a letter

Dear Oprah,

I just saw the cover of the April issue of your magazine, and I think I’ve had enough.  I know that you do a lot of good for people and all that, but this is a little ridiculous.

Michelle and Oprah, in a world where belts are a must, even if they are plastic and clear.

Michelle and Oprah, in a world where belts are a must, even if they are plastic and clear.

I’m not even talking about how you and Michelle Obama are obviously photo-shopped.  Or the fact that you let the first lady get photographed wearing a belt I’m sure they sell at Wal-Mart.  Because that doesn’t even really bother me.

What I have a problem with is that you couldn’t let Michelle Obama have the cover of your magazine to herself.

Is it not enough that you have been on the cover of every single other issue?  I guess not.  When you found out she was giving  you an interview, you just couldn’t let the first black First Lady ever chill by herself.  Nope!  You had to be on the cover too!

I don’t understand.  What is the point?  It’s not like people don’t know who you are already.  When I’m at Dunkin’ Donuts ordering a healthy chocolate donut for myself, and I see you walk in, it’s not like I’m turning to my friend and exclaiming, “Who’s that black lady???”  No, I’m saying, “Damn! Oprah likes donut holes too!”

What I’m trying to say is that it doesn’t make sense.  I don’t get how you didn’t think, at least just for a second, “Maybe I could step aside this time.” You do know the damn magazine is named after you, right?

Anyway, I think I’m done with you.  This is just too weird.

In closing, now that I’ve voiced my disapproval, please don’t use your special Oprah Magic to turn me into a one-legged monkey.

Best,

Chris

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57 Comments

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57 responses to “a letter

  1. idontliketoread

    you know, I have the same clear belt! I’ve been waiting for a reason to put it back into my rotation.

    Rock it.

  2. Indi

    I see ur point now… but y the anger…
    Its all glam-sham as they say!!

    I have a special ability to get angry at pretty much anything.

  3. Even Vogue gave her the cover to herself, and we all know that magazine is run by crazy-ass bitches and narcissists obsessed with their weight.

    *pauses, clears throat*

    Oh wait, you think I’m trying to imply that Oprah falls into these catergories? I never said that dude. Never. Said. That.

    It’s too late, her henchmen are after you now.

  4. Oprah can do no wrong!

    Except not really.

    She has got to be stopped.

  5. jay grochalski

    oprah winfrey—patron saint of fat, lonely, materialistic house faus all over america.

    Oh snap!

  6. don’t even get me started on oprah.

    Let’s hear it – this is a safe place.

  7. I thought I was the only one who felt that way. I absolutely can’t stand Oprah and this was the nail in the coffin as far as I’m concerned. Let the lady have the whole cover. Oprah acts like they’re bffs and I bet Michelle is just like “omg, you’re annoying.”

    I bet she is too.

  8. Yes but look how dowdy Oprah looks next to the statuesque Michelle.

    That has to make you feel good a little bit at least.

    Of course.

  9. What I love about this post is that it implies for the past ten years or so you’ve been right with O and her magazine. You love those book recommendations and toenail polish ideas don’t you? Don’t you, Chris?!?

    Haha – I cannot lie, I live and die by her book club.

  10. Apparently there was some article not to long ago about how ‘hard’ it is for her to put herself on the cover month after month because of her body image issues. She certainly has no “I am the center of the universe issues”.

    Right, she has a lot of issues.

  11. I do like how it looks a bit like they aren’t even in the same place at all. Like there was no way that was a real conversation ever. They just took the 2 best pictures they could find of each of them and just did one of those photo-merge thingies to make it look sort of like they were maybe standing next to each other…kind of.

    Whoever the art director for the mag is should be fired.

  12. bwp

    Wait, who is Oprah? She’s popular in Europe, right?I’m just not very familiar with her work.

    She’s not an actual person, more like a myth – kind of like Jim Carrey.

  13. Lynne

    I couldn’t agree more! Why does she always have to be on the cover? She’s so full of herdamnself.

    It’s pretty bad.

  14. Wait! Oprah goes to your Dunkin? And she lets you stay in the donut shop with her? You’re obviously the man!

    I didn’t even think of that!

  15. Matt

    oh snaP! No you didnt.

    Oh yes I did!

  16. Notice the lack of eye contact and the way Michelle has her hands splayed in a “that’s quite enough!” motion… It’s like you’re reading her mind.

    I tried to at least.

  17. I, too, wondered how Oprah’s ego fit on the cover.

    And the clear belt thing? Michelle can wear any damn thing she wants. You know it. She knows it.
    Oprah is pissed off about it.

    Hey, I’m not mad, I just want to see her look her best.

  18. What the hell is Oprah doing with her hands? Saying a prayer? Please add my name to your letter. I was already done with her, but now I’m double done.

    I’ll sign your name.

  19. That cover looks like it was photoshopped. As in Oprah was photoshopped into the picture.

    I think you should start a fashion blog since you like to write about clothes and stuff.

    That’s what I said, it was photoshopped without a doubt. And maybe I should…

  20. yes, the plasti-belts are silly… and how has she not been booted off her covers yet? i thought i heard a while back that she wasn’t going to do it anymore… you know she’s got a hallway lined with framed covers of her

    I bet there are some in her bathroom too.

  21. You are so damn right. She IS on every cover of a magazine named after her, which is entirely unnecessary.

    Hey, if a celeb backs out at the last moment and they have nobody else to grace that front page, then go for it. But otherwise, you are very correct in your opinions my friend.

    You should have heard me screaming about this at the bar on Friday – I get carried away with things.

  22. She’s gonna git yoooooou. Be careful.

    I ain’t scared!

  23. this is so funny…i hate oprah and rachel ray for this reason!

    There are a ton of reasons to hate RR.

  24. In This Issue: Michelle Obama looks gorgeous, Oprah looks like a cocker spaniel.

    Sums it up nicely.

  25. Who is that large grape next to Mrs. Obama?

    Like Grimace!

  26. Is that a clear belt? Over a sweater? Why am I noticing this?

    Because you can’t unnotice it.

  27. OPRAH HAS ALREADY STARTED MESSING WITH YOU! NOW SHE’S MESSING WITH ME FOR COMMENTING! THAT CRAZY BITCH PUBLISHED MY COMMENT REPEATEDLY! She even messed with my spelling. I am so frightened…

    Don’t worry I deleted them. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be scared.

  28. You are in sooo much trouble now. I’m just going to pretend from here on out that I don’t know you – it’s just too risky otherwise.

    I understand.

  29. all i got from this post is that, like me, you are a wigger, too. although instead of nelly you are thinking about big black women.

    I do love black women.

  30. Dear Chris,

    If it’s possible, I love you more than ever! Thank you (from the bottom, side, and top of my heart) for being an angry-over-practically-nothing blogger for us all to read. It’s times like these when we need you more than ever.

    Sincerely,
    Ambles

    P.S. I really hope you don’t turn into a monkey.

    Haha – thanks.

  31. bex

    I suspect that since she isn’t currently 400 lbs., she wants to be on the cover as much as she can while someone else can fit in the frame as well.

    That’s a good point.

  32. Dear Chris,

    I was the first black First Lady ever and don’t you forget it.

    Love Oprah.

    P.S. Watch your back, punk. I’ll buy your ass and sell you to Disney.

    You can’t afford me! Ok, maybe you can. What do you have in your purse right now?

  33. charmcitykim

    My first thought when I saw this cover was, “please don’t let clear belts become fashionable.”

    I weep for America’s children.

  34. Not only is it bad that she HAS to be on EVERY cover, but that picture of her is horrible. Even though it is photoshopped to hell and back. You’d think they could at least of picked a decent picture of them both. They both kind of look like shit although Oprah defnitely lost out in the looks department between the 2 of them.

    Michelle Obama is a hottie.

  35. Do they sell that at walmart? Please…tell one of your readers to go and buy me one…and a happy meal! I read it was bringing a hello kitty watch 😛

    I’ll do what I can.

  36. didn’t you know that oprah has to be on the cover of EVERY ONE of her magazines? she doesn’t share shit, plus she has to show how her and michelle are bff’s.

    sidenote, i once had to wear clear shoes in a wedding. CLEAR SHOES – it was traumatizing for me.

    Was it a stripper getting married?

  37. i’ve gotta be honest. the fact that you noticed michelle’s belt was likely wal-mart quality is just a tad disturbing.

    How so? Like it means I’m even cooler than you ever imagined?

  38. Hold on- I can wear my belt over my sweater?

    This changes everything.

    The world is your oyster.

  39. I both love and hate the belt. This is like many things in my life.

    I know exactly what you mean.

  40. hautepocket

    But her dress is LILAC. That has to count for something! Ok, maybe not.

    Yeah, probably not.

  41. OK Oprah went a little overboard here. And I am not just saying that because she didn’t accept my wedding proposal.

    However, we have to explore the possibility that Michelle didn’t want Oprah to break her very narcissistic tradition for her sake.

    Look at their body language…
    Appears as if Oprah is saying, “Please let me feature you alone on the cover!” And it looks like Michelle responds, “Absolutely not, I am not wearing this clear belt alone!”

    I’m just saying, it’s possible.

    It is.

  42. *Hands you crutches*

    These are for when she comes, monkey.

    I appreciate that, and I won’t forget your kindness.

  43. It was nice knowing you, monkey boy.

    Bright side? If you can find a blind organ grinder, you two would make a boss team on the panhandling circuit.

    I can’t wait!

  44. CapriceClassic

    I share your sentiments, Chris. *sighs* I wish I could stand Oprah, but sadly I cannot. It’s like she’s extra full of herself. I thought charitable people were supposed to be humble.

    Me too. But I guess it’s hard being rich.

  45. I wanted to make some joke about kung fu and clear being the new black as far as belts go…

    But really I’m just too fucking tired. Can we all just pretend I did it and it was as funny as I think it could have been?

    Absolutely.

  46. See I disagree. I think this is just another example of Oprah helping people. She’s teaching us a lesson. No one ever got far life without being a total egomaniac and she’s living proof everyday.

    Always one step ahead of us that Oprah.

  47. I am surprised Oprah didn’t try and also put her dogs in the picture with Michelle Obama. Oprah be crazy.

    Next month!

  48. Okay, but do you REALLY care?

    Yes, of course I do. Just like you REALLY care about everything you write on your blog.

  49. such a good point. And I kind of liked the belt.

  50. mel

    Wait.. she did share the cover once before… with herself.

    I am 100% with you.

  51. i don’t think oprah would ever let someone be on the cover of her magazine all by themselves. it’s against oprah rules.

  52. amen . . . and good luck with the one-legged monkey thing. you will be punished for this for sure.

  53. I didn’t think it was possible for Michelle Obama to look anything but beautiful, but Oprah has proven me wrong. What is with that pose???

  54. is that really Oprah on the front cover? i mean, I know it’s been photoshopped but, God damn that woman is UGLY! Oprah’s not that ugly, surely. I seen er on tha TV.

  55. Kez

    Since I got my DVR I’ve been watching WAY too much Oprah. She is a one woman cult, y’all.
    I find myself quoting her, quoting other people all the time and when I saw that cover I didn’t even blink.
    Oh sh*t.

  56. I’m going to photoshop myself into that picture asap and put it up on my wall.

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