This morning while I was at the gym, something very significant happened to me.
The Event occurred when I was doing some sort of exercise that I’m pretty sure made my biceps especially intimidating, which is something that is Very Important for reasons I really don’t know.
I was listening to some Wu-Tang and thinking about how they could probably solve the economic crisis if they wanted to because in high school whenever shit would go wrong I’d smoke tons of weed and listen to them and magically my problems would disappear, when I saw Sassy Old Woman out of the corner of my eye.
Some background on Sassy: she is there everyday at the same time as me, just like The Singer and Grandpa. She is somewhere between 85 and 457 years old, and she wears sports bras and tight workout pants.
Now that you have a mental picture, let me continue. I turned and saw her sitting down, and lo and behold there it was: Sassy Old Woman’s butt was hanging out.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am a Butt Man, and I’m sure back in 1734 she was probably pretty hot, but this was not something I enjoyed seeing.
Sassy Old Woman was leaning forward, and her iPod, which she hooks into her pants, was dragging down the back of her pants, so the entire gym – and I – got a glimpse of her butt and her ancient crack, all in one amazing display.
Maybe if Sassy wore clothes like any normal woman at they gym does, this would not have happened. But it did, and now my eyes and mind are forever scarred.
I cannot unsee what I have seen.
In fact, right now, as I type these words, all I see is Sassy’s butt crack. I wish I could continue this post, but as you can tell, I have a very serious issue here. I think I might need to go home sick.