I am in love with Chuck Klosterman.
Yes, today I am coming out and proclaiming that. He’s my favorite writer, and every time I read one of his books or essays, I sit there and think to myself, “Perhaps you should look into becoming a plumber.”
If you don’t know who Klosterman is, first punch yourself in the face for being an idiot, then read this, which he wrote during his review of Guns n Roses’s long awaited Chinese Democracy album:
Reviewing Chinese Democracy is not like reviewing music. It’s more like reviewing a unicorn. Should I primarily be blown away that it exists at all? Am I supposed to compare it to conventional horses? To a rhinoceros? Does its pre-existing mythology impact its actual value, or must it be examined inside a cultural vacuum, as if this creature is no more (or less) special than the remainder of the animal kingdom? I’ve been thinking about this record for 15 years; during that span, I’ve thought about this record more than I’ve thought about China, and maybe as much as I’ve thought about the principles of democracy. This is a little like when that grizzly bear finally ate Timothy Treadwell: Intellectually, he always knew it was coming. He had to. His very existence was built around that conclusion. But you still can’t psychologically prepare for the bear who eats you alive, particularly if the bear wears cornrows.
Do I really need to say anything more to prove to you how much of a fucking genius this guy is?
I am nowhere near his level.
It’s like he’s Superman and I’m Green Lantern. No, no – I’m not even Green Lantern – I’m some guy who lives in the apartment next to Green Lantern who sometimes cooks fish, which Green Lantern can’t stand because it stinks up the entire building. That’s who I am.
I shouldn’t complain too much though, because there is really little else that brings me more joy than reading something written by Klosterman.
And if I’m going to be honest with you, I really just wrote this post in hopes that he Googles himself, sees it, and decides he wants to meet me and guest blog for me and then probably get a beer.
I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t crossing my fingers.