if you don’t like swearing you should read something else or maybe just get a life

I feel like shit because I have allergies and when the seasons change it’s like I get kicked in the fucking face by every pollen-producing flower in the city and even though there’s only like 27 of them it still sucks.

How the hell can I have allergies in the first place?  Aren’t humans supposed to be evolved or something like that?

Did the apes that we evolved from millions of years ago have worse allergies than I do right now?  How is that even possible?

If they did I can’t imagine they got much done in their day to day lives.  Not that stupid cave man gorillas probably had that much responsibility. I have to imagine that their to do lists on an average day looked something like this:

  1. Wake up.
  2. Scratch butt.
  3. Smell finger.
  4. Look for food.
  5. Punch friend.
  6. Eat.
  7. Poop on a sleeping dinosaur.
  8. Go to bed.

I’m not even going to comment on how much that to do list resembles my day, because the point is these fucking apes should have set us all up better than this.

If they were walking around one day, and discovered that something made their nose stuffed up – THEY SHOULD HAVE SMASHED IT!!!

But no, stupid fucking apes just kept on doing their thing and now I have to sit here like a fucking idiot feeling like death all because some hairy beast couldn’t go out of his way to stomp on some flowers.

You know the only people who are happy our ancestors were fucking morons?  Kleenex.  Those people who invented Kleenex are loving them some ancient gorillas!  I bet they have framed pictures of them hanging on the walls of the plant where they make the damn things.

Now that I’ve successfully bashed apes and the Kleenex brand, I would love to say something about motherfucking Jamie Foxx and how he needs to stop making music, but I can’t, I have to go blow my damn nose.

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55 Comments

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55 responses to “if you don’t like swearing you should read something else or maybe just get a life

  1. I bet your fun to deal with when you’ve got the flu.

    I am, I sit in bed and whine a lot.

  2. Now, I hate to delight in the misery of others, but Goddamn if this wasn’t hilarious.

    You should move to Canada. It’s too cold for anything to grow here, so we don’t have allergies. Just cancer.

    But you have universal health care!

  3. Ben

    Jamie Foxx is still making music?

    Huh.

    Persistent little bugger, isn’t he?

    Yes he is.

  4. now i have that “blame it on the alcohol” song in my head. thanks.

    Shit, sorry about that.

  5. Your Jamie Foxx observation: too true.

    Sad but true. Just like Metallica told us.

  6. Dude. I cannot believe you just poured haterade all over Jamie Foxx. “Blame It” is my fucking JAM.

    And I’m sorry that it’s your jam.

  7. CapriceClassic

    *sighs* Jamie Foxx. Oh how I loved him in “The Jamie Foxx Show.” He actually tried to start singing before he started acting, but it didn’t take. The only song I like of his is “Unpredictable.” But, I agree that he needs to stop with the music. When’s he gonna get it in his head that music is just not his schtick. For crying out loud – he got a damn OSCAR – he should just stick to acting.

    Exactly.

  8. …. I kind of like Jamie Foxx, but I should probably just shut up about that.

    Looks like stocking up on allergy meds is in your near future!

    I’m glad you didn’t elaborate on the Foxx thing.

  9. a teaspoon of local honey every day will build your immunities to local allergens/become a man

    Right, I’m sure that works perfectly.

  10. Maybe you just aren’t highly evolved? Because I have practically no allergies at all, I must be further away from ape than you.

    Hahaha – well said.

  11. kat

    Allergies are just God using nature to show how much he hates you.

    I will punch nature and God in the face!

  12. I wish the cavemen also could have given us sturdier backs and knees.

    Aren’t you in the city somewhere? I totally thought allergies were a country thing. Huh.

    They’re not and it sucks.

  13. Red

    See, I have the best allergies in my family, but I also have an autoimmune disorder. Both it and allergies are related to the immune system; I’m pretty convinced that b/c I have this illness, I don’t have really bad allergies. But I still have some and I have to take my meds with a needle. So everybody’s got somethin’. No whining.

    Whining is fun. And I like to think of this post as more “bitching” than whining.

  14. Note to self: Send memo to gorillas to smash Jamie Foxx.

    Haha – and get video of it.

  15. Look on the bright side. You could be my dog. She’s allergic to grass and it makes her bum itchy.

    Don’t you feel a little better now that you know you could be going around rubbing your bum on the carpet instead of just blowing your nose?

    I don’t know, that sounds kind of fun.

  16. Daisee579

    My hub gets the allergies too. You forgot to mention the folks at Allegra, Nasonex, Clarinex, etc. all are also profiting off the stupidity of our ancestor apes. I’m pretty sure my hub and I are personally paying for a new wing in these companies’ buildings with all the crap he buys to squirt up his nose or swallow in an attempt to stop the misery.

    Yeah, all the drug companies love them some dumb apes.

  17. Pace yourself…the allergies are going to get way worse before they get better.

    I know, but I’m not good at pacing myself. Just ask anyone who has ever drank with me.

  18. Ugh. I feel your pain. I suddenly became allergic to grass about 3 years ago. How I was completely fine w/ grass up until I turned 26 is beyond me. How does someone all of a sudden become allergic to something they’ve been around their entire life? It sucks. Nasonex is my cure all. Go get a prescription for it. It is awesome.

    Ha! My allergies laugh in the face of Nasonex! It does nothing for me.

  19. Do you think they were allergic to porn, too? I don’t think I’ve seen any nasty cave drawings. Poor things.

    And there’s yet another thing the Kleenex people should be thankful for: the porn.

    True – and sock makers.

  20. Matt

    Great. Fucking. Post.

    I hope the people over at Kleenex are reading this.

    They better be.

  21. My hubster is allergic to everything! When I first met him, his yes were always pink and I thought he was a pothead, but it was the fact that he didn’t realize how much shit was really effecting him. He finally took a blood test.

    He’s on allergy meds year-round and if I don’t dust, he accuses me of trying to kill him.

    I am too, but they don’t do a damn thing for me.

  22. Do you have the allergy thing where your eyes water and everybody thinks they made you cry? I hate that. How am I supposed to come off cold hearted when I look weepy? It’s a problem.

    Hahaha – But you have a good look for that though, I buy it.

  23. this line kills me:

    I bet they have framed pictures of them hanging on the walls of the plant where they make the damn things.

    best mental pic ever 🙂

    Thanks.

  24. Evolution? You just got all the religious freaks out of their chairs and in t minus 35 seconds bombarding your blog with God created us all comments.

    To those people I say..SIT DOWN!

    I would love it if that happened.

  25. The problem is we keep allowing all the people with allergies to continue living and fucking up the gene pool, kind of like stupid people.

    Harsh? Yup.

    I won’t go down without a fight dude!

  26. AUGH! I know EXACTLY what you mean. I told my mom last night that I was pretty sure my allergies were kicking in and she said “no way, it’s March.” To which I responded by sneezing into the phone. Seriously though, we live in a CONCRETE JUNGLE. How are my allergies worse here than they were when I was in State College (aka the middle of cornfields and woods and abundant greenery)?!

    It’s fucking frustrating.

  27. I think the people that make Suda-meth are happy with the monkey’s too. Just sayin.

    Yes, them too.

  28. ‘swearing makes you sound smart’
    teehee
    your blog is funny.

    Thanks.

  29. I actually pretty much listen to Jamie Foxx.

    Do you wanna smash me? heheh!

    Yes, here comes my fist through the computer screen.

  30. one thing I am better at than you: my allergies are awesome and don’t give me shit.

    I’m glad you use Kleenex though and not your shirt sleeve.

    I am a pretty classy guy, aren’t I?

  31. sridevi

    I have the allergy all through the year.
    Sigh!
    Nowadays, I keep rolls of toilet paper all over the house, cos they’re cheaper than tissues.
    Is that gross?
    I hope not.

    Not at all.

  32. Tim

    I wish the ape I evolved from had a bigger wang.

    Haha – I hear there are pills for that now dude.

  33. wow…someone’s cranky this morning 😛
    poor Chris..my brother has allergies (not that you care anyway) too…sigh…I’m sorry for you guys…I, on the contrary..have evolved and I don’t have allergies at all, never.

    Just wait, you’ll get them.

  34. Don’t get so bent out of shape about your allergies. It’s just nature’s way of weeding you out, that’s all.

    I will not be defeated!

  35. OK, seriously: FLONASE year-round. Texass has the highest concentration of allergens than anywhere in North America. Even people who were born can develop allergies in their 30s and 40s!!! I have to carry an EpiPen (epinephrine shot) because my allergies are deadly, BUT, I swear to you year-round Flonase keeps me alive. It does take 2-3 weeks to take full effect but afte that you’re gold AND it helps with preventing colds. And no, I am not their spokesbitch.

    I’ve tried Flonase and nothing. My allergies are super allergies.

  36. *cough* EDIT: even people who were born in Texass (not just people who were born)

    I understand.

  37. jay grochalski

    come on, dude, the Jamie Foxx song isn’t that bad…at least Ne-Yo is on it. could be worse…could be Party All the Time. People have allergies because the world is so sanitary now.

    I can’t stand any of his music.

  38. when my allergies were bad (or even when they weren’t) i’d fake “women’s problems” at the school nurse and she’d send me home. an afternoon full of benadryl and the couch was pure bliss during high school.

    I wish I could fake women problems.

  39. I’m sorry. I have nothing funny. I just know that being sick / allergies sucks sleeping dinosaur balls.

    Drink lots of water.

    XOML

    Thanks!

  40. Allergies are for nerds.

    Damn you!

  41. Classic! I can always count on your for a good, daily laugh during this unemployed, dull existence I am living.
    I’m allergic to everything – the seasons, roses, dust, wheat, Christmas trees, cats. The only thing I don’t mind is the cats. They don’t like me and I don’t like them either. (sorry, cat people)
    TCG

    I don’t like cats either.

  42. Well, someone’s cranky today, huh?

    You? Ha – see what I did there? I’m a genius.

  43. I smell a conspiracy. Those Kleenex bastards keep pumping allergens into the air so we’ll keep needing their soft, fluffy tissues!!!!

    I wouldn’t doubt it!

  44. I have never had allergies in my life, but it sounds like it sucks…at least you made me feel better about myself!

    That’s why I write this blog, to help people.

  45. I. Loved. This.
    Mucinex D is my bff when I’m having allergies. Unless it was this past time I had allergies (i.e. this past week/weekend) when I felt like I wanted to throw myself off the top of a building. My suggestion? Mucinex D. You have to get it from the Pharmacist because people use it to make Meth…or at least you have to get it from the Pharmacist down here in Dixie because Meth Labs are on every street corner and trailer park. Either way…plain old Mucinex doesn’t do anything…it’s all about the D.

    I know, I use Allegra D. But it sucks. Maybe I should try that stuff.

  46. I just wanted to say that when I first got to this post, I read the 1 through 8 list first, and then got to the poop on dinosaur part and thought, “Hmm I better stop and read the beginning, for context.”

    Good idea.

  47. Wait…

    I’m NOT supposed to smell my finger after?

    Well, you can if you want. But make sure you wipe your face off afterward.

  48. God, I just cannot wait to get to the pooping on a sleeping dinosaur part of today, you know what I’m saying?

  49. i’m pretty sure i keep kleenex is business year round. it’s sort of ridiculous.

  50. “Those people who invented Kleenex are loving them some ancient gorillas!”

    You win. Forever. Best line that will ever be written in a blog. Ever. Congratulations.

  51. I want to poop on a dinosaur. 😦

  52. I see it like, because people with allergies don’t DIE anymore because of all our medicine, we are weakening our genepool, and this is why teenagers are such shits, and little kids are worse. Therefore, people after you will have it worse, but they will deserve it more!

  53. “Blame it on the alchohol” is the theme song to my life.

  54. Worse still, everywhere else I’ve lived has been allergy-free, so then I rant for hours about how those places were awesomer. It’s a joy to sit through.

  55. You already shot down the local honey thing, so all I’ve got is, “Better living through pharmaceuticals”.

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