man love

I am in love with Chuck Klosterman.

Yes, today I am coming out and proclaiming that. He’s my favorite writer, and every time I read one of his books or essays, I sit there and think to myself, “Perhaps you should look into becoming a plumber.”

If you don’t know who Klosterman is, first punch yourself in the face for being an idiot, then read this, which he wrote during his review of Guns n Roses’s long awaited Chinese Democracy album:

Reviewing Chinese Democracy is not like reviewing music. It’s more like reviewing a unicorn. Should I primarily be blown away that it exists at all? Am I supposed to compare it to conventional horses? To a rhinoceros? Does its pre-existing mythology impact its actual value, or must it be examined inside a cultural vacuum, as if this creature is no more (or less) special than the remainder of the animal kingdom? I’ve been thinking about this record for 15 years; during that span, I’ve thought about this record more than I’ve thought about China, and maybe as much as I’ve thought about the principles of democracy. This is a little like when that grizzly bear finally ate Timothy Treadwell: Intellectually, he always knew it was coming. He had to. His very existence was built around that conclusion. But you still can’t psychologically prepare for the bear who eats you alive, particularly if the bear wears cornrows.

Okay?

Do I really need to say anything more to prove to you how much of a fucking genius this guy is?

I am nowhere near his level.

It’s like he’s Superman and I’m Green Lantern.  No, no – I’m not even Green Lantern – I’m some guy who lives in the apartment next to Green Lantern who sometimes cooks fish, which Green Lantern can’t stand because it stinks up the entire building.  That’s who I am.

I shouldn’t complain too much though, because there is really little else that brings me more joy than reading something written by Klosterman.

And if I’m going to be honest with you, I really just wrote this post in hopes that he Googles himself, sees it, and decides he wants to meet me and guest blog for me and then probably get a beer.

I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t crossing my fingers.

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46 Comments

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46 responses to “man love

  1. shari

    Chuck Klosterman is giving a lecture at Highline Ballroom this week 🙂

    He is??? Thanks!

  2. I’d really like to comment more but I can’t because my eye is swollen from punching myself in the face.

    It hurts, Chris.

    You’re a mean man to tell people to do that.

    I know, but it needs to be done.

  3. I don’t want to punch myself in the face.

    You have to.

  4. I agree. Chuck Klosterman is one of the wittiest, most insightful writers of our time. He’s like Oscar Wilde for the hipster pop culture set. Only without the gay.

    Right.

  5. Dude! If he invites you out for a beer, I better be able to tag along. His analysis on the Sims video game and materialism was awesome. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa-Puffs still one of my all time favorite books.

    Of course, all are welcome.

  6. You’re my Superman.

    Oh you!

  7. I had a dream last night that The Bloggess asked to guest post for me. Then I woke up and started crying because it wasn’t true. She should never have commented on me.

    Also, I probably shouldn’t tell people any of that.

    I don’t know who that is, and judging by her name, there’s a reason for that. But good for you!

  8. Ben

    I feel like Chucks are often among your favourite men.

    True?

    Hmmm… I don’t think so. The only other one I can think of is Charles Bukowski. For now.

  9. I’m a huge fan of his writing as well. I love that he can be so intellectual and analytical about pop culture while still being able to enjoy Saved by the Bell or the NBA unironically.

    Of course I’m learning that a lot of people think he (and on the same front Bill Simmons) is a total pretentious jackass. But I don’t care, I think he’s awesome.

    Anyone like that does sound pretentious, but whatever, he’s awesome.

  10. jay grochalski

    Klosterman? Really? A new low. I used to read his articles in Spin just to laugh at him and see how bad American Critical thought had fallen. Not to sound too gay, but i’d take your blog any day over that no-talent ass clown.

    I don’t understand – I think he’s brilliant, honestly.

  11. Why do you continuously ask us to abuse ourselves? People are starring at me in the office right now due to my big puffy, black/blue eye.

    Not cool Chris, not cool.

    It’ll heal in like a week.

  12. Matt

    Someone get Chuck a twitter account.

    I know!

  13. I totally knew it! I knew you wrote this because you hoped Klosterman is an ego surfer! I totally do that too.

    And Klosterman is like the Three Stooges: dudes only.

    Yeah, I have no shame.

  14. Klosterman is a god among men. His writing is amazing and he captures a moment in time – even if he stretches the truth a bit – so well you wish you were there.

    LOVE HIM!

    Yes, exactly.

  15. What Melissa said. Only I liked what he wrote about The Real World that one time.

    Other than that, Dane likes him a lot.

    Dane is a smart man.

  16. chuck is the MAN. sex drugs & cocoa puffs is in my top five books of all time.

    Yes!

  17. Ohhh man crush. So sweet.

    I’m sensitive.

  18. Proving once again that the Dakotas produce awesome people (Chuck being from the North, *myself* from the South). He’s a huge – somewhat sexist – egomaniac, but I can forgive this, as it must fuel his writing talent. Love him forever for saying “The most wretched people in the world are those who tell you they like every kind of music ‘except country.'” When I read that, I felt like screaming “I HAVE ALWAYS FELT THAT WAY!!!” Totally validated.

    Haha – that happens a lot.

  19. You’re more like The Maxx: weird, yet compelling.

    Klosterman rules! I have a huge man crush on Donald Miller, myself.

    Understandable.

  20. Reading him is like what girls must feel when they look at the models in a Victoria’s Secret catalog. Pure envy without any hope of ever being able to match it.

    Yes, perfect analogy.

  21. It’s nice to know that someone else thinks about their blog subjects somehow reading their posts. I said that Katy Perry looked like Betty Rubble at the VMAs and I really hoped that she’d go back stage and Google herself and read that she wore stupid shoes. Then when someone interviewed her, she’d be all, “This PunkyBean blog made fun of my shoes.” BAM! I’m famous!

    It could happen, right? Don’t get me started on my Tyra Banks theory.

    I want to hear about this Banks Theory.

  22. Can I take the beat down I got from the kid in kung fu class as my punch in the face?

    Yes.

  23. Never heard of him…

    Punched myself in the face…

    Today is gonna be a good day!

    It’s off to a great start!

  24. Hahaha…he sounds awesome! The man makes a lightsabre out of his words. Impressive 🙂

    He really is.

  25. When I hear the name Klosterman for some reason all I think of is colostomy bag.

    I think that’s a personal problem.

  26. I hope that googling dream of yours comes true. I’ll cross my fingers for you too.

    Thanks!

  27. I don’t know, man. That Green Lantern bit you came up with there is pretty fucking awesome, I gotta say.

    And have you checked? Because maybe Klosterman just wrote something about how great he thinks Chris at Surviving Myself is and hopes one day you’ll have a beer with him and we should all go read the bit he wrote about living next to Green Lantern and cooking fish.

    Haha – thanks man.

  28. Okay, please don’t hate me, but I…I’m not a huge fan. I think he’s a great writer, don’t get me wrong, very talented, and he has some good essays, but I’m far from in love with him. To be honest, I didn’t finish “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs.” (I did enjoy the John Cusack essay, though.) He seems a bit wordy for me, and slightly pretentious.

    BUT, that’s me. The boy really likes his writing, so there’s that.

    I’m not surprised, he’s much more of a guy writer.

  29. I should read something of his. I suck.

    Yes, yes you do.

  30. I’ve never read any Klosterman and every time I tell people that I feel like they start looking at me like some alien lifeform. After reading that excerpt, I can tell that I need to check his stuff out ASAP.

    Do it!

  31. bex

    Man love is sooo cute. I totally support you going on a man date with Chuck.

    What should I wear???

  32. bwp

    I recently found out he was engaged and I fully intend on doing everything in my power to homewreck and make him marry me instead. It is my number one goal in life.

    Though I would settle for a handshake. Maybe even a glance in my direction. I bet it would be like seeing God.

  33. By the way, what’s the connection of this post and Sylvester Stallone and Kindergarten cop?
    I don’t get it.
    And by some odd coincidence, my post today is partly titled Kindergarten cop!
    I almost feel the way you’d be feeling if Klosterman actually spoke to you
    Woohooo!!

  34. i have no doubt in my mind that you were totally NOT kidding about your reasoning for writing this post.

    nerd.

  35. I don’t know, I read that essay on Chinese Democracy in the Onion and I STILL don’t know whether he thinks the album is worth listening to. But I did like his bit about Axl’s ‘vampire vocal’ in one of the songs. He still seems to me like a rip off of Hunter Thompson. Now THERE was a man I could’ve loved.

  36. I’m kind of in love…but I’m not going to google him because if he’s not hot it’s going to break my heart.

  37. Ambles

    Good Luck!

  38. CapriceClassic

    Yeah, he has a way with words, but his words mean SQUAT. Chris, I thought you were better than that! I read his guest spot “article” about GNR, and while I have a HUGE soft spot for GNR, I just can’t believe he actually gave it an A-. Are you kidding me? By comparison, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” was an A+, so GNR’s “Chinese Democracy” should be a C+ AT BEST.

    The album sucked 5 day old donkey dick, but yet he gave it “rave” reviews while cleverly using his prose to disguise the fact that he really thought (and knew) it sucked. You could see it in his “subtle hints”.

    Oh, I get it now – you have a man crush on him cause his prose is slick, and he’s EXTREMELY knowledgeable about musical artists and songs they record. Just because he knows who sang what song in what year doesn’t mean he knows anything about what appeals to the public. It only means he reads, listens to music, and has an opinion – JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE – yourself included.

    I’d pick you to give a music review (over him) ANY GIVEN DAY OF THE WEEK/MONTH/YEAR/CENTURY. Believe that!

    So there ya go – DENOUNCE your man crush on him ASAP cause it’s making you look like a pussy – and not the good kind of pussy that makes your knees buckle. ; )

  39. He wrote a book called Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs. That alone merits loving the man.

  40. Have you ever been to a reading of his? Hilarious AND insightful, like a two-for-one.

  41. Chuck’s the man. Whenever I need to completely distract myself I just let IV fall open and read whatever it opened up to.

    And I want a friend named Rumble.

  42. Wow…I thought that sounded a lot like something you’d come up with….which makes me feel like the person who lives above the Green Lantern who’s boyfriend overflowed the toilet last week and caused toilet water to flow into the cereal on top of his refrigerator. He totally hates me…aka…my writing is kindergarten.

    I don’t really watch Batman, so I don’t really know who the Green Lantern is, and I’m assuming that probably makes me an even bigger dork than I already am.

  43. That’s sorta how I feel reading this blog, which I guess means I’ve set my writing standards pretty low. But low in the good way. Anyway, then I just remember I’m not that funny and continue about my day.

  44. Charlee

    No shit you’re not on the same level as Chuck Klosterman…

    does that really need to be said ?

    🙂

  45. OK, so I have read Sex, Drugs, etc. and REALLY loved parts of it, but got a teeny bit bored at other parts. I think it all has to do with whether you are interested in the topic he is discussing or not. I have another book by him at home though, and I’ve been planning on diving into that one soon.

    My point is, if you meet him, be sure to mention “Well, I do have this one friend… well, not really friend since I have never met her, but whatever. But she read parts of one of your books and enjoyed those parts. She might read another book by you very soon.”

    That is extremely relevant information.

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