witness

This morning while I was at the gym, something very significant happened to me.

The Event occurred when I was doing some sort of exercise that I’m pretty sure made my biceps especially intimidating, which is something that is Very Important for reasons I really don’t know.

I was listening to some Wu-Tang and thinking about how they could probably solve the economic crisis if they wanted to because in high school whenever shit would go wrong I’d smoke tons of weed and listen to them and magically my problems would disappear, when I saw Sassy Old Woman out of the corner of my eye.

Some background on Sassy: she is there everyday at the same time as me, just like The Singer and Grandpa. She is somewhere between 85 and 457 years old, and she wears sports bras and tight workout pants.

Now that you have a mental picture, let me continue.  I turned and saw her sitting down, and lo and behold there it was: Sassy Old Woman’s butt was hanging out.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am a Butt Man, and I’m sure back in 1734 she was probably pretty hot, but this was not something I enjoyed seeing.

Sassy Old Woman was leaning forward, and her iPod, which she hooks into her pants, was dragging down the back of her pants, so the entire gym – and I – got a glimpse of her butt and her ancient crack, all in one amazing display.

Maybe if Sassy wore clothes like any normal woman at they gym does, this would not have happened.  But it did, and now my eyes and mind are forever scarred.

I cannot unsee what I have seen.

In fact, right now, as I type these words, all I see is Sassy’s butt crack.  I wish I could continue this post, but as you can tell, I have a very serious issue here.  I think I might need to go home sick.

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45 Comments

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45 responses to “witness

  1. my favorite is seeing the jiggly women with super tight undies smashed up in their ass cracks while they hammer away on the elliptical like it’s their saving grace….

    How about the people who walk on treadmills? I can’t stand that.

  2. Oh poor Sassy!

    It reminds me of the time I was on vacation and accidentally caught a glimpse up some old dude’s swim trunks.

    There’s nothing worse than old balls. AND old bum, apparently.

    Even young balls are gross, so old balls must be just nasty.

  3. But she is Sassy Old Woman, so presumably she’s kind of hot. No?

    In that case I’m sorry. I’ll prep my Lobotomies For Dummies kit and we’ll get rid of those pesky memories.

    Please hurry.

  4. ewww
    i need to go to the gym more.
    no sassy’s here tho thank goodness!

    You’re lucky.

  5. Thanks. I didn’t need lunch anyway today.

    I’m here to help.

  6. Well, just console yourself with the fact that it wasn’t a relative’s old wrinkled butt. I have to assume that the only thing worse than ancient coin slot is ancient related-to-you coin slot.

    Good point.

  7. The mental image is pretty disturbing and pretty close to day-ruining. I can only imagine what you’re going though.

    My condolences.

    Pray for me. You know, if you do that sort of thing.

  8. i’d rather see her crack than her wearing a risque little thong.

    ::shudder::

    She wasn’t wearing any underwear. Yes, that’s how far down her pants were pulled.

  9. jay grochalski

    once on 40th street at 5th ave i saw a homeless guy’s cock. he had his pants down and was waving it at everyone. a shame because he looked like WWF wrestling’s Junk Yard Dog, and even though i know JYD is dead, i still imagine that was his fate…being homeless and waving his cock around in NYC.

    Hahahaha – fucking hilarious.

  10. At least you didn’t see her saggy old lady boob fall out. That would have been scary.

    True.

  11. I feel sorry for Sassy. You see, someday I will be Sassy. Not wearing that outfit, but as a 30 year old I’m starting to realize that I’m going to hit a wall at some point. I just can’t imagine it and I’m really, really freaked out by it. There’s a point where you become completely sexless and people call you, “cute.” And frankly I’m scared.

    You’ll be fine if you dress normally.

  12. idontliketoread

    No, your blog sucks!

    Blogs suck!

  13. Is old lady ass or old lady tit worse? A question of our times…

    Hmmm… Probably boob, but hopefully I never have to find out. Until I’m all wrinkled as well, at least.

  14. Crack kills….. my appetite

    You and me both. Unless it’s Kim Kardashians crack – I’m all about that.

  15. Ur mind’s eye is blind now, and I’m sorry. Some things just aren’t fair, and you having to see that is one of them. My thoughts are with you.

    *cues violins*

    Goodbye…

  16. And the world thanks you for not being quick on the draw with the camera phone. If I wanted to see that, I set up the telescope to point at the windows of the old folks’ home across the street again.

    Haha – again. I thought you were in therapy for that?

  17. This is why when I go to the gym I keep my eyes firmly fixed on the wall. Other gross/sweaty/jiggly/saggy/disgusting people will immediately unmotivate me if I look at them.

    *shudder*

    Not to mention all the dudes leering at you. Not that I do that.

  18. Did you see her ENTIRE butt or just the plumbers crack display?

    Was it wrinkly? Was it?

    I saw her entire top half of butt – and yes, it was wrinkly.

  19. When is someone going to invent brain bleach? I’m mean, we have the internet. Miracles do happen.

    I know, where’s Al Gore when you need him?

  20. AHHAHAhahaahaha! Love this story.

    I wonder what Sassy has in her iPod?! Ass hanging out or no, she sounds sort of hip for an ol’ layday. (George and Ira Gershwin ain’t nuttin’ ta fuck wit!)

    I bet it was Kelly Clarkson.

  21. Matt

    I smell sess pass the Method
    Let’s get lifted as I kick ballistics
    Missles and shoot game like a pistol
    Clip is loaded when I click bang dang
    A Wu-Tang slug hits your brain

    What you know about this, specialist armed dangerous
    Hit you close range with this madness
    Unique design shine like a deep dish
    The beat kick technique split all your weak shit
    Yes, the rhythm, the Rebel
    Alone in my level heat it up past the boiling point of metal
    Living legend, veteran known to set trend
    Lethal weapon, step through your section
    with the Force like Luke Skywalker
    Rhyme author, orchestrate mind torture
    Live performer, bit the mic sayanora
    Borderline to insane, I rain firewater
    Tape recorder, can’t be saved by a court order
    I got my sword cross your throat you joke

  22. “Now don’t get me wrong, I am a Butt Man, and I’m sure back in 1734 she was probably pretty hot, but this was not something I enjoyed seeing.”

    <——-dies laughing

    Thanks.

  23. Poor lady, she probably didn’t realize she was mooning the whole gym. I feel like this is something that might happen to me when I’m old . . .

    I’d feel bad for her if she dressed normally, but she doesn’t. She struts around the gym wearing less than some 20 year-olds, so I have no love for her.

  24. I wanted fireworks to come out of her crack. I’m disappointed.

    Now I am too.

  25. You should be thanking your lucky stars it wasn’t the cooch.

    Oh god, you’re completely right about that.

  26. CapriceClassic

    I wonder if any of the monikered gym-goers have a nickname for you, and if so what would it be?

    I think about that too – I’m sure at least one person does. I bet it’s Super Hot Really Cool Good Looking Guy.

  27. nothing like a little ancient ass to get your day started. good for you.

    I try my best.

  28. Ever see an “ancient” in a miniature, half inch tennis skirt bend over to fill out a deposit slip at the bank?

    Nope – but if she was younger, I would love to.

  29. was it hairy…i need more of a picture

    v8

    Haha – no, just wrinkly.

  30. Al Gore is blogging, that’s where he is! HA HA HA!

    Smart guy.

  31. I would have never guessed you were an ass man.

    Well, except for the 26 daily Tweets about Kim Kardashian.

    Right, I feel like I’ve been holding back too. Might need to up that count to at least 50 or so.

  32. You should have done what any responsible person would have–taken a picture and posted it to twitter. Duh

  33. Was it all wrinkly and pockmarked? Inquiring minds want to know.

  34. I think wrinkly old butt would get you motivated. To join another gym. Oh yes, I just went there.

  35. bwp

    When I used to actually go to the gym on a regular basis (read: before dinosaurs walked the earth), it was always the old fat ladies who got naked in the locker room and bent over, baring all.

    Now that I think about it, this might be the exact reason why I stopped going.

  36. Ron

    you left out the part where it gave you a chubby

  37. were you listening to gravel pit? that song rocks.

  38. So you’re saying she’s in your mental rolodex?

  39. One time I was in the locker room at the gym. And there were two very large women sitting in the locker room naked and they were eating Mcdonalds.

  40. BAHAHAHA! 🙂
    At least im not the only one with crazy old lady experiences! I once belonged to a gym where I always happened to be getting ready in the locker room when the geriatric swim class was beginning. There was one old, (and by old i mean probably actually got to meet President Lincoln) and super crotchety lady who for some reason felt the need to change near me. I kid you not, there were 3 large mirrors for me to do my hair and make up in front of and no matter which one i was at she seemed to follow….At first i thought she was just some sad old lady. Oddly, the other geriatric swimmers never seemed to stay and socialize with her. I found out why after about a week of her changing and launching her bare naked wrinkly nauseating old ass in my direction–SHE WAS CRAZY. Literally she started chasing me around the locker room yelling at me, with nothing on. It was the scariest thing EVER! So I feel your pain.
    Needless to say, I rescheduled my “gym time” so it did not coincide with the geratric swim class with crazy old lady….
    Good luck and try not to gouge your eyes out! I feel your pain!
    Love your blog btw! 🙂

  41. You may need to remove your frontal lobe to remove the image.

  42. Nikki

    I read this post, and then the other 2 (singer & grandpa) during my lunchbreak at work. I was laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my face and my abs are sore. I am pretty sure that everyone else in the office thinks that I was sobbing about something, because now everyone is avoiding me.

  43. This is one of the reasons I don’t go to the gym. The other is that I got hurt last week while at the gym… or on the phone talking to my friend about the gym. Whatever.

  44. Kez

    GROSS.
    Today I saw the fattest man/woman (who knows) on a motorcycle. At least 6 inches of buttcrack. Spare tyres everywhere and I’m not talking about the actual wheels on the bike.
    Oh, now I feel mean. Perhaps the poor man/lady (who knows) couldn’t fit in an automobile…
    I now have extra incentive to watch my weight.

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