what’s really going on

Ever hear of the magazine The Economist?

Here:

I wish I could make explosions with my hands too.  It's kinda cool.

I wish I could make explosions with my hands too. It's kinda cool.

It’s a weekly news and international affairs magazine and it is probably the most boring thing to read of all time.  Aside from the Bible.  But at least the Bible’s full of fairy tales and burning bushes and fun stuff like that.

The Economist is Time on crack. It’s Newsweek on PCP and it’s Maxim, well, it doesn’t have anything in common with Maxim because I firmly believe that Maxim is actually one big joke; that none of the editors actually meant for anyone to read it.

What The Economist is most of all though, is a magazine that people read to show other people how smart they are.  It’s like a portable show and tell for adults. They want everyone to see the cool thing that they have be jealous.  But don’t be.

Because whenever you see a person reading this magazine, trust me, they are not enjoying themselves. They just want people to think that they Know Things about places, places that they actually cannot even pronounce.

I know because I tried.  About a year ago I thought to myself, “I would really like to keep up on Issues.”  So I tried reading it for about a month straight.

It was horrible.

I felt like punching my own eyes.  My own eyes!

Every single time I started reading an article in The Economist I would get bored within the first three paragraphs.  I felt, like my friend J.P. says about watching Jeopardy, that I was doing homework.  And the only thing good about being an adult is not having to do homework, so I stopped trying to act like it was a good magazine.

Now it’s just me and my Ranger Rick.  Just try and get bored with all those articles about baby alligators – I dare you!

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56 Comments

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56 responses to “what’s really going on

  1. haha i totally did the same thing. all “i am going to get smart about current events by reading the economist” and i wanted to poke my eyes out with a spork. which is far worse than punching your own eye, i promise.

    but i disagree on jeopardy – it is one of my favorite shows (next to cops).

    Love it. I thought you’d agree on this. And I like Jeopardy, my friend doesn’t. And who doesn’t love Cops? There’s a reason that show has been on since the dawn of time.

  2. But at least the Bible’s full of fairy tales and burning bushes and fun stuff like that.

    You may get flamed for this but I think I just fell in love with you. Just a little bit.

    I am not scared of made up “gods,” they can bring it if they want.

  3. You know what? You’re absolutely right! The best thing about being an adult is no friggin’ homework!! Thanks! When my daughter swoops in on my free time with her math book, I’ll slap her with my dueling glove. 😉

    I think it’ll make you two closer.

  4. Now, I actually enjoy Jeopardy, but that’s because I’m pretentious and like to get drunk off cheap booze and my own sense of misplaced intelligence.

    That magazine, on the other hand, is terrible. I should know. My desire to appear far smarter than I actually am doesn’t end with Jeopardy. And OMIGOD ERIN I LOVE COPS, TOO!!! Seriously, I watch it pretty much every weekend.

    Uh, I think I just dispelled that whole “I like to look smart” thing with that last line.

    I love Jeopardy, so you’re all good there. And Cosign on Cops.

  5. ugh, you are so right. if i see someone reading this on a bus or worse, at a coffee shop, it takes much effort to resist the temptation to rip that magazine to shreds.

    thank god we don’t print that at my work.

    You could always just throw it in the trash.

  6. jay grochalski

    i was a loyal Maxim reader until they put Rachel Ray in there. then i was done, and it was back to Black Tail and 50+ for me.

    Words cannot describe how much I liked Black Tail back in the day.

  7. I actually like the Economist. But I’m guessing you don’t because you like to read up on fashion stuff.

    No, I’m never letting the fashion thing go.

    We all have our faults.

  8. My dad actually enjoys it, but he’s an AP Econ teacher, ha. I’m with you, hunched over a table doing a Highlights word search.

    Well okay, maybe he likes it.

  9. Yeah the economist is one of the magazines I pretend read.

    haha! I want the fucking people who publish that to read this!

  10. I only like magazines that make me feel superior to it’s other readers such as Highlights and Turtle magazines.

    I highly reccommend those publications.

    Turtle? I’ll have to check that out.

  11. Recommend. Not reccommend.

    Maybe I’m not superior to the readers of Turtle magazine after all.

    Shit.

    We’re all equal here.

  12. Ranger Rick looks killer good.

    My husband’s mom got him a subscription to The Handyman’s Journal for his birthday, like three years in a row. Finally I had to tell her that he doesn’t even hang our pictures.

    He still set it out on the coffee table though. I think he was trying to impress people too!

    Probably so.

  13. idontliketoread

    Fuck Jeopardy!

    Who is, a man who doesn’t like trivia shows?

  14. I like how you took the time to white out your name and address…you know, just in case the people from the Economist read this and want to come over and kick your ass.

    Listen to that for a second: “people who read The Economist kick your ass.” I’m fairly certain that I could take the people who read that magazine. Every single one of them. At once.

  15. the bible is the best fiction book ever written, man. I mean, look how many movies have been made after it.

    so, do you like the articles in Maxim? haha.

    I usually just look at the butts of the hot girls.

  16. Haha! I read it because I feel like I have to to be a grown up. My dad reads it too, so he knows if I don’t…

    See? No one likes it!

  17. sridevi

    The possibly famous dude on the cover page has very feminine hands.
    Kinda creepy.

    Explosive feminine hands!

  18. Totally agree. I tried and tried with The Economist as my old colleague in Finance used to give me her issue to read on flights. I couldn’t make it past 3 sentences let alone paragraphs. I remember thinking people must think I look really smart reading it and then realized, why the hell do I care what anyone thinks? So I broke out my Cosmo mag. At least my ex-boss was honest. He was the type who made it to the top of the firm without a high intelligence level or much skill. He said he couldn’t make it through an entire article either.

    I knew no one liked that damn thing.

  19. we have a subscription to that thing…

    I never read it.

    It’s terrible.

  20. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone actually reading The Economist. I’ve only seen people carrying it around.

    Which supports your point.

    Yup.

  21. Wow – I’ve seen you want to punch other people’s eyes – but your OWN eyes?

    I know! It’s like when people talk about Nate Robinson being a quality player: Hello??? Yes he scored 30 points, but it took 32 shots to get there and the guy he’s guarding dropped 40 on him! He fucking sucks!

  22. Matt

    The only “magazines” I ever even try to read are the ones that are kept behind the cashier.

    With the black plastic cover over it.

    Those are typically the best.

  23. So I’m guessing Jackson P. Puppy doesn’t have a subscription?

    No way. Jack likes sports and sports only.

  24. i firmly believe that readers of the economist are self-loathing masturbators.

    Hmm… Maybe I do like that magazine after all.

  25. bwp

    I don’t have to worry about this because I don’t even know how to read.

    Reading is overrated.

  26. What? The cover has a huge explosion! In a guy’s hand! And the guy has a white beard. I thought that was the bible.

    Hahaha – nice.

  27. Ranger Rick is a tough one. You should switch to Highlights- they’ve got the Timbertoes.

    Sweet!

  28. I can’t even get through the title without nodding off.

    I met a guy last Friday night downtown who told us he was going to listen to a podcast about economics on his walk home. Now that’s a crazy night on the town.

    I bet I could kick his ass at Jeopardy anyway.

    Or at least just kick his ass in general.

  29. Just had an SNL Jeopardy flashback…..

    “Can I have The Rapist for 500?”
    “That’s Therapists”
    “That’s not what your mother said last night Trebec!”

    AND….End scene.

    Totally not the most accurate quote..but you get the idea…haha.

    Yes, I loved those skits.

  30. “a magazine that people read to show other people how smart they are.” – that is TOTALLY the only reason that I tried (and failed) to read that mag. SO boring. Although I disagree w/ your friend the Jeopardy! is like homework. I love that show b/c I used to watch it w/ my grandma (a fact that also proves that it’s Very Cool to watch – and brag about watching – Jeopardy!).

    Jeopardy is the shit.

  31. HEY!!! i actually LIKE watching Jeopardy! I enjoy yelling out my random answers (which are mostly wrong, and mostly the same answer for the whole category in hopes that it will be right for atleast one of them)

    dont you judge me….. dont you dare judge me…. LOL

    I didn’t say that I didn’t like Jeopardy. My friend doesn’t like Jeopardy, so therefore I will not judge you because I like the show too.

  32. oh … right… my bad! LOL

    No worries.

  33. ok only ONE more comment i swear!

    you need to go to my blog and leave a comment on my latest post. i would be very interested to see what names you could come up with.

    whoismich.blogspot.com

    thanks!

    Done.

  34. I agree completely, except for the fact that half of my friends put the “wonk” in “policy wonks,” so I’m often the only person at a table who hasn’t read the latest issue. I try downloading the podcasts, but those just cause me to fall asleep while driving.

    Clearly, we must destroy the Economist.

    I’m ready if you are.

  35. lol…I used to buy very serious newspapers just very cultivated and boring people read…and read them at school during the break 😛 (hey, I was only 13)..that was when people started calling me Daria… since then…everytime I say something sarcastic or grim…I get that…” Shut up, Daria”… I used to like it then..not now though.

    And I bet the real reason you did that back then was to be different.

  36. Don’t worry. In six months, the Economist will have folded and won’t that be the irony to end all ironies.

    I can only hope.

  37. I read the New Yorker to tell everyone else that I Know Things. It works, even on the left coast.

    Also, The Economist was required reading for my AP Comparative Government class. Worked better than Brahms’ Lullabye.

    The New Yorker angers me too, just a little less.

  38. Red

    I don’t like COPS, though in all fairness I’ve never even tried to watch it. I really dig Jeopardy, but haven’t seen it in a while. I’ve pretty much given up on television. However, I have enjoyed a few articles in _The Economist_. I don’t subscribe, but there are a couple of issues kicking around our lunchroom and I felt no compulsion whatsoever to put my eyes out. Sorry.

    I don’t believe you.

  39. I only read magazines if they have a new revolutionary ab workout at least twice a month.

    Flat Abs In 36 Steps!

  40. Or naked girls in them.

    Of course.

  41. I’m not a big magazine reader but if I were to pick one up it definitely would NOT be that lame ass one. I get my worldly news from Yahoo. Beat that. It’s got to be the smartest website ever. I mean they know like, EVERYTHING. How are they so smart?

    It’s like they have thousands of little people running around getting all the news from everywhere.

  42. bex

    I suggest drawing a phallic flip book comic at the bottom corner of every page. I’d read The Economist for that.

    Good idea!

  43. I got the Economist for a year. And by the end of that year, I was reading one, maybe two short briefs at most. It’s a lot to ask of a person. These days, I prefer the New Yorker. Way more interesting. And not quite as cerebral. What’s that say about me?

    That you’re a good person.

  44. I’ve never read the Economist, but I like picturing Newsweek on PCP. Actually, I like picturing anything on PCP.

    You should try it.

  45. longredcape

    Ranger.
    Effing.
    Rick.

    WIN

    Damn right.

  46. When I fly, I read the Economist… with an US Weekly tucked inside.

    Wish I was kidding.

    I understand.

  47. I have to read the Economist for homework. It’s a miracle I haven’t poked an eye out yet. Not only that, but I also have to read wsj and write weekly article summaries. It’s times like these when I hate my life.

    You should drop out.

  48. You get through 3 paragraphs of the Economist? I tend to get narcoleptic and cross-eyed by line 3. Kudos.

  49. wheel of fortune and jeopardy are “my shows”, like i get home from class and am all “My shows are on!”
    so tell your friend he is wrong. and i’m right. because i watch jeopardy in lieu of doing homework. and they’re not the same. at all.
    (like some of the other commenters i also drink while watching it. good times.)

    p.s. screw the economist

  50. i take offense to the jeopardy knock. that’s my shit, yo.

  51. attaikede

    You have to keep reading until at least paragraph 6. By then there will have been at least one weird seriously academically snarky remark that’ll make you laugh. Honest!

    One good giggle over a serious academic snark was enough to get me addicted. Sunday mornings have never been the same.

  52. Now I understand why I don’t fit in wit the 20 somethings. I like that rag, though it’s heavily European free market based. It’s not as bad as trying to get through a Posner or Becker essay.

    Harpers and The New Yorker is a much better option if you are not interested in economics but are tired of whatever it is you are all into.

  53. first you fuck with oprah and now get a crack in on the bible? you are a brave brave soul (bravo to you) who will soon be dealing with the monkey curse. best wishes

  54. I don’t read anything in print. I get all my news from this blog.

  55. I must be one of those really lame people because I actually enjoy The Economist and Foreign Policy.

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