veggie or die

I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.

Ever since I became a vegetarian nine years ago, I’ve had to defend my Manhood.  When people found out that I didn’t eat meat, their faces would scrunch, they’d laugh a little, and I’d be forced to declare something to balance things out, like “But I love sports, big butts and drinking beer! Sometimes all at once!”

But no more.

Today, a study was released. It reports that people who eat meat are 30% more likely to die prematurely (from cancer or heart disease) than those who don’t.

That’s all I ever needed as a rebuttal, wrapped up in a perfect little package, like maybe a Hot Dog Full Of Death that you meat eaters enjoy.

From now on, my problems with The Diet Conversation are solved.

When a guy jokes with me that I must be some kind of wuss for not eating steak, I’ll just calmly reply, “That’s funny.  Hope you have fun dying tomorrow.”

When I attend a barbecue at a friend’s place, and the eyes of the party inevitably focus on me as I lay my veggie burger upon the grill, I will take a gulp of my Coors Light, crinkle the can in my hand (unless it hurts to do that) and proclaim, “Sorry, I’m not eating meat. I have this thing with not dying.”

It’s beautiful.

Today I do not shun my Tofurkey.  Today I hold my head up high.  Today I say, “I am Man!  And I eat Veggie Dogs!”

Well, at least I say that to those of you who are still alive.

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71 Comments

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71 responses to “veggie or die

  1. oh good. something else i can use to prove why i am better than everyone else….at least when it comes to meat consumption.

    I’m trying to spread the word about how awesome you are, one blog post at a time.

  2. rachel

    This means I get to read your blog even longer now! YAY to the vegetarians!

    Hooray!

  3. rachel

    YAY….ahem. Probably not the right spelling, but it’s how my 1st graders do it…

    Yay works for me.

  4. also, there is a “possibly related post” called veggie dog eating contest. lots of hippies stuffing their faces with soy dogs. yum.

    Hahaha – that would be awesome.

  5. Eh. We will have to agree to disagree on this one. I’d rather die a little sooner having enjoyed some steak.

    Nice knowing you!

  6. bwp

    As a vegetarian, I would be excited about this except that I smoke. I think that cancels it out. Great. Death, come to me on swift wings.

    It’ll be like in Young Guns, when you see the white horse, you know it’s your time. God I love those movies.

  7. Matt

    and you believe those bitches at the washington post?

    This validation pisses me off Chris. I’m going to spend all day thinking of a rebuttal… then I will be back.

    I’m awaiting your return.

  8. We try to only do the meat thing once a week. Otherwise we’re big fans of portabello tacos. They are yummy and taste like steak.

    I wish I could completely give up the meat. But I LOVE the meat! Not hamburger, that is low rent. Steak. Kielbasa. MMMM meat.

    I understand, it’s going to be a good tasting death!

  9. jay grochalski

    i’ve tried so many times, i just fail. i’ve managed to stay decently away from red meat. that said, it’ll probably be the booze that gets me anyway.

    Yeah, me too. I do drink enough to kill myself.

  10. there is such a thing as a veggie dog?!

    There is and it is glorious.

  11. So as I start to read this I was enjoying some bacon for breakfast and then I learn I am going to die. Thanks for that. Officially you are out of my will.

    What? Wait! Can I still get Gamma’s rocking chair??? Gamma!!!!

  12. I think all of us vegetarians did the happy dance this morning when we saw that headline in our morning paper. Hooray for a longer, better life.

    Yes!

  13. Tofurkey. Bleh! I would rather die than eat that crap…and I will, so we’re cool.

    Hahaha – well said.

  14. leighbee

    Ha…I love that excuse. This is the one I use sometimes: “Cuz I don’t like my burger with a side of I’ll Never Meet My Grandkids!” KTHXBYE

    Ha – nice.

  15. This seems like the perfect time for a “no homo”:

    “I don’t eat meat, but if you’re into that, that’s cool. No homo.”

    You might be on to something.

  16. My dietary neuroses are a little different. I’ll only eat free range and hunted meats… meaning unless I shot it myself, know the guy (or chick) that did, bought it from a cowboy, or it says free range on the package at the super market, it’s not going in me…. Unless someone cooked for me and didnt know, turning down hospitality is harsh.

    Hunted meats sounds like a good name for a brand.

  17. I saw that article, so yay. I’m a former veggie. Loves to all y’all meat abstainers.

    And hey, your blog rocks my world.

    Thanks!

  18. My hubs grilled me up a perfect T-bone steak last night and it was delicious. Yum.

    Although I do admit that I’ve had a veggie burger before and it wasn’t half bad.

    See? They really are pretty good.

  19. i didn’t realize i was so much more man than you
    *grunt* steak*grunt*

    Hahaha – I bet I could still take you in a push up contest.

  20. Coors Light?!?!? Seriously dude?!?!? Blech! I’m do Corona, New Castle or if I could find it Carib… now that’s what real men drink!

    I’m a light beer kind of guy. If I wanted to eat a loaf of bread, I would.

  21. I wish I could give up meat completely, but the thought of never having the occasional thick, juicy steak is comparable to giving up the occasional orgasm.

    Yeah, if you put it that way, it’s bad. But maybe the answer is just more orgasms?

  22. It IS nice knowing that I won’t get colon cancer. Who wants cancer in your COLON? That just sounds awful.

    LONG LIVE THE VEGETARIANS! WE RULE!

    HUZZAH!

  23. Vegetarians are superior. Vegetarians who blog are the ones who will truly rule the planet one day. And we’ll improve it.

    Want some bacon on that burger, McLovin?

    Oh yeah, Blogging Vegetarians For World Domination! Or BVFWD for short.

  24. I find the argument that because you don’t eat meat (and thus don’t suffer the health risks) you are manlier than those who do, to be well… flawed. If you have two men: one who drives a motorcycle without a helmet, another who rides a bicycle with training wheels (and only on the sidewalk), who is more likely to die? Now, who is manlier?

    Sorry dude, you’re not manlier than me. You’re just the guy with training wheels.

    I didn’t mean to say I was more manly, just that I’d live longer. And whatever – you’re just jealous of the rims I have on my training wheels.

  25. Nish

    I’m a veggie as well! But, perhaps you should read the whole article, instead of just the first paragraph!

    It says the following! Too bad you can’t use those lines anymore! Haha!

    “In contrast, routine consumption of fish, chicken, turkey and other poultry decreased the risk of death by a small amount.”

    This still supports my argument. Eat this and you’re better off. More time to read blogs and drink too much.

  26. Sorry, the steak is worth the pre-mature death for me.

    You’ll make a beautiful corpse.

  27. The Lady Friend is a vegetar and I told her that if I die prematurely it will be because I decided offing myself was better than listening to her talk about her carbon footprint or her healthy heart one more time.

    I’m not like that, I hate those kinds too. I’m basically the world’s least pretentious vegetarian – mainly because I’m lazy.

  28. hmmm… more bloody meat for me. Thank you, Chris.

    You know, it’s all about consumption, man. Anything in excess will hurt you in the long run. Kind of like, I don’t know, crack or smoking. or perhaps, all that candy and sugar I eat. Oh but it’s so damn good. Plus, it has to do with the wonderful world of genes. and you’re missing out on some nutrients as well, friend.

    Anyway, why would you want to live long enough to shit yourself?

    Because I think it might be fun.

  29. Never doubted your manliness because of your diet.

    Now, your beer selection… Was that what all the other girls drank, too?

    Yes it was. And they like my tiara too, if you wanted to know.

  30. ha! that’s hilarious. I’m sorry that you don’t get to taste yummy bloody meat. There’s nothing like it, even if it kills me.

    I hope it’s good.

  31. I’ve been a vegetarian for 15 years…but drink like a fish and smoke like a trucker….so really it’s all about the balance.

    Exactly. I don’t smoke anymore, but I’m sure the amount of alcohol I consume isn’t doing me any favors.

  32. Just Playing Pretend

    tofurkey is such a sweet word.

    And sweet in my belly.

  33. Does being a vegetarian mean you won’t die at all?

    Never!

  34. I never thought about this, but it’s so true. Girl vegetarians = awesome, boy vegetarians = lame (according to other guys). I’m glad you have something like premature death to hold over the heads of those assholes 🙂

    I know, I needed it.

  35. Jess

    i was a vegetarian for 8 years until recently..ah well.

    It was a good run.

  36. Dog

    I ordered a veggie burger for lunch because of this post. That burger better good or I will curse the town of Pittsburgh.

    Can you wait for that curse until after March Madness?

  37. we’re going to live fooooreeeeveeerrrr!!

    We’re unstoppable.

  38. Teresa

    You don’t force poor Jack to be vegetarian too do you? That’s just not right!

    Nope – he eats some kind of chicken food.

  39. Do you eat turkey?

    I’m kidding. Geez.

    Geez!

  40. You’re a vegetarian, huh? Never would’ve guessed…

    I can’t tell if you’re being sarcastic or not.

  41. What Justin S said.

    What I said to what Justin S said.

  42. If I am a vegetarian at breakfast and lunch, does that mean I die only a little sooner? If so, I’ll go back to that schedule.

    That sounds scientific to me.

  43. I’m not a vegetarian.

    I dont wanna die so soon though! 😦

    Just keep reading my blog and you won’t.

  44. Interesting post…I was just reading a study by John Hopkins University this morning regarding cancer. Some more facts to encourage you to adhere to your veggie lifestyle:

    Cancer cells thrive in an acid environment. A meat-based diet is acidic and it is best to eat fish, and a little chicken rather than beef or pork. Meat also contains livestock antibiotics, growth hormones and parasites, which are all harmful, especially to people with cancer.

    Meat protein is difficult to digest and requires a lot of digestive enzymes. Undigested meat remaining in the intestines becomes putrefied and leads to more toxic buildup.

    Enjoy those tofu dogs! 🙂

    Yes!

  45. vegetarians are the bestest EVER!
    no homo
    wow you really struck a nerve with some people with this hey? i can’t believe people are comparing cow carcasses to orgasms…hahaha
    but uhhh yeah i think everybody should try a bbq-ed veggie dog or a slice of tofurky before judging all veg. meat products…they are AWESOME!

    I know. I’m pretty sure I’d give up food, of any kind, before I gave up orgasms.

  46. Life without red meat is no life at all.

    I’d like to be cremated and sent to John Hamm’s residence, please.

    Done and done.

  47. Ladies should say they are vegetarians when a guy asks for a bj. Simple.

    But what happens when the ladies want some loving? Then they’ll be ready for meat in a second.

  48. I didn’t know you were a vegetarian! I wish I had something uber clever to write about it but I’m just stoked that a blog I enjoy reading is written be a fellow veg.

    F the haters… people are just scared of the unknown. OMG… A burger… made of veggies?! ha!

    They are delicious too.

  49. Narm's LadyFriend

    Another reason to go Veg: http://www.peta.org/content/standalone/VeggieLove/Default.aspx

    (no, I’m not a crazy PETA follower.. just love the message of the video that was banned from the Super Bowl!)

    I’ve seen that, it is pretty funny.

  50. Matt

    I couldnt find any rebuttal.

    the internet must be ran by vegeterains.

    and of course, Al Gore.

    Al Gore is King of the Interweb.

  51. Did you read “Skinny Bitch”? I bet you did. That would definitely take away from you manhood.

    Haha – no way.

  52. i’m totally willing to risk early death if it means i can enjoy hot dogs at every baseball game i attend for the rest of my life.

    I hate baseball too.

  53. So you’re big into the meat replacements (Veggie Dogs, Tofurkey) but have you ever subbed mushrooms in like Portabella burgers and the like? I’m so serious…trying my own vegetarian experiment at the moment. You know, to avoid dying.

    Yes, it works for pretty much everything. I’m a big tofu eater in things that should have meat, like chili. Though I’m not a big chili fan in general. I realize you don’t care about my feelings on chili.

  54. Ben

    Veggie for ten years now and people still try to call me out on wearing leather shoes. I just tell those assholes that they get burgers, I get fashion. Then I end up defending my gayness…

    Hahaha – awesome.

  55. I heard that you’re only supposed to consume like 6 hot dogs in one year. I can only get through one before my stomach wants to kill me but I think you’re on the right track.

    When I used to eat meat, I liked kosher dogs, but everything else was gross.

  56. Death by steak…

    What an AWESOME way to go!

  57. While I definitely agree that vegetarians have healthier diets, I’m ALLLLL about eating a delicious steak!

  58. i like meat. red rare meat. but hey, i still love ya for doing what you do.

    you better come to my funeral.

  59. Not a vegetarian but pretty much never eat red meat. I’m a chicken girl…

    Not sure what that means for my longevity.

  60. B

    hahaha! Yay veggies-unite!! =)

  61. Pingback: Against Vegetarianism. « The Wordy Ninja

  62. Ron

    Hey that study only says red meat, it actually said pork, turkey and fish can increase life exectancy. WHat it did NOT say is that veggies have 30% less testosterone than meat eaters… it also did not say vegans live longer it basically said dont eat cow, eat chicken. GO MEAT

  63. Maybe you should print that article out and keep a laminated copy in your wallet?

  64. tia

    i used to be a vegetarian.

    back when i had morals.

    i’m not too worried about dying from meat consumption, though. i’m pretty sure it will be the aspartame that gets me.

  65. i didn’t realize you were vegeterian?
    it’s a give and take, i’m sure the beer adds less years to your life as well..
    and a lot of people don’t see it a goal to live longer, sadly. so it’s of no concern to them.
    tofurkey is gross.
    but i like tofu.

  66. This is what I’ve been going on for 13 years now. Outliving them will make all the heckling worth while.

  67. But Billy Joel said “Only the good die young.” How can you reconcile those immortal words with vegetarianism?

  68. Kez

    You make a compelling case.
    Now I am sad because my brother is totally going to outlive me.
    Damn tofu lovers.

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