animals that are endangered! Want a list? Why, of course you do.

    Harpy Eagles- They live in the lowland rainforests like all over(Central and South America, Bolivia, Brazil). Have you seen these little freaks? We have to save them. They’re too awesome!

    Golden Lion Tamarind Monkeys- They live in the lowland rainforests of Brazil. Again. Creepy and totally worth keeping around.

    Orangutans- Seriously. They live in the rainforests of Sumatra and Borneo. We’re making them little primate hobos and they’re not making it!

    There. That’s a few to point out what a concerned dork I am.

    Save the pepto(and the critters)!

    I just googled Harpy Eagles, and you’re right – they’re pretty cool.

    Fucking wild Eagle.

  32. I love reading your posts because they make me feel like you hate life, and that cracks me up.
    I love the rain forest. Want to know why? Because I have BBC’s Planet Earth dvd set.
    And not only do I love the rain forest, I love all of the earth.
    And I recycle. Aluminum foil. As to save the RF.
    (And Pepto Bismol tastes like chalk.)

    I don’t hate life, but I definitely give it The Stink Eye.

  33. How exactly does one ‘save the rainforest’? I would like to see a plan in black and white; as opposed to a plan dressed in hemp.

    Haha – exactly.

  34. We need to save the rainforests because they have chocolate there or coco or whatever…


  35. Pfft. Endangered plants and animals of the Amazon. What’s the big deal? They’re all poisonous, anyway. I say call in the logging company.

    Bring ’em in!

  36. what’s the rainforest? doesn’t it rain in all forests?

    I know!

  37. Fuck the rainforest.

    I know what needs saving.

    My sex life.

    My husband says having sex with me is like trying to screw a weeble.

    He wasn’t saying that 7 months ago.

    Things change.

  38. With no rain forests where will Rambo kill people?


  39. We need to Save the Rainforest so that People Who Care About Things can be distracted away from the No Smoking Agenda. ‘Cause those people are assholes.

    I bet you’re a smoker.

  40. Byron

    Wow, so lets clog up the internet on why we are ignorant about rainforests.

    You sir are why contraceptives were invented.

    I am? That’s awesome! I wonder if I can get some royalties? I bet royalties from Magnums are huge! Get it??? I am great.

  41. The rainforest provides habitat for various species of animals. The canopy, trunk, root system, and even the fallen leaves provide a place for these creatures to live and thrive. What happens when rainforests are destroyed? First, all of the trees, underbrush and the animals not able to escape are killed. Many animals that escape migrate to an area already populated. Since the land will only support a limited number of any species, only a few will survive. At the best we will only have lost those individuals without a habitat. It is possibly, however, that the entire population will uses up all available resources and spirals into extinction.

    Okay Wikipedia Maxie.

  42. Yes. I googled “why should we save the rainforest” for that last comment.

    You’re welcome.

    You put “your” instead of “you’re” and I edited it, so you’re welcome.

    No seriously that was actually very informative.

  43. Dude, don’t ever move to California. They will run you out on a stake. (But I will welcome you with open, politically incorrect arms)

  44. north dakota is a vast wasteland of fields and fences. yuck.

  45. Christina

    The Amazon rainforest, also known as Amazonia, is one of the world’s greatest natural resources. Because its vegetation continuously recycles carbon dioxide into oxygen, it has been described as the “Lungs of our Planet”. About 20% of earth’s oxygen is produced by the Amazon rainforest.

  46. Just Playing Pretend

    I went to the Amazon once. It was really hot. I was sweaty and stinky the entire time. Oh, and I got mad cow disease from all the freaking mosquitoes. I’m serious. Amazon=Not That Great

  47. sid

    How bout trees provide universe with oxygen … without oxygen we die …

  48. I’m all concerned about this pizza place now – finally, an issue that matters to me.

  49. ha! love it. you just couldn’t let him get away with it, could you?

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