I feel like shit because I have allergies and when the seasons change it’s like I get kicked in the fucking face by every pollen-producing flower in the city and even though there’s only like 27 of them it still sucks.
How the hell can I have allergies in the first place? Aren’t humans supposed to be evolved or something like that?
Did the apes that we evolved from millions of years ago have worse allergies than I do right now? How is that even possible?
If they did I can’t imagine they got much done in their day to day lives. Not that stupid cave man gorillas probably had that much responsibility. I have to imagine that their to do lists on an average day looked something like this:
- Wake up.
- Scratch butt.
- Smell finger.
- Look for food.
- Punch friend.
- Poop on a sleeping dinosaur.
- Go to bed.
I’m not even going to comment on how much that to do list resembles my day, because the point is these fucking apes should have set us all up better than this.
If they were walking around one day, and discovered that something made their nose stuffed up – THEY SHOULD HAVE SMASHED IT!!!
But no, stupid fucking apes just kept on doing their thing and now I have to sit here like a fucking idiot feeling like death all because some hairy beast couldn’t go out of his way to stomp on some flowers.
You know the only people who are happy our ancestors were fucking morons? Kleenex. Those people who invented Kleenex are loving them some ancient gorillas! I bet they have framed pictures of them hanging on the walls of the plant where they make the damn things.
Now that I’ve successfully bashed apes and the Kleenex brand, I would love to say something about motherfucking Jamie Foxx and how he needs to stop making music, but I can’t, I have to go blow my damn nose.